And therefore I should have just pressed the sword down deeper. I hadn’t hesitated thus far, but now that this moment was here, I couldn’t bring myself to follow through.
I kept replaying everyone’s warning in my head. Seth wanted to kill me. Seth would kill me if he got another chance. Hell, Seth had already tried to kill me.
I had been hanging onto a love that didn’t exist anymore. How could it? The boy I loved didn’t exist anymore.
And still I couldn’t let it go. I hesitated out of the hope of a love that might never be. I held back justice because of the man I knew he could become again and the relationship I desperately wanted us to salvage for the future.
I couldn’t love this man, but I could love the man I used to know and the man I knew he could become again.
And so I didn’t finish the job. I didn’t act in my best interest or out of the need to survive.
I let love become my weakness.
“Do it,” Seth growled at me. His movement was restricted by my blade and the power he allowed me to have over his body. “Finish it.”
I shook my head when a lone tear streaked down my cheek. “I can’t.”
“Kill me, Stella. For your sake, finish me!”
I shook my head harder and the tears dropped faster.
“You have to! Think about yourself for one goddamn second! If you don’t kill me, I will kill you. And you can’t let that happen. You’re more important than I will ever be. You need to cut me out of your life before I destroy everything.”
“I can’t,” I cried harder.
“Yes you can!” His voice was wrapped around outrageous anger. He was furious with me and still he lay beneath me as if he were my victim and not the other way around.
“You don’t know what you’re asking me!” My throat was thick with emotion and the words came out garbled and shaky. “How could you ask me to kill you when I can’t even stay away from you for my own safety?”
“For once in your life, grow some self-preservation and do what’s right! I know you have orders to kill me. I know that the Council wants me dead and they have every right! I should be dead. I’m a monster. And it’s only going to get worse. Take the opportunity tonight and give yourself a chance.”
I shook my head and pressed my lips together. My hands trembled against the hilt and my arms felt weighted with an impossible burden. My entire body quaked above him and yet I still relished the feel of him touching me. I was at war with myself. Brutal, unforgiving, life-altering war.
“I can’t kill you,” I whispered on a broken voice. “I can’t hurt you, even if I want to.”
His eyes glossed over even while his arms broke free of my weak hold and landed on the tops of my thighs. His hot, huge hands rubbed a heavy path up my bare legs and burrowed beneath the hem of my athletic shorts. He buried his hands under there, dipping his fingers in the crease of where my legs bent at my waist.
“Then do it for me,” he rasped out. “Think of the pain I’m in. Please, Stella. Put me out of this never-ending misery.” His face tilted up, exposing more of his throat to my sword.
“Seth.” I felt his hands shake where they touched me.
“I can’t keep living like this. I can’t keep doing these things. I need… relief.” The full force of his honey brown eyes hit me with all his tortured emotion. “Please don’t let me become the creature they’re trying to make me. Don’t let me become Fallen.”
My grip wobbled while I forced myself to press the blade against him. His words resonated with me. I understood his fear. What little remained of the Seth I knew fought relentlessly against the future Aliah laid out for him. There were concessions he was forced to make but he didn’t want to give in entirely. And I didn’t blame him.
Death would be far sweeter than an endless future under Aliah’s thumb.
Not only that, but Aliah had taken everything from him; his parents, his sister, a happy childhood, his freedom and now me. How could he give himself to a lifetime of servitude to the man that had betrayed him so entirely?
If I were Seth, I would beg for death too.
And it was an act of love, wasn’t it? To put him out of his misery? To hope that he reunited with his soul after it all ended?
But those were only hopes. I had no way to put faith in Seth’s afterlife.
Still, wasn’t it better to end it sooner than later? Could I really put any faith in the obscure future, when I knew it was far more likely he would become fully Fallen, once his soul was returned, rather than reach back for his Light.
Right now, he could only be evil. Without his soul to help him decide which way to follow, his actions weren’t entirely judged. He was somewhat blameless since his soul wasn’t in him to guide him. However, once it was returned to him, the full penalty of our law would be thrust upon him and if he chose to stay with Aliah, he would become Fallen.
If he chose to leave, he would still have the uphill battle of regaining his goodness back, his Light.
And we didn’t know if it was even possible.
I could believe and hope and pray as much as I wanted to, but the cold hard facts were that Seth would probably never get his Light back.
He was already too far gone.
Still, my hand wavered. “I can’t do it,” I whispered.
“You have to.”
I shook my head and his hands rubbed a searing path back down my legs before they lifted to my wrists. “If you love me, you’ll do this.”
My hands shook harder and my chest heaved with the effort to breathe. Tears blurred the image of his roughly gorgeous face in front of me. His perfect features melted together behind a wall of salt and water.
“Do you still love me?” he asked in a voice that exposed the depth of his vulnerability.
I nodded quickly. It wasn’t even a question to me. “Of course.”
“Say it,” he demanded. His grip on my wrists became painfully tight.
My Light had all but diminished. We were fully wrapped in the darkness of the night. The moon cast a cascade of silver over his face and the sword against his long throat, but the Stars seemed to dim from view. I imagined that even they couldn’t watch the downfall of one of their greatest Warriors.
“I love you,” I promised.
“Then kill me.”
“I want to hear you say it first,” I pleaded. “I need to hear it one more time.”
Warmth flooded his expression and washed over my body. His skin became superheated against mine and burned me all the way to my bones. His full lips tipped up into an affectionate smile and his chest shuddered beneath me.
“My Light,” he murmured adoringly. “My anchor. I love you, Stella.”
I closed my eyes against the merciless force of those words. I let them soak into me, wrap around my entire being and give me a strength I didn’t think I had. I nodded then, my consent.
I would kill him.
I would give him this one act of compassion.
I couldn’t speak my agreement though. It was too much. I would immediately doubt myself and pull away. I knew that.
He seemed to understand and sunk into the ground, relaxing beneath me. His eyes never left my face. He watched me with rapt focus, seeming to memorize every last detail of me here in the dark.
I took one last courageous breath and began to force my blade into his jugular. His grip on my wrists tightened. I didn’t know if he was fighting the urge to push me away or taking away my indecision. Either way, I had already decided to do this for him and I wasn’t backing away now.
Had there ever been a different way for us?
Since the Council had ordered me to kill him, I had secretly wondered if this moment was inevitable for us.
And now here I was. Willing to kill him for him.
This wasn’t for me. This was the extent of my love for him. I was willing to do anything for him. Including this.
He choked when the pressure become too much and my hand faltered. He urged me to conti
nue with the look in his eyes but a pain so strong and consuming had already started to overcome me. I started shivering beyond control.
What was I thinking?
I couldn’t do this!
I tore my wrists from his iron grip and crawled away from him as fast as I could. I scrambled to my feet and threw the sword down at his side.
No. No! How could I have even contemplated the idea?
I couldn’t kill Seth!
I couldn’t live without him!
I was too selfish. I was too optimistic.
I believed in him. And I believed in my future with him.
In this one-sided love I felt.
I watched a mask drop down over his face. Whatever tenderness or affection had been there before was now replaced with fury and loathing. He jumped to his feet, straight from his back, grabbing his sword on his way. Blood ran in thin rivers from the wound I’d opened and soaked the front of his t-shirt.
He loomed over me, even while we stood several feet apart. His eyes had hardened into stone and granite carvings of what had been once the most familiar place to me. He was soulless again.
He was teetering on the edge of Fallen.
“You shouldn’t have done that,” he warned with unmistakable malice.
“I know.”
And I did know. I probably just really screwed up. But what did he expect of me? Honestly.
Three more Fallen landed around him just as he was about to take a step towards me. Aliah at his right side, Seven on his left and another hulking monstrosity that I didn’t recognize behind him.
“I had started to worry about you,” Aliah said coolly in way of greeting.
“I got caught up,” Seth answered.
Seven looked franticly between her brother and me. She wore a soft pink, eyelet dress with lace sleeves. Her dress was the picture of innocence and dainty decorum. But that was the only thing about her that appeared put together. Her matching pink shoes were caked in mud. Her golden brown hair tangled and wild around her stricken face. She looked like a caged animal. Her frightened, Bambi-sized eyes flickered back and forth between us with absolute confusion written all over them.
Seth wobbled between the world of good and bad; Seven had a completely different struggle. It didn’t matter if she was completely good or completely Fallen, her battle was between sanity and insanity. This was a girl on the precipice of an abyss. One small misstep and she would tumble into chaos forever.
I wasn’t sure if I was completely against that idea.
“Did you touch him?” she snarled at me.
“What?” I probably should have thought of something better to come back with, but her question surprised me. I hadn’t expected her to talk to me.
“Did you touch him?” she asked even more aggressively.
She shone like gold against the edge of the cliff. Her unruly hair whipped around her face and her expression twisted into an ugly mask of hatred.
“I almost killed him,” I bit back at her.
She took a leap at me but Seth caught her around her waist. Her hands made claws that lashed out at me with promised pain. “Don’t touch him!” she shrieked. “Don’t you ever touch him! You’re killing him! You’re killing him!”
“Okay, Seven. Since you asked so nicely.” I crossed my arms to hide the fact that I was weaponless and pretended to be more put together than I actually was.
I had almost killed Seth.
For real, almost killed him.
The trembling in my hands spread to my entire body and I did what I could to stay the complete meltdown threatening to snap me in half. I met Seth’s gaze from across the distance and couldn’t tell what he was thinking.
I was in a dangerous situation, but I’d stopped caring about my own life. Clearly. I realized that I was living for him now. I’d given up my safety and wellbeing the second I decided he should get to live.
In a way, I was completely at his mercy no matter what I did. So the small army of Fallen in front of me didn’t intimidate me anymore.
I had bigger issues than a few pissed off Fallen and a crazy girl.
Like almost killing the man I loved.
Shit, what had I done?
In a world of lies and confusion, in my life where I couldn’t decipher who was my enemy and who was my ally, Seth was the only one I could count on. Seth was my truth. Even while he was like this. Even while I fought him and risked my life for him, he was the most real thing in my life.
He was what I would fight to my dying breath for.
“Where are your weapons, Starling?” Aliah asked slowly.
I pulled my attention from Seth to stare at the big, bad evil controlling my Counterpart.
“Weapons? Do I need weapons?”
Aliah’s cold gaze traveled over my bloody uniform and torn knee pad that hung awkwardly at my ankle. He glanced at Seth who stayed back with a chilling reserve. “I suppose you don’t tonight.”
I smiled sweetly at him. “Thanks again, Seth. Couldn’t do this withoutchya.” I threw out a mock salute and started to get ready for takeoff.
“You ended one of my allies tonight,” Aliah’s accusation chased after me.
“Was that me?” I put a hand to my chest and steeled my face into an unreadable mask. “He was supposed to be one of mine. I’m sure you’ll find others.”
“I’m sure I will,” Aliah answered. “I’ll be sure to make us even though. I mean, what’s fair is fair and if I can’t have you…”
His words trailed off while I thought about all my loved ones and the increased danger they were in. I gave Seth a meaningful glance and returned my gaze to Aliah. “I might have taken an ally from you tonight,” I told him. “But I gave you something far more valuable. The way I see it… you owe me one.”
I didn’t stick around to discuss the finite details. I took off into the sky and used my internal compass system to guide me home. Now that I was in the air, I could feel that I was on the west coast.
I took off to the middle of America, toward dawn and an insignificant little farming town in the middle of cornfields and soybeans.
I landed home, just as the sun broke the horizon. The big sky was painted in the deepest hues of purple, pink and orange. A half circle sun had just made its first appearance of the day and sat nestled in the bluest clouds I’d ever seen. Cool air washed over my skin and sang of mornings and new beginnings and of the bright day ahead of me.
I’d lost tonight. No matter how I played this out in my head, I lost.
Seth was gone now more than he ever had been before. I’d missed my opportunity to give him peace. I’d missed my opportunity to bring some kind of safety back to my own life.
Ari was dead and that had to be something. A large faction of traitors had been exposed and hopefully killed. But, the war was far from over.
Rebellion still whispered in the wind and hid in the darkest places.
And the love of my life had been reduced to begging for the sweet freedom of death.
No, this war was only just beginning.
And I stood on the front lines waiting for a battle that was bigger than me, and an army far more capable and ready than I could ever be.
My parents landed next to me at just that moment. Nate and Serena were behind them. Three of them held children. Jupiter stumbled out onto the porch with wild eyes and nearly every part of him blackened and beaten.
“Where were you?” I demanded of him.
“Where were you?” my father practically shouted at me.
I looked at him and sunk into the outstretched arm he had for me. “I’m fine,” I promised. “Safe for now.”
Jupiter didn’t respond, he just looked at me and nodded.
“Okay, in we go,” Nate called from the back. “I’m going to need help pulling this blade from my back.”
I looked at Nate and realized that was not a metaphor or pop culture reference. There was actually a sword lodged in his back.
Serena shot me a wink. ??
?You did good, Starling.”
“Thank you,” I answered. “Looks like you guys did too.”
She limped after her Counterpart, an unconscious child draped over the front of her. “Bet you’re looking forward to the day this job is all yours.”
A laugh surprised me. “Counting down the days.” Which was both truth and a lie.
My mother passed the little boy in her arms to my father and put her arm around me and guided me into the house. The children were deposited in the living room and covered with warm blankets. They were unconscious now so we had a few minutes before serious decisions about their well-being would have to be made.
The six of us limped and dragged ourselves to the kitchen where we could tend to our battle wounds and debrief each other on everything that happened. Jupiter stayed tight-lipped to his evening activities, but I knew sooner or later they would come out. Especially when he didn’t look the least bit surprised that Ari had turned out to be evil. He claimed to have never trusted any member of the Council, least of all him.
We laughed and plotted during the healing process. There were enough battle stories to keep us all entertained. I even impressed them when I told them about how Ari had died and how I managed to best Seth. They all knew he’d let me. They all understood that part of him. But I think they were the most impressed when I told them I’d let him live.
I didn’t understand my actions and even if they didn’t either, they at least accepted them. They made me feel like I did the right thing. And with all the doubts and insecurity I had a volcano building inside my chest; that was what I needed the most.
Maybe I was lonely without Seth, but I was not alone.
I had friends and family that loved me. I had a purpose and commitment to a job that was quickly becoming my life.
I had meaning. I had hope.
I had enough to get me through until I could get Seth back.
And I would. I would get him back.
Or I would die trying.
Chapter Twenty
I arrived the next morning at school a little worse for wear. I hadn’t exactly finished healing despite the long night. I hadn’t studied for my history test either and I already knew I was going to have to spend the day avoiding Coach and the angry lecture on failure I was sure to be in for.