Chapter 18
September 28
Without asking, Jordan sat in the passenger seat of my car. With a confused face, he dusted off his wet leather jacket and put some nicotine gum in his mouth. He looked at me in shock as he saw pillows, blankets, and all my clothes in the backseat. With a gentle smile, he kissed my lips.
“I’ve been trying to call you, but your phone goes straight to voicemail,” he said, as he scrunched up his face from the odor in my car.
“Apparently, I couldn’t afford my cell phone bill this month,” I said in a raspy voice, as if I were a smoker.
“Ew, Cassie you stink! You smell like my old uncle Martin!”
“And what is that like?”
“Like alcohol and sweat. Have you been living in your car?”
I began to cry, “I kind of miss the voices because I’m so lonely.”
“Why didn’t you call me?”
I stared at him as if he were the most stupid person and handed him my phone. “I don’t have a phone you idiot and I only have one-hundred dollars left for two more refills of gas! I need to get my job back at the bowling center.”
I could feel Jordan staring at my wrist. Once again, my scars felt like fire under my silk scarf. I hid my arm under my black coat and turned to look out my foggy window.
“Cassidy, have you been cutting again?” he said.
I stayed silent ignoring him.
“You can stay with me. I don’t have a problem with you staying with me.”
“Oh, Jordan, you make everything seem like it’s perfect when it’s not.”
“I’m not trying to make everything perfect, Cassie. I’m just trying to make the mess into something better!” he snapped. “And if you don’t want my help, then just leave me then.”
“I didn’t say I don’t want your help.”
“Then, stop crying, and take this money I’m going to give you to buy some breakfast and then go to class,” he said as he dug into his pocket. “Here, this is fifty bucks.”
“I’m not taking your pity money.”
“Stop being so stubborn and take the money. It’s not like you asked me for it. You never ask me for anything.”
Without another response, I snatched the money out his hand. He kissed me again, left out the car, and went back to class.
I tried to get out my car as quick as possible when I spotted Mr. Rivers walking back to his car. “Mr. Rivers! Mr. Rivers,” I shouted.
“I really can’t talk—Cassidy? Aren’t you going to be late?”
“Well, what’s new, right?”
“I guess we won’t be having our little talks in the morning anymore.”
“Why not?”
“Well, let’s just say Mr. Smith won’t be referring me.”
“What happened? Was it because of me? Did I do something wrong?” I said.
“No, no, it’s just he said I was getting ahead of myself by giving you nonsense advice.”
“Well, your nonsense advice has helped me so much. I can’t even explain how much you helped me. Thank you.”
He smiled, “Well then it was all worth it.”
“When can I see you again?”
“Let’s keep in touch. I’m moving to Arizona, so if you ever stop by, call me,” he said. “It was nice getting to know you.”
“Just in case, can I still call you if I need some more coping techniques?”
“Of course you can! I command you to do so.”
“Thanks again, bye, Mr. Rivers.”
“You may now call me Tyler.”
I smiled. “Well, bye Tyler.”
“Bye, Cassie.”
As I turned around, Jordan was walking toward me with a pissed off expression. I met him halfway near my car and he handed me a key.
“Dr. Smith sent me home again. What’s new?” he snapped. “All because I said he was a crappy principle.”
“You know your attitude really needs to stop. I hate Dr. Smith too, but you miss more school than me!” I snapped.
“Really? You’re gonna yell at me as if you’re my mother.”
“Sorry,” I sighed and got back into my car.
“Just follow me home since I assume you’re not going to school either by the way you look and smell.”
“Okay, then.”
I did not know there was a part of Simon city that had an area richer than where Raymond lived. Well, the doctors and lawyers had to have somewhere to hide out.
Jordan lived in a huge brick home with a front patio, a pound, and a five car garage. Even the pathway to the garage was fancy—with block tiles and trees that were nearly bigger than the home.
“Your home is nice,” I said as I followed Jordan inside.
“Let’s be a little quiet because my dad came home for break to get some sleep,” he said.
“Does he know I’m staying here?” I asked.
“I don’t think he will care.”
Jordan led me upstairs to the guest room that was bigger than my old home with Mama. It had a powder room, a bathroom, and a huge window overlooking the backyard. As he opened the blinds, I unpacked my things.
“Are you sure I can stay here?” I asked again.
“Of course, but if you’re scared of the dark you can always join me next-door,” Jordan said.
I laughed. “Too bad for you; I’m not afraid of the dark.”
Jordan winked and stared out the window. I watched his expression change from laughter to anger in seconds.
I walked next to him to see what he was looking at. “What is Marla doing here?”
He rolled his eyes. “She’s always over. My dad just comes home to sleep on break, but she always comes by.”
“But, she went back home a few days ago. Raymond forgave her and everything! That bitch!” As I dug into my pocket for my unpaid cell phone, Jordan grabbed my hand—
“What’s the deal? Why do you care so much?” he snapped. “It’s my parents’ problem, not yours.”
“Marla’s husband cannot be lied to. I love him and I —”
“Did you just say you love him?”
“Nope…you didn’t let me finish—”
“Do you even love me?”
“No, I like you a lot…it’s too soon to love.”
“Cassidy, I don’t even know you. You like an old man? I mean you love an old man?”
“I hate when you call me Cassidy, that always means you’re mad at me. Just let me speak.”
“No, I don’t want you to. I think it’s a bad idea—the two of us together,” Jordan said. “I feel like I learn less and less about you the more I spend time with you.”
“But, I love you—”
“You just said it’s too soon. And I agree,” Jordan said. “Maybe you staying here, isn’t a good idea.”
“Us being together is a bad idea,” I said. “I’ll go back home.”
“Cassidy—Cassie, I don’t like fighting with you.”
“You don’t understand my situation—”
“Then, explain it to me!”
“I can’t because you won’t understand. I’ll just go back home and I’ll see you later or whenever.”
Jordan didn’t walk me back downstairs as I ran to my car in tears. I didn’t really understand why I was crying. Was it because of Jordan or Raymond? That was one reason why I hated being a girl—we are so emotional.
In tears, I drove back home to the crappier side of town. The part of town where I grew up, the part of town where I would probably one day die. I began to fidget as I got closer to home and I could already feel Mama’s presence. I could already smell her cigarette breath and her lavender shampoo.
As expected when I pulled up to the place that was my hell, Mama was outside on the porch smoking her cigarette. Her eyes let up when she saw me get out my car.
Mama held her arms out for me, “I told you will always need me. Mother knows best.”
I walked into her arms and began to cry again. “Why aren’t you at
work?”
“They fired me because someone told them about the HIV.”
“Who would do that?”
“I don’t know. The only person who knows is you and the medical staff and I’m highly sure they didn’t say anything.”
“So, you’re blaming me?” I snapped as I pushed her away. “Why would I say such a thing?”
“Hmm, I don’t put anything past you.”
“This is why I didn’t want to come back home to you! We always fight!”
“Dr. Summings called,” she said, changing the subject. “He wanted you to come for something.”
I rolled my eyes. “Mama, what are we going to do?”
“Do about what?”
“We don’t have money to pay for anything.”
“The last time you were here you made me think about your father. I can’t stop thinking about him and I dream about him. I feel like he’s punishing me for what I did to him. I think I understand now what you have been going through.”
“What are you trying to say?”
“I might do it.”
“Do what?”
“I might just turn myself in. At least I won’t have to worry about bills, and my health and if I’ll eat dinner.”
“You’re kidding me, right?”
She began to cry, “Nope. I’m dead serious.”
“And who do you think will be left with all those bills? ME!”
“I just can’t take it anymore,” she sobbed. “You don't understand.”
“Just give me one hug, just in case we don’t see each other anymore.”
“Mama, please don’t do this to me.”
“Just give me a damn hug, Cassidy Anne White!”
“No!”
In the blink of an eye, Mama smacked me with her strong hand and I collapsed to the grass. She didn’t say a word—she just smoked her cigarette and walked back into the dark house.
I didn’t know what to do so I crawled into a fetal position and cried until I couldn’t cry anymore.