CHAPTER VIII
_How Pinocchio Made Two Beasts Sing--Contrary to Nature_
Excuse me, my children, for not having presented Ciampanella to youbefore. Ciampanella was a pure-blooded Roman, born under the shadow ofthe Capitol, like--the wolf kept at the cost of the City Commune. IfFrancis Joseph had seen him he would have appointed him at once asroyal hangman because he had a gallows countenance and a body like agigantic negro. Yet he was the best-hearted man in the world, so goodthat he wouldn't harm a fly.
This evening he was in such a good humor that he made even Pinocchiolaugh, whom the charge of the prisoners had made as serious as ajudge.
"Listen, youngster, don't bother yourself with these two scoundrelswhose throats I'll cut some day with my kitchen knife as if they werepigs, and so you will be freed from the care of them, and I win backthe honor which I lose in feeding the enemies of my country."
"Are you crazy?"
"Why?"
"Didn't you hear what my captain said? We must make them sing."
"Them sing? It's easier to make the statue of Marcus Aurelius singthat's of bronze and won't move from the Capitol for fear theCouncilors of the Commune might take it to a pawnbroker's."
"But I've found out already what their names are."
"I, too."
"Let's hear."
"Pigs."
"That is their family name, but the real name of the Croat is Stolzand the Hungarian's is Franz."
"And then?"
"We've got to find out how many of them are down there in thetrenches; if there are others behind them; how many pieces ofartillery they have and where; from what point their munitions andsupplies come, and how many officers are in command of the troops."
"That's the easiest thing possible."
"You think so?"
"You ask them and they will answer."
"And if they pretend not to hear?"
"Leave it to me, youngster. I have a special way of making myselfunderstood, even by the deaf. I didn't read for nothing _The SpanishInquisition_. Bring to me here those two satellites of Franz Joe andyou'll hear the speeches I'll make them."
Ciampanella rubbed his ears, tied an apron around his waist as when heentered upon his official functions, filled up the little stove withcharcoal and lighted a fine fire. When Pinocchio returned to thekitchen, followed by the prisoners, a pair of tongs and a shovel wereheating on the red-hot charcoal.
At the sight of these the Croat and the Hungarian exchanged glancesand a few quick, dry phrases in their language.
Ciampanella advanced triumphantly to within a foot of them, bowed likean actor to an applauding audience, and unfolded one of his mostpolished discourses:
"Gentlemen, our officers say that we must respect the enemy, and Irespect you according to command; but in case any one should persistin refusing to speak, just like the beasts, I should feel it my dutyto treat him like a beast, and my superiors would say to me,'Ciampanella, you're right.' I explain this because we have need ofcertain information, so we take the liberty of asking you in secretcertain things which you, gentlemen, can answer, after which we willgive you special attention in our culinary service. This is said andpromised, so I begin my questions. We want to know how many men andhow many officers that big simpleton of your emperor has whipped uptogether against us."
No answer.
"What? Are you deaf? Don't you understand modern Italian? Then I'lltalk ancient Roman to you."
Ciampanella grabbed from the stove the red-hot shovel and waved itbefore the Austrians' noses. Their eyes popped out with fright, butthey didn't utter a word.
"You will either answer or I will give you two kisses with the shovelon your right cheeks and two on your left."
"'Talian pigs! Brigands!"
"May you be skinned alive! To call me a brigand! Me! Pinocchio, whichcreature is this, Spitz or Spotz?"
"Franz."
"Listen, Franz, if you dare insult me another time, I'll untie yourhands and then I'll give you so many boxes on your ear that'll makeyou more of an imbecile than your emperor."
"You kill us, we die mouths shut."
"We, we ... Wait before you talk in the plural; wait till I put thisred-hot shovel to Stolz's ear, and then ..."
Ciampanella came closer to the Croat, armed with his other heatediron, but suddenly he felt a blow on his eye which half blinded him.
"... they can ..."
He couldn't finish because Pinocchio burst out laughing so wildly thathe had to hold his stomach. Ciampanella, who had been taken unaware bythe glass of water Pinocchio had thrown at him, let out all his angeron him.
"Youngster, look out for yourself. I won't stand nonsense from you. Iowe to our enemies the respect enjoined by regulations, but you I cantake by the nape of the neck and set you down on the stove, and I'llroast you as if you were beef."
Pinocchio became suddenly serious and began to swing his wooden leg sonervously that if Major Cutemup had seen him he would have turned asyellow as a Chinaman with fear. If the descendant of Romulus and Remushad had the slightest idea of the kick which menaced him at thismoment he would have grown calm as if by magic. But Pinocchio, who hadseen Franz and Stolz exchange sly glances and a smile full of irony,held himself in and, after scratching his head solemnly, approachedCiampanella, who was wiping his eye with his apron, and taking holdaffectionately of his arm, said:
"So you want to roast me on your stove?"
"As I told you."
"Wouldn't it be better to cook something on it for our supper thisevening?"
"This evening's supper? But you know that this evening I wouldn'tlight the fire if the commander-in-chief came in person to command meto. When the company is in action I am free to do what I want, andwhen I am free to do what I want I don't do anything. So if you arehungry you'll have to eat bread and compressed meat, and if you don'tlike it you'll have to fast."
"Listen, Ciampanella; you reason like Menenius Agrippa, who was anancient Roman able to make things clearer than modern Romans, butsometimes you get tangled up in your premises."
"Listen, youngster, don't insult me, because as sure as Ciampanella ismy name I will wring your neck like a chicken's."
"But I'm not insulting you."
"Then tell me what kind of things are _premises_; otherwise ..."
"Otherwise you'll take me and make me sit on the stove and roast me,won't you? That proves that the fire is lighted and that the charcoalis burning for nothing, and so if, for example, the commander-in-chiefshould pay you a visit he would give you a fortnight's imprisonmentfor it, because when the company's in action you are free to do whatyou want, but not in the kitchen, and if you are hungry you must eatbread and compressed meat or fast."
"Heh, youngster! I didn't light the stove for culinary purposes, butfor strategic reasons. It was to make these two beasts talk."
"But they haven't talked."
"We'll fling them out and let the mad dogs eat them."
"But if you, instead of heating the shovel and tongs, had roasted ayoung pullet and served it with one of those famous sauces ..."
"Chicken in the Roman style with potato puffs ..."
"Just look at Stolz. He's licking his greased whiskers as if thepotatoes were cooking under his nose."
"Look at Franz gaping."
"They have a dog's hunger, and in order to make them sing ..."
"You want me to cook a little supper such as I can cook if I setmyself to it, stick it under their noses, and ... Youngster, that's amagnificent idea! When I write my _Manual of War Cookery_ I'll put youon the frontispiece as the first of kitchen strategians. Leave thingsto me and in half an hour I'll hand you out a couple of stews thatwould raise up the dead better even than Garibaldi's Hymn!"
Pinocchio heaved a sigh. He had won such a battle that, if he hadbeen a German, would have caused the people to hammer I don't know howmany nails into his statue. While Ciampanella was bustling about onall sides, plucking two young fowls, peeling potatoes, frying
lard andonions, melting butter in a saucepan, preparing a stew in another,Pinocchio was striding up and down the kitchen, long and narrow as acorridor, eying stealthily the two prisoners, who were beginning toshow signs of a growing restlessness. They had been fasting for morethan twenty-four hours and their last food had been such a mess thatit might have been requisitioned from the poultry-yard and the stable.
Ciampanella seemed eager to surpass himself. He hovered over his potswithout paying any attention to Pinocchio, but talking in a loud voiceas if he wished to impart a lesson in cookery to half the world.
"Listen, youngster, when you want to eat two savory young fowls youmust cook them in the Roman fashion according to Ciampanella's recipe,which, when it is written down, will not have its equal in _Urbis etOrbis_. I call it the Roman fashion, but it might also truly becalled the Ostrogothic fashion ... but that's the way. Take two youngfowls and cut them into pieces, put a good-sized lump of butter into asaucepan and a little onion and fry it a little; dredge the fowls withflour, and put them to simmer in the butter; when they are browned putin some tomato paste, salt and pepper, and let them cook down, later agrain of nutmeg, cover it and let it cook.... Do you smell that odor,youngster? And just think how it will taste! You'll lick your napkinlike that dirty Croat who ... Ho! ho! look at his tongue hangingout.... Ho! ho! ho!"
The air was filled with a fragrance so entrancing that it would havegiven an appetite to the mouth of a letter-box; so imagine how themiserable two felt, who, after all, were men of flesh and blood andhad no other defect than of having been born under the Executioner'sscepter. Stolz with his mouth wide open breathed in the air in deepbreaths, tasting it hungrily as if he could really taste the odor thattickled his nostrils. Ciampanella stepped in front of him, and spoutedout one of his special speeches, gesticulating with his fork.
"Well, Mr. Croat? How do you think we do it? Franz Joe is worse offthan the least of our Alpine troops, because we are not reduced tognawing bones like you who make war in order to fish, as the proverbsays, in troubled waters. What a delicious odor, isn't it? But don'tstand there with your mouth open or I'll fill it with dish-water.Here's some!"
"'Talian pig!" howled Stolz, half strangled with nausea and disgust,spitting all around.
"If you call me an Italian pig again, I'll break your head in spite ofthe respect they teach us is due the enemy, because in this world itis tit for tat."
"Listen, Ciampanella," Pinocchio interrupted at the right moment, "ifthe chickens are done we could sit down at the table and offer a biteto Stolz."
"That's a good idea, youngster."
While the boy was setting the table and the chef was dishing up thestew, from the distance came several tremendous rumblings, whichbrought a smile to the faces of the prisoners, who exchangedsignificant glances. The sound came from our six-inch guns that hadbeen dragged with such effort to the altitude of nine thousand feetand arrived the day before by way of the _filovia_, which were nowopening fire on the enemy's trenches. If Franz and Stolz had had eventhe faintest suspicion of this they would have changed theirexpressions.
* * * * *
"Dear Ciampanella, as a cook you should be put on the pedestal of amonument. This chicken is a masterpiece. If that imbecile of a Stolz,instead of standing there like a dog with his tongue hanging out, afoot away from the tail of a hare, could give a lick to thisdrumstick, I wager he would desert his emperor and demand Italiancitizenship."
"For my part, I'd rather give him the chicken than the citizenship."
"I would as lief have it," Stolz risked saying, passing his tongueover his whiskers.
"I guess so."
"And I'll give you not only a drumstick, but half a chicken with gravyand a loaf of bread to go with it, if you'll tell me ..."
"We can't talk; don't want to betray our country."
"Dear Stolz, you're a fine fellow, but if you can't talk I can't giveyou anything to eat and we are quits. But I haven't asked you tobetray either Croatia, or even Hungary, if you are afraid of Franz'shearing you."
"Oh, he speaks only Magyar."
"All the better; then you can tell me how many Bohemians, Slovaks,Carinthians, Poles, Germans, and Styrians are intrenched on Mount Xopposite our men.... We'll leave out the Croats, your countrymen ...and, moreover, I'll wager five soldi of Victor Emanuel against a crownof your emperor that if they were here and smelled this odor theywouldn't make such a to-do about it or talk like lawyers. But smellthis" ... and while he spoke the rascal of a Pinocchio took in bothhis hands the dish with the stew and held it close to Stolz's nose,who shut his eyes and heaved a sigh as if he were giving up his soulto the god of all the Croats.
"You 'Talian scoundrel, if you give me and Franz all we can eat anddrink I'll tell you what you want to know."
"May the saints in Paradise reward you! If you sing and sing well,look what delicate morsels I'll give you," cried Ciampanella, jumpingabout with delight. He hastened to fill two plates with delicious foodand two loaves of fresh bread and half of a sharp old sheep's cheesewhich would have brought a dead man to life.
"And now there's nothing more to do except to untie your hands and togive you chairs to sit on."
"We have three lines of trenches, fifteen hundred men ... twobatteries placed on the Donkey's Saddle ... but you have Alpine troopsand we can't get the better of you. So our colonel had marvelousplan--he had huge mine dug and thought to blow up Alpines to bust themall up. This morning we attacked on purpose. When Alpines came face tous, we go all back to retreat, but they not come to mined spot anddidn't all bust up. But when Alpines enter first trench which we leave... bum! 'Talian pigs all dead and Austrian soldiers shout hurrah foremperor. Did you hear little while ago lots of noise? I knows ... Iknows what it was ... big mine blow up."
"And 'Talian pigs all killed, aren't they?" yelled the enragedCiampanella. "And you think I am going to give you food? Not by a longshot. See what game I'm going to play with you. In the mean time prayto the god of all the Croats that what you have said may not be true,because if, instead of making war as real soldiers do, your side hascommitted such a despicable deed, you two shall pay for it, and astruly as my name is Ciampanella, chef of the mess, you'll pay for itdearly enough."
And shaking his lion head and jumping up in the air, waving his armsabout violently, he took up a piece of rope and bound the prisonerstightly to a pole which supported the roof of the dugout.
"And now if you can eat these good gifts of God which I leave underyour nose, you'll do well, I assure you.... Come, Pinocchio, we musttake this news to the officer commanding our company, because I don'tbelieve anything wrong has happened yet."
"And the prisoners?"
"They won't escape, I, Ciampanella, assure you. They are tied up liketwo pork sausages, and, besides, you know what we'll do? When the dooris shut we'll put up against it one of the bombs that they make whichgo off almost without touching them. I know where some of them arehidden away. If they should succeed in loosening the rope and shouldtry to get away they'll take a ride in the air. And now we'll wish thegentlemen good appetite and be off on our own affairs."
Five minutes later Ciampanella and Pinocchio were running across thesnow through the dusk.