“It’s going to be all right,” he said gently.
“What if she says no?” Addy asked just as Morgan was coming in the back door. “What if Jackie refuses to go?”
“She’s not going to be given a choice,” Morgan said kindly, but with a note of steel. “And neither are you, Addy. It doesn’t have to be forever, but Robert and Eddie are right. It’s time for this.”
Addy nodded but had one more comment. “I won’t tell you no, but I will say this—you haven’t seen her or talked to her. It may not be me who changes my mind.”
Robert and Eddie both looked at her. A moment later, the air was split by Jackie’s piercing voice. The adults all exchanged looks, and then Eddie’s chin went into the air. She was thinking, Your big sister has come to town. She sailed from the kitchen, a determined glint in her eye.
Jackie trembled from head to foot as she clung to Robert’s arm, and her shakes were from far more than the cold. The journey to Boulder was ending, and she was so frightened that she could hardly breathe or move. How could they have done this? How could they have sent her away? She knew her home. She knew every inch of it. She had said this to her father, but he’d shocked her with his reply.
“You may know this house, Jack, but what’s the point? You won’t move an inch for fear of falling or bumping into something, and so you expect everyone to wait on you. Your mother shouldn’t have to take it anymore, and I refuse to. You’re going to go with Eddie and Robert, and you’re going to do as you’re told. We’ll come to see how you’re doing—maybe this summer or fall. But you are going.”
She had screamed and cried, begged and pleaded, but it was no use. Four days later, on May 1, 1876, Jackie was packed up and taken to the stage office. Robert and Eddie were with her, but she was not comforted. She cried and trembled until Robert told her in no uncertain terms that the tears would stop. His voice was normal, kind even, but he made his feelings quite clear. Jackie told herself she didn’t have to obey. After all, what could he do? But she didn’t have the fortitude to cause a scene when the blackness around her seemed darker than ever. It might have helped if she’d realized that Eddie had been crying with pain for her, but so caught up was she in her own little world that she was not aware of this.
“Okay,” Robert spoke from above her head. “Let’s count.”
“Count?” she asked breathlessly.
“That’s right. These are the front steps to our home. You’ll have to know how many there are, or you’ll fall when you do them yourself.”
Jackie would have denied him this, but he started forward, counting out loud at the same time. She had no choice but to follow.
“Ten, eleven, and twelve. There! We’re at the top. Now five more steps forward and we’ll be at the front door. Here we go. Good. Now straight in front of you is the staircase. You’re going to go up it. Count six steps and then the landing. I’ll be right behind you.”
Jackie was in a daze. The cold was receding, and a strange rug was beneath her feet. She grasped the wide banister and felt like she’d come into a huge cavern. She could smell a fire burning and even feel the warmth, but no light reached her eyes.
“Eddie!” Jackie cried so piteously that Robert had to hold his wife by the arm.
“I’m right here, Jackie,” she managed through her tears. “You’re doing just great.”
“I’ll fall,” she whispered.
“No, you won’t.” Robert had let go of Eddie. “I’m right behind you. Are you counting?”
“No.”
“Well, get at it. What did I tell you?”
“Six steps and then the landing.”
“Excellent.” Robert was very pleased because he wasn’t certain she’d been listening. “And once on the landing you’ll just circle it, keeping your left hand on the big ball, and then you’ll have eight more steps to the top.”
“All right. Is it hot in here?”
“Oh, here,” Robert came forward. “Let me have your coat.”
“Will I ever get it back?”
“Of course,” he laughed. “It’ll be in the closet, which we’ll save for another day.”
“Another day?”
“Certainly. Today you’re just going to learn your room, the stairs, and the dining room.”
“Eddie?”
“Yes, Jackie, I’m right here behind Robert.”
“Please don’t let me fall in a hole.”
“There are no drops at all, Jackie. Upstairs is all one level and so is downstairs. Just keep sliding your foot along. Not even the stairs will surprise you if you slide your foot along.”
Jackie had no idea of the planning that had gone on in the last three months which allowed Eddie to say this. They had cleared their home of all but the necessities and counted every path and stairway in order to teach Jackie to move around on her own. In Eddie’s and Robert’s minds she was here to stay, and the sooner she learned her way around, the better.
Eddie had even gone so far as to remove all of her knickknacks and store them in boxes in the attic. When Jackie learned where each piece of furniture was, she would put them back. She knew that if Jackie broke something, she wouldn’t want to take another step.
“You made it,” Robert cried and Eddie followed more slowly.
“I’ll fall backward,” Jackie said, clutching at the railing. Robert put a hand on her back.
“I’ve got you. Now straight ahead is your room. Put your hand out and start moving.”
“Oh, Robert, I don’t think I can.”
He could hear the exhaustion in her voice and knew that this had to be the last trial for the day.
“Just do this, Jackie, and I’ll help you with the rest. Hand out, and slide your feet.” He watched her carefully. “Now move your hand two inches to the left. Do you feel that? That’s the doorway to your room.”
Jackie felt her way all around, her hands smoothing the frame and wall and even walking a little bit inside. Robert came behind her and led her to the bed. She sat down hard when he backed her up to it and settled himself beside her. She promptly burst into tears, the first since they’d left Georgetown. Eddie sat on the other side of her and put her arms around her.
“Oh, Eddie, Eddie. How will I ever make it?”
“You did wonderfully, dear,” she consoled her. “I’m so proud of you. In no time at all you’ll be all over the house and yard.”
“Why, Eddie? Why must I do this?”
“Because you need to take your life back, Jackie. You’ve become an invalid, and Mother is too close to you to change it. Robert and I are going to help you, but you’re going to have to do the work. You’re going to have to be willing to get bruised and spill things, because I won’t allow you to sit around and neither will Robert. Trust me, Jackie, you will thank us someday.”
Jackie didn’t comment, and husband and wife exchanged a look over her head. They were both smiling and believed that it wouldn’t be long before Jackie was smiling too. They would see to that. They would do everything in their power to help her reclaim some independence, if only she would make the effort. If they succeeded, they believed she would see far more in her world than she ever had with perfect vision.
29
“You did not tell me she was a beauty.”
Eddie smiled at Lena, their housekeeper and cook. “She is pretty, isn’t she?”
Lena put a hand over her heart. “Carl will faint.”
Eddie laughed. Lena was always so dramatic, and her son, Carl, had an eye for a pretty face. Lena thought Robert was the salt of the earth and had begged to work for him even when he could barely afford her. Robert’s bank had given Lena’s husband, Raymond, a loan, and as far as she was concerned, Robert could do no wrong. His taking in of his blind sister-in-law only added to this adoration.
“I must take her food now.”
“No, Lena,” Eddie spoke, eyeing her sternly. “You will not wait on her or feel sorry for her. I was just up there. She had a great night’s sl
eep, and she’s coming down as soon as she brushes her hair.”
“But she may have forgotten from yesterday. She may not know the way. This house is so big.”
Eddie shook her head, and Lena relented. Robert had already left for the bank, and Eddie wanted to report to him at the end of the day that everything had gone well. If she started by babying Jackie, the day was going to be a disaster.
“Eddie?”
The young wife heard her name from the other room, and her heart leapt with joy. She moved to the bottom of the stairs and found Jackie standing uncertainly.
“Hi. You made it.”
“Yes,” she agreed, but she looked sad. “I can’t remember how many steps it is to the dining room table.”
“Nineteen,” Eddie told her immediately.
“Eddie, how do you know that so fast?”
Eddie slipped her arm in Jackie’s, not a comfortable position for the blind girl since she felt like she was in the lead. Eddie had done some reading and knew that the most comfortable position would be to have Jackie’s arm in hers, with her walking half a step ahead of Jackie. But right now her mind wasn’t on that.
“We did a lot of planning before you arrived,” Eddie told her easily as they moved.
“Oh.” Jackie’s voice was still flat, and she had no other questions.
They walked in silence until Jackie was at her chair.
“Have a seat, Jackie,” Eddie began. “To your right is Lena. She works for Robert and me.”
“Oh!” Jackie was startled. She’d heard movement but assumed it was her sister.
“Hello, Miss Jackie.”
“Hello,” Jackie answered, but her mind was moving. She had heard rustling upstairs after Eddie had left her and now knew that must have been Lena as well.
“Can you find everything there?” Eddie wished to know after Lena had put a plate before her. Jackie nodded. In truth, she wasn’t too certain, but she was going to try.
“Where is my fork?” she finally had to ask.
“I think—” Eddie stayed in her place, but was helping her look. “Oh, yes. You pushed it under the plate.”
“Oh, okay. I’ve got it now.”
Eddie looked up to see Lena watching from the doorway, tears in the older woman’s eyes. She swiftly averted her own so as not to join her.
“What’s this?”
“Scrambled eggs, and to the other side are potatoes. Sausages are on the small plate to the left, and a cup of coffee is on your right.”
Jackie started to eat, and for a time they were quiet. The new Boulder resident was the one to break the silence with a question that Eddie would have said was the furthest thing from her mind.
“Are you still as pretty as you were, Eddie?”
“Oh, my.” Eddie’s voice was exaggerated. “Much more so,” she told her sister and was rewarded by the first small smile since they had arrived in Boulder.
It’s going to be all right, Jackie. You’ll see.
After Eddie had silently said these words, she asked God to enable her to do all she could with this sister of hers, and to have a heart that was glad for the privilege.
“Church?” Jackie’s voice was horrified. “I can’t go to church.”
“I don’t know why not,” Eddie replied reasonably. “Lena has pressed your best dress, and I’ll get you up in plenty of time. I’ll even help with your hair.”
“I couldn’t stand it, Eddie. I know people will stare. I just couldn’t stand it.” Her voice was going higher and higher.
“Is there a problem?” Robert’s voice came from the other side of the door.
Eddie made sure that Jackie’s nightgown was in place and went to open it.
“She’s panicked about going to church.”
“I can’t, Robert,” she spoke as she heard his steps entering the room. “And you’re not going to make me!” Her hands were clenched so tightly at her side that her nails were biting into her skin.
Robert came forward and without warning caught Jackie’s jaw in his hand. It was not harsh, nor was his voice cruel, but he was master over her and she knew it.
“In this house we attend church on Sundays. What you get out of it is up to you, but we will be going, and you with us.”
“Oh, Robert,” she whispered fearfully, her hands now flapping in panic. “Please don’t make me.”
Robert moved his hand to her shoulder in a tender gesture. “Jackie, we’re not here to humiliate you. Eddie will help you with your clothing and hair, and you’ll look lovely. If people stare it will be because we have such an attractive sister who’s come to live with us. Our church family will be delighted to meet you.”
Jackie’s breathing was still coming hard and fast.
“Jackie,” Robert said, his voice still gentle. “The first time will be the hardest. When the road dries a little more, you’ll be going shopping with Eddie and doing everything she does. I believe with all my heart that you can enjoy a wonderful life.” Jackie did not look convinced, but he finished with, “Get some sleep now; tomorrow will be a big day.”
She never did agree, but Robert meant to have his way on this. He left Eddie to settle her in for the night—not something she usually did, but tonight Jackie needed it. They said nothing more on the subject, but when Eddie joined Robert in their bedroom, she shook her head.
“I’m not certain this is going to work.”
Robert didn’t comment but reached to unbutton the back of the dress Eddie was presenting to him. Both knew they would just have to wait and see.
Jackie could see the church but not touch it or be heard. Clayton was walking down the aisle. There was a beautiful blonde woman on his arm, and as Jackie stared, the woman and Clayton went to stand before the preacher. He said some words that Jackie couldn’t make out and touched their heads, and then Jackie watched as they kissed. A bunch of little children ran out of nowhere, and Clayton gathered them all into his arms. His bride too. He looked so happy. Just as he left the church, he caught Jackie’s eye and winked …
Jackie came awake in a rush, senses returning with a jolt. She sat up and was still panting when the clock began chiming downstairs. She counted. Only 4:00. Her chest was still heaving when she lay back down. It was a dream. Nothing but a dream.
“Oh, Clay,” she said in the dark. “How will I go on? How will I live like this? If I thought you wouldn’t stay out of pity, I might have written and explained, but I couldn’t take that chance. If you pitied me, I would die, and I can’t see your eyes to know the truth.”
Her chest rose on a huge sigh as the pain of it all gripped her again. She put a hand to her ribs and could feel each one. She knew her breasts were smaller too, shrunken. She could circle one wrist with the fingers from the other hand and overlap them by what felt like inches. She knew she looked like a skeleton. It was surprising too, as she had always had a good figure and appetite. She might have run to fat if she hadn’t been so busy all the time. But now, even though she spent most of her day sitting, she couldn’t seem to gain any weight.
Well, not most of her day anymore. Eddie had had her so busy in the last few days that she didn’t know which end was up. And her mother. She missed her mother so badly that she ached inside. She wanted to hear her voice and feel her hands. A sob broke the stillness of the room.
How could you do this to me, God? What did I do to deserve this? Clay always talked of serving You, of us serving You together, but I don’t think he really knows who You are. He doesn’t know what You’re capable of doing. I was happy. I was good. Why, God? Why me?
Jackie’s tears were drying up instead of growing stronger, but her soul was drying up too. The only time she’d had a thought that wasn’t for herself was when she’d asked Eddie how she looked. Her world had shrunken to the size of a robin’s egg, and all thoughts were for Jackie, poor Jackie.
It took some time, but she did fall back to sleep. She woke with a feeling of dread, and for a time she attributed it to her dream in
the wee hours. Then she remembered the day and Robert’s hand on her jaw. They were going to force her to go to church.
“Oh, Jackie,” Eddie’s voice came to her ear. “Travis is here.”
“Hello, Jackie.” His voice, deep and kind, came from somewhere above her. She remembered him, of course, but had forgotten how tall he was—even taller than Robert.
“Hello.” Jackie greeted him quietly and continued to grip Eddie’s arm. The older girl was certain to have a bruise.
She heard the two of them talk a moment but didn’t really attend. Then Eddie was moving them forward.
“Here’s our seat,” Eddie was saying. Jackie put a hand out to guide herself along the pew. The wood was smooth, like the banister at Robert and Eddie’s, and Jackie liked the feel of it. Someone moved beside her, and a moment later Robert spoke in a hushed tone.
“Well, people are staring, just like you thought.” He watched her stiffen. “I think Carl, that’s Lena’s son, is never going to blink again.”
Jackie moved her head as though she hadn’t heard him right.
“And Tommy Walcott. He’s only 16, but he looks like he won’t hear a word of the sermon.”
“Don’t tease me, Robert,” she finally managed, her voice just as low.
“Jackie.” His voice was very serious. “The young men in this church are falling out of their seats looking at you.”
“Then they don’t know yet. They don’t know I’m blind.”
“On the contrary, they all know and have been praying for you for months.”
“Good morning, everyone,” a cheerful voice sounded from the front, and the conversation was cut off. Jackie, who was beginning to remember voices, tried to place this one and failed. Not that it would have mattered. Even after the singing was over and the sermon began, she heard very little. She was still trying to sort out Robert’s words. It was inconceivable that anyone would find her even remotely attractive.
30
“Hello, Jackie,” the familiar voice called from the edge of the huge living room. Jackie turned to face the owner.