While standing in the middle of the room, Shelby noticed that Nikolai had left a sweater and some socks and undershirts on the chair. Thinking to save the staff a little trouble, she scooped them up and moved toward the closet. Almost as large as her own, the prince’s closet was surprisingly full of clothing. Nikolai always looked nice, but Shelby would never have said he was the clotheshorse she was.
Shelby was on the verge of hanging the sweater she found when she spotted Yvette’s picture. The photo was displayed in full view on top of Nikolai’s neat and orderly dresser. Shelby had seen her photo in newspapers before, so she felt no need to study the image, but finding the picture on his dresser was unexpected.
Shelby finished putting his clothing away, her heart thoughtful. She let herself out of the closet and even remembered to turn off the light, but she couldn’t honestly say that she knew what she felt just then.
“I don’t know what I feel right now,” Nikolai told his father. They were in Enstrom together and had just gone to dinner alone. The two men, so alike in height and build, now walked on the banks of the Pierce River.
“Tell me something, Nicky, do you always feel loved by God?”
“Not as feelings go, no, I can’t say that I do.”
“So what do you do when that happens, when you don’t feel loved?”
“I claim the truths of Scripture. I look at what Christ did on the cross and know that could only come from a heart of love.”
“So what do you do with your feelings?” the king asked.
“If they’re contrary to Scripture, I work to get them in line. It’s not always that easy, but that’s the process.”
Rafe fell silent. Nikolai had answered the question, but his father did not comment.
“Why did you ask me that, Dad?”
“I just wanted to know the answer.”
“But we were talking about Shelby.”
“Yes, we were, weren’t we?” Again, Pendaran’s king fell silent.
Nikolai walked along studying his father’s profile. The prince was not a dull-witted person, but this one took some thought. When he felt he’d finally caught on, he found he didn’t want to talk at all.
Shelby looked at the pile of letters on her desk and shook her head. Why had she thought that life would return to a normal pace when the holidays were over? The holidays and even the prince’s birthday had been wonderful times of fellowship and worship with family and friends, but Shelby had to be honest about wanting things to slow down.
Sitting here whining about this isn’t going to help, Shelby. Start on your mail.
She had just begun to open envelopes when the phone rang.
“Hello.”
“Hello, Shelby, it’s Erica. Did I get the day wrong?”
Shelby took a moment to respond. “Oh, no!” she gasped. “I completely forgot. I’m so sorry.”
“It’s all right. Did you already eat?”
“No.”
“Well, come over. I’ll watch for you.”
“Okay,” Shelby agreed hurriedly, hung up the phone, and nearly ran from her desk. She didn’t know when she’d completely missed an appointment, and with the queen no less!
Erica guessed the kind of state she would be in and refused to listen to any of Shelby’s apologies. She assured her that she was not offended, only hungry. Shelby hugged her for understanding and realized she was hungry as well.
The meal started with garden-fresh salads and led to a rich cream of asparagus soup. A light pudding was served for dessert, and all the time the women talked. Erica told some lighthearted stories from the past and even shared with Shelby some things she was struggling with right now. She ended by asking Shelby some rather pointed questions.
“With whom do you talk, Shelby?”
“With whom do I talk?” Shelby echoed uncomfortably, not liking the turn in the conversation, although it had come about very naturally.
“Yes. When you’re uncertain or upset.”
“Well,” Shelby began, thinking she was uncertain and upset at the moment, “I guess I just talk to the Lord.”
The queen, who had suspected as much, put a hand on her daughter-in-law’s.
“Shelby, no one in the palace expects you to be silent all the time. Your discretion is admirable—both the king and I have noticed it—but when you’re hurting about something, you need to go to someone.”
“And who would that be?” Shelby asked, feeling a little angry at this woman for the first time. “Whom do you suggest?”
In that instant, as she looked into Shelby’s dark brown eyes, Erica saw how difficult it would be—really saw this time, not just imagined. Wanting to mention herself, the king, or Shelby’s parents, Erica somehow knew, right or wrong, that Shelby had already ruled them out on certain issues. With a prayer for wisdom, she made a suggestion.
“Pastor Allen,” the queen said. “He knows all about your situation. He and Rafe have talked many times, as have he and Nicky. Pastor Allen is the soul of discretion, and he has one large advantage. He knows some of the details already.”
Shelby nodded.
“I’m sorry, Shelby,” the queen continued. “I asked you that question as though your situation were completely normal, and it’s not.”
“Some days it doesn’t feel as though it ever will be,” the princess said softly.
“Do you think it will help when things become more intimate between you?”
Amazingly, Shelby didn’t blush. “I’m not sure,” she answered honestly. “I’m finding that there is more than one type of intimacy. You can be intimate physically and still not have a meeting of minds and hearts.”
“That’s very true, Shelby, but then would you consider it true intimacy?”
Shelby’s smile was a little sad. “When it’s all you’ve got, I guess you take what you can get.”
Erica told herself to breathe, even as her heart squeezed in agony. She still managed to smile very gently. Shelby was glad she had not been condemned, but she felt like a fake.
“I need to tell you,” Shelby admitted, “that my own feelings for Nikolai are uncertain. I can’t have you sitting here thinking he’s been this unfeeling monster. Nothing could be further from the truth, but we do have a long way to go.”
“Thank you for telling me, Shelby. I’ll be praying. I’ve been praying,” the queen corrected, “but it’s nice to be specific when we can be.”
“Thank you,” Shelby said sincerely. She knew the queen loved her son, but she never made Shelby feel that he was perfect or that any problems between them were all her fault.
Long after Shelby left, she thought of their conversation. The advice the queen gave was not unwelcome. She had talked to her old pastor many times. The very thought of going to Pastor Allen about the things she had on her mind caused her face to heat, but she didn’t disregard the queen’s advice; she thought about it off and on for the rest of the day.
“I need to talk to you,” Erica said on the phone to her husband the moment he picked up.
“Is it urgent?”
“I’m feeling as though it is, but it’s not—not really. I’m just upset.”
“I can be with you in about 30 minutes. Will that be all right?”
“Yes.”
Erica forced herself to be calm. What she wanted to do was go somewhere and sob her eyes out, but her mother called just after she hung up and that helped pass the time.
“I just had lunch with Shelby,” Erica told her.
“Isn’t she the sweetest thing?” the queen regent asked.
“She really is, Mom. I could talk to her all day.”
“Did she mention that Peter is having lunch with Grandma today?”
“No. I’m not sure she knows. Why isn’t he in school?”
“A teacher’s workday. His sisters gave him permission to come for the entire day. Your father is going to take him out to the skeet club. As a matter of fact, they just left.”
“Oh, he’ll love that
.”
The queen and queen regent talked almost to the moment Rafe walked in the door, and Erica found she’d greatly calmed. She was able to explain the impression she’d gotten from Shelby without bursting into tears.
“Help me to understand this, Rafe. How can Nikolai and Shelby enter into this union when they’re not in love?”
“Rica.” Rafe’s voice was gentle but also matter-of-fact. “Shelby is a very desirable woman, and I know that Nikolai is being very kind and gentle with her. His desire is not hard to understand at all. On her part, she obviously cares and is responding to his gentleness. There’s also one other aspect we have to consider.”
“What’s that?”
“That they’re already in love and don’t know it.”
Erica blinked. “How could they not?”
Rafe looked a bit confused but still said, “I think our levelheaded son is having a hard time distinguishing the difference between feelings and facts. He knows that love is a choice, but all he ever says about Shelby is that he doesn’t know how he feels about her.”
“What have you said to him?”
“Enough to make him think, but he must choose to deal with all of his feelings where they must be dealt with—within the realm of facts.”
Erica stared into her husband’s wise face; she needed to do the same work with her own feelings.
“I’m glad I talked to you. I’m sorry I called in such a panic.”
“It’s all right. I do need to go back to the office, but I’m glad you found me available.” In the middle of his words, Rafe had a thought that showed on his face.
“What is it?”
“I was just thinking that we could be grandparents this year.”
That Erica hadn’t considered this was very clear. She drew her lower lip between her teeth, a sure sign that she was worried.
“Will you say anything to Nicky?” the queen finally asked.
“No. He’s a big boy now, and for all we know, that’s the very reason they’ve consummated the relationship.”
Erica nodded. Again she was surprised by his logic.
“No worrying now,” her husband commanded before he kissed her.
“All right.”
“God is sovereign” were the king’s last words before he left his wife alone.
Nikolai woke slowly the next weekend, something unusual for him; he had a tendency to awaken quickly. As he stretched and peeked one eye open to look at the clock, he thought he must be very tired. His eyes had already closed again when he realized something was amiss. He peeked the other eye open to confirm it. His wife was wide awake and staring at him.
“I can’t sleep if you’re going to watch me, Red,” he said with a sleepy voice, his eyes closing again.
Shelby smiled at little.
Nikolai could tell she was still staring right at him.
“I mean it, Red.” His voice was a growl. “You have to look away.”
Shelby laughed softly but continued to study his face.
“Did you enjoy last night?” she asked suddenly.
Nikolai’s eyes suddenly opened very fast. “You’re doubting?” he asked, finding himself wide awake.
Shelby shrugged, wishing she’d stayed quiet. “Well, you didn’t say.”
Nikolai felt a bit impatient, although he covered it. “What is it I do, Shelby, that makes you feel so inadequate as a wife?”
Shelby could not keep the shock from her face, and Nikolai realized too late what he had just said.
“I’d better get up,” Shelby responded, having already worked to school her features. “I’m golfing this morning with Vickey.”
Shelby turned to leave the bed, but Nikolai caught her from behind. “Don’t go just yet,” he said quietly as he moved close and snuggled against her back. “It’s early.”
Shelby let herself be hugged and tried not to think about why she’d asked her husband that question or why she ached inside right now. She could not put her finger on one single point, but her whole being was telling her to go somewhere and have a good, long cry. Before she could stop them, a few tears fell.
“Shelby?” Nikolai asked. He’d felt a drop of moisture on his arm and begun to sit up.
“I have to get up,” she gasped as she moved from his arms.
Not knowing if it was a mistake or not, Nikolai did not try to stop her. She nearly ran from the room, and the prince rolled to his back and stared at the ceiling.
I could speculate about a lot of things right now and let myself off the hook, but I would be willing to bet my last dollar that I have somehow caused those tears. Help me, Lord. Help me to find a way to love my wife as she deserves to be loved.
For the first time, Yvette’s face did not swim into view the moment he thought about love. If it had, Nikolai would have pushed it away. Shelby was the woman who needed him right now.
Eighteen
“Well, Nick!” Daria said in surprise when she opened the front door and found him standing there. “Come in.”
“Thank you. Is my timing awful?”
“Not at all. Josiah went back to the shop, and I just did the lunch dishes so I could sit down with a cup of tea. Will you join me?”
“I will, thank you.”
Daria sent Nikolai into the living room while she went for the tea tray. He intended to sit down but found himself interested in the pictures on the walls. A young Josiah and Daria Parker looked out from one frame—she in a long white gown, he in a black suit. Shelby and Brice’s graduation pictures were there, as were some baby photos. He wouldn’t have believed his wife could ever be round, but there was no mistaking the redheaded butterball that smiled into the camera as a toddler. Nikolai found himself smiling at her in return.
“Here we are,” Daria said as she entered the room. “I didn’t know if you liked milk or lemon, so I brought both.”
“Let me get that for you.” Nikolai met her in the middle of the room and, taking the tray, set it on the coffee table.
Daria began a gentle dialogue about how fun the holidays had been, and Nikolai was glad to have something to talk about. It didn’t last long, however. She waited only until Nikolai had taken a few sips of tea to say what was on her mind.
“I think you’ve come today looking for something, Prince Nikolai. Are you going to tell me what it is?”
Nikolai looked into kind eyes, so like his wife’s, and put his teacup down.
“It’s been on my mind how you and Josiah trusted me to take care of your daughter. I don’t know how much Shelby has talked to you, but I haven’t always done a good job. I’m trying to rectify that.”
Daria smiled at him. “I appreciate that very much. In truth, Nick, we have seen how lonely she is.”
The words did strange things to his heart. In a quiet voice he asked, “Did you by any chance love someone else before you met Shelby’s father?”
“No, I didn’t, Nick, but believe it or not, my mother experienced what you’re going through.” Daria smiled at Nikolai’s raised brow and continued. “My mother married my stepfather because she found herself widowed and alone, with two very little girls to take care of and no way to support them. He had adored her. It took more than two years for her to love him. They shared a bed and a life, but not love—at least not at first. When my mother did come to love my stepfather, it was with her entire being, but the pain of my father’s death and his memory plagued her for a very long time.”
Nikolai could not believe what he was hearing. The first question in his mind was whether Shelby knew this, but he realized that was foolish. Of course she knew.
“I’ve surprised you, haven’t I?”
“Yes, but I thank you for telling me.”
“If I can be so bold, Nick, I’d like to give you a little advice—something I think my mother would have said to you.”
The prince nodded.
“Don’t try to get over Yvette. Just make room in your heart for Shelby.”
Without permission
Nikolai stood. He walked to the window and stood looking out but didn’t really see anything. He was having a hard time breathing but didn’t notice. His mind saw Shelby’s sweet face as she asked him not to say those three little words until he meant them.
Nikolai suddenly turned back to his mother-in-law. Just looking at her face reminded him that he must wait until he was certain. And even if he was certain, the timing for Shelby’s sake must be right.
“I think I’ve lost you,” Daria said.
“I’m sorry.” Nikolai was instantly contrite and made a move to return to his seat. His hostess surprised him by standing up.
“I’m glad you came, Nick, and if you really want to stay, you’re welcome, but I think you have some things to think about and probably want to be alone to do it.”
Before he could consider otherwise, Nikolai went to Daria and gave her a hug. She hugged him in return. Thanking her sincerely, he made his way to the door. His hand was on the knob when he spotted a box addressed to Princess Shelby Markham. Nikolai turned back.
“Would you like me to take this to Shelby?”
Daria laughed. “Oh, you don’t have to. It’s just silly.”
Nikolai smiled, picked it up, and weighed it in his hands.
“Clothes?”
“No,” Daria laughed again. “Fairy Cakes.”
“Fairy Cakes?”
“Shelby is crazy about them.” Daria shook her head. “A palace full of the finest desserts in the land, and she likes little packaged cakes.”
Nikolai watched her for a moment. “You miss her, don’t you?”
Tears filled Daria’s eyes so fast that they were both amazed.
“I’ll get these to her” was all Nikolai said, but his heart was assuring Daria that he would do right by her daughter if it was the last thing he ever did.
The events of recent weeks had united to make Shelby tired. Various encounters with her husband, some that hurt her and caused her painful confusion, had occurred. Shelby had not confronted him over any of them, making it all the more unsettling to have him turn around and treat her with such tenderness. Shelby was amazed. It was also puzzling to learn that he’d visited her mother. She was still trying to understand that one.