“And you?” He looked at her with a hopeful expression.
“I don’t know… I have to think about it. Is that okay?” She said it slowly, examining him, as if she was seeing him for the first time. He leaned over and kissed her again. “Maybe we could spend some time together while you think about it?”
“Yeah, I think I would like that.” Elizabeth smiled before she turned around and walked away.
Jack closed his eyes. Most perfect day ever!
CHAPTER 30
Free falling
The next week went by painfully slowly for the band members. Kevin even started biting his nails again as they waited to hear from Bryan from Devine Records. Joshua constantly checked his phone, but nothing happened, and by Friday, they were wrecks.
“Why don’t you just call him?” Elizabeth asked at lunch, and received only sighs and moaning in return. “Honestly, guys, I don’t even recognize the rock kings from last weekend. It’s really not the end of the world. You can just spread a video on YouTube and put it out there for people to enjoy, couldn’t you?
“Yeah, but we wouldn’t make any money on that, would we?” Kevin snapped at Elizabeth, but she calmly replied.
“You know, if you are only in it for the money, it’s never going to bring you any long-term joy anyway. You guys have a gift to share, and you don’t need a record company to do that. Make a video and put it on YouTube. Send your demos to all the radio stations. Use your imagination and make it about you sharing your gift and not about getting rich and famous.”
The four band members looked at Elizabeth and then at each other. “We should totally do that,” Dylan exclaimed and Kevin interrupted.
“I know someone who could help us film it, and we could probably find some hot chicks at school to be in the video, too.”
Elizabeth smiled as the four guys chatted and discussed their new plans. When she walked away from the table, her eyes met Jack’s, and she nodded to him and mouthed the words “I’ll call you.” He smiled and returned to the brainstorming.
* * * * *
Laura saw Jack sitting with his band, but they had an unspoken agreement not to get in each other’s way at school, so she passed without even a nod.
Laura was feeling uncomfortable; she was sweating, and her heart raced. She wondered if it was due to the pills or the pressure she was under. She felt more irritated; everyone seemed to be getting on her nerves. I thought the pills were supposed to make Jack less irritable, she thought, and suddenly she felt a brief moment of sympathy for her brother. Jack had seemed different lately, happier and less on her back. She reckoned it was the chance of a record deal that had mellowed him out at home.
Laura didn’t have a positive outlook about anything. She was filled with feelings of inadequacy and frustration. Every day, she felt angrier with Sara. Seeing her pretty little face in school was torture, and it brought out the worst in Laura. After slamming the door in her face, she had thought about Sara a lot. She wondered what Joshua saw in her, and she wondered what Sara had told him about her. Laura did everything she could to be cold to Sara, and she would completely ignore her at school unless she had something really mean to say.
Sometimes Laura got mad at herself for letting Sara get on her nerves. She was smart enough to know that she was acting out of jealousy, and yet she couldn’t help but do it again and again, when waves of pure hatred came over her. It was obvious that Sara kept a low profile around Laura. Rationally, Laura knew that she was being a jerk to Sara, but she hated how easy Sara’s life seemed. And with all the anger growing inside of her, it felt good to have a place to direct it.
Laura’s mind wandered back to an incident that had taken place the day before. She had passed Sara on the way out of English class and had pushed her with her shoulder, which almost made Sara trip. Laura had simply laughed at Sara’s hurt expression, but as Sara walked away Laura noticed Victoria running after Sara and saying something to her. It bothered Laura that Victoria took Sara’s side, and it bothered her that Victoria had returned with reproachful eyes.
“What did you say to her?” Laura asked.
“I just told her not to attend every fight she is invited to,” Victoria said.
“What is that supposed to mean?” Laura said with a mocking tone.
“It means that we are all either a warning or an inspiration to people around us, and you just gave her the opportunity to inspire others.”
Laura got a hard knot in her stomach. “Is that so? In what way, Vic?” Laura had raised her voice, and she could feel other kids paying attention to their discussion.
“By not reciprocating your abuse.” The word “abuse” coming from Victoria’s mouth cut a hole in Laura’s heart. She had never seen herself as an abusive person; she thought of herself as the victim, taking endless abuse from her brother Jack.
“Sara is no inspiration; she is just too weak to stand up for herself.” Laura tried to act indifferent to Victoria’s words and distance herself from what she felt for Victoria.
“You are wrong, Laura!” Victoria had authority in her voice now, and she seemed unaware of the group of students that surrounded them now.
“It takes courage and strength to go to school and meet people who behave like you. Getting out of bed and being able to focus on your grades while people are whispering about you and you get personally attacked again and again is an accomplishment. I salute Sara for putting up with your behavior day in and day out.” Victoria looked Laura straight in the eyes.
“So why don’t you just say that you hate me, Vic, and go run off to your little precious friend Sara.” Laura was close to shouting, and couldn’t believe Victoria could reject and humiliate her like this.
Victoria took a step closer to Laura. “Don’t you get it, Laura? I’ve always liked you! I just don’t like the way you behave towards Sara, and I care enough about you to tell you so.”
“Whatever!” Laura turned away from Victoria dismissively and made her way through the students surrounding them. She didn’t have to take this from anyone, not even a good old friend like Victoria.
Laura gathered her thoughts again and tried not to think about the episode from yesterday. She was torn between rational thinking and emotional distress, and pushed all thoughts of Victoria’s harsh words away. She went to her locker and found some pills she had hidden in a pencil box. Discreetly, she counted fifteen and took one. How am I going to get more when they are gone? I can’t keep stealing Jack’s pills, she thought and wondered how many pills she could take from him without him noticing.
I will have to buy some pills, she realized, and got chills. She had heard the rumors and knew it was easy to get drugs at school. There were students selling it, and she also knew of other kids who used Ritalin to survive the homework pressure. Getting medication is not like taking drugs, she convinced herself.
The following week, Laura could see her stack of pills going down, and she started asking around discreetly at school to find new supplies. She was surprised by how easy it was, and that the student selling them was someone she would never have suspected to be involved in that sort of thing. The pills worked, and she felt more focused and able to study. She didn’t need as much sleep as before, and even when she did go to bed at a decent hour, she couldn’t sleep anyway. She had read online that insomnia was a common side effect, and she found herself up late at night, restless and wide awake. She went downstairs to get some water and was surprised to find Jack in the kitchen. “What are you doing here?” she asked.
“Couldn’t sleep… like you, I guess.” Jack replied in an almost-friendly tone.
“How is school?” she asked to make conversation while she got her water.
“Fine… or… you know.”
Laura nodded “Yeah, I know.”
“And you… how is school for you?” Jack sounded as if he was genuinely interested, and Laura couldn’t believe that they were actually having a real conversation.
“Not so good,?
?? she said and wondered why she had just told him that.
“Really? That’s a first… what’s going on?” Jack was surprised by her honesty with him.
Laura sat down in front of Jack and looked at him. She had been carrying the burden for so long. “Do you really want to know?” she said slowly. He nodded and she told him about the burden of homework, her anxiety, her fear of disappointing their parents, her C on the math test and how she had hidden the test from their parents. She didn’t tell him about the pills or Sara but looked at him, as if awaiting judgment.
“Damn, Sis, and I thought I was the troubled kid in this family!” Jack looked at her with sympathy. Laura’s eyes watered. She was not used to any kindness from Jack, and seeing him look sorry for her amplified how screwed-up her situation was. “Don’t tell Mom and Dad, all right?”
He nodded “All right, I won’t, but you have to go to sleep and get some rest.”
Laura got up and dried her tears away. She suddenly felt completely drained, like a balloon that had been popped. She felt a little lighter after talking to Jack, and she quickly fell asleep in her bed.
* * * * *
Jack had not expected to have a conversation about his sister’s worries in the middle of the night. It was a surprise to him that she was so miserable, and he actually felt sorry for her. Somehow, his anger towards Laura had dampened over the last month. He wondered if Elizabeth had anything to do with it.
Not that they had spoken much about Laura, but Elizabeth seemed to inspire him to always look for the best in people. It was just who she was, and he had teased her about it once.
“Don’t you ever gossip about people or trash them?”
Elizabeth had taken his question more seriously than it was meant, answering, “You know, Jack, I used to do that when I was younger, because I didn’t know any better, but I found that when I was looking for the worst in people, it became all I could see… my mom challenged me to always search for the beauty in others. When I started doing that, I became blinded by the greatness of people around me. You should try it sometime.”
“I don’t know. Seems a bit naive to me. It’s like you don’t even see people for who they are sometimes.”
Elizabeth smiled at him. “What do you mean?”
“Well, you always look for the best intentions with people, but sometimes, people are just evil and greedy and don’t have good intentions.”
“Interesting point.” Elizabeth looked like she was thinking before she spoke. “I challenge you to try to think positive thoughts for a week.” She smiled at him with that gentle, loving smile he was so attracted to. “Putting people down is not hard, and anyone can do it… would you agree?”
“I’m not so sure.” Jack raised his eyebrows. “I strongly doubt the Queenies can do it. You and your sister are both way too nice to be mean to anyone.”
“Hmmm, I don’t know about that, Jack; nobody’s perfect. But in general, I would like to think that you are right. Anyway, building people up gives you much more joy and fulfillment, long-term.”
Even though Jack had just laughed and never actually committed to Elizabeth’s challenge, he found himself constantly trying to push away the judgmental and harsh thoughts that he was thinking about others. He found himself trying to focus on good things instead. It was hard, but he felt a million times better about himself, and he realized that he could have never had this unexpected conversation with his sister if he hadn’t practiced his skills of staying positive and open. Jack was grateful for Elizabeth’s influence and the way she had already affected his life. He liked being this new Jack and felt good about himself for a change. As he walked past his sister’s room on his way to bed, he put his head against her door and listened. He couldn’t hear a sound and hoped she was sleeping tight. Little Miss Perfect’s life wasn’t so perfect after all. Who would have thought?
CHAPTER 31
The talk
“When is the talk?” Marie was excited about the news that Amber had just shared with her.
“This Thursday, and I’m both scared and excited about it.”
“Great, Amber. I know you will do fine… how many kids are coming again?”
“Well, we are talking to the eighth graders at Vic’s old school, so I guess around sixty or seventy students…”
“So do you have your talk figured out?”
“Yes, and Vic and I went over it a few times yesterday, but you said you would give me a few tips about speaking.”
“You’re right, I did. The first thing I will say is that the kids won’t be able to remember any statistics or heavy information you give them, so you have to talk to their hearts to get to them.”
“How do I do that?” Amber looked confused.
“If you use stories, they will remember how you made them feel. You can use your story; it’s the most powerful tool you have to make them care and remember.”
“Okay.”
“Also, remember your focus: it’s not about you, it’s about them!”
Amber nodded.
“Also, your intro is important. If you can be one hundred percent certain about your intro, you will get a good start and come across calm and relaxed. That is very important.”
“Okay.” Amber took a few notes.
“The last tip I will give you today is the five-second rule. Do you know it?”
Amber shook her head. “No.”
“Okay, then. Let me explain. When you are in front of an audience, you need to know where to look. Do you look above their heads, in between their heads, or do you look at every one of them individually? Often, speakers are scared of looking at the audience, and that’s not good, because then your audience won’t connect with you.” Marie paused. “But then again, some speakers want to reach everyone in their audience, so their eyes sweep over the crowd. That’s not good either, because it will make you look almost manic. The five-second rule means that you lock in on someone and then you speak to that person for five seconds. It may sound easy, but keeping eye contact with a stranger for five seconds can be a challenge for many.”
“But what about the rest of the audience? Don’t I need to look at them?”
“Yes.” Marie nodded. “But every time you look at someone from a distance, at least four or five people surrounding them are going to think that you are looking at them.”
After talking to Marie, Amber felt good, as always. Marie was a great resource in her life, and she was grateful that her parents paid Marie to help her. She got up in front of the mirror and she rehearsed her introduction over and over again, as Marie had told her to. She felt fairly confident but was still happy that Victoria was doing the talk with her.
When Thursday came around, Amber felt nauseous and nervous. Victoria and Amber left in the afternoon with permission from the principal to skip their last two classes. Victoria seemed surprisingly cool. “Aren’t you nervous?” Amber asked.
“Off course I am! Isn’t it wonderful and exciting?”
“What do you mean by wonderful and exciting? I feel like I am going to be sick.”
“Don’t worry. You won’t. It’s just your nerves telling you to be alert, to make sure you take it seriously. We will be fine, I know it.” Victoria smiled in an attempt to comfort Amber.
When they drove up to the school, Amber started sweating, and she could feel her heart race. She looked out the window and saw kids playing at recess.
Suddenly, her fear of rejection and being bullied returned, and her breathing got faster.
“I don’t think I can do this.” Amber’s eyes were wide open and full of fear.
Victoria looked at her. “Okay, that’s fine. I’ll explain it to the principal. I’m sure she will understand, and you know… we can always send flowers, if someone actually does commit suicide, right?”
Amber looked at Victoria with indignation. “Why are you being so morbid?”
“I didn’t mean to be morbid, Amber. I am just trying to remind you why we are here, and
who we are doing this for… Look at them, Amber.” Amber turned her head and looked at the kids playing soccer and others hanging out on benches.
“What do you see?” Victoria asked her.
“Kids having fun, I guess.”
“Really? Look again, Amber, because I see a kid whose parents are getting divorced, one who lost a family member to cancer, one who feels betrayed by her best friends. I see another who feels like a failure, who fears disappointing his parents, and I see kids who feel bullied and kids who are thinking about how to end their misery.“ Victoria’s voice sounded almost angry with Amber for a moment. Amber looked at all the kids, searching for signs of how they were feeling. “How do you see that? Do you know them?”
“No, Amber. You’re missing the point… they are people, and people go through stuff… you did, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Then let’s do what we came here for. Let’s go and help them, okay?”
Amber took a deep breath. “Okay.”
* * * * *
“…And so, I tried to end my life that day.” Amber could hear a gasp go through the crowd. She wasn’t nervous anymore, and had managed to tell her story openly and honestly to the crowd of eighth graders sitting in front of her. Victoria had started the talk. She had explained about suicide and introduced Amber as a survivor of “bullycide.”
The kids in the audience followed Amber’s every move, and she felt she had their full attention as she was telling her story. Her confidence grew, as she explained how she had felt before making that decision. She remembered what Marie had told her, and as she was talking about some of the nasty Facebook comments, she kept eye contact with a young girl. “Everywhere I looked, I saw darkness and I felt so alone and isolated. I felt so sorry for myself.” After five seconds, Amber noticed how the girl’s eyes started to water, and tears welled up underneath them.
She continued her story, moving on to look at a boy in front. “I was lucky… my friends found me. They saved my life… and I am deeply grateful for that, because today I have very good friends, and the best boyfriend ever, and I really love my life. I would have missed out on all of that, if I hadn’t been saved that day.” The boy broke into a warm smile and she smiled back.