Victoria stepped in and thanked Amber for sharing her story. “Are there any questions?” Victoria asked the audience. There were a few long moments when no one moved or said anything. Amber felt herself wanting to fidget, but a girl in the front row raised her hand. “How can we see if someone is planning to commit suicide?”
“That is a great question. I can share some typical signs to watch out for,” Victoria said. “If one of your friends starts behaving differently, showing signs of depression and deep sadness, or even sudden euphoria, that’s a sign. If your friend starts talking about suicide and is researching it, ask them why. If they give away their possessions and say things like ‘I don’t need it anymore,’ that’s a red flag. If they write about death or do art that expresses death, be concerned. And of course, if they say goodbye in a post or in person, always tell an adult right away.”
A boy from the back of the room raised his hand with a question. “What is the most common way of committing suicide?”
Amber could see Victoria pause for a while. “Why do you want to know… are you doing research?” She smiled at him and got a smile back. The crowd started laughing.
“I can tell you this much. Girls are more likely to attempt suicide than boys, and boys are more likely to use dangerous methods and thereby succeed. Poisoning, suffocation, and use of firearms are the most common ways of committing suicide, and some of these methods are rather thoughtless toward the people finding the victim. Imagine a younger brother finding his sister hanging from the ceiling fan or his brother shot, with blood on the wall.”
Amber looked at Victoria. The graphic language was a bit too much for Amber’s taste, but the audience seemed to get the point, and many of them nodded. A girl raised her hand and looked at Amber. “Do you regret it, and what would you have done differently today?”
“Yes, I regret it! I don’t think I really understood that suicide doesn’t stop the pain, it just gives it to someone else. Knowing what I know now, I would have asked for help. It was a desperate decision, and I don’t believe I ever really wanted to die. I just wanted my emotional pain to stop.”
Victoria joined in. “No one should throw their lives away, and if you need someone to talk to, you can always talk to the school counselor or call a suicide hotline.” The students started to murmur among themselves as Amber and Victoria’s allotted time drew to an end. “Thank you all for listening,” Victoria said. “We hope to have informed and inspired you all to always choose life and be kind to one another.”
The students clapped, and Victoria took Amber’s hand as they watched the kids walk out of the cafeteria. A teacher and the principal of the school came over. “Thank you, girls, you did really well!” the teacher said, and the principal put her arm around Amber’s shoulders.
“I am so glad you survived and chose to share your story with our kids today. It is a brave thing to do, and it shows what an amazing person you are. Would you mind if I give your number to a few principal colleagues? Maybe they could use a visit at their school too.”
Amber could feel tears in her eyes and was overwhelmed by the empathy and kindness radiating from the principal. “Thank you,” she replied, touched and humbled. A group of kids approached Amber and Victoria and started to share their thanks and thoughts on suicide and bullying.
When Amber and Victoria finally walked to the car, they couldn’t help feeling high from joy. They had actually done it, and no one had laughed at them or made fun of them. It had been one of the scariest things that Amber had ever done, but she was ready to do it again – anytime. She felt exhilarated by the feeling of personal growth and contribution that flushed through her body. “I was way out of my comfort zone in the beginning, but as soon as I could see them paying attention and listening, I completely forgot about myself… it was soooo freaking cool.” Amber’s eyes were glowing.
Victoria stopped to hug Amber, “You rocked, girl.”
“Amber.” Amber turned around to see who was calling her name. She saw a young girl standing behind her, looking very pale and fragile, with sad eyes and a pretty face. “This is for you.” She handed a note to Amber. “I won’t need it anymore. Thank you.” There was a vague smile and then she turned around to run back to her classmates.
Victoria called to her from the car. “Come on, Amber. If we hurry, I can make my basketball training. I’ll drop you off on my way back to school.” Amber put the note in her pocket and got in the car.
When she got home, she called everyone: Benjamin, her mom, her dad, Sara, and even her grandmother. She was so proud and excited about the talk and wanted to share her happiness with everyone. When she hung up from her last call, she had a big smile on her lips. She felt so alive as she went through everything in her mind: the questions, the response from the teacher and the principal, and the chats she’d had with the students afterwards.
Suddenly, she remembered the girl from the parking lot, and she pulled up the note from her pocket.
Dear Mom and Dad,
My heart is broken and it can never be healed again!
I have tried and tried to stay positive as you always tell me to, but I have no strength left to think happy thoughts anymore. I feel all alone and cry all the time. This is not a life.
I want you to know that it’s not your fault, I just don’t fit in here and have no friends left, everyone hates me!
Please forgive me for leaving you. I will always love you.
Carmen
Amber read the note over and over again. It gave her chills and made her eyes water. This was a letter she herself could have written not so long ago. This girl was in so much pain and was actually considering suicide. I have to do something, Amber thought and started going over her options, but she remembered what the girl had said. “I won’t need it anymore.”
Tears started running down Amber’s cheeks as she thought about what would have happened if Victoria hadn’t pushed her to follow through with her talk today. A thought made her heart freeze. What if someone else is thinking about suicide right now, but no one comes to their school? She picked up her cell and wrote to Victoria, “Which school is the next? Call me, we have a mission!”
Everything seemed to click inside Amber. It all made sense now. Her devastation and suicide attempt were part of a bigger plan, she thought as she looked up towards the sky. She closed her eyes and said to herself, I want to spread hope and wisdom among kids. I am here to help. Amber had never seen herself as religious, but in this moment she felt spiritually connected to all young people caught in “hell” on earth – the place she’d been lucky enough to escape from. She envisioned her inner warrior putting on a set of armor and standing up for a crusade to spread light in dark places.
CHAPTER 32
Christmas
“I can’t believe it’s Christmas in only two weeks.” Benjamin emptied his can of Coke and looked at Amber and Sara, who were finishing their lunch in the school cafeteria.
“I know. It seems like we just started school, right?”
Ben rolled his eyes “Are you kidding me, Sara? You and school!”
“So, Amber, have you bought all your Christmas presents yet?” Sara said to change the subject.
“Sort of. I just need a small thing for you.” Amber grinned. “I was thinking of a piano lesson. After all, you seem to really like your piano teacher!”
Sara laughed. “No, thank you, I’m good.” Thoughts of the confusing afternoon sitting so close to Joshua for the first time made her smile as if she was thinking of a private joke.
Benjamin effectively brought her back to the now when he jumped up. “Come on, soldiers, it’s time to go.” He had them marching out the cafeteria pretending to be a sergeant commanding his soldiers to move, which had Sara and Amber in fits.
“Hey, guys.” Joshua came from behind and caught up with them. “What’s so funny?”
“Oh, nothing, it’s just Ben having fun as always.” Sara smiled at Joshua and noticed a group of girls follow
ing him closely with their eyes. Her expression instantly hardened, and it made Joshua follow the direction of her eyes. “Don’t worry about them, Sara.” He tried to distract her.
“Why would I be worried?” Sara looked confident and took his hand. It was the first time ever that she had done that at school, and Joshua met her eyes with a surprised expression. His eyes continued down to their hands. It was like he couldn’t believe this was actually happening, after all the arguments about his feeling rejected by her at school. He felt a wave of joy coming over him and knew this was a huge step for Sara. He squeezed her hand, and she squeezed back. “So, I was thinking, Josh, what do you want for Christmas?” Sara smiled.
Joshua turned his head and looked at Sara. “You know what I want. Time with you and a record deal, that’s all I’m asking for.”
Sara chuckled. “Yes, I know, you are a very modest guy.” She knew Joshua and the guys had finally heard back from the talent scout. He had praised their style and their performance but had not offered them the record deal. After waiting so long for the answer, they had already figured it out, for the most part.
“So, I was thinking you could come over to my house on the weekend and eat dinner with us. My parents would like to meet you. It would just be a nice family dinner.
Joshua suddenly had a Christmas sparkle in his eyes. “I would love to.”
“Great.” Sara felt relieved that Joshua sounded almost excited about meeting her parents. Hopefully they wouldn’t be too embarrassing. The two minutes Joshua got to hold Sara’s hand, before they had to split up and go to different classes, was a rush for him. No more keeping it low and holding back; they were a couple now, and she was finally ready to tell the world. This was huge!
* * * * *
On Sunday evening, Joshua found himself eating dinner with the Singh family.
Sara’s mom was a beautiful woman with light skin like her daughter, and he could see where Sara got her looks. She had prepared a traditional Indian dish and encouraged him to eat several times. Sara’s father was an engineer in the aviation industry and seemed very bright. Joshua wondered if he had a photographic memory like Sara. Both of her parents had the most wonderful Indian accents, even though they had been in America for many years.
Her two younger twin brothers kept asking Joshua about the band and wanted their parents to let them go to a concert with TUA.
“You are too young.” Their father shut them down and turned to Joshua. “So, what are your plans after high school?”
Joshua was a bit nervous and wanted to make a good impression. “I am not sure, sir; I have applied for some different universities and am waiting for replies. I would, however, like to dedicate a year to playing music and touring with the band.”
Sara’s father nodded. “Interesting… what do your parents do?”
“My dad is a judge, and my mom is a lawyer.” This was one of the few situations in which he felt happy they had prestigious titles. He knew Sara’s father would be pleased.
“Oh, that sounds like a lot of work.” Sara’s mother passed around her homemade Naan bread and smiled at Joshua.
“It is! They do work a lot.” Joshua took a piece of bread and smiled at Sara’s mom.
“But I am confused about your ethnicity.” Sara’s father looked with curiosity at Joshua.
Sara squealed uncomfortably in her chair and gave her dad a look of embarrassment.
“What? I am just saying I’m confused.” Sara’s father lifted his hand to signal his confusion.
Joshua smiled. “That’s quite all right, sir. It’s because I am a bit of a mix. My father was adopted and came to America as an infant, but his biological parents were an African-American father and a Vietnamese mother.“
Sara’s father nodded. “Okay, and your mother?”
“My mother is white.” Joshua smiled politely.
Sara’s mother looked at Sara with humor in her eyes. “I always thought mixed races are the most beautiful ones.”
Sara felt like dying. She was utterly embarrassed by her parents for interrogating Joshua like this, and they were completely ignorant about the fact that discussions of race were taboo among Americans.
When they were finally done with the meal, Sara asked Joshua, “Would you like to see my room?”
“Sure, that would be fun. Thank you for this lovely meal, Mrs. Singh.” Joshua smiled at Sara’s mother, who was clearly smitten with his charm and good looks.
“You’re welcome, Joshua.” She turned to Sara. “I will come up with some tea in a minute, and remember what we agreed.”
“Yes, Mom, we will leave the door open.” Sara rolled her eyes when she was sure her mom couldn’t see her.
* * * * *
Sara’s room was nothing like Joshua had imagined.
“Really? What did you expect, then?”
“I don’t know. I think I had this image of pictures of Albert Einstein and other geniuses on your walls, and science equipment and tons of books, I guess.” He looked around and Sara followed his eyes as he took in the atmosphere and details of her room.
“Do you like it?”
“Yes. I like it a lot. It’s much more cozy and girlish than I had expected.”
Sara’s room had an abundance of warm colors. She had beautiful Indian patterned textiles as bedding and pillows. From the ceiling hung silk drapes, making her bed romantic and almost royal in a way. “This is very exotic… so different from any of my friends’ rooms.” Joshua looked around. She had so many interesting things, like sticks of incense and figures of Indian goddesses. Joshua picked up a figure of a four-armed goddess playing some sort of guitar.
“Who is this?”
“That is Saraswati. I was named Sarada after her.” Joshua turned the figure in his hands and looked at Sara. “Why would your parents name you after a four-armed woman?”
Sara laughed. “Saraswati is no ordinary woman, Josh. She is the Hindu goddess of knowledge and arts. She represents the free flow of wisdom and consciousness.”
“Cool! I wish I had four arms to play the bass sometimes.” Joshua smiled.
“It’s not a bass or a guitar,” Sara smiled at Joshua and thought it was sweet of him to take interest in her Indian culture. “It’s called a veena, and with that she plays the music of love and life.”
“Is that why she has four hands?”
“No. Her four hands represent the four aspects of learning: mind, intellect, alertness, and ego.”
“Well, I see why you would pick her to be in your room. You two have a lot in common.” Joshua smiled.
“Despite the fact that I don’t have four arms, and I’m not a goddess.” Sara put down the figure.
“To me, you are.” Joshua looked at Sara with his beaming, beautiful eyes.
Sara returned his look with love in her eyes. “Thank you, Josh.”
Just as Joshua was leaning over to kiss Sara, her mom came in with tea and biscuits on a tray. She was chattering about chai tea and mint tea, and Joshua smiled at her the whole time.
When she left the room, she said a few words in what Josh guessed was Hindi, and Sara answered back with a short “Okay.”
“What did she say to you?” Joshua asked.
Sara looked apologetic. “She just reminded me that they trust me to keep a distance and not to fool around with you.”
Joshua laughed and looked to the open door. No wonder Sara was so innocent and careful. She was living a protected life, and he understood how big it was for her to invite him over.
“Are your parents cool with me being here?”
“They are trying hard to accept the American lifestyle, and they allow me to have a social life of my own choice.”
“So how do you think I did down there?”
“You did good, but I think they would have preferred to meet your parents and see bank statements and criminal records as well.” Sara smiled. “They are just very concerned parents who want to be sure I marry the right man.”
/> Joshua almost choked on his tea. He got all pale and looked at Sara with big eyes.
“Marry?”
Sara looked at him with an innocent smile “Yes, marry.”
“But we are so young!” Sara could see Joshua try to stay cool.
“So? My mom was eighteen when she married my father, and she was nineteen when she had me.”
Joshua’s mouth got all dry. This evening had certainly taken an unexpected turn, and he felt completely overwhelmed by the situation.
“Don’t you want to marry me, Josh?” Sara looked at him with a sweet smile and suddenly he noticed a humorous twinkle in her eye.
“Sara, are you messing with me?” Joshua asked with a hopeful expression.
She started laughing and threw a pillow at him. “You are so easy, Joshua.”
He looked at her with awe. She sure was a completely different person when she was in her comfort zone.
“Christ, Sara. You scared the shit out of me.”
She giggled and pointed to him. “You should have seen your face.”
Joshua felt warm inside. Here he was in Sara’s room, approved by her parents and getting to know new sides of her. He leaned over and grabbed her hand. “If your parents weren’t downstairs, I would wipe that grin off your face by kissing you all night.”
“About that… I was thinking about New Year’s Eve; would you like to spend it with me?”
“My parents invited me to New York to celebrate with them,” Joshua answered.
Sara pouted a bit. “Oh, I see.”
Joshua looked at her. “If you think that I am going to New York with my parents instead of spending New Year’s Eve with my girlfriend, then the rumors of your smartness must be wildly exaggerated.”
Sara lit up in a big smile. “So you won’t go to New York, then?”
“No, of course I won’t go. I will stay home and celebrate New Year’s with you.” Joshua smiled from ear to ear.
“Awesome! The Queenies are having a party, and I would love for us to go together.”
“Perfect. If you want to, you can spend the night at my place, since my parents will be out of town.”