Put your hand up if you’ve ever tried to fish out some slippery, slathery eggshell pieces from a bowl full of raw egg.
Brother, I been there too and we both know it ain’t pretty. Shell Diving sure is high on the Kitchen Humiliation List, together with dropping a piece of toast jam-side-down, opening the oven door and having massive black clouds blow out, or cracking an ice cube tray so strongly you send rogue cubes scattering across the floor.
Yes, The Awful Egg Crack is guaranteed to redden cheeks and knock amateur chefs down a few pegs, so that’s why it’s sweet when you finally master The Perfect Egg Crack. You can do it at home, by yourself, with a bit of practice. Just follow these three easy steps:Step 1. The Tap N’ Crack. There is some debate on where exactly the egg should be tapped. Most folks like to tap the egg against an edge, like the side of a mixing bowl, but some argue you should only tap the egg against a flat surface, like a kitchen counter or cutting board. Whatever you choose, just be sure to only dent the shell lightly instead of giving it a career-ending stab wound. Pushing too hard will result in a Slime Explosion, which isn’t good unless you want to be called Salmonella Hands for the rest of your life.
Step 2. Big Thumbs. This is the moment of truth. Stick your two thumbs in the dent and in one swift move dig them in deep and pull them apart. If you did it right, the shell should snap easily into two beautiful pieces, dropping its slippery plunder into the bowl below. Now, some people opt for the One-Handed Move instead of ol’ faithful Big Thumbs, but I say that’s too risky. Besides, what are you really going to do with that free hand anyway?
Step 3. The Inspection. Go ahead, give it a once-over. Grab a magnifying glass or hold it up to the light if you need to. But I’m going to guess it’s looking pretty pretty, my friend because you just performed a Perfect Egg Crack.
Beat that egg, fry that egg, whip that egg into cake batter. It’s time to say goodbye to Kitchen Humiliation and hello to some well-deserved Kitchen Pride.
AWESOME!
Curling up into the fetal position
Girl, you used to fit in a shoe box.
Back when you were all nude, all the time, you were crunched up real fine in your mom’s tum. Yes, your head was bowed down, your back was bent forward, your legs were pulled to your chest, and everything was in order.
The fetal position is the medical term used to describe your Totally Comfy Pre-Born Position. You’re all curled up into a comfy little ball in there and while mom may notice you rattling around a bit, you’re actually pretty chilled out and relaxed.
I mean, there’s a reason La-Z-Boy doesn’t make a wombsized version, and brother, it ain’t because they can’t. No, it’s because there’s just no demand. Pre-born babies are already living the life of leisure and no amount of built-in cup holders, pillowy-soft headrests, or swing-out footrests can improve that.
Now, the fetal position has many post-pop uses as well.
First of all, some people sleep this way after they’re born. They find it a safe and comfy way to ferry into Dreamland each evening. And this isn’t just hearsay, people. Yes, I used to be a fetal position junkie myself as a kid, sleeping on my side like a pajama-clad jelly roll.
Secondly, what’s up with all those bears? Studies suggest that playing dead in the fetal position is a good strategy to ward off further pawing from friendly grizzlies in the forest.
Lastly, it just feels like home. The fetal position is the best way to keep warm if you find yourself tentless in Greenland or crashing on a pal’s basement floor without copious blanketing. It literally warms the heart (liver, lungs, and kidneys).
And hey, isn’t the fetal position just one more way to turn back the clock? After all, your body knows the fetal position, your body lived the fetal position, and so when you’re trying to catch a few z’s on the cold floor of a bear-infested forest, I think you know what to do.
Curl right up, baby.
For me and you.
AWESOME!
Old, classic board games
Wedged tightly into dark corners in dusty attics are piles of worn-out board games from years ago.
The corners of these old boxes are cracked and split open and the flashy prints on top long worn away, leaving only the dusty, corrugated bones behind. Pencils with broken leads, yellowed instructions, faded homemade scorecards, and assorted sub-ins for lost game pieces litter the box and make it look like a clattery junk drawer of assorted knickknacks. Take a deep breath and sniff up that musty scent that takes you way, way back.
For old times’ sake, let’s look fondly at ten of the greatest board games of all time:10. Mouse Trap. This game taught us the meaning of the slow, tantric crescendo. That’s because the first 99 percent of the game was a boring, play-bynumbers hopscotch. But then it got to mouse trap time, and it was allllllll worth it.
9. Connect Four. Despite the quick setup time, easy rules, and fun gameplay, Connect Four always seemed suspiciously mathy. And now, be honest—did you ever realize your kid sister was about to deliver a four-in-a-row knockout punch and then release the trap on the bottom, spilling all the pieces on the table and denying her that big crowning moment? Hey, I’m not proud of it either.
8. Battleship. The best part of Battleship was those hard, plastic cases the game came in. It was like its own luggage set and it was hard not to feel important when you flipped one open and began fiddling with all the pieces inside. Kids, those are what we used to call laptops.
7. Uno. Now, Uno wasn’t really a board game, but whenever it was Board Game Time there was always that one whiny kid who begged everyone to play Uno instead. But no one would. That’s why it’s called Uno.
6. Risk. Turns out you can’t dominate the world in an hour. As a result, committing to a game of Risk was committing to giving up your entire evening. Games could go until three, four, five in the morning, with the first person out at 9 p.m. sitting bored on the couch flipping channels for six hours. Too bad, man. Shouldn’t have challenged Siam.
5. Candyland. This game required no reading, no writing, no strategy, and no decision making at all. You just flipped over a card, looked at the color, and moved your piece to that color. That’s it, really. Candyland ranks high because it’s a gateway game and gets people interested in the harder stuff.
4. Trivial Pursuit. The hardest stuff of all. I’m talking about the original, heavy-box Genus Edition here. You know you’re playing that one when the questions are impossible and everybody feels like an idiot without any pie pieces. Props to the first person who proposes ditching the board and just asking questions.
3. The Game of Life. If you can believe it, Milton Bradley himself created The Game of Life way back in 1860. Now, the game is more than a little preachy—I mean, if you don’t go to college, have lots of kids, and drive around buying insurance and suing for damages, then you probably won’t be able to end up in a beautiful white plastic mansion at the end. But there was something special about all the kids getting to act grown up for an hour.
2. Clue. This dark and bloody board game about mansion murder was always a winner with happygo-lucky kids on Saturday afternoons. Yes, Clue was a tense and quiet hour of private note taking, raised eyebrows, and suspicious glances. A nice break from running around the backyard with untied shoelaces and runny noses anyway.
1. Monopoly. After everyone is through fighting over the Free Parking rules and who gets the best token, this game was usually all about the lateinning game-changing trade. It’s the three-way deal that gives the richest player all the railroads to seal everybody’s fate or the tired person who gives up at midnight and just trades away Boardwalk to meet the rent on Kentucky Ave.
Yes, as you are huddled around the kitchen table, sitting in a friend’s basement late at night, or gathering the family together at the cottage, there’s just something about those old, classic board games. They sure do bring us together for some laughs, some ups, some downs, and some plain old fashioned goooooooood times.
AWESOME!
r /> When the bubbles in your drink go right to the top but not over
Pouring a cold soda or pitcher of beer can be stressful.
Yes, all eyes are watching as you attempt a Hot Spotlight Pour late at night, surrounded by thirsty people, empty glasses, and focused, judging eyes.
You could get sloppy and cause a Bubbly Volcano to erupt, staring in horror as the drink owner tries to quickly suck up all the carbonated lava spilling over the edge of the glass. Most likely, you’ll end up with sticky hands, a wet table, and some nasty stinkeye.
Or you could have the opposite problem and pour a Coke No Show. That’s when you cut your pour off early because you’re afraid of the Volcano, but when the Coke fizz or beer head settles down and leaves only half a glass, well—that’s just embarrassing.
No, the perfect situation is when you pour a drink where the bubbles go right to the top but don’t spill over. It’s an exhilarating rush to see those bubbles just fizz up and up and up and up to the top, and then a massive wave of relief when they calm right back down just in the nick of time.
AWESOME!
When your ears pop back to normal after swimming
Do you sometimes forget your ears need popping?
After the jet cabin decompresses, concert wraps up, or swimming lessons finish, the volume in your ear dials down a couple notches and your head feels plugged up. But you get used to it. You pick up your baggage, clear customs, jump on the subway, towel off, get changed, and life keeps go—THEN SUDDENLY YOUR EARS POP AND EVERYTHING IS REALLY LOUD AND BACK TO NORMAL AGAIN.
AWESOME!
That old Take a Penny, Leave a Penny bowl on the store counter
Nobody likes pennies.
Sure, maybe in the 1800s they scored you a handful of gumballs or the evening edition of your local Times-Express, but these days they’re barely worth 1 percent of a Snickers bar. Go on, lick the edge of a Snickers and scrape off a few chocolate molecules with your tongue. That, that right there, that’s a penny.
Now, having said that, there’s one moment where the value of a penny shoots sky-high, and that’s when the beef jerky and energy drink at the gas station rings up to $8.01. If you’re cringing right now it’s because you know that’s a terrible price, leading to a few Checkout Possibilities:1. By the Rules. One option is just to roll with it. Break that ten and get ready for a mittful of change, including the dreaded Four-Penny Punch-out. Now your pocket is busting and your hand smells like dirty copper, but what are you going to do? You played by the rules and you lost.
2. The Cashier Cheat. You can never predict when this happens. Sometimes you’re expecting to play by the rules, but the cashier just rounds up or down for you. When Bill-Counting Betty doesn’t care about the till balance, she just drops you a nickel and a wink.
3. The Bowl. Finally, the feature attraction. Since you don’t want ninety-nine cents jingle-jangling around your pocket, you eye the Take a Penny, Leave a Penny bowl and see what’s shaking. You’ve made your deposits over the years, so don’t feel guilty about a little withdrawal now.
Yes, the Take a Penny, Leave a Penny bowl brings out the best in us. It’s a stranger-to-stranger donation that pays you back after you pay it forward. Just remember: Take a penny, leave a penny?
Take a favor.
Leave a legacy.
AWESOME!
When someone saves you a seat
It’s time to get down with the get down ...
At the movies! Your arms bearhug fat tubs of popcorn and slippery jumbo drinks as you blindly stumble down the dark aisle. You scan the chattery crowd dotting the red plushy tundra before noticing your friend thirty rows up giving you the two-armed wave.
At the school assembly! You’re separated from your fourthgrade soul mate and only see each other while double-dutching by the portables at recess. But then come student council speeches, music recitals, or a Thanksgiving play and suddenly your hearts spark again at the back of the bleachers.
At the concert! Boots up, you’re bumpily crowdsurfing at the front of the mosh pit. After you crashland on your neck in a dirty puddle of warm beer, your friend yanks you up by the wrist and squeezes you beside her right in front of the stage.
At the rocket ship before blastoff! You slept in and got stuck in highway traffic so now you’re chomping on a fistful of ice cream pellets while Velcroing your aluminum-foil-andfishbowl getup together in the car. You arrive at the launchpad and race down the thin metal bridges into the ship as the engines fire up . . . and there’s Cindy! With a windbreaker lying on the window seat beside her.
Yes, when you spot a friend snagging you a prime seat it’s good times, it’s good times. After all, they’re expressing your friendship to the world by deciding twenty minutes of stinkeye is worth making sure you sit together.
AWESOME!
The sound of water lapping against a dock
It sounds like the warm and windy start of summer. It sounds like the cool and quiet finish to fall.
AWESOME!
When the delivery food you ordered somehow arrives really early
Grumbling tums make those late snacks come every time.
Scope this scene:
It’s late at night, clock clicking past two in the morning, and you and your friends are lying on a torn, potato-chipcrumb-covered couch, sporting big grins, slack jaws, droopy eyes, and sweaty T-shirts. You’re half awake but fully hungry, half cooked but not fully done, half exhausted but fully up for ordering some hot and steamy late night food.
Someone suggests it and everybody wants it. And then it’s all over.
First you start picturing burning hot mozzarella sliding around on slippery tomato sauce. You think of wet and glistening pepperoni, the corners black and crispy, little grease puddles lying in the folds. Then you start dreaming of steamy Styrofoam with sticky sweet-and-sour chicken. Then you’re salivating over thought bubbles of greasy samosas and pillowy naans in paper bags. And you know, you just know, that late night food will taste delicious. Because how can it not?
See, we all know this ain’t your 6 p.m. Dinner Order, where opinions are collected, phone numbers are looked up, and the table is set for dinner, complete with triangle-folded paper towels and a giant 2-liter bottle of Coke centerpiece.
No, this is the Late Night Scarf-It-And-Sleep. This is the one your doctor warned you about. This is the one that took out Grandpa. Yeah, this is the big ball of greasy grub that sponges up everything else in your belly. It’s the only cure for rapid outbreaks of the Midnight Munchies, that empty, raw, growling feeling your gut gives you when it’s tired and confused and suddenly wants breakfast.
The Scarf-It-And-Sleep generally consists of somebody dialing whatever number is in their cell phone, ordering a plain cheese or pepperoni pizza or random Mixed-Plate Combo #6 without asking anybody else, and then just throwing it on their credit card because they can’t be bothered to collect five bucks from everybody sitting around playing video games.
The only issue with the Scarf-It-And-Sleep is that even in the middle of the night you get told what you always get told: “That’ll be forty-five minutes,” they say. And brother, you know and I know that you don’t want to be waiting for that food, that long, that late. Somebody might crack and drink a bottle of salad dressing or eat a bar of butter, man. It’s a tense scene.
And that’s why it’s great when, once in a while, you get that surprise really, really early delivery. When twelve minutes after you place your order, the doorbell rings and whambam, thank you gram, it’s here, it’s hot, and it’s time to toss that greasy square of hot cardboard on the floor or big stapled paper bag on the counter and rip right into it like a pack of lions around a dead zebra.
So this one goes out to the delivery people who surprise us with an early doorbell once in a while. Thanks for filling our bellies with your greasy goodness just in time for bed.
AWESOME!
Acrobatic snoozing
Everybody loves a good snooze.
&nb
sp; That’s where you groggily dive back into the sleepy underworld for a few more minutes of lazy-boned bliss before waking up to get your day on. It’s even better when you tap the snooze button with a bit of acrobatic showmanship that keeps you dreaming before your wide-awake self invades your space.
Here’s how to keep on snoozing in the free world:1. The Blindfold. You’ve long memorized the shape and location of your snooze button, so when it starts buzzing you don’t even open your eyes. Nope, you just fumble until you find it and kick back for nine more minutes of heaven.
2. The Behind The Back. Here’s where you’re facing away from the alarm clock when it starts ringing, but instead of flipping right over you casually toss your arm in the air and reach backwards until you find the snooze. Also known as the Reverse Angle Shoulder Twist.
3. The Outsource. Perhaps your clock starts buzzing as your boyfriend is hopping around putting pants on or while your sister’s knocking to wake you up. Either way, you outsource your snoozing to them with a cute and groggy “Mmmnnn . . . can you hit ... button.”
4. The Toe Tap. You’ve been tossing and turning all night and now you’ve got the Toe Vent going in a perfect spot to use your foot to tap the button. If you manage to avoid knocking over your glass of water or accidentally kicking your alarm clock to the floor, this can be a stunningly beautiful move.
Yes, pulling off an acrobatic snooze makes you feel like a trapeze artist way up inside a big tent at the roaring climax of the circus. Sweat drips down your forehead and onto your tight white unitard as you stare with steady eyes at your wideeyed partner swinging toward you. Suddenly you bend your knees and jump high and wide into their open arms before quickly locking and soaring breathless over all the bright lights below ...