Claire tried to smile. “I’m thankful we had the opportunity to talk.” And for the first time, she truly was.
Then Mrs. Johnson addressed Tony. “Mr. Rawlings, God is so funny.”
Tony replied, “I’m sorry, I don’t follow.”
“Mr. Rawlings, if there was one man my son idealized besides his father it was you.” Tony’s eyes reflected the appreciation she sent his way. “He received his start at his dream job in one of your companies. When he first started working there, you made a few visits to their office. You probably don’t remember, but on one occasion you spoke to Simon about one of his projects, he talked about it for months. He aspired to be like you. Now you and Claire are happily married, I just think God has a sense of humor.” She looked lovingly at both of them, introduced them to the rest of the family, and added, “Please sit up toward the front, it would mean a lot to Simon and it means a lot to me.” They did.
Throughout the memorial Tony held Claire’s hand. Later when she tried, she couldn’t remember the service. Between Mrs. Johnson’s words and memories of her parents’ funeral her energy went to appearing composed, fighting the pounding in her head, and not fainting.
On the flight home she thought about Mrs. Johnson’s words, Simon aspired to be Tony. She thought about her assessment of Tony: ruining lives with his business decisions. Maybe there was more to her husband. If Simon aspired to be Tony, maybe there was something there to aspire to. With her head on his lap, she looked up at him and recognized his expression: thoughts in a million different places. She watched his strong jaw that clenched and unclenched, his dark brown eyes, furrowed brow, and perfectly combed hair. Maybe he helped lives too, Mrs. Johnson believed he did. Claire just needed a different perspective.
Grandma Nichols said, “Sometimes you can’t see the forest for the trees.” Perhaps she was too close. She knew him, intimately knew his flaws, maybe he was a different man from a distance. The voices in her head debated. People thought Tony a kind, wonderful, generous, benevolent businessman. She knew he could be loving, tender, sensual, and lavish. She also knew a side of him that didn’t fit either description.
He absently stared into space, stroking her blonde hair. She appreciated his efforts over the last few days, he was trying. She exhaled deeply and closed her eyes.
Tony remembered her expression during the funeral, so much overwhelming grief. That kind of emotion was only visible with the loss of someone you love dearly. Of course, she lost two someones. He remembered the church overflowing with people. Even though his death was not in the line of duty, Officer Jordon Nichols received full police honors. There were uniformed cops everywhere. And apparently Shirley Nichols had many bereaved friends and students. Blending into the crowd wasn’t difficult. Now as he stroked her silky hair he believed his plan took a turn that day. Originally he had different designs, but watching her flanked by her sister he knew he had to know her. Actually, reminiscing he knew before then that he didn’t want anyone else knowing her.
The internship was an easy ploy to rid her of Simon. Watching the sadness from Claire and his family today, there was a part of Tony that hated what happened. But it was Simon’s fault. He should have just left Claire alone, but no. His actions in Chicago resulted in the consequences today in Madison.
He beheld her sleeping face on his leg. That day so many years ago she’d been all alone. Today he did what he wanted to do then. It was him, not Emily, not John. She needed him. This wasn’t an occasion for smiles, but knowing she was asleep, he grinned.
As they landed in Iowa he gently woke his wife. It was only about six in the evening but the sky was dark and spitting snow. They hurried from the plane to the warm waiting car. Tony asked Claire a question, “Where would you like to go for our anniversary?”
“Some place sunny and warm.” The desire she didn’t say aloud: alone.
Anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing in the world to do.
But to hold it together when everyone else would understand
if you fell apart, that’s true strength.
—Unknown
Chapter 45
November fluctuates between autumn and winter. Technically, winter doesn’t begin until after the winter solstice. But as it approaches, the days dramatically decrease in length, and the darkness increases. Some days in November include brilliant blue skies and crisp, intense sunshine. The contrast and fluctuations in weather and life created the unpredictable pressures that defined Claire’s existence. She stressed when Tony was good because she knew it may not last. She worried when he was bad because she knew how bad he could be.
During a private girls’ lunch, Courtney approached the subject again. Since the completion of the silent auction, the frequency of their lunch dates had decreased. Claire desperately missed them. Therefore, following Simon’s memorial, she was elated to receive another invitation accompanied by Tony’s eagerness for her to accept. He said, “I think you need some fun.” She couldn’t have agreed more.
They spent the afternoon in Bettendorf eating, shopping, walking, and talking. Courtney knew about Simon. She knew an old friend of Claire’s had approached her at one of Tony’s speaking events and that Tony wasn’t pleased. She didn’t know the entire story. She also knew about Simon’s sudden death and Tony’s remarkable support. Courtney made Claire laugh, and that was monumental for Claire’s precarious mental health.
Courtney talked about the impending holidays. She expectantly waited for her children to return home from their points of interest and settle in for holiday celebrations. Claire liked the Simmons children, who weren’t really children. They were in their twenties—one still in graduate school, the other beginning a career as an investment banker in St. Louis. Neither married, but their son Caleb had a steady girlfriend. Courtney liked her and hoped that Caleb would pop the question soon. She and Brent wanted to be grandparents. It seemed strange that Claire was only two years older than Caleb, and Courtney was her best friend.
Another exciting topic for Courtney was her impending trip. Tony finally recognized Brent’s hard work and awarded him a substantial Christmas bonus. He told Brent before the holidays so that Brent could plan some nice surprise for Courtney. Brent didn’t want to risk Courtney’s disapproval, so he included her in the planning from the beginning. They were going to Fiji, similar to Tony and Claire’s honeymoon. Refusing to miss Christmas with their children, they wouldn’t go until after the first of the year. Courtney asked Claire lots of questions. Her excitement was contagious. Claire told Courtney everything she could remember. Mostly the destination equaled paradise and don’t worry about packing too many clothes, they didn’t seem to stay on in paradise.
Courtney understood Claire’s privacy issues. Most of their confidential discussions occurred while walking or driving. Claire couldn’t risk someone overhearing. “Honey, I’m really worried about you. I know losing a friend is hard, but it just seems like you have been going down since before Simon’s death.”
Claire didn’t even try to act fine. “I just don’t know. I feel empty and tired all the time.”
“If there is anything I can do for you,” she squeezed Claire’s hand, “I’ll do it.”
“I think afternoons like this are the best medicine.” Courtney agreed laughter would help. So they laughed. They walked in shops, read funny cards and plaques, and had fun.
When Claire returned that night she felt lighter. She tried with all her might to continue the feeling into her home and her suite. The fact that Tony tried to help wasn’t lost on Claire. He immediately showed her an e-mail from Emily, volunteering, “She wants you to call early before John gets home. I think you should call before dinner.”
They went to Tony’s office and Claire tried again. She’d been trying to reach her for almost two weeks, since the first of November. This time Emily answered on the first ring. “Hello?”
Talking on the speaker phone, “Hi, Emily, it is Claire. We’ve been worried. Is everythin
g all right?”
“I don’t think so. I asked you to call early so I could talk without John here.”
“I was out with Courtney today. I called as soon as I got your e-mail.” That was all true.
“He isn’t home yet. Is Anthony there?”
Claire hesitated, should she lie or be truthful? “He is. Do you want to talk to him?”
“I don’t know, maybe he can help.” Tony looked at Claire and raised his eyebrows in question.
“I could put you on speaker phone so he can hear too.” Emily said that would be a good idea. Tony pushed a button to create an audible change, and said hello. Emily said hello. They could hear her voice crack. Claire asked her sister, “Emily, what’s wrong?”
“You know the deadline for partnership decisions was the first?” Claire said she did, Tony acknowledged her audibly too. “Well, it has been extended.”
Claire broke in, always the optimist, “So that isn’t necessarily bad, they’re still undecided.”
“But now the auditor, the person verifying all the accounting information, is questioning John, a lot. John has been asked to verify everything. He is rummaging through old records and spending hour after hour documenting and authenticating his previous work.” Claire and Tony were engaged in concerned eye contact.
Tony responded first. “Emily, I am sure it is some kind of formality. John works for a very prestigious firm, they just want every T crossed and every I dotted.”
“Anthony, I hope you’re right.” They could hear her sniffles. “He pretends to be unconcerned, but I can tell that isn’t the case.”
“He is probably sick of the controlling procedure and stress.” Claire could relate, trying to rationalize and validate every move you make can become tiresome.
“I believe he is offended. Claire, you know John. He would never do anything that wasn’t completely honest and honorable.” She debated about adding to John’s fan club.
Tony responded first. “We did our research prior to offering him a job. I know he is one of the most honest and honorable attorneys anywhere.” Claire scanned her husband’s expression. She only saw sincerity.
“I second that, Em. It will be okay. Let them scrutinize John’s records, there’s nothing dishonest or deceitful to discover.”
“Thank you, really, both of you. John didn’t want me telling you. That’s why I haven’t answered your calls, but I really wanted you to know.”
Claire felt her internal time clock ticking. “Emily, please keep us posted—”
Tony interrupted. “If I can be of any assistance? Perhaps we can get together for Thanksgiving again this year.” Claire watched her husband with astonishment as he spoke. “We could meet in NYC or maybe closer to Troy if it would be easier for you.”
Emily thanked them both. She would think about Thanksgiving. She appreciated Anthony’s offer of help, it was nice to just talk with them. “I promise to keep you updated. I better go in case John gets home soon. Thank you.” They hung up.
Claire had been upset with Tony for almost two months. She despised him for his reaction in Chicago. His behavior that night repulsed her. She detested the way he treated her in California. On some level she even loathed the fact that Simon idolized him. Yet he had tried on numerous occasions to make amends. Only superficially had she accepted his pleas. Those shallow recognitions were mainly a form of self-preservation, a ploy to pacify him. But at that moment, as he disconnected the line, she overwhelmingly appreciated and cherished her husband. The realization almost immobilized her. Every ounce of her being had been opposed to him, similar to like ends of magnets. Her self-therapy suddenly realized that all of her energy had been consumed continually fighting the repulsion and forcing herself to be near him. No wonder she was so drained. But as he hung up the phone, her magnet flipped; suddenly, instead of repulsion she felt attraction. The relief engulfed her, her mask evaporated, and her expression became sincere. “Thank you, Tony.” She went to him and hugged him.
He recognized the difference in her touch. Looking down into her green eyes, he said, “I need to keep working.” She didn’t understand, thinking he was saying he had work to do. She pulled away to let him have his office. He gently pulled her back into his embrace. She looked up into his chocolate eyes. “No, Claire, I need to keep working to be a man you are proud to be married to.” She buried her face in his chest. There would be mascara on his very expensive suit. He lifted her chin. “I need to work to be the man Mrs. Johnson thinks I am.”
Later that night they laughed, cuddled, and talked. Their interaction hadn’t been playful for months. Claire was giddy from the release of tension and stress. For the first time in ages her head didn’t pound. She wasn’t worried about John, he was exceedingly honest. Everything would resolve itself there. The looming question had been here. Unexpectedly she believed it too had been resolved. Realistically the resolution wouldn’t be permanent, but she would enjoy the reprieve.
Emily e-mailed them the following week to decline Tony’s Thanksgiving invitation. She sincerely appreciated his offer but John barely took time to eat. He worked continually to rectify the inquiry.
Tony saw Claire’s disappointment and offered a trip anywhere for the holiday. Claire decided she would rather stay home and celebrate an old-fashioned Thanksgiving together. She wanted to cook him a traditional Thanksgiving dinner. He looked concerned but agreed as long as she would allow him to plan a getaway for their anniversary and Christmas. She agreed.
Giving the entire staff the day off, they lived through Thanksgiving dinner and even survived the carbohydrate overdose. Claire cooked turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, yams, yeast rolls, pumpkin pie, and vegetables. Tony obligingly ate some of everything, saying he liked it all. However, the exorbitant amount of calories contained within the meal far exceeded their usual diet. They both feared they may explode before the pumpkin pie with whipped cream was served.
Although she enjoyed cooking, Claire forgot how much she disliked cleaning. Tony encouraged her to leave it. The staff would take care of it the next day. Somewhere in the recesses of her mind she could hear her mother and grandmother, leaving it for someone else was unacceptable. She told Tony to watch football and she would take care of it.
To Claire’s surprise, Mr. Anthony Rawlings joined his wife in their kitchen and scrubbed pans, counters, and stove tops. Watching him, Claire decided he was even sexier washing dishes than he was in blue jeans.
After Thanksgiving the house burst with Christmas decorations. Catherine told Claire that prior to her presence there hadn’t been any decorations. She found that hard to believe. She didn’t ask for them, but did enjoy them. It wasn’t as extreme as it had been for the wedding, but it was festive. They entertained friends and some of Tony’s business associates. Claire was happy to open the house for others to see its merry charm.
On the Saturday before their anniversary they boarded Tony’s plane and flew west. This time Hawaii was their destination. On their trip to Fiji Tony promised Claire the opportunity to enjoy the Hawaiian Islands. They had ten days. Reminiscent of their honeymoon, they stopped in Los Angeles to refuel and continued another six hours to the island of Oahu, landing in Honolulu.
The difference with this trip was that Claire knew her journey’s end. She understood that when they landed in Honolulu they needed to board an inter-island flight to take them to the island of Lanai. It was a romantic getaway, not as secluded as their private island in Fiji but an island paradise nonetheless. Tony had asked her what she wanted and she had said sunshine and warmth. He delivered. She hadn’t told him she wanted to go alone, but Lanai was as secluded as you could get, and she was happy to have her husband with her.
This time they had a suite in a resort. An exquisitely spectacular suite complete with panoramic views of the Pacific Ocean. Claire’s favorite amenity was the large private lanai. It included a daybed, dining table for two, and lounge chairs. Tony explained that they would have the suite for the e
ntire stay but they would also spend a few nights on other islands. Tony now understood that Claire enjoyed sightseeing, so he planned excursions for Kauai, Oahu, and the Big Island.
Kauai’s spectacular cliffs, canyons, rainforests, and picturesque beaches took them two days and one night of exploration. Claire treasured being on Lumahai Beach, the place where “South Pacific” was filmed. In her mind she could see Mary Martin singing. Tony arranged private sea tours. They saw spinner dolphins, monk seals, green sea turtles, as well as natural wonders, the Na Pai Coast, open ceiling cave, and Honopu Valley Arch.
The day they spent on Oahu, they arrived early on an inter-island plane, rented a car, and Tony drove them around the island. They reverently visited Pearl Harbor, walking hand in hand and reading plaques and names. Tony drove them up Pali Highway through trees and dense forest vegetation until the city below disappeared and they found themselves in the clouds. It was Nuuanu Pali Outlook. They could see the Koolau Cliffs, amazingly lush coastline, and mountain peaks all from the stone terrace one thousand feet above the Oahu coast. The view was spectacular.
That evening they returned to Lanai for more private and sensual explorations. Neither of them moved fast or needy. Instead, they both were thorough, sensual, and loving. The sea breeze and sound of the surf provided the ultimate aphrodisiac, and their lovemaking went on and on.
On the Big Island they enjoyed a two-hour helicopter tour of Volcano Park. This was a first-time experience for both of them, and they found the process of creation and destruction thrilling. Claire couldn’t help remembering the volcano on Mount Etna in Sicily, also active. In one year she witnessed two active volcanoes erupting violently, yet without peril. Something told her she was pushing her luck.
The pilot explained to them that Pele, the Volcano goddess who lives in the volcano, is very unpredictable. It could continue to erupt for another one hundred years or it could quit tomorrow. Claire nodded her head, she understood unpredictability.