Chapter Twenty Eight
“What if we melt?” Brick reached out to stop Spiritwind’s hand knocking on the door. The door in question belonged to the Brick and Spiritwind on the second Earth on The Tub of Fun's list of planets. It looked exactly like the duo's front portal back home.
“What if who melts?” Spiritwind turned to face Brick. Dandara folded her arms and looked at Bettina. Bettina was looking forward to having two funny, little Earth men to flirt with. Jam had decided to stay on The Tub of Fun with Bobby and The Magwanvu. His frail mind didn’t think it could handle two Brick and Spiritwind’s in one place. His experiences with The Magwanvu had proved multiple versions of people weren’t his strength.
“Them, us, the whole universe.” Brick’s flourish of the arm suggested everything may melt.
“Good point. Why don’t we go and get a few masks to conceal our identity? Don’t want to melt the whole universe while trying to save it.” Spiritwind garnished the thought with a solution.
“Would that work? Is it the actual act of coming in to contact with yourself that causes implosion or the realisation?”
“Surely it must be the realisation.” Spiritwind retrieved a toasty. The debate was heading towards deeper territory and required the correct level of snack to accompany it. “The universe must understand that sometimes two souls have to inhabit the same space and time, if not for very important missions then at least for something fun to do at the weekend. To punish such an act by wiping itself out is surely foolhardy.”
“I agree the universe is a fair and honourable beast, but it often carries a sting in the tail. Why else would it lure us to the beauty of the oceans only to spike us with the urchins that lie beneath its' sand.” Brick looked upwards. He noticed the same hole in their porch canopy that he'd been meaning to fix back home.
Dandara had heard enough. She leaned forward and knocked on the door.
“What have you done?” Brick panicked and looked for somewhere to hide. Spiritwind battled a string of cheese that hung delicately between his mouth and his snack.
Dandara used her sternest tone to explain: “Firstly, people cross time and dimensions to meet them self on a constant basis. Some cultures believe you’re not a true man until you’ve drank your first pint with your older self acting as the legal guardian. The universe melting was exposed long ago as a myth circulated by philosophers who were tired of all their greatest quandaries being answered by people going out and actually doing them rather than pondering. It’s extremely hard to argue the universe will implode if you meet yourself, when the person you’re arguing with is yourself from ten years hence. Secondly, and this is so relevant it should perhaps have been my first point, you’re not meeting yourselves. The two people in here simply share your genetic make-up and every life experience you’ve ever had due to the Earth program you're both a part of.”
“So they’ve saved the Earth too?” Spiritwind had finished his food and sought clarification.
“Maybe not that bit. That was unique, but everything up to that point. Why are they not answering the door?” Dandara knocked again.
“They’ll be waiting for each other to get it.” Three knocks later Brick’s (Not Brick’s) shadow could be seen through the half tortoise shelf glass approaching the door. He opened up only to survey what faced him in silence. After a few seconds Not Brick closed the door and turned to the hallway. His response could be clearly heard.
“Me and you are stood at the door with two ladies.”
“Are they hot?” Not Spiritwind referred to the ladies as he continued making breakfast. He didn’t have time for Not Brick’s hung-over nonsense and hoped pandering to it would make it go quicker.
“My first instincts were yes. Hold on.” Not Brick opened the door again, paying particular attention to Dandara and Bettina. He closed it and continued the conversation. “I can confirm my initial opinion, although one of them looks angry.”
“You’ve probably annoyed her.” Not Spiritwind remained in the kitchen. The four visitors remained on the step, listening to every word.
“Why have I annoyed her?”
“I think you need to ask yourself that.”
“Good point.” Not Brick opened the door and turned to Brick. “Why have I, you, annoyed this woman?”
“I think she’s annoyed at us both.” Brick wiggled his finger between himself and Spiritwind. “Although I couldn’t tell you why, women seem to be annoyed most of the time. Personally I presume it’s their natural state and just get on with my life.”
“I don’t know where they get the energy. It’s very tiring being upset.” Not Brick fell in to conversation without effort.
“Thing is, being tired just makes you more upset which tires you out further and increases the level of upset again, so by staying angry you're just walking in a perpetual circle.” Spiritwind created a three way chat.
“So maybe this lady is simply tired. Are you tired?” Not Brick approached Dandara.
“I’m tired of something.”
“Is it being upset? Because I’ve recently learnt that being upset is very tiring.”
“You were right." Not Spiritwind appeared from behind Not Brick. Bettina threw him an instant wink. He presumed she was trying to avoid the glare of the sun. "It is me and you with two ladies. She does look upset. Have you found out what’s wrong?”
“I only asked if she was tired.”
“Not because she’s worn out from running through your mind all day.” Not Spiritwind offered a handful of sausages around. Only Spiritwind accepted, taking two.
“I hadn’t thought of that.” Not Brick turned to Dandara. “Are you tired becau….”
“Inside.” She’d heard enough and took matters in to her own hands. Nobody present had the patience or will to argue down an angry woman, and so obeyed.
On the way to the living room the two Brick and Spiritwind’s made acquaintance with a few nods and mumbles they both understood perfectly. Shepherded into the room the two Bricks headed for an armchair each, Spiritwind sat on the sofa, Bettina followed. Dandara remained standing while Not Spiritwind made an announcement.
“I’ve got a stack of breakfast butties on the go. Can I interest anyone?”
“I’d love a couple of those.” Only Spiritwind replied.
“I won’t be long.” He turned and headed back to the kitchen.
“Is no-one going to mention the obvious?” Dandara remained frustrated.
Brick looked at Not Brick. They both looked at Spiritwind. He returned the gaze. The bald visitor sensed Bettina staring at him wistfully and didn’t wish to confuse things by turning round.
“Have you had your hair done? If so it looks super.” Not Brick attempted his standard female appeasement patter.
“It’s the shoes. It’s always something to do with shoes.” Brick joined in.
“I’m talking abo….you think my hair’s nice?” Dandara reacted to the compliment. “I had it done especially for this mission.”
“It’s good. It suits your…….face.” Not Brick, didn’t have a clue. “And shoes.”
“Anyway, back to my original point.” Dandara glanced down at her shoes. "Why is nobody asking why you all look the same?”
“Tuck in.” Not Spiritwind returned with a table sized tray of bread, cooked meats, eggs, and every other ingredient required for a full English breakfast butty.
“Maybe a sausage butty would help grease the mind.” Brick approached the tray. Not Brick followed the lead.
“Come on ladies. Don’t claim to be watching your figures because you have nothing to worry about.” Not Brick continued his charm offensive.
“I’m not sure that counts as food.” Dandara reeled back from the puddles of fat.
The room settled, snacks in hand. Not Spiritwind sat next to Bettina to book end the female hero with bald men. She shuffled nearer to Spiritwind, smiling as she felt his nervousness grow. Dandara allowed the first round of food to be eaten before approaching the topic
of everyone's similarity again. She attempted a more subtle route.
“Why don’t we introduce ourselves? My name is Dandara Foxley.” She motioned towards Bettina, who wasn’t paying attention. A swift nudge with her foot got the message across.
“Steady. I’m Bettina Slade.” Unable to decide which Spiritwind to wind up next she turned to both. They took it as a sign to introduce them self, and did so in tandem.
“I’m Spiritwind Capernicus Jones.” A piece of bacon fell from each of their mouths. They leant forward to speak to each other. “What are the odds of that?” Why Spiritwind was surprised is anyone’s guess.
“Are you Brick Wall by any chance?” Not Brick sensed what was coming.
“Indeed I am. Good to be introduced. Nice hair by the way.”
“From a man with such a fine mop as you, I take that as the highest praise.”
“Why can’t you be more like him?” Brick aimed a rebuke at Spiritwind.
“What he said.” Not Brick aimed the same at Not Spiritwind.
“Because my eyes work.”
“And my sense of taste.” It didn’t matter which spoke first.
“The taste of a non-tongued beast.”
“On a drip since life began.” The two Bricks high-fived their ingenuity. Not Brick ruined it with further explanation. “Because if it had never tasted anything that would probably affect its ability to taste. That's why it was such a cutting insult.”
“Is this really the kind of mission we’ve chosen to be a part of?” Dandara peered exasperatedly at Bettina.
“I think it’s cute.”
“Does nobody have a problem or even a question about why you look the same and have the same names?”
“I think it helps. Less names to remember.” Brick wiped tomato sauce from his chin as he spoke.
Dandara tired of trying to let the explanation flow naturally and just aired it. “These two are from another Earth. The worlds you both live on are a franchised version of the original Earth which died out many aeons ago. I have neither the time nor inclination to explain all that right now. These two somehow managed to save their planet when it was invaded.”
“Well done.” Not Brick offered congratulations. Not Spiritwind nodded through a tough piece of bacon rind.
“I think you’ll find I was talking.” Dandara made it clear no further interruptions should occur. “Now they are involved in a mission to save the universe which requires them to visit a number of other Earth’s looking for clues, hence we are here.” Nobody spoke for a few moments. They wanted to be sure she’d finished.
Brick slowly rose his hand. “Are you allowed to tell them all that information?”
“Now you want to follow the rules.”
“I just don’t want the universe to melt, or for me to get sued. I'm skint as it is.”
“Could that happen, the melting part?” Not Brick showed concern.
“No it could not.” Dandara felt a little more relieved at having got the identity issue off her chest. “And to be fair who are they going to tell that would believe them?”
“She does have a point.” Not Brick agreed with her appraisal.
“I’d believe you. You’ve got a trustworthy face.” Brick reassured his doppelganger.
“Maybe we can help your mission. Why don't you tell us what's going on.” Not Spiritwind wanted something to do now his plate was empty.
“If you really want to know I shall elaborate.” Spiritwind leaned forward.
“Hold on. I’ll just go and get some storytelling food.”
Not Spiritwind disappeared to the kitchen as intrigue reared its head. With everything still wide open it wondered what would happen next.
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