By January of 1996, Phil had a decision: would he bury his grandmother’s ashes there in California, or send her remains to Ohio? Or would he unearth Stan, Jo-Jo, and Daniel’s caskets, hauling that trio west? Helen rested in an urn, but not at Phil’s house. Her ashes resided at Julia’s, after being left in Berkeley, causing Julia great consternation. In the middle of a pouring rain, Julia had driven across the Bay Bridge, retrieving Helen Reese’s remains, setting them atop a bookshelf in Julia’s apartment. But Abraham seemed to tumble into that shelf often, whether he was playing alone or if JJ was visiting, spurring Phil to decide what, if anything, to do with all of his dead relatives.
They spoke of this at Julia’s, where it was easier for Phil to reflect upon his eastern roots. While Abraham and JJ ran amuck, Phil, Crystal, Julia, and Ray drank Pepsi, juice, wine, and beer while Crystal breast-fed five-month-old Ingrid Helen Gideon. The baby had kept Helen alive for longer than her doctor had predicted, but Helen hadn’t chosen to die in her small Berkeley house. In November, she died at a hospice, held in Julia’s arms while Phil bounced JJ on his knee. Crystal had cuddled Ingrid while Liz and Diane held Carl and Flynn close. Ray toted Abraham, and Lee and Chuck sat in chairs, Adam and Wayne near their partners and sons. Two days later all but Helen met at Julia’s for Thanksgiving, but now a smaller group, with only a few children about, wrestled with what to do about Phil’s grandmother.
Abraham and JJ made a racket, although the petite girl seemed to generate more noise. Julia still thought Abraham was worth at least two JJ’s in size, but in speech JJ was quicker, always telling Abe what to do. JJ called him Abe, which was starting to catch on with the adults, but Julia preferred Abraham. She called him that and he called her Poppy to her slight chagrin and everyone else’s delight. Poppy had been picked up by JJ, who alternated that with Aunt Julia. Even Phil used Poppy, especially when leaving Julia messages. They hadn’t seen each other much since Helen’s death; Phil was rehearsing his next album and Julia was writing. Except during the recent holidays, plenty of messages had been left, and Julia noticed more often than not, Phil was leaving them for Poppy.
“So, what are you gonna do?” she asked Phil while staring at Ingrid, who was busy nursing. Julia was fine being Poppy, but the charm with which Crystal breast-fed tugged at Julia’s heart.
“I don’t know.” Phil looked past Julia. “JJ, what are you doing?”
“Daddy, Abe!” she shouted.
“Abraham…” Ray stood, then collected his son from where Abraham wouldn’t let JJ into the plastic garden.
“She couldn’t move him if she tried,” Crystal laughed. She adjusted Ingrid, then sighed. “She might outtalk him, but she’ll never get him to budge.”
“I can barely move him,” Ray said, carrying his son who protested. Ray sat with Abraham on his lap, but the boy leaned toward Julia, and she lifted him, setting him on one leg. Then she put him on two.
Then Julia leaned into Ray, unable to help herself. Little by little he had moved back into her apartment, after Helen’s news and Ingrid’s birth. Then Ray came home permanently after Julia showed Phil his grandmother’s drawings. She hadn’t told him about Jo-Jo’s suicide attempt, wasn’t sure if she ever would. Stan’s murder was just starting to settle with Phil, no need to introduce additional trauma.
Julia sighed as a little boy snuggled against her, a larger man’s arms around her. She hadn’t wanted to fall in love again, but it was moot with Abraham, and with Ray… With Ray, Julia was just as helpless, but differently. With Abe, as she thought of him hearing JJ calling for her partner, Julia had not a single shred of recourse. When he left them to stay with his mother, Julia was gutted, then she would swallow that pain, as if holding her breath. With Ray, she felt little agony with his absence, some with his presence. When Ray went to work, leaving her alone, Julia missed Abe, and when Ray came home, she still missed Abe. Yet with Ray at her back, Abe shielding her front, Julia knew peace. She looked at Phil and smiled. “What are you staring at?”
“Just a happy Poppy. You look like you could walk on water.”
“Fuck you Phil,” she mouthed.
Crystal giggled. “Now, now children. Who needs a nap?”
“Abe needs a nap,” JJ said, coming their way.
He shook his head, not moving from Julia’s grasp.
Julia closed her eyes, not wishing to see Phil gloating or to watch Crystal and Ingrid. Julia had never desired her own baby, but the weight of Abe against her chest and the sound of Ingrid sucking away haunted her. “So what are we gonna do with Grandma?” she said.
“Oh God,” Phil sighed. He picked up JJ, and Julia peeked. That girl’s eyes were drooping, Abe’s sleepy demeanor like a virus. Julia wished to nod off, not think about Helen or anything else.
“I think we should just let her live in San Francisco. She liked going down to San Jose, seeing the boys, being driven all over the place. She was in Berkeley for a good while, now she can stay here for a bit.”
“Crystal…” Phil said.
“No, I mean it. Just not on Julia’s bookshelf is all.”
Ray chuckled, then stood, walking to that piece of furniture. He wobbled it, then took the urn from the top. “It needs a better place, and not just due to the kids.”
“You mean Abe,” Phil smiled.
“Earthquakes too,” Ray nodded.
“Abe’s like an earthquake,” Crystal giggled.
“He’s like three,” Phil said. “Listen, is she asleep?”
Julia peeked. “Dead to the world. Oh God, sorry.”
They all laughed. “No, she is. I’d like to be, I think Piglet here is too.” Crystal eased Ingrid from her breast. “Listen, as for the rest…”
“They should just stay there.” Phil stood, setting his daughter over his shoulder. He walked around the room, moving scattered toys with his foot. “Let’s just deal with one ghost for the time being.”
Julia looked at Crystal, who nodded.
“Hey Julia, just wanted to thank you and Ray and Abe for the nice orange juice.” A hushed giggle. “Listen, Phil’s asleep, but I also wanted to thank you for keeping Helen. I don’t know what he wants to do about the rest of them, but I know he wants her here, and not in some crypt. If you and Ray are willing, I mean, that’d be great. And I guess we’ll just see how it goes. Oh, gotta go, my boobs tell me a little girl’s awake.” Small tears and footsteps emerged. “Oh thanks honey, just talking to Julia. Okay, well, yeah. So again, thanks Poppy, and, uh, I’ll call you later. Bye!”
“Hey Poppy, just me. I’m over at Grandma’s. Gotta figure out what to do with this place. Glad I kept the phone here, Crystal wouldn’t let me come over unless she could call and tell me to get my ass home.” Small laughter. “So Poppy, I was thinking. I know you’re not getting much work done over there, Grandma’s probably pestering you, I’m sure that’s it. Julia, I don’t wanna sell this place. And it’s not why you think. Actually, shit. I don’t know what you’re thinking, but then I have no idea what in the hell I’m thinking either. You know what I’m thinking? I’m thinking that except for you and Crystal and our kids, all of my family’s dead. Half of ’em have been dead since I was twelve, but now all of ’em are dead, and Julia, I don’t know if I want them here. I mean, I never visited them when I went back to Columbus, what’s the point of dragging them across the country? Maybe Grandma will be the stand-in for everyone. Julia, can I be honest with you?” A long chuckle. “Shit, if I can’t be honest with you, who else is there? I need space from Dad, from all that. I heard from Axl a few days back, you believe it? Wanted to know if I wanted to get together, you know, said he was coming up here, just for a few days, said they were pretty messed up down there, they of course is everyone but him, what bullshit. They’re all fucked up, but you know what Poppy? I am too. I mean, not with Crystal or the girls. God, they and you are all that’s keeping me sane, you realize that Julia? All my adult life it’s been women, well, all I remember is women fucking me over then setti
ng me right. But since Crystal, you and her and JJ and Ingrid; Crystal’s already talking about one more, and that’s fine, I want three kids. Three girls. I don’t want any sons. Not like it’s my choice but… Click
“Thanks Penn, thanks a lot. No, I’m kidding. Probably time for me to get off the phone. I came over here today to do some writing. Actually Crystal kicked me out, said they were all gonna nap, didn’t want me waking everyone up. Hey Penn, Poppy, Julia Rose; hey you know what? I love you. I haven’t told you that in a while, but I do, don’t know what I’d do without you. Okay, I really need to get my act together. It’s just that sometimes, when I come over here, just me, I think about being here after Sunshine, you know, after her, before Crystal, God what shitty days. But there’s always been you. Then I go looking in the spare bedroom for your box, even though I know it’s not here anymore.” Laughter. “God, that still sounds obscene. Julia, I don’t wanna fuck you, I haven’t wanted that in a long time. But I’d like to go through your box again.” Giggles erupted. “Okay, shit! Poppy, I’ll talk to you later.”
“Knock knock,” Julia said, unlocking the front door.
Phil stood from the sofa. “Hey, how are you?”
Their embrace was lengthy, then Julia plopped onto the couch, Phil next to her. “Fine. Just running errands, went and saw the folks. Stopped by your place, Crystal said you were here.”
Phil noted the bag she had set down as soon as she stepped inside. “Yeah, just messing around. I’ve got recording time set for next week, gotta get my shit together before I just blow it all.”
She nodded, then sniffled.
“Penn, what is it?”
“I, uh, brought you something.” She stood, collecting the bag. Reaching in, she took out the cigar box, placing it on what had been Helen’s coffee table.
Phil stared at Julia’s keepsake box. Then he smiled. “Oh Poppy!”
“I want you to keep it here. I mean, I’ve got custody of Helen so…”
“Julia, shit! Are you sure?”
“Better for the kids to knock Grandma onto the floor than get into this. This’s pretty, uh, well…”
Phil gripped her hands. “Why?”
Julia stood, then walked to the sliding glass door. Spring had arrived, but the day was gray and cool, and she kept her back to Phil. “I love you, you know.”
“I love you too. Julia, what?”
“Maybe that’s why I haven’t been able to write.” She faced him. “Ray’s been saying that to me for years, that I needed to get rid of that thing. When it lived here with you, I did get some work done.” She laughed. “Not a lot, but some.”
Phil joined her, taking her in his arms. She felt shaky and depleted. “Baby, what’s wrong?”
“Ray said Aurora’s asked him for another child. She wants Abe to have a little brother or sister. Personally,” Julia sniffed, “I think she’s jealous of JJ. Abe talks about her all the time, that’s what Ray says, when he’s over there visiting. And when Abe comes to our house, he’s always wanting to know when JJ and Ingrid are gonna come over.”
“What in the hell does Aurora expect, Ray as her beck and call fertility service?”
“He wants another kid, I know he does and…”
“And you’re scared to death.”
She nodded.
“Do you wanna have a baby Julia?”
“I wanna write a novel, I know that. And I, I…” She looked back at the bay. “I don’t want him to not have that, I mean, he sees you, just you.” She wiped her face. “Liz and Diane told me, separately, neither of them wants another. Mom’s not gonna be thrilled.” Julia turned to Phil. “But I guess she can just console herself with you and Super-Mama.”
Phil chuckled. “One more, that’s all Lee’s getting outta us.”
“Phil, I wish it was simple. I wish…” She looked at the coffee table. “Remember when it was just you and me and I hated Arthur and Claire and you thought your dad had just lost his mind for those few minutes. We used to go visit Daniel and Helen, or Chuck and Lee, our lives were so small, so contained.”
“So fucked over,” Phil added. “You’re forgetting Sunshine and Axl and…”
She smiled. “No, I just didn’t wanna include them.”
“That’s convenient Poppy.”
“I used to be Julia.”
“You’ll always be Julia. Do you wanna be something more?”
She trembled, and Phil hugged her. “I don’t want Ray and Aurora to have another baby, I can tell you that.”
“Can you tell him that?”
“Yeah, but I don’t know if he’ll listen.”
Phil sensed her desires; Julia wished to have Ray’s baby but not, write her novel but not. Keep the box in her house but not, and that was the easiest issue she could deal with, if Phil played along. “Julia, if I asked to be the guarder of your cigar box…”
“The guarder, oh that sounds ridiculous. You’d be the keeper Phil.”
“Okay, the keeper of your…” He started to laugh. “God, that really does sound creepy.”
“Oh Phil, guard my box, please?”
“You’re a sicko Penn.”
“All the more reason I should never have kids.”
She stepped away, going into the kitchen, opening the fridge. “What, no Pepsis?”
“I’m trying to quit.”
She laughed. “God, now I know the end times are here. Why’d you quit?”
“I, uh, had to get a cavity filled.”
She stared at him, then burst into giggles. “You had to get a cavity filled, oh that’s rich Gideon. One little cavity and…”
“I’m thirty-six you know. Can’t keep sucking back soda all my life.”
“Thirty-six, shit Phil! Thanks for reminding me.”
“We’re both on the downhill side to forty Poppy. Can’t do a thing to change it.”
She drank some water, offering him a glass. He shook his head.
“What, they don’t fluoridate the water on this street?” she smiled.
“Julia, would Ray do it, I mean…”
“Not if I said no.”
“No to what?”
“No to him and Aurora. I mean, if I came out and told him not to…”
“But if you said yes to your own little Winston?”
She looked to the floor. “You ever clean in here Gideon? Man, this floor’s a mess!”
“Kids never come over, no point.”
“No point? What would Grandma say?”
“Oh, she’d probably shake her finger at me. Or at you. You could do it.”
“Not my house. I don’t even clean my own place Phil.”
“Yeah I know. Ray does a great job.”
Julia sniffed. “You’ve been no help whatsoever. Just wasting my time Gideon, like usual.”
He said nothing, then both stared at the box.
“So, I’ll keep that here?” Phil offered.
“Yeah, uh, thanks. That’d be great.”
“I’ll put it with Dad’s stuff in the spare room.”
Julia nodded. Nothing of Helen’s waited there. Her pictures, along with her ashes, were in San Francisco.
Julia finished her water, then set the glass in the sink. “Well, okay, thanks Phil. At least one thing in my life’s arranged.” She gathered the empty bag, then her purse, heading for the door.
Phil caught her arm just as she went to leave. “Julia, do you wanna have a baby?”
She bit her lip. “I don’t wanna screw up a baby.”
“We’ll help, lots of help Julia.”
“What would Abe think? I mean, he’d call me Poppy and a baby would call me Mommy and…”
“And so what? You can be whoever you want, you’re thirty-six years old.” He stroked her face. “You’re a big girl now, it’s okay.”
“But Arthur and Claire, oh Phil, they’d just, oh God!”
“Screw Arthur and Claire. What are they now, a hundred and ten?”
She giggled. “They jus
t had their birthdays in January. He turned eighty-nine and she’s right behind him. Shit Phil, they’re gonna live forever.”
“They’re not, you know. And neither are you.”
“I know.”
“Julia, if you have a baby, you can put off the novel.”
“Is that a dare?”
“Think of it as a way to prolong the inevitable. You’re gonna write that book one of these days. Like me with this record,” he smiled. “Gonna make it eventually.”
“Next week, I think you said.”
“Whether I want to or not. Crystal’s gonna drag me into that studio kicking and screaming.”
“Nice to see you throwing a fit instead of JJ or Ingrid.”
“Yeah, one of us is always causing trouble.”
“Better you all than me.”
She went to leave, but Phil stopped her. “Is it Penn? I mean, maybe you need to make a little noise. You or…” He set a hand to the center of her body. “A little Poppy. Mama Poppy and Baby Poppy. You’ve done great as a daddy, now maybe it’s time to move down the road.”
“God, what would Ray say?” she laughed. “What would Aurora say! Oh she’d be pissed…”
“And your dad would be thrilled. He would and Lee, oh my God! They wouldn’t know what to say.”
“Stop this Phil.”
“Stop what Julia?”
“Stop channeling, oh God, I dunno! My mother, all your dead relatives. Phil, shit. I gotta go.”
She stepped away, then looked back. Phil just grinned at her.
Chapter 14