food was bad
It should be eaten raw
And grown at home organically
Not purchased from a store
So now I’m down to water
Which I boil first, of course
I’m still not feeling well at all
In fact, I’m feeling worse
Dreams of Lamingtons
In recent years I’ve daydreamed
Of those childhood party treats
Lamingtons stuffed full of cream
The first and best to eat
Those culinary masterpieces
Floated past my lips
Alas, today their legacy
Remains upon my hips
Dreaming
Each night I'd eagerly approach my bed
Where down night's paths of mystery I travelled
With daylight duties banished from my head
Enabling my mind to soar untrammeled
My visions flowered in bright and varied hue
And fancies over castle spires took flight
As daylight dimmed and silver shadows grew
I gloried in the wonderland of night
But now, alas, with pain, my body lies
The gates to that great kingdom bolted hard
Though, weeping, I may plead for paradise
From halcyon enchantment I am barred
Wretched and bereft I lie forlorn
To ride the roving nightmare till the dawn
Duplicity
What doctors say
And what they think may
Not always be similar so
I have written a guide
So you can decide
What he really means, next time you go
Well what have we here?
He has no idea
He hopes that you'll give him a clue
I'll see you again
But I cannot say when
He's off to a golf game at two
I'll send you for tests
In the meantime please rest
He's using a well thought out plan
He owns shares in the lab
And he's eager to grab
As much of your cash as he can
There is good news and bad
Now please don't be sad
You listen to him in dismay
He wants a new Rolls
And while he's in control
You are the one who will pay
I think you should go
To a colleague I know
He does well with your sort of case
He hasn't a prayer
Of what's happening here
And he'll split half the fees with his mate
There is a new drug
Which will combat that bug
You're going to be part of a trial
The company pays
Him big bucks and they may
Need you on it for quite a long while
Your condition is rare
Take a seat over there
While I look up my medical texts
He needs to spend ages
Consulting the pages
He finds Woman's Weekly the best
This may hurt a bit
He would never submit
To something that causes such pain
We'll just trust to luck
That this clears it up
You're unlikely to go back again
The best thing for your case
Is to wait several days
Or better still, give it a week
He just doesn't know
And he hopes it will go
So he won't have to face a defeat
If those symptoms persist
I'd better insist
You book an appointment to come
That way you'll see
A young locum as he
Will be off for a cruise in the sun
Encore
I opened up a letter that the hospital had sent me
Requesting that I please return the crutches they had lent me
Now my leg was mended and no longer gave me pain
I thought I'd do the decent thing and take them back again
I drove off after work one day before it was too dark
Arriving at the hospital I couldn't find a park
I drove round several streets before I spied a likely spot
And with the crutches tightly clutched I set off at a trot
I climbed a staircase set beside a steep and towering hill
Panting I approached reception at the hospital
You need to go to Physio – they sent me on my way
Down corridors with squeaky floors and walls soft-painted grey
I walked past Pediatrics and I trudged on past Day Stay
I struggled up more stairs and on past CT and X Ray
I panted through another wing past Wards 1, 2 and 3
I gasped and lugged the crutches on beside Endoscopy
I reached the Physio Department clutching at my chest
Thankful that my pounding heart could have a well-earned rest
The nurses frowned and told me that I had to go to Stores
I sighed and picked the crutches up and climbed another floor
I soon found that I had to go to quite another place
Inside a separate building, on I plodded, red in face
Drenched in perspiration with relief I reached the door
And placed the crutches safely in a stack upon the floor
The night was dark and rain was falling as I turned to go
I tripped upon the step then hit the concrete path below
A passing gentleman escorted me to A and E
I waited there with bruised and swollen ankle, leg and knee
They X-rayed me then told me as I wiped away a tear
We'll put you in a cast and issue you with crutches dear
Fitness
The hospital administrator raised a warning hand
I'm looking at the annual health review
Our staff all fall below the recommended levels and
I've decided that quite frankly, it won't do
In fitness we're the ones who should be seen to lead the way
Inspiring all to follow in our path
I am planning a compulsory event for Saturday
A 4 K running race for all the staff
The receptionists were horrified but quickly made a plan
As they gathered in the canteen for a snack
The doctors and the nurses must all do the best they can
But we will act as stewards on the track
The morning of the race was fine and there was quite a crowd
As everybody lined up at the start
As they began the cardiologist moaned out aloud
With angina and a palpitating heart
The orthopedic surgeon had such trouble with his knees
That he limped off to stand groaning at the side
The specialist in allergies then gave a mighty sneeze
And flagged a passing taxi for a ride
The gastroenterologist took several steps then he
Trotted off clutching his belly in alarm
The radiologist skipped past then came catastrophe
As she tripped and broke her ankle and her arm
The ENT contingent puffed and panted as they ran
The years of cigarettes closed up their chests
Although to win they all were most determined to a man
They only managed half a dozen steps
The tall and handsome, slim young gynecologist was next
He knew the odds on him were rather high
He withdrew with the excuse that he was shagged from too much sex
The dietician sneered and wobbled by
The diabetes specialist gulped down a fizzy drink
With a candy bar to give a burst of speed
Then his sugar levels dropped and his head began to sink
>
As the orderlies jogged past into the lead
They were muscled, strong and fit and they thought they stood a chance
From hours of pushing trolleys, chairs and beds
But they misread their directions so without a backward glance
They shrugged and made off for the pub instead
The pediatrician found the going far too fast so he
Threw a tantrum and stamped off to stand and frown
The surgeon, who was keen to make his mark initially
Got the stitch and went with Matron to lie down
The neurologist decided he would use an old technique
Of sledging his opponents with a grin
He gave up with a migraine and neuralgia in his cheek
When he saw it was unlikely he would win
The anaesthetist passed out when he ran right out of gas
The obstetrician fell back to the rear
The dermatologist developed quite a nasty rash
The nephrologist went home to have a beer
The numbers thinned as one by one the staff kept dropping off
The ophthalmologist just couldn't see
The otalaryngologist developed quite a cough
The urologist stopped off to have a pee
A collision gave the hematologist a bloody nose
While the oral surgeon held his aching jaw
The allergist broke out in hives when he was tossed a rose
And the chiropractor said his back was sore
The chiropodist complained about his raw and blistered feet
As he stumbled to the sideline with a scowl
The psychiatrist got moody when he saw he faced defeat
And losing interest he threw in the towel
The nurses had to stop when called to care for all the rest
The physiotherapist became too tired
The plastic surgeons hobbled to the roadside, two abreast
The geriatric specialist retired
Finally just one contestant made the finish line
He smiled at the thunderous applause
And what is your position? The administrator asked
He answered; I'm the janitor of course
Growing Old
I never thought when I was young
That I’d be old some day
Arthritic hips and cataracts
Were many years away
I’d run and skip and leap and jump
I’d dance all through the night
I’d paint and bake and stitch and read
With clear unblemished sight
Past building sites I’d sway my hips
While whistles rent the air
Admiring glances came my way
When I tossed back my hair
But suddenly it seemed to me
That life had somehow changed
I wasn’t getting old of course
But life had rearranged
Policemen, posties, pilots too
Are merely fresh-faced boys
While roller skates and basketballs
Are long discarded