The whole purpose of this date was to break the cycle—a cycle which mostly consisted of obsessing over Mack, fantasizing about Mack, longing for someone I couldn’t have.
At the same time, I cherished his friendship. That made the situation complicated, because I couldn’t seem to give him up.
I truly didn’t know how he really felt about me, but I suspected based on how he was acting tonight, that he was a little jealous. That gave me a thrill and confused me at the same time.
Moses walked in. He looked at Mack and then at me. There was an awkward silence. He knew about my true feelings for Mack. That was one of the reasons he was pushing me to go on this date.
“They should be here any minute,” Moses said before turning to Mack. “Don’t you have somewhere to be?”
“Nope.”
Moses glared at him. “Can I talk to you for a minute?”
Both guys then left the room.
What was that all about?
Before I knew it, the doorbell rang. With Moses and Mack still talking in private, I went to let our guests in.
Emmett had red hair like me, blue eyes, and a nice smile. In any other world, he might have even seemed handsome. But in my world, no one compared to Mack Morrison.
“You must be Francesca.”
“Yes. Nice to meet you.”
“Nice to meet you, too. Moses has told me so much about you.”
“Likewise.” I then turned to his brother, Moses’s boyfriend. “Nice to see you again, Brad. Where are we headed tonight?”
Moses entered the room and answered my question. “I was thinking we’d go to Dick’s Last Resort.”
Dick’s was a gimmicky restaurant in the city known for its whacky décor and intentionally obnoxious staff.
“Speaking of dicks…” Moses said, looking over at Mack, who’d just emerged from his bedroom.
Mack headed straight for my date. “Emmett! What’s up, bro? How ya doin’?” He spun around in a Justin Bieber-like dance move then extended his hand.
Oh, God.
In an apparent attempt to mock Emmett’s former boy band stint, Mack had changed into low-slung jeans that were hanging halfway down his ass. His boxers were pretty much on full display. He’d also put on a white, wife beater tank and was wearing a baseball cap sideways. Despite my embarrassment, I couldn’t help but notice how good his muscles looked in that shirt. Damn.
Moses chose to ignore Mack’s little show and headed to the kitchen to grab a couple of beers for our dates.
Feeling anxious, I took the time to use the bathroom.
That was when things literally went down the toilet.
I’d stupidly flushed a tampon, resulting in the toilet clogging. It came right back up along with a deluge of water that gathered at the top of the bowl. With no plunger in sight, I truly didn’t know what to do. The thought of sticking my hand in the toilet skeeved me out beyond belief. Yet, there was no way I could have just left it there and gone out. One of the guys would have seen it. I knew that one of them would be using the bathroom before we left for the night, especially since they’d been drinking. Worse, if they didn’t, then Mack would be the one to see my floating tampon after we left.
After I’d been hiding in the bathroom for upwards of a half-hour, there was a light knock on the door.
“Frankie, what the hell? Are you okay?”
Shit. It was Mack.
“No.”
“What’s wrong? You sound weird.”
“Do we have a plunger somewhere that you could hand to me?”
He laughed. “What did you get yourself into, Frankie Jane?”
“Just…do we have one or not?”
“Moses is a germaphobe. He took the plunger a while back and said he was going to replace it but never did.”
“Well, I need one.”
“We don’t have one.”
“Can you go get one for me?”
A few seconds passed before he said, “I’ll be right back.”
Mack disappeared for about five minutes before returning.
“Are you decent?”
“You can’t come in here!”
He repeated, “Are you decent?”
“Yes, but—”
The door opened.
Mack was sporting rubber, dishwashing gloves and carrying a bucket.
“What are you doing?”
“Unclogging the mess you made.”
“You can’t.”
“Watch me. How bad could it be anyway?” He had to eat his words when he looked down at my bloody tampon that had now expanded in the water. “Oh.”
I cringed. “Yeah.”
“Apparently, you’re not supposed to flush those.”
“No shit, Sherlock,” I snapped.
“I’d ask you why you’re cranky, but obviously it’s that time of the month.”
Despite my mortification, I couldn’t help but laugh a little. Mack grinned and winked at me, causing my heart to flutter. How this guy could have me swooning at a time like this was pretty unbelievable.
Mack geared himself up. “Alright, here goes.”
Without delay, he reached into the toilet to extract the tampon. After dumping it into the trash, he then proceeded to squirt copious amounts of shampoo into the toilet bowl. Then, he headed over to the sink where he filled the large bucket. After pouring the scalding water down the bowl, he was able to get things moving again. He finished it off with a successful flush.
“How did you learn how to do that?”
“It’s Mackenzie magic.” He winked then said, “Actually, Google. Looked up remedies for unclogging a toilet without a plunger.”
“Thank you for coming to my rescue. That was beyond your duty as a friend.”
“You’re lucky I like you, Frankie Jane. I think that was proof I’d do just about anything for you.”
His words gave me serious butterflies. He always made me feel like he would do anything for me.
“Thank you.”
“You know what I think?”
“What?”
“I think subconsciously you’re just trying to avoid going out with him.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Because no one stays locked up in a bathroom because of a floating tampon.” He took his gloves off and discarded them in the trash. “Why don’t you just tell them you’re sick or something? Stay home.”
“That would be rude at this point.”
“And disappearing into the bathroom isn’t?”
I changed the subject off of me. “What was with the boy band act? You’re such an attention whore.”
“Only when it comes to your attention.”
My heart started to beat faster. I was a lost cause.
“Well, next time you’re tantruming for my attention, try not to be so insulting to other people.”
“You’re right. It was immature.”
“You did make me laugh, though.”
“That’s because you have the same sense of humor I do. And neither of us is that nice, which is why we get along so well.”
“Maybe.”
Our eyes locked, and the tension in the air was transparent. His hair was messed up from the hat he’d been wearing, but in a way, that made him look even more handsome. I wanted so badly to run my fingers through that hair, to tug on it, pull him into my mouth and just suck on his lips. If he only knew that just thinking about that was making me wet.
Could he tell how badly I wanted him?
When he reached his hand over to my waist, I flinched. For a split second, I’d thought he was going to pull me into him or something. It turned out he was just fixing my shirt.
“It was halfway untucked,” he said. “You’re a bit of a mess.”
My pulse was still recovering from the excitement of that brief contact when Moses entered without knocking.
“What the fuck is going on?” he spewed.
“Nothing. Mack was just helping me with a toilet mishap.”
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“Whatever. You’re being fucking rude, Frankie.”
“You’re right. I’ll be right there.”
Moses exited the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.
“He hates me right now,” Mack joked. He and I continued to stare at each other for a few seconds before he said, “I should let you go.” Grabbing the bucket, he started to leave before stopping at the door one last time to say, “I really need to learn how to be better at that—letting you go.”
It was the first real implication of his jealousy. Why did I feel badly that my going out with Emmett was upsetting him? Mack had a girlfriend! God, our relationship was so fucked-up.
The school year was coming to an end. I knew Mack would be heading home to D.C. soon for the summer. He was supposed to be home from his weekend away any minute. On this particular Sunday night, though, I decided to forego meeting him down in the laundry room. Instead, I made my way up to the rooftop of our building.
Lights from nearby Fenway Park lit up the night sky. A Red Sox game against the Orioles had gone into overtime, and the cheers from the crowd could be heard. Feeling super emotional tonight, I let the sounds from the park serve as the backdrop to the multitude of thoughts going through my head.
After about an hour alone up there, Mack’s voice startled me. “Frankie?”
Shit.
I turned around. “Hi.”
“You threw me off. I was expecting you to be down in the basement. I don’t know what made me decide to check up here, but I had a feeling.”
“I wasn’t in the mood for laundry tonight, for some reason.”
He sat down next to me as we both gazed out at Fenway.
“Nothing like baseball on a balmy night in Boston,” I said.
“You don’t normally come up here alone. Something’s up. Did that fucking Emmett do something?”
I shook my head. “No. I’m not even seeing him anymore.”
“Why not?”
“Nothing. It just fizzled away.”
“Well, I couldn’t see you with him anyway.”
“Yeah,” I whispered.
His tone became more insistent. “Something is bothering you. Talk to me.”
I looked up at the stars. How could I tell him what was really eating away at me? That I felt like I was falling in love with him. That I wasn’t sure I could handle my jealousy anymore. That I was miserable at the thought of him leaving for the entire summer. That I feared he might decide not to come back and that I’d never see him again. That in some ways, I feared him coming back again even more. That I’d never been more confused in my entire life.
Probably sensing my inner turmoil, he said, “You know you can talk to me about anything, right?”
“I don’t know how to talk to you about you.”
He simply nodded. He knew exactly what was wrong.
Mack shocked me when he reached over and grabbed my hand, firmly locking my fingers into his. He stared down at our hands for a while. “This conversation has been a long time coming, hasn’t it?”
“Yes.”
“It’s not one-sided, Frankie. I know you can feel that from me, because I don’t hide my jealousy very well.”
“You know, it’s pretty pathetic that the best part of my weekend is always when you come home. You asked me why I wasn’t downstairs…I was kind of hoping you didn’t find me.”
“Damn, it’s come to that, huh?” He smiled.
“I need to break the pattern, get used to you not being around, not just for the summer but the long term. This is not healthy.”
He gripped my hand tighter and just continued to look at me as I continued.
“I’ve gotten attached to you, Mack—way more than a friend should.”
“I know it’s fucked-up, Frankie. This whole experience in Boston was just supposed to be a temporary reprieve for me, to figure out my future, to get away from home. I wasn’t expecting that being here would feel more like home. That’s because of you. You weren’t part of the plan. At all.”
“I don’t want to have these feelings for you.”
“I used to tell myself I’d eventually tell Torrie about you. But the longer I put it off, the harder it’s become, because my feelings for you now are more complicated than they used to be in the beginning. I’m afraid she’ll see through me. It’s not fair to her, and it’s not fair to you. I’m just so fucking confused about everything. All I know is…I don’t ever want to hurt you.”
“I know that.” I nodded. “This summer apart might be a good thing.”
“Yeah. I think you’re right.”
We sat in silence for a while after that, staring at the Fenway lights and listening to the sounds of the cheering baseball fans.
I looked down again at our interlocked fingers, knowing that I could count on one hand the number of days left before he would be gone.
The students had been assigned to draw a picture of their families before recess. It was part of a lesson on the diversity of the family structure in America. As I was looking through the kids’ submissions, I stopped upon Jonah’s, which was very telling.
Three harsh lines were drawn in thick black crayon between the images of his mother, father, and him. Oddly, Jonah had drawn Torrie with a smile on her face but had drawn Mack and himself with frowns. The drawing clearly depicted how he viewed his current family situation along with his emotional state.
While it wasn’t my place to analyze the boy’s artistic interpretation of his home life, I couldn’t help but want to talk to him. Maybe it was inappropriate to be giving his drawing any special attention over the others, but I couldn’t seem to ignore it. The truth was, he reminded me a lot of myself when I was younger.
As was typical, Jonah was playing off to the side of the schoolyard, kicking around a ball, separated from the other students. I took the opportunity to try to talk to him before recess ended.
“Hey, Jonah. Can I speak to you for a minute?”
He simply nodded and followed me inside and down the corridor.
Back in the classroom, I took a seat next to him. “So, I was looking at your drawing here, and it sort of caught my eye because of how different it was. There’s nothing wrong with that. I just wanted to talk to you about it.”
Jonah continued to remain quiet but attentive.
“First off, I want to make sure you understand that there are all sorts of families. Families with parents who are together, families with two mothers, two fathers, families with one parent. Let me show you a picture of my family.”
I walked over to my desk and grabbed a drawing that I had quickly put together myself right before. It showed my mother and me on one side and a cut out piece of black construction paper pasted onto the other side of the page.
“So, this is my family. It looks different than yours but nevertheless, still a family. I never got to meet my dad. So, he’s sort of like a mystery to me. That’s why he’s represented in black.”
“Where is he?”
“I don’t know, Jonah. He decided he didn’t want to be a father before I was born. But you know what? I had a great mother. And she took really good care of me. But see…I wanted to share my story with you so that you understand that not everyone has a storybook family. That was my reason for this project, to demonstrate that. If your mom and dad aren’t living together, you’re not alone. It’s okay to be upset about that, because emotions are natural. We can’t help them. But you have two parents who love you. I can assure you of that. They will always love you, even if they aren’t together.”
“Your dad didn’t love you?”
“He didn’t know me. And he was very young.”
“Do you forgive him?”
The kid had totally stumped me, because that was a question I truly didn’t know the answer to.
I hesitated before answering, “That’s a tough question.” I rustled his curls playfully. “Can I come back to you on that?”
“Yeah,” he said, cracking a sligh
t smile that was reminiscent of Mack.
“Just remember it’s okay to be different. That goes for when you start to feel like you’re not blending in with the other kids. You remind me a lot of myself when I was younger. I used to wear glasses just like you, too.”
He surprised me when he said, “I know, you’re Frankie Four Eyes.”
“You do, huh?”
“I won’t say anything.”
“Okay.” I smiled. “You know what else, Jonah? I was also really shy around people, too. Just like you.”
“How did you get to become a teacher, then?”
“Well, for me, I tend to get nervous around other grown ups. Even still to this day, sometimes.”
“What do you do when that happens?”
“I deal with it until the funny feelings pass. They always do. And I never run from things that make me uncomfortable. Kind of like how we’ve been having you stay in the class when you ask to leave. Have you noticed you haven’t been asking to leave as often?”
He nodded.
“That’s because you’ve stuck it out enough times now that you’ve learned there’s really nothing to be afraid of.”
Jonah seemed to ponder that.
“Anyway, the lesson here is that it’s okay to be different, and it’s okay to not love being around people all of the time. What’s important is that you try—not for them—but for yourself.”
“Okay.”
“Thanks for the talk.” I smiled. “You still have a few minutes of recess left if you want to go back outside, or you can stay and hang in here with me.”
He decided to stay. I’d left Jonah’s family portrait on his desk. I watched as he sat down, stared at it for a while then picked up his crayon and altered it somehow.
I’d notice later that he’d switched his frown to a smile.
I don’t know what finally possessed me that particular night to tell Victor about Mack. But it was time.
The guilt had finally worn me down. Even though I hadn’t technically done anything wrong, I’d been so preoccupied over the past several weeks. It’s not easy to hide an obsession from someone you live with day in and day out. Every night, he’d ask me whether something was bothering me, and I’d always tell him it was school-related and nothing more. Victor was probably the person I respected most in the entire world; he deserved better than to be lied to.