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The penthouse that Janelle’s parents owned was this huge, lavishly decorated place that took up almost two entire floors of the building they lived in. I’d only been there once when I was a little kid, and I almost forgot just how big it was. My mouth dropped open when the elevator doors spread apart to the sight of the sprawling living room. In all respects, it was pretty much the city equivalent of walking through the front door of a mansion. Once you were inside, it was hard not to tell the difference.
The living room area took up a good portion of the right side, where a balcony from the second floor overlooked about half of it. There were white leather couches connecting at one corner beneath which lay a nice thick rug to massage your toes, glass coffee table, and a flat-screen TV that basically took up the entire wall.
Countless decorations stood everywhere; tapestries, sculptures, oil paintings and photographic work of artists from the last century from about the 1950’s on up. I wasn’t really as much into photography as I used to be in middle school, but I definitely recognized some from Sally Mann and a few others they no doubt had paid thousands for. The entire place screamed of upper class, and I had to blink twice to be sure I wasn’t dreaming.
To the left was the dining room, and directly ahead was a curling staircase that led to the upper floor where the bedrooms and my Aunt Sarah’s studio were. She was more or less an artist herself, specializing in post-expressionist style oil paintings and jewelry design, the latter of which was more of a hobby. She owned her own gallery downtown, and that was one of the other reasons they were rich.
She was constantly organizing major events and showcasing artwork, so all these huge investors and businessmen would come in. It certainly benefitted her husband’s real estate business too. Both of them seemed to work together pretty well, having balanced their careers in a unique way that I’ve honestly never seen before. She would organize art shows where his clients would show up, and he would decorate open houses with her work to draw them in. It was perfect.
Just as I was finished marveling at the oak wood floors of the tremendous interior, Janelle quickly pulled me aside and shoved a piece of gum and a bottle of perfume into my sweaty hand. I almost forgot that we still reeked of booze and weed from the car ride. She had told me enough horror stories about getting caught before from when she was younger, so at least one of us remembered.
“Hello?” I heard her mom call from upstairs. “Janelle, are you back?”
“Shit!” Amanda gasped, frantically popping a Dentyne in her mouth.
“Hurry up you guys!” Tasha snapped. Janelle tore the bottle of perfume back out of my hand just as I finished, and we heard her mom moving for the stairs.
“All of you just say hi and head straight up to my room,” my cousin insisted. “Don’t stick around or-” the sound of my bag clunking to the floor cut her off. I couldn’t stop shaking when I was nervous, so it’s not like it was completely my fault.
“Sorry,” I breathed, flashing her an innocent look.
“Jesus Christ, you have to ruin everything? Oh, hi Mom!” she smiled, her expression instantly changing as her eyes turned to the top of the stairs.
“Hey, you made it!” my Aunt Sarah exclaimed. She was wearing a tattered old shirt and jeans splattered with oil paints, and her hands were pretty much the same. “Kelsey, you’ve grown! It’s so good to see you again,” she said, moving in to give me a kiss on the cheek. “I’d give you guys a hug, but I’ve been working. Are you hungry at all, you want a sandwich or something?”
“No, I’m good,” I smiled thinly. She was already giving me that strange look of intolerance as Tasha and Amanda shook their heads.
“Alright, well I’m gonna go clean up. There’s pasta in the fridge if you guys change your minds. I won’t be long and then I’ll get you settled, okay?”
“Mom,” Janelle laughed, pulling her mother aside, “remember what I told you about tonight? I’ll take care of it. We’re gonna be leaving soon anyway, and we’ll be out of your paint-stained hair. You got a few matted bits going on.”
“Oh god, it’s in my hair again?” Aunt Sarah sighed, picking through a few strands. “I was wearing my old hat too. Ugh! Alright, well you guys can head on up if you want. My purse is on the ledge, you can take a couple hundred on your way out. Just promise me you won’t get too crazy this time?”
Janelle flashed her an innocent smile. “I got it all under control, Mom.” Aunt Sarah wasn’t amused.
“Jan, I lived through the nineties and I used to give your grandmother the same look you’re giving me right now before I went off to do something stupid. I mean it this time. No hard drugs. I might not like the weed, but I don’t see the harm. No pills, no huffing, no cocaine, no crack pipes-”
“Oh my god Mom!” she protested.
“You remember the artwork I trashed a few years ago that I wouldn’t let anybody see? I did that under detox before I got pregnant with you. I’m serious. All it takes is one time, and-”
“You can stop now,” Janelle cut her off, crossing her arms. Aunt Sarah just shook her head.
“I want you back here no later than one in the afternoon, you understand?” If looks could kill, she definitely had it down.
“Yes, I promise,” my cousin sighed. Her mom kissed her forehead.
“Good girl. I’ll leave you guys to it.”
With that, she left to go back upstairs and an awkward silence filled the room as we all glanced at each other, wondering what to do next. Janelle looked troubled, the kind where you have something really crazy planned for the night and suddenly your parents know all about it, yet they still let you go as a test of how much they can trust you. I guess the weight of it was too much for her to bear, but she brushed it off after a few seconds.
“Sorry about that,” she rolled her eyes. Tasha had whipped out her phone in case she needed to call up the boys to tell them we weren’t coming, then shoved it back in her purse when she realized Janelle had no intention of wrecking our night.
“We’re still on, right?”
“Of course we’re still on, stupid!” she retorted, pushing past her and heading for the stairs. “You guys coming or not?”
“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Amanda protested. “I mean…she knows.”
“So what!” Janelle snapped. “We’re going out and we’re gonna have a good time. Is that a crime or something?”
We all reluctantly followed her up the stairs to her room in uncertainty of the night ahead. I’d never known my cousin to take something so hard, but then again I hadn’t exactly been around to see how much she fought with her mom. Janelle usually seemed happy since I’d known her, always smiling and cheering up everyone around her. That night though, I was about to find out just how bad things were.
We had been getting ready for about an hour, trying on different outfits and experimenting with every shade of MAC eye shadow she had stuffed in her drawers until she went to change into the shortest skirt she had left. Janelle turned toward us as she slipped it on, and that’s when I noticed an array of visible dark scars lining all up her inner thighs, mixed in with what looked like fresh cuts that were scabbing over. I guessed she had done it in the past couple days.
A gasp left my throat. I knew it was really none of my business to be asking, so I just looked away for the few seconds it took her to squeeze on the skirt and adjust it properly on her hips. She flashed me a brief smile before pulling on a black tank and flipping her hair. Suddenly, I didn’t feel I could hold my tongue any longer. My gaze fell serious, and she knew what I had seen.
“Janelle…can I talk to you a second?”
“Sure, what’s wrong?” She had turned to stare into the mirror, fixing her eyeliner. I approached her cautiously, resting a hand on her back before gathering up the courage.
“I just need to talk to you alone, okay?”
“Alright,” she whispered. “Scram, guys.” Tasha and Amanda got up to leave as
I backed away from her, waiting until the door closed behind them. I knew they were probably standing with their ear against the door like most girls do, but I didn’t really care at that point. I was too worried not to say anything.
“What are you doing to yourself?” I asked.
She shot me a dirty look. “Stay out of it. I’m fine…I just ran out of antidepressants, okay?”
“Janelle, I’m just worried about-”
“Don’t!” she cut me off. “Look, it’s not something you’d understand. Mom flies off the wall and goes nuts when her artwork isn’t perfect. Her and Dad have been fighting a lot because of some shit she found out that happened when I was a kid. You see the way she looks at you, and I think that’s really enough.”
I suddenly felt my chest tighten. “W-What are you talking about?”
“Baby girl,” she sighed, looking into my eyes and running a hand over my cheek. “I wasn’t going to tell you, but I don’t think it’s that hard to figure out. I mean, I didn’t just bring you here because I thought it would be fun. I brought you here because I want my sister.”
“Sister, what? No…” I gasped, backing away. “I don’t get it.”
“I don’t either,” she breathed, grabbing a big bottle of Jack from the side of her bed. “Wash it down with some whiskey?” She opened her bottom dresser drawer and grabbed two shot glasses, pouring us each a drink. “Suffice to say that my dad’s not exactly a model father,” she said. “Cheers.” As she handed me the glass, we clinked them together, downing the shots. When I took a quick glance to see what else she had hidden in the back of the drawer, my eyes went straight to the painkillers and Prozac.
“I just got those yesterday,” she admitted. “Been addicted for a good while.”
“Janelle, what about your legs?”
“What about ‘em? Look, I only do it when I can’t get my pills soon enough, okay? It’s not like it’s a habit. Trust me Kelsey, I got this under control.” She poured us another shot.
“This is what you call control?” I laughed.
“You don’t know how lucky you are,” she insisted. “I’m sorry if coming out here for good isn’t what you want. I know it’s kinda selfish of me, but…I guess I just always thought that things might be better for once if you stayed.”
“How do I make anything better? Jan, this is some serious shit-”
“I know!” she cut me off, taking a deep breath to choke back the tears. “And I’m sorry you had to see that. This, my legs…I’m not proud of it, okay? Look, please just do me a favor and think about staying? Please? It’d mean the world to me,” she begged.
“I told you I would,” I said sincerely. I couldn’t believe I was actually starting to consider it, but the things she told me about her dad got me interested. “So about what you were saying before…you think it’s true?”
“Honey, I know it’s true. We probably have about a dozen other bastard siblings,” she sighed, downing another shot of whiskey. I did the same and she took the liberty of pouring yet another, tossing me a cigarette in the process. “The only reason my mom puts up with his shit is for the money so she can show off to all her friends. That’s about it.”
I knew that in some way I should have been freaking out, maybe running downstairs to grab my cell off the counter so I could dial my parents and scream at them for never telling me, but the truth was that it wouldn’t have done much good. My life felt meaningless either way. If I wasn’t in party mode before, I definitely wanted to be now. Uncle Todd was my father, and I guess I’d always suspected something wasn’t right with my mom every time they came to visit.
She would hole herself up in her room, pretend she was sick or whatever while Dad and his brother watched the TV all day and night like it wasn’t even a thing. I guess when all you can do is argue, you need something to keep you grounded. And suddenly it all made sense why I looked a lot more like Janelle than Seth, though I guess being a rapist tends to run in the family. My Uncle Todd and Dad looked almost nothing alike either since they were only half-brothers too, and my grandma was never much of the sociable type.
After a good while of bonding, Jan and I were laughing so hard that we’d almost forgot about Tasha and Amanda waiting outside the door. They glared furiously at us when I finally let them back in, but we were too drunk by then to really care. Never mind the fact that it was already a little past 8:30 p.m. and we had barely half-an-hour before we had to be down at the club to meet the guys.
“Okay, take a breather,” Janelle said, adjusting her hair and hiking up her skirt just enough. “How do I look walking in a straight line?” She had just shoved on some new heels and proceeded to wobble around.
“Take those stupid things off, you’ll cut your circulation!” Tasha giggled.
“Ugh, they’re too small!” she raged. “I don’t have any other heels that fit!”
“Wait a sec,” I smiled. “If our feet are still the same size as when I saw you last, I brought an extra pair in my bag.”
“You’re a lifesaver!” she exclaimed, pulling me into a hug after trying them on. I was surprised they fit almost perfect. “And they match my outfit great! You see why I want you here? It’d be so kickass. We could wear each other’s clothes, trade shoes, live out our crazy lives together, you don’t have to be dirty anymore…unless you really want to go there. I certainly won’t complain,” she smiled, kissing me on the lips. Tasha rolled her eyes.
“Come on, you morons! Traffic’s tight downtown and you know I hate driving in that shit. And the boys are waiting for us.”
“Lala, la, la, la…warm it up, the boys are waiting!” Janelle sang, laughing hysterically as she started dancing with me.
“That’s totally not how it goes!” I chuckled.
“You know what, fine!” Tasha yelled. “I’ll be in the car and you guys better have your asses down there in five minutes. You puke on my seats, I’ll kill you. Let’s go Amanda.”
“Wait, let me do a shot for the road,” she insisted.
“You people are hopeless,” Tasha sighed, plopping back down on the bed.
After several more minutes of stumbling around like total idiots, we were finally able to calm down enough to be somewhat rational. Janelle wasn’t quite as gone as I was, and she remembered to take a couple hundreds out of her mom’s purse while Amanda helped me down the stairs. I couldn’t even remember when we got there by then, and honestly I would probably have been better off just lying down somewhere. Luckily, Tasha’s back seat had enough room so I could lay across Janelle.
The elevator ride down to the parking lot made me so dizzy I wanted to puke, but I turned out okay by some miracle. Tasha made a huge deal out of it and suggested I induce it myself or else she wasn’t going to leave, so I vomited out as much as I could and started feeling better for the ride.
As the city lights flew by, I couldn’t stop thinking about the family secrets Janelle had shared with me. Memories of childhood started flooding my mind, forcing me to analyze every single time I could remember Uncle Todd and my mom being in the same room together. Admittedly there weren’t too many, and that was probably a good thing. The entire thought of it disgusted me. I hated seeing my mom upset about anything other than me or Seth misbehaving. I also had to wonder how the whole thing affected her relationship with my dad. Did he even know? I knew they fought every time Todd and Sarah would come to visit, but I was never really sure what it was about because they’d just run into their bedroom and shut the door.
Seth and I would wait out in the hallway for them to finish, sometimes sliding down against the wall and holding each other until the silence came, meaning things had been resolved. And silence was good. Silence felt safe. I got the feeling that Seth might have known something back then that he hadn’t told me because he knew it would be too painful. Can’t say I was angry though, I actually came to appreciate it later on.
But the entire thing had only felt worse coming from Janelle. I hated having to b
ury anything inside the way she did. I mean seriously, look at how she was handling it. If that’s how I turned out, then there was really no hope for me in life anymore, to say nothing of actually living together. No, I thought to myself. I knew better than that. Far better. My initial reaction had been right, and I was going to stick with that. Janelle and I were simply too different to stay together, because at the heart of it all, I knew that her and her friends were poison for me. God love her, but she was absolute poison, and so was the way she dealt with things.
The alcohol and other crap had already rubbed off on me, and I wasn’t about to let her snarky, stuck-up lifestyle do the same. I had people back home who cared about me. There was Seth, my mom, my (sort of) dad, and my cat. And Hux of course, the cute country boy who couldn’t possibly be compared to any guys from Jackson. Sure they were gorgeous, college-educated, probably a hell of a lot more well-off than me or anyone else from Kentsburg. But if there was ever a fight? Mark Huxley would win, hands down.
For now though, I tried not to dwell on it and decided to focus my attention on just having fun. That’s why I was in the city after all, and I didn’t have to tell anyone what went on. Not even Seth knew what I was up to besides the note I’d left him on the kitchen counter, and I was sure he’d do okay for the few days I’d be away. I had no idea what would happen, and the prospect of it all was thrilling at the time.
As Janelle slipped me a half-tab of X with a bottle of water to get the night rolling, our conversations again shifted back to the same old meaningless shit and didn’t really stop until we found ourselves going back to the hotel with a couple boys from MC law school almost two hours later. They were nice, clean guys who behaved themselves and hadn’t made any crazy moves on us, so we felt safe. Little did we know that over the course of the next hour, no one in the entire city would be safe.