Chapter Twenty-Three
Hailey
My phone rang again. I looked down to see who it was even though I already knew. Chase had been calling me non-stop all morning. I wasn't sure what I wanted to say to him yet— what was I supposed to say to him? He’d told me I was a brat and that he loved me. Was he serious? I couldn't know for sure, so I had been ignoring all of his calls. You would think he'd get the hint but apparently not.
Tessa was car shopping with me. Neither of us knew anything about cars, but I had finally saved up enough money to buy a reliable used vehicle and she was tagging along for moral support.
“You know who knows about cars?”
“Who?” I peered through the window of a 1998 Ford Taurus.
“Chase,” she said matter-of-factly. “I bet he’d be more help than me.” “A chipmunk would be more help than you.”
She rolled her eyes, but didn’t bring him up again.
After I’d test-driven the Taurus, I decided to get it. I signed the papers and drove back to the dorms in my new-to-me car. It was navy blue and nothing fancy, but it was mine. I wouldn’t have to worry about Braxton having to always pick me up or borrowing Tessa’s car in an emergency. The independence felt good.
Tessa beat me back to the room—I had to get a parking sticker first. I didn’t want to have my car towed or get a ticket for illegal parking my very first day of owning it.
When I walked in, she quickly got off the phone with whoever she was talking to and gave me a guilty look. Her eyes darted to her dresser where a beautiful bouquet of flowers in a glass vase now sat. Jonathan must have sent them to apologize to her, though he really had nothing to apologize for. It wasn't his fault Chase had lied to me. “Are those from Jonathan?” I asked, even though I already knew.
“Yeah,” she said sheepishly.
“You know, I don’t expect you to hold this against Jonathan. Even I’m not mad at him for being in on the joke.”
“Just trying to abide by Girl Code.”
“For the millionth time, that’s not a real thing.” I rolled my eyes at her. “Seriously though, I’m not mad at Jonathan.”
“Can you just tell me what’s going on between you two?” I didn’t have to ask her who she was referring to.
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Come on, Hailey. What happened?”
“He humiliated me, that's what happened,” I said pointedly. “And then the jerk drunkdialed me last night. Which wasn’t cool, at all.”
I had actually spent a lot of time thinking about everything Chase had said to me. Some of it hurt, but as much as I didn’t want to admit it, I couldn’t deny the truth behind his words. Because the truth was, he was right—I was a brat and a snob and, yes, he was also right; I was pretentious.
And yet, he’d said he loved me.
But he’d also been seriously wasted. Did he feel the same way when he was sober enough to think straight? How could someone like him possibly love someone like me?
I wasn’t sure who I was and I only had a vague inclination of who I wanted to be. I had put so much effort in trying to plan everything the way that I thought it should be, that I didn’t even know what I actually wanted.
All I really knew was that it was going to take a full blown scrubbing with sandpaper and possibly bleach to get Chase out of my head.
It needed to happen. I needed to forget about him and move on to the future I had planned with Braxton. Unfortunately, that was easier said than done because every time I closed my eyes, it was Chase's face that I saw.
“That's not exactly the answer I was looking for.”
“I spent the last few months gushing over William C. Lancaster and the whole time, the whole time, it was Chase and no one thought to even mention it to me?”
“He didn't want you to know.”
“Exactly. He lied to me.”
“Not really, Hailey. He just wasn't forthcoming with the information.”
“Same thing.”
“Oh Hailey, he didn't mean to hurt you. Don't you realize that?”
“He didn't mean to make me feel like an idiot when I realized that I had been obsessing over William C. Lancaster, crushing on William C. Lancaster TO William C. Lancaster? He should have told me.”
“You are right. He should have. But he didn't. Did you even ask him why? Did you even give him the chance to explain?”
“No.”
“No. You didn't. You immediately ran off to Braxton and got—” She grabbed my left hand and threw it up in the air as she spat out, “Engaged! Who gets engaged at eighteen years old? I'll tell you who: cowards.”
“Tessa!”
“No, don't ‘Tessa’ me! You are going to hear me out. You’re only accepting his proposal because you’re scared and he’s the easy choice— he’s comfortable and familiar. Don’t you find that dull? You don't take any chances, Hailey. You never live. You’re stuck in place and you are never going to grow up until you realize that life is about taking chances. It's about making mistakes and learning who you are from those mistakes. For once in your life Hailey, tell your freaking head to shut up and listen to your heart. Because I guarantee that if you actually gave your heart a chance, it would point you down a very different path than the one you are currently on. A bumpy, twisting, scary, and unpredictable path, but believe me, the view is so much better.”
Tears pooled in my eyes, probably messing up my black eyeliner, and threatening to spill out at any moment.
Tessa grabbed some tissues from her dresser. They were the cheap, stiff kind that would probably make my face redder than my tears, but I accepted them anyway and attempted to clean up the black smudges under my eyes.
“What do I do, Tessa? I'm so confused.”
“I can't tell you what to do, that's your decision to make. I'm not telling you to stay with him, but I'm also not telling you to leave him. You need to do what's right and what makes you happy."
“What if I choose wrong?” I asked, my voice quiet and shaky.
“Then you dust yourself off and start again.”
“That sounds terrifying.”
“That, my dear, is all part of this glorious ride they call life.”
“God, when did my life become so complicated?” I said more to myself than to her.
“Just think about everything I said, Hailey.” Tessa sighed tiredly. “And don’t be too hard on Chase. There’s a lot more going on there than you know.”
“I can’t think about him right now.” I grabbed my phone. “Not tonight. Thanks though, for you know, talking and stuff. I’m just going to go for a walk.” I hugged Tessa before I left. I didn’t want to make her think I was mad at her, because I wasn’t. Deep down, I knew she was exactly right.
I just needed some air—I needed room to think about everything. Even though I said I didn’t want to think about him, it didn’t matter. His face consumed my thoughts and I realized it was a lost cause. I couldn’t stop thinking about this unfamiliar walking contradiction. His name echoed in the back of my mind.
I wondered why he’d kept his identity a secret. A part of me wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt—maybe he’d wanted to surprise me? Maybe he’d thought I’d be impressed. Or maybe he was a total jerk who just wanted to mess with my head.
No, I didn’t really believe that. If he’d wanted to be a jerk, he wouldn’t be passiveaggressive about it. He would have been laughing in my face when I realized who he was. That wasn’t what he’d done at all. In fact, he’d seemed to be really nervous that day.
My phone rang. I checked it even though I was sure it would be Chase again, but this time it wasn't—it was Braxton.
“Hello?” As soon as I answered, I could tell something was wrong.
“Are you busy?”
“No. What’s up?”
“It’s Mom—she wants to see you.”
He di
dn’t have to say anything else. All thoughts of Chase were pushed to the back of my mind.
“I’m leaving now.”
The hour drive to Southlake seemed longer than it ever had before. Chase called several times but I still couldn't talk to him. I put my phone on silent. A person can only handle so much at a time and right now I needed to focus on Mrs. Douglas. I'd talk to Chase when I got back to Oakdale.
When I entered the familiar house I saw Mr. Douglas, his face white as he walked past me and headed up the stairs with heavy steps. He said nothing to me, but that wasn’t a surprise. I hadn’t actually had a conversation with him in a few months. He didn’t talk to anyone anymore.
I worried about how he was going to go on after Mrs. Douglas passed. I didn’t think he’d survive and that broke my heart. Brad turned the corner. His usual cheerful demeanor had shifted to a more solemn one and I knew that this was it. The last day we would have with her.
“Braxton’s in with her now. She’s having a good day,” Brad told me quietly.
“That’s good right?”
“Yes, it is. But it also means that we probably don’t have much more time with her.” “What do you mean?”
“It’s a pretty common phenomenon. One of my professors discussed it last semester. Right before terminally ill patients pass, they get one final burst of energy. Religious people say it’s like a gift from God—allowing a chance to say goodbye while the loved one is lucid. But— ”
“So this might be the last time I get to talk to her?” I interrupted him.
“It’s very likely.”
I nodded and went into the room. Braxton was sitting beside his mom, they were laughing about something. He might have looked up when I came in, but I didn’t notice. All I could see was Mrs. Douglas. I was struck with how different she seemed. I’d just seen her a few days ago, but the change was drastic.
“My sweet girl.” She said, turning her head to me. Her voice was rough and weak, but it was stronger than it had been in weeks. I idly wondered if maybe Brad was wrong, maybe it wasn’t the end after all. Maybe there was a chance she could be getting better? But I knew that was wishful thinking. He probably knew exactly what he was talking about.
Braxton got up to make room for me. He kissed the top of my head as he walked by. “I’m going to get a drink,” he said, but really I think he just needed a moment to compose himself. He might have put on a smile for his mom, but I knew his heart must be breaking inside.
“Hi.” I sat down beside the hospital bed. “I’m sorry I haven’t been around much.”
She smiled slightly. “Don’t apologize. Tell me about what you’ve been up to.”
“Um, well, nothing much.” I was terrible at small talk. “I got a job and I actually bought my first car today.”
“You should be proud.”
“I am.”
“How’s school?”
“Good. Surprisingly my favorite class is Music Composition.” “That doesn’t surprise me,” she said knowingly.
“I guess not. It started out kind of rough, but it ended up better than I expected. I got paired up with this guy who was super scary at first and my total opposite in every way— except he ended up not being as bad as I thought he would be—in fact, I think he's actually a pretty decent guy. There's definitely more to him than meets the eye. He's sort of a walking contradiction actually. He's the lead singer and guitarist in a pop punk band and he's covered in tattoos, but he is also this classical musical prodigy—he plays the piano. I wasn't very nice to him at first but the more I got to know him the more I realized that he feels music the same way I do.” I blushed as I realized I was telling my fiancé’s mother about the guy I was falling in love with. ”Anyway, we had to compose a song together for our class project, and I think it’s turning out to be pretty great.”
“Will you play it for me?”
“I didn’t bring my guitar.”
“Will you sing it?”
“It’s not really finished yet. Maybe next time I visit.”
“Please, just a little?”
How could I tell her no?
So I sang the lyrics that Chase and I had written together and the words took on a whole new meaning.
“There is this energy, it’s calling me
It’s making me change my mind
There’s this intensity when you’re close to me
And now we’re blurring all the lines…” I sang for her, because she’d asked me to, but right then and there, I realized the truth of what I sang. I wondered if she could feel it too.
“Thank you,” she said when I finished.
“For what?”
“For singing for me. I know that you haven’t done that in years. I’ve missed it.”
“There wasn’t much reason for me to sing after she left.”
“I know. I’m sorry for everything you went through. I tried so hard to ease the pain, but I know no one can ever replace your mom.”
I shook my head. “No, you didn’t replace her. You were so much more to me than she ever was.”
“Hailey, there’s something I want to say to you.” The words were soft and she said them slowly like it caused her great effort to speak at all. “I love you and I have always been so proud of you. You were the daughter I never had.”
A single tear rolled down her cheek and it was like that one tear opened the floodgates.
My tears fell hot and fast, and soon I could barely see her.
She squeezed my hand lightly; she didn’t have much strength left but I felt it. She continued, “I’m sorry I won’t be there for your college graduation, or your wedding day, or when you bring your first child into the world. I won’t be there to hold your hand and give you advice like I always wanted to and that breaks my heart most of all. But I know you will be okay. You are strong. Just always stay true to yourself. Be the woman you are and the one you are meant to be. Do not become what you think others want and always live as if this is your last day because you never know if tomorrow is going to come.”
I didn’t know what to say to her after that. So I kissed her cheek and held her hand and we both cried silent tears.
She died the next day.
I never understood why people felt the need to comment about a funeral being beautiful. The flowers were beautiful, but everything else was black. There was nothing beautiful about burying a woman before her time—especially one who had suffered so much in her last few months on this earth.
I guess the only other thing about it that could be considered beautiful was that her suffering was done. She was in a better place—at least I hoped that she was. I hoped she was in a place where she could be healthy and happy and everything would be bright, and she could eat all the cheesecake she wanted.