“Hey Phil, how’s the record coming?”
“Hey Julia, how’s the…” Giggles turned to laughter. “How’s the writing going?”
“Hey Phil, I, uh, just wanted to tell you I’ve finished another chapter. Oh and some, uh, good news. Aurora just dropped Abe off, looked pretty green. Ray’s not been with her, I can also tell you that.”
“Hey Penn, just bumped into Ray. He said Aurora’s pregnant, but it’s not his. Said it with a pretty pleased face. Anyone else I gotta wonder about?”
“Hey Phil, Crystal. How you all doing? I, uh, finished another chapter. That’s two in the last month. I know, I know, Armageddon is upon us. So, Ray and I want you guys to come over for dinner. Aurora’s pretty sick these days, we’ve had Abe all week. Weird that with him here, I get a lot done. Shut up Phil, I don’t wanna hear it!”
“Hey Julia, Ray, it’s Crystal. We’d love to come for dinner. I’ll bring the breast milk.”
“Hey Phil, I called you at Grandma’s because I didn’t want Crystal to hear this. If you could erase this afterwards, I’d appreciate it. Phil, I’m pregnant. It just, uh, happened. But now I’m not sure. Ray doesn’t know, you’re the only one who does. Phil, I’m so scared. Claire called today, like I needed any more strum und drang. She wanted to know how you and the kids were, she rarely asks about Abe, which pisses me off, but today it was all I could do to just stay on the line. I took the test this morning, after Ray left. Phil, I don’t think I can do this, I don’t think I could set a baby into her hands, she doesn’t deserve it, neither of them do, and then I feel like I don’t, oh God Phil. Listen, we’ll see you guys tonight, but I wanted to tell you, I needed to tell someone. Just whatever you do, for God’s sake, don’t say anything. I mean, I’m not gonna get an abortion today, although I’ve considered it.” A nervous cough is followed by the clearing of a throat. “So, uh, yeah. I’ll see you later. Oh, and Phil? Bring the box, I need to see something in it. Bye.”
When the Gideons arrived, Crystal sat immediately, as Ingrid wanted to nurse. JJ ran around, looking for Abe. Ray explained that Abe was at his mommy’s house, but JJ was disbelieving, and for ten minutes she searched high and low. Then she cried for twenty minutes, but that wasn’t the main cause of dinner’s delay.
In Julia and Ray’s bedroom, Julia rummaged through her keepsake box. She set it on the floor, then wept in Phil’s grasp, both sitting on the edge of the bed. She apologized and ranted in the same breaths, furious with herself for letting down her guard, then irate at Claire. Then she worried about Phil. “You don’t hate me, do you?”
“I love you Julia. I could never hate you.”
She pulled Helen’s afghan over herself. “I just can’t do it, I cannot set a baby, my baby, into her arms.”
He stroked her face, then grabbed a tissue, wiping her cheeks. “I understand honey, I really do.”
“If Ray ever learns, that’s it for us. He’d never forgive me. Phil, do you forgive me?”
Phil gripped her hands. “Julia, there’s nothing to forgive.”
“Oh Phil, there’s everything. I should’ve known better, I shouldn’t have done it!”
“You okay in there?” Crystal called from outside the door.
“Yeah. Go ahead and feed JJ,” Phil replied.
“Ray can do it, I’m still feeding Piglet.”
Julia laughed. “You know what Phil?”
“What?”
“I used to, well, I’m still jealous of her, of that. That’s the only part I wish I could do, oh God, I am so fucked up!”
“Baby, it’s okay.”
“No it’s not, because if there was some way I could go ahead with this, but just never set foot in Florida, I might. But you know what? As soon as they knew, I’d never hear the end of it. I would never get to live my life again. And Phil, oh Christ, it’s not fair!”
She flung herself backwards onto the mattress and he lay beside her. “Baby, you’re absolutely right, it’s not fair that they’ve done this to you, but you’re also right. They’d never let you live without the biggest guilt trip unless you went there, and I know you couldn’t do that. Not to anyone’s baby.”
“It’s my baby Phil, I did this. Now all I want is to kill it. God, I’m no better than…”
“Julia, it’s totally different.”
They stared at each other. “Is it Phil? I wonder.”
“It is. Sunshine didn’t have any reason to do what she did, not really. Claire and Arthur are more reasons than anyone should have.”
“I just, it’s not even about me. Isn’t that the worst of it? All I can think about are them, God, like they are gonna live for fucking forever, never give me any peace. I can’t even have a baby without them screwing it up!”
Phil set his lips along the side of her face, but didn’t reach for her temples; that region had been off-limits with all but his wife and daughters since Hilary Jerrold’s visit. “Honey, I love you. I’ll go with you. You won’t have to do this alone.”
“Oh Phil!”
“You can stay at our house. I’ll tell Ray that the girls need their Auntie Julia for a day or two, however long you need.”
“Shit, Phil, I can’t ask that of you.”
“You don’t need to ask.”
She looked at him. “Are you sure that Crystal, I mean…”
“She’s a very open-minded freak.”
Julia nodded. “I don’t wanna offend her.”
“You won’t. She loves you.”
“She might not after this.”
“You’d be surprised.”
“Yeah?”
Phil kissed her cheek. “Yeah honey.”
A week later, Julia lounged in the sun on the Gideon’s deck. JJ napped in the house, but Crystal and Ingrid sat nearby, and Julia blinked as she stared into the sky.
“You need anything Julia?”
She wanted to say a hole in the head, but declined. “No, thanks though.”
Crystal set Ingrid over her shoulder and two large burps emerged. “God, but she’s loud.” Then the baby was placed on the other breast, and Julia noted the quiet between a mother and child. For five minutes Ingrid was placid, then she began to fuss.
“She okay?” Julia asked.
“Yeah, just getting a tooth. She might be noisy tonight.”
“Does that hurt, I mean…”
“Well, no fun cutting through gums.”
“No, I mean, for you.”
Crystal laughed. “So far it’s been okay. JJ was just starting to bite a little, then I got pregnant…”
“It’s okay. I mean, you can say that.”
“Julia, are you okay?”
The process had been straightforward, not painless, but not much more than a pap smear. Then Julia grimaced. It had been more than an annual appointment, and she was going to talk to Ray; she wanted a tubal ligation, or for him to have a vasectomy.
“Crystal, thank you for being so kind.”
“I love you Julia. I don’t blame you in the least.”
Blame was a funny word, but Julia felt it was appropriate. She had considered a baby, found herself with one, then changed her mind. Then as easily as it had been conceived, it was removed by a simple procedure, safe and legal. That Ray was in the dark was Julia’s main sliver of guilt, otherwise she felt no deep remorse. And Crystal didn’t blame her; what more could Julia want?
She wanted to have felt capable of having a child, but Arthur and Claire had made damned sure she’d never feel able to be more than a Poppy. She was still Abe’s Poppy, and something similar to JJ, Ingrid, Carl, and Flynn. But she would never set an infant to her aching breasts. Her boobs hurt, or maybe it was what lay underneath.
“Julia, I’m sorry. That was poorly worded.”
“No, it wasn’t. I did this, it’s my fault.”
“It’s Arthur and Claire’s fault. You never stood a chance.” Then Crystal cleared her throat. “I had one, when I was nineteen. Sometimes shit happens.”
“Really?” Julia sat up, seeing tears along Crystal’s face.
“I got pregnant on purpose, trying to keep a boyfriend. Then he broke up with me anyway, and there I was, what was I gonna do? I didn’t want it, I wanted him. Julia, that’s when I,” Crystal giggled, still crying. “That’s when I found Christ. I was gonna say that’s when I found Jesus, but that’s sounds so over the top. But it was. I was watching people on the bridge, thinking about jumping, because the idea of having an abortion to ease my own life seemed dreadful. Jeez, doesn’t that sound awful?”
“Crystal, I love you.” Julia moved from the chair, kneeling by Crystal and her baby. Ingrid sucked on her mother’s boob, and Julia stroked the baby’s face. This child had Crystal’s blue eyes and easy smile. “What happened?”
“I was standing there, just like Phil had been. That’s why I knew with him, because I’d done the same thing. I just stood there, weighing my options. It had nothing to do with my family. Mom and Dad wouldn’t have cared, not if I’d kept it or didn’t. Only that I realized how selfish I’d been, wanting him to want me, then getting pregnant so he’d have no choice. But guess what, he did have a choice.” Crystal leaned down, her short brown hair brushing over Ingrid’s small body.
“But I did too Julia, thank the lord. I stood there, looking at the water, and I heard a voice, I swear.” She laughed. “It told me to go take care of things. And for a minute I looked around, but no one was close, and then I felt it, right here.” She pointed to her heart. “I knew it was him, God.” She smiled. “Sounds funny to say that, like God just talks to anyone, anytime. But he does, he did, and he told me to take care of things. And Julia, I knew what he meant, and I about fell down right there. I had to grip the side of that railing like if I let go it would too and I’d fall right over.”
She sighed. “Phil did that, time after time, and I knew I loved him, and all I wanted was to go to him, but God told me to just wait. I had to wait for him, for those assholes too,” she whispered. “Sorry Ingie. But they were, then I could run to him. I told him I loved him right from the beginning. And I did, and I do, and now Julia, I have two children, two daughters. And if God wants, we’ll have another whenever Piglet here decides she can share.”
Crystal looked at Julia. “Honey, all the pro-lifers in the world can talk until they’re blue in the face, but I knew what he wanted. And you know what, it wasn’t what I wanted. I would’ve rather died than have an abortion, pride maybe? I dunno. But I walked away from the bridge, and the very next day I took care of it. I told Mom, she went with me, but she had to leave. She couldn’t take even the small pain I felt, waited for me out in the lobby.”
“That’s why she wasn’t with you during labor.”
Crystal nodded. “She can barely sit with me when I have a headache. Julia, who knows what my life would’ve been like if I’d had that child. Maybe I’d be sitting here, maybe not. Maybe Phil would be dead, maybe not. Maybe you’d be pregnant, maybe not. All I can tell you is that I love you, and you’ve done the best you could. We all make mistakes, and I use that word correctly. Me hoping to keep a guy by getting knocked up was awful. You wishing to make everyone happy wasn’t smart either. If Ray gets his panties in a bunch and does something stupid, well, you can’t do anything about that. Seems Aurora’s done it again, maybe you guys will end up with another baby.”
“Crystal, how can you be so, so, so…”
“Self-assured?”
Julia smiled, feeling a huge wave of peace. “Yeah. I mean, how in the hell can you be so blasé about it?”
“It’s not being blasé. It’s just not all about me.”
Julia laughed. “God, what a concept!”
Crystal gripped Julia’s hand. “Yup, it truly is.”
“Hey Phil, Crystal, just wanted to thank you guys for the, uh, hospitality. Ray thinks it did me a world of good, but I don’t even know how to react to that. Some, uh, news; Aurora’s asked Ray if we can take Abe full-time. She, uh, seems to be having second thoughts about, uh, motherhood. I don’t know all the details, I mean, I don’t know if the guy she’s with changed his mind. She’s due in September, and Ray’s been talking with her, telling her that if she has it, but doesn’t wanna keep it, that we’ll take it. I don’t even know what to make of all this. Makes me almost wanna tell him, but I think I’m just gonna keep my mouth shut. Crystal, thanks, uh, for sharing. Did you tell Phil what you told me? Uh, maybe I should just keep my mouth shut all the time. Okay, uh, bye.”
“Hey Penn, that’s pretty wild about Aurora. Crystal told me what happened on that first night, you know, that I didn’t jump. We couldn’t have sex so we spent all night talking.” A small chuckle.
“Not all night Phil,” Crystal shouted toward the phone. “Just ’cause I couldn’t have sex doesn’t mean you didn’t get something.”
Phil cleared his throat. “So anyways Julia, yeah, so, uh… Well, you never know what’s gonna happen next Penn. Just, uh, keep writing, okay? I’ll talk to you later, stop laughing Crystal!”
“Knock knock.”
“Come in.”
Julia opened the door, heard Phil’s guitar. He sat on the deck, and she set her purse on the sofa. “Hey, that sounds good. I thought you were at the studio today.”
“Later.” He stood, kissing her, the guitar between them. “Girls were all sleeping so I came over here for a little bit of practice. How are you?”
“Good, it’s getting warm.” Julia leaned over the railing, then looked at the bay. “Can’t believe JJ’s gonna be three next week.”
“Yeah, like a flood. Carl then Abe, Flynn, JJ. Ingie’s nearly walking.”
“The only time she’s not hooked to Crystal’s boobs.”
Phil laughed, taking the guitar from around his shoulder. Then he put his arms behind his head. “She likes it there, a good place to be.”
“Yeah, she takes after her daddy.”
“In some ways. Looks more like Crystal every day I think.”
Julia smiled, turning his way. “One like you, one like her. What about the next huh?”
“Oh, if Ingie has her way, I don’t think there’s gonna be another for a while.”
Julia sat beside him. “Aurora came over this morning, told us she wants us to raise the baby.”
“Yeah?”
Julia nodded. “Phil, she’s, uh, weird.” Julia laughed. “God, that’s not very descriptive. Pretty indicative of the sort of writer I am, as in not very much of one.”
“We’re just late bloomers Penn. That’s what I’ve decided.”
She nodded. “She said she wants this baby and Abe to be raised as siblings. Phil, why are people so bizarre? Or is it us; are we destined to attract those that for whatever reason just lose some or most of their minds?”
He laughed. “Maybe. I mean, when I think about how Crystal and I met…”
She looked toward the bay, then at Phil. “I didn’t mean your wife.”
“Julia, what?”
She stood, then stared at the horizon. “I’ve been thinking about my parents.” Julia looked back in Phil’s direction, but didn’t meet his eyes. “Chuck and Laura.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Been thinking about how they met, you know, he was giving her a traffic ticket. Just this innocuous meeting, he was this new cop, and she was already writing. Claire and Arthur never liked him you know.”
Julia again faced west. “They thought he was so beneath her, and in a way he was, intellectually. Shit, Lee’s smarter than my dad.”
“Julia?”
“I’ve been thinking about Stan too, about Stan and Larry, now Aurora and some baby she thought she had to have, sort of like me, like Laura. Dad said something about it the last time I was over there. Ray was telling them that we might get custody of Aurora’s baby, God, sounds like a fucking soap opera. Lee was happy, you know, another grandchild.” Julia smiled. “Liz and Diane told them they’re not having any more kids. No pressure Phil, no pressure.”
&nb
sp; “Ha ha.”
Julia nodded. “Then out of the blue Dad said that Laura wasn’t keen on having kids, I mean, she was in her late twenties when I came along, and they’d been together a while. He implied,” Julia groaned, “that I was his idea. Can you believe that?”
“Sure.”
She stared at him. “What?”
“Your dad loves you. He’s just a crusty old cop who can’t breathe right anymore. Grandma used to tell me she was surprised he was still around.”
“He’s been in bad shape for a long time. Wouldn’t it piss off Arthur and Claire if he outlived them?”
“Yeah, if they could be aware.”
“Yeah, like if they knew they were dying, but Chuck Penn just kept on ticking.”
“Something like that.”
They said nothing, then Julia took her seat. “Phil, when Dad was saying this, it was just a few little sentences, I mean, he barely says squat when we go over there, only bitching at the television. But we were sitting in the kitchen, and Abe was playing with the cord on Dad’s tank, you know, just running his hands along it, not trying to mess it up, and I swear Phil, I was just waiting for Dad to scold him, but Ray told him to stop it. Dad just took Abe’s hand, you know, really gently, and set it on the table. I’ve never seen my dad so, so…”
“Tender.”
“Yeah, not with any of us girls, I mean, he’s good with Carl and Flynn and your kids, but with Abe, it was something different.”
“He’s yours Julia. He sees Abe as yours and you’re special to Chuck, you really are.”
She poked at the guitar, then held it like she could play. “Phil, it was weird. I’m still glad I had the abortion, but a part of me thinks, what would he have done if I ever did put a grandkid in his arms, hell, just in his reach?”
“You did, Abe’s your kid Poppy.”
“You think?”
“Of course. And you’ve got another coming. Julia, life is weird. We’re all weird. Can’t get away from it.”
“Especially here in California,” she smiled.
“Oh now Penn.” Phil took the guitar, then motioned for her. Julia leaned Phil’s way, then began to cry. “Oh honey, especially here in California. All the best ones are in the Golden State.” Phil rocked her slowly. “Those assholes are getting their UV cancer rays in Florida. But here on the West Coast, the best are doing their thing, one day at a time.”
Chapter 15