It happened half a mile from school on a quiet road. There was no one else around. Daniel must have waited outside the changing room and then followed me home. I didn’t hear him creep up behind me ’cos I was having a conversation with Mum in my head, telling her all about the game and saying Don’t cry. I bet Mr Walker will let you come next time.
There was a tap on my back and I turned around to see five knuckles. They punched my face and my eyeball smashed against the back of my skull like an egg against a wall. My hands flew up to my head and a foot kicked me in the stomach and I fell to the ground. The foot kicked my leg, then my elbow, then my ribs, and I could taste something metallic that must have been blood.
I turned over to protect my tummy and Daniel thumped me on the back. Then he grabbed my hair and shook and blood splashed all over the pavement. He shouted in my ear That’s for getting me in trouble with the Headmaster. I tried to reply but my mouth was full of blood and guts and something hard that might have been a tooth. He said You’re a dickhead and Everyone hates you and One lucky goal won’t change a thing. And I was just lying there taking it all until he said Go back to London and take the Paki with you. For some reason that word made me cross so I tried to get to my feet but my body wouldn’t work.
Daniel stamped on my fingers before he ran off. I lay on the pavement and watched his trainers disappear around the corner. My bones ached and my head throbbed and I felt tired. I closed my eyes and just concentrated on breathing. Air whistled in and out of my nostrils. I must have fallen asleep. The next thing I knew, the sky had gone dark and the mountains were shadows and the trees were black and spiky against a creamy moon.
I limped home. No blue lights flashed outside the cottage. Mum’s car was not in the drive. I had no idea what time it was but I knew it was late and I thought Dad might have been worried enough to make a few phone calls.
I opened the front door and waited for Jas to fly down the stairs or Dad to shout Where on earth have you been. The hall was silent. Grey light seeped underneath the lounge door and I walked towards it, my body stinging with each step. Dad was asleep on the sofa, a photo album open on his knees, a picture of Rose glinting in the light from the TV. She was wearing a flowery dress, a cardigan and flat shoes with buckles. I stared at Dad for a long time and, even though my body was battered and my eye had swollen to twice its normal size, I had never felt more invisible. It’s not a great superpower, after all.
The TV was muted but that advert came on. Britain’s Biggest Talent Show. Lots of children danced in the silence, their faces all happy and shiny and their families clapping along in the audience. And when the phone appeared and the words swirled around saying Ring this number to change your life, I grabbed a pen off the mantelpiece and wrote the number on the palm of my sore hand.
TURNS OUT I hadn’t been asleep on the pavement that long. It goes dark so early now it’s hard to tell the time. It was only half past six when I turned off the TV and left Dad in the lounge and came up to my bedroom. As soon as I walked in, Roger leapt off the windowsill and rubbed his fur against my bruises. At least one person was glad to see me. At least one person was happy I’d made it home alive. I had a sudden image of Roger dialling 999 with his paw and reporting me missing through his whiskers. A smile pushed my cheeks up to my eyes and it hurt like you wouldn’t believe.
Jas got in at twenty one minutes past ten. The hinges of the front door creaked slowly and I could tell she was trying to sneak in without being heard. I crossed my fingers. There was a stamping noise and then a shout. I pulled the duvet over my head and hummed really hard. Dad sounded like he’d been drinking.
He asked her again and again Where have you been and she said Just out with friends, which was obviously a lie. But I didn’t blame her for keeping quiet about Leo. Dad would not like Jas to have a boyfriend, especially one with green hair. He said Why didn’t you call and I could hear the words Jas wanted to say. I could see them flash into her brain. But she just said I’ll call next time and Dad said There won’t be a next time and Jas said WHAT and Dad said You’re grounded.
This was so stupid I would have laughed but I was trying to keep my face still ’cos it hurt too much to move. Dad hasn’t looked after us for months. He hasn’t cooked us tea, or asked about our day, or told us off for too long to start now. Jas must have had the same reaction ’cos Dad said Wipe that daft smile off your face. And she shouted You can’t ground me and Dad replied If you act like a child then I’ll treat you like one and Jas said I’m more of an adult than you’ll ever be. And Dad said That’s ridiculous and I whispered to Roger No it’s not. Roger purred and his whiskers tickled my lips. He was curled up next to me, his body a furry hot water bottle against mine. Then there was this silence full of all the things Jas couldn’t say.
When I was friends with Luke Branston for four days, we watched this old horror film called Candyman. It was about a man with a hook who appears if you look in the mirror and say his name five times. And ever since I watched that film I have half wanted to try it, and sometimes when I am brushing my teeth I say Candyman Candyman Candyman Candyman Candy— but I never finish it off, just in case.
It’s like that with Dad. No one’s ever said anything about his drinking. Jas’s never said anything to me, and I’ve never said anything to her, and we’ve never ever said anything to Dad. It’s too scary. I don’t know what would happen if we said the word DRUNK.
I half wanted her to shout it in his face. Roger got too hot and leapt off the bed. The church clock chimed eleven times and I imagined a little old man pulling the rope in the bell tower underneath the stars. The silence went on. I bit my lip and noticed a gap. Daniel had knocked out my last baby tooth.
Footsteps on the stairs broke the silence. I felt relieved and disappointed, both at the same time. My door opened and Jas came in, dumping her bag on my floor. She sat on my bed and started to cry. Black tears full of make-up made lines down her cheeks. Her back felt bony when I gave her a hug. I can’t do this any more she whispered, which made me feel sick. That’s just what Mum said before she walked out. I grabbed hold of Jas’s hand, thinking of the kite on the beach at St. Bees and how it had tugged and twisted, trying to get free. I pushed my fingers in between hers and held on tight. I said Things will change and she said How can they and I said Don’t worry. I have a plan.
Before I could tell her about Britain’s Biggest Talent Show, she grabbed her bag and opened it up. Have this she said, handing me a can. For your t-shirt. So you don’t have to take it off. Deodorant. I thought of the boy on the pitch who had smelled like a man and I sprayed it all over my body. Better I asked. Much she replied, with the tiniest smile. You were really starting to stink.
When Mrs Farmer walked into the classroom, the first thing she did was fly the footballers’ angels onto new clouds. As Daniel’s angel had been recycled, she wrote his name on a post-it and stuck it on cloud one. Sunya tried to catch my eye but I ignored her. After what Daniel did, I was scared to make him cross.
My angel jumped up two ’cos I scored the winning goal so now I’m on cloud three. Mrs Farmer said Stand up boys and we did and she said You are all one step closer to Heaven as everyone clapped. She looked at me funny but then shook her head, deciding not to say anything. My eye is all green and black and puffed up with bruises.
At breakfast when Jas said What’s wrong with your face, I just said I got elbowed in the match. I wanted to tell her about Daniel, but she still looked sad and I thought she had enough to worry about. I wondered if Dad was going to ask about the score but he was frowning at something on the radio. Jas looked up from her laptop. I don’t feel well she muttered and went back to bed. On the way out of the door, I spotted her horoscope on the computer screen. It said Prepare for a big surprise, which must have freaked Jas out.
All the way through Geography, Sunya kept trying to talk to me about the game. She was going on and on about my goal, how it was the best thing she’s ever seen, including all the football
on TV, and how she knew I’d be brilliant ’cos I was Spider-Man. But I’d never felt less like Spider-Man in my life, with my body aching underneath the t-shirt and the sleeves flapping around my arms. And when she said she thought the Headmaster would make me captain next match, I told her to shut up. She said What did you say and I said You don’t know anything about football. Her eyes changed from circles to slits and her lips made a thin line as if someone had drawn them with a very sharp pencil.
She didn’t speak to me all the way through English and in Assembly she didn’t clap when the Headmaster announced that I was Man of The Match. It should have been the best moment of my life but I felt like Dominic from my school in London. Dominic’s disabled and, whenever he did anything, even wrote his name in big spidery letters, everyone went Wow and Well done as if he’d written a book or something. When the Headmaster described my goal, that’s exactly how I felt, like it wasn’t that good for anyone else but it was dead impressive for the weird ginger boy who they all thought was too retarded to play football.
At playtime I walked over to our bench. I didn’t expect Sunya to be there. I thought she’d be too angry. But there she was, with her nose in the air and her foot tapping on the ground. Her eyes were as black as the hijab on her head and three shiny hairs blew in the wind. She said I’m ignoring you, and I said So why are you speaking, and she said I am just letting you know that I won’t be talking for the rest of the day. So I said But I’m sorry, and she said So you should be, and I said I thought you weren’t speaking, and then she hit me on the leg. It shouldn’t have hurt as much as it did but I swore loudly and put my hands on my thigh. And then Sunya looked from my leg, to my eye, to the scratches on my hands, and her jaw dropped. She jumped up and said Come on. Her headscarf swayed from side to side and her bracelets tinkled as she marched down a slope I hadn’t seen before. It led to a green shed below the school.
Where are we I asked as Sunya looked all around and then turned the handle of a hidden door. I followed her inside, blinking a few times as my eyes got used to the dark. The room smelled like cobwebs and mud. This is the P.E. storeroom she said as she closed the door and sat on a large ball. I used to hide in here when everyone called me Curry Germs. I didn’t know what to say to that so I picked up a tennis ball and bounced it on the ground. She reached forward and caught it. What’s wrong, Jamie. I tried to laugh but it sounded false. She waited until I stopped and then whispered What happened.
Hot blood rushed into my face and my bruises throbbed. I wanted to tell her but I felt too ashamed. The fat dinner lady blew the whistle and I turned towards the door. Sunya grabbed my hand. I looked down. My white fingers looked nice in her dark ones. She stood up. She was so close I could see a tiny freckle just above her lip that I’d never noticed before. She dropped my hand and put her fingers on the right sleeve of my t-shirt. I shouted DON’T but she lifted it up, peeling it back slowly and gently like she knew that my arm was sore. And when she saw the bruise above my elbow, her sparkly eyes shone with tears. Daniel she asked, and I nodded.
The whistle blew again so we couldn’t talk. We crept out of the door and crawled up the slope and joined the rest of the children without being seen. Through History and Science, Sunya stared at Daniel and I was scared she would say something and make it worse. But she seemed to know how I felt ’cos she kept her mouth shut and when it was lunchtime we went back to the storeroom.
I like it in there. It’s quiet and cool and secret. We sat on a mat and shared sandwiches and I told her about the fight. She bit her lip and shook her head and swore at all the worst bits. She said Let’s get revenge but I said Just forget it and she said But he called you a dickhead. He beat you up. We have to do something. I was worried she meant tell a teacher but then she said My brothers will smash his face in. She knows like I know that teachers make things worse. I thought about Daniel getting kicked by a big boy and it made me feel good and bad all at the same time. I wanted him to get beaten up but I wanted to be brave enough to do it myself.
It went quiet for a bit and I ate the crusts of my bread as Sunya looked at my Spider-Man top. She touched it with her hand and her face was all thoughtful and I knew what she was about to ask. And this time the words like Mum and Affair and Dad and Drinking didn’t seem too big to get out.
I told her almost everything. She didn’t interrupt. Just listened and nodded. I talked about Dad’s bottles in the bin and Mum walking out to live with Nigel. I told her how I thought Mum had forgotten my birthday and how relieved I was to get the present two days later. In the dust on the floor of the storeroom, I wrote the words Mum put in the P.S. of my card, and Sunya agreed that she would visit soon. And when I explained why I couldn’t take my t-shirt off until Mum had come to see me, she understood.
All the time I’d been talking, I’d been staring at the golden square of light around the secret door. But when Sunya said those words I looked at her face. She smiled and I smiled and our hands pressed together and a firework whizzed up my arm. It started to rain but the tap on the roof was not as loud as the BOOM of my heart. I wanted to look at Sunya’s freckle so I leaned forward and stared at the brown dot above her lip. It’s a superstition she said and her voice was a bit higher than normal. I leaned even closer. Her breath tickled my face. A superstition she whispered. That’s what you’ve got. My nose almost touched her three shiny hairs as I said Super what and she said Like those footballers that score goals and have to wear the same sweaty underpants every match for good luck. And then we started to giggle and the freckle disappeared as her lips stretched into a smile.
All of a sudden our faces felt too close so I stood up and looked around for a ball. I found one in the corner of the storeroom and kicked it about a bit. Sunya said Tell me about your sister and I whacked the ball too hard and it crashed against the secret door. I said She’s got pink hair and Sunya said I meant the other one.
Sunya is a Muslim and Muslims killed my sister. I didn’t know what to say. I thought about lying but it didn’t seem right and I wished Rose had just drowned or burned to death as that would have been so much easier to explain. And then I started to laugh ’cos that was a strange thing to wish and Sunya joined in and then we just couldn’t stop.
And through all the laughter I managed to say those four words. Muslims killed my sister. And Sunya didn’t look shocked, or say I’m so sorry, or try to look sad like everyone else who’d found out. She said It’s not funny, oh it’s not funny but then laughed even harder, holding her sides, tears rolling down her dark cheeks. And I laughed too and my eyes were wet for the first time in five years. And I wondered if this was what the counsellor had meant when she said It will hit you one day and then you will cry. Somehow I don’t think she meant tears of laughter.
I LIKE THE taste of envelopes and I licked the shiny bit five times before I stuck the top down. I imagined Mum opening the letter in Nigel’s house, her fingers touching my dried spit, and that made me feel nice. Mrs Farmer told us it was Very Important for Mum and Dad to come to Parents’ Evening in December. She said This is their last chance to talk to me before you go to High School next year. You should come with your mums and drag your dads along too.
I got two letters off the pile in the classroom and gave one to Dad and sent one to Mum. I put a note on the top of her letter in my best joined-up handwriting. Meet outside my new school, Ambleside Church of England Primary, on December 13th at 3.15 pm. P.S. Don’t bring Nigel. I was going to write I will be wearing my Spider-Man t-shirt but I decided not to. I want it to be a surprise. I carefully folded the pages I’d torn from my sketchbook and put them in the envelope as well. A picture of me and a picture of the goldfish. Mum’ll love them.
When the letter fell into the post box, I felt excited. Parents’ Evening is still two weeks away so there is plenty of time for Mum to ask Mr Walker for time off. She won’t want to miss it. Mum always goes on and on about how school is important and good grades can get me anything that I want. She said Put in
the hard work now and you will get the rewards later in life. I’m going to try really hard at school until December 13th so Mrs Farmer has loads of good things to say.
After I sent the letter, I sat on the wall by the post box and waited for Sunya. I felt bad leaving Dad ’cos he asked me what I wanted to do this morning. He said Got any plans and I almost choked on my Coco Pops. I coughed Off to my friend’s and he said Oh in this disappointed way that made me feel like I was doing something wrong. Which of course I was ’cos I was going to have lunch with a Muslim, but Dad didn’t know that. He said I thought we could go fishing and Jas took a huge gulp of tea and burned her tongue. I said Sorry and he said Well, be back by five because I’m making tea. Jas was fanning her tongue with her hand but her eyes still widened in shock.
Dad’s been much better since that argument with Jas. I think he realised he hadn’t been looking after us that much. He still drinks, but not in the mornings, and he has taken us to school four times this month. And he’s started asking me about lessons and stuff. Even though he doesn’t always listen to the answer, I enjoy telling him. When I said I had scored the winning goal in the football match and my team were top of the league, he said You should have told me you were playing. I would have come to watch, which was annoying and nice all mixed together. Jas was painting her nails when he said this and she just shook her head and winked at me and blew on her black fingernails to make them dry.
It’s good Dad has changed ’cos Jas thought my plan was rubbish. I told her about ringing Britain’s Biggest Talent Show and leaving our address so the TV people could send us information about the auditions. She said But you need a talent to enter a Talent Show and I said You can sing and she said Not like Rose and that made me cross ’cos it’s just not true. When the information arrived, I went to show Jas. I pointed at the date, January 5th, and the place of the nearest audition, Manchester Palace Theatre. She said Not that again and I said But it might change our lives and she said Stop talking crap and Get out of my room.