toys
My youthful face is creased with lines
My black hair turned to grey
I lie awake for half the night
And doze off in the day
I find it hard to touch my toes
My knees now groan and creak
I find most people are inclined
To mumble as they speak
I’ve started wearing glasses
Only not one pair but three
One pair for distance, one to read
And one for in between
I used to tramp up mountains high
And stride out any distance
Alas those days are gone
I have to hobble with assistance
I no longer go to nightclubs
But instead I watch TV
The highlight of my day is now
My morning cup of tea
But though my body’s old and worn
And stiff in every part
I really can’t be old because
I still feel young at hear
Herbal Remedies
My husband woke up with a cold in his head
He told me he felt rather ill
I spoke to my neighbour next door and she said
Use some garlic, it's better than pills
I walked down the hallway and out of the door
To the herb garden down by the shed
I dug up some garlic bulbs, not one but four
I'm sure this will fix him, I said
I gave my poor husband the garlic, although
He complained of a pain in his chest
I phoned my Aunt Betty, she said Don't you know
That freshly ground fennel is best?
I walked down the hallway and out of the door
To the herb garden down by the shed
I picked a huge handful of fennel, then more
I'm sure this will fix him, I said
My husband was coughing, his forehead was hot
I called up my sister-in-law
She told me that fennel and garlic were not
Any use, You need comfrey, for sure
I walked down the hallway and out of the door
To the herb garden down by the shed
I bent and picked comfrey till my hands were sore
I'm sure this will fix him, I said
My husband was moaning, he tossed and he turned
He clutched at his head and he sneezed
I read Woman's Weekly and in there I learned
That parsley's the best remedy
I walked down the hallway and out of the door
To the herb garden down by the shed
I gathered up parsley and chopped it up raw
I'm sure this will fix him, I said
My friend's sister's neighbour brewed sage up as tea
Which caused a miraculous cure
I thought I would try that because I could see
My old man had a high temperature
He developed bronchitis deep down in his chest
With pneumonia; now he is dead
I scattered his ashes and he lies at rest
In the herb garden down by the shed
If All Else Fails
I sent off for a project that I purchased from a shop
Of a pretty painted trinket box with roses on the top
I glanced down at the booklet and confess I promptly quailed
At the sight of the instructions that this tiny thing entailed
I knew I didn't need them so I mixed my paints with glee
With a medium I'd picked up from a garage sale, for free
I duly started painting and discovered with dismay
Where my roses touched the lustre they dripped off onto my tray
I didn't have enamel but some toothpaste mixed up well
I applied it with a palette knife, I liked the minty smell
My pink paint turned to muddy brown and was inclined to dribble
And when I tried to sign my name my writing turned to scribble
I packed the box inside the kiln and heaved a final sigh
I opened it next morning with my expectations high
Alas my little box was a disaster, sad but true
And so the moral of this tale is my advice to you
Follow the instructions!
Keeping Clean
Bored, I lay in hospital reclining on a bed
Surrounded by discarded piles of books that I had read
A cleaning lady, old and bent, approached me with a smile
I'm here to mop the floor, she said, I'll only be a while
Pleased with this diversion, I watched her wield her broom
And chatted of my children as she tottered round the room
She said, One day I hope I, too, will have a family
I heed these words of wisdom that my mother taught to me
I always wear clean knickers even when I'm in a rush
I never know when I may be run over by a bus
I eat my crusts of bread and never leave them on the plate
That way my hair will curl. She touched her hair, which hung quite straight
I always take a handkerchief, and make sure it is clean
I do not talk to strangers, as I don't know where they've been
Just in case of rain I try to keep a brolly handy
While in my bag I have a vial of smelling salts and brandy
I haven't chewed my fingernails since I was just thirteen
Without her gloves a lady definitely can't be seen
To preserve my pure complexion dear, I shade my face from sun
Her wrinkled face beamed as she said - someday my prince will com
Making an Appointment
I woke up early Monday with a sharp pain in my tummy
I needed an appointment with the doctor in a hurry
I fumbled through the phone book feeling bilious and queasy
As I dialled the number up, I thought it would be easy
I rang up very early but I didn't have a prayer
The staff all took a long weekend and nobody was there
I phoned up on a Tuesday; I'd developed quite a rash
It spread across my neck and shoulders right along my back
My head was slowly pounding and my little toe was sore
My elbow had a bruise from where I bumped it on the door
I hoped that I would get to see the doctor right away
But I got the 'busy' signal every time I phoned that day
On Wednesday I was sneezing and I had a nasty cough
I felt so hot and flustered that I took my sweater off
I called the doctor; his receptionist said she would look
To see if there was space to spare in the appointment book
She said, The doctor's busy till the middle of next week
Then hung up rapidly before I had a chance to speak
On Thursday I had backache so I thought I'd better rest
I stayed in bed and didn't even bother to get dressed
I made a drink with lemons and some brandy but in vain
My throat was red and all my muscles ached and throbbed with pain
I dialled up the doctor just to hear the answer phone
Please leave your name and number now as no-one is at home
On Friday I felt dizzy and my fingertips went numb
My knees were swollen and I had an ulcer on my tongue
I phoned up the receptionist, again to no avail
She said, I'll send you an appointment next week, in the mail
She kept her word and four days later I received the letter
I phoned up and I cancelled it - by that time I was better!
Modern Technology
I don't know how computers work
As far as I'm aware
It's magic how they take my words
And spread them though the air
I'm hardly old and withered
&n
bsp; But I do remember when
I did my correspondence
With a paper and a pen
A window was for looking through
Meg was my brother's wife
A ram grazed with his flock of sheep
To cut, I'd use a knife
I'd paste with pots of sticky glue
While webs I'd brush away
A program was a TV soap
That I would watch each day
We'd gather round the keyboard
Where we'd sing out like a choir
Mum would put a log on
The stacked woodpile by the fire
Dad would have a hard drive
Home from work at five each day
And cursor at the traffic
That he passed along the way
A virus was a dread disease
To lay you low in bed
A mouse was something that you set
A trap for in the shed
Spam was spread on sandwiches
You'd surf out on the sea
While chips were something that you ate
With sausages for tea
Softwear was a nightgown
And a file was for my nails
Network was the fine embroidery
Found on bridal veils
Servers worked in restaurants
And carried drinks for cash
I can't write anymore because
My @#*% computer's crashed!
Mortality
I went to the doctor on Wednesday last week
For a check-up – my wife made me go
The doc shook his head
As I lay on his bed
Here are some things you should know
Beginning today you must heed my advice
On this I'm afraid I insist
To live a long life
With your warm, loving wife
In future please follow this list
All meat is unhealthy and so there must be
No more barbequed steak or mince pies
No more roasts, no more chops
Even chicken must stop
Instead try a little brown rice
No more food cooked in fat, we cannot have that
No more sugar or cheese or whipped cream
Eat your vegetables raw
No more salt, that's for sure
Don't eat chocolate and never ice-cream
No more beer, no more wine
And what's more it is time
To give up both coffee and tea
If you feel like a drink
Just have water – I think
That will be the most satisfactory
No more staying up late
Your new bedtime is eight
And you'll get up, refreshed, around five
A brisk walk every day
Of around 20 K
Will certainly keep you alive
No more smoking, it's terribly bad for your lungs
No more sex, that is bad for your heart
Golf is hard on your knees
Fishing might make you sneeze
Have you