“Hello, Carl,” she spoke softly, wondering if she would ever get over the wonder of it.
Carl had been to visit her every day for the last three weeks. He would wait until his mother was ready to go home in the late afternoon and then come on the pretense of seeing her home. Lena wasted no time in telling Jackie that her son had never seen the need to escort her home before, but Jackie could tell from Lena’s voice that she was not at all upset.
“How are you today?”
“I’m fine,” Jackie answered automatically as she always did. “How are you?”
“Fine.” He said the words, and Jackie knew he was staring at her. She knew then, as she had before, that the attraction was purely physical.
This was not hard to figure out, as she couldn’t have been a worse companion. She said little and never laughed or smiled. It wasn’t that she was trying not to, but she had so little interest in other people that nothing really struck her as amusing or worthy of her regard. In a way, she wanted to see Carl give up. She did not even know what he looked like because she had never asked. She had no intention of getting involved with anyone, and knowing that he was happy to just sit and stare at her did nothing for her heart.
“I am ready now, Carl.” Lena called from the next room.
“All right.” As usual he sounded regretful. “Have a nice evening, Jackie.”
“Thank you, Carl. You do the same.”
“Goodbye.”
“Goodbye.”
Here again was part of the routine. She would hear him walk across the floor, but he always paused. Jackie learned that if she turned her head away when his back was to her, he would take one final look at her and leave, but if she was still facing him, he took it as an invitation to talk to her again. Tonight she had her head turned, just as she’d done for the last two weeks. It was a relief to hear him move away and leave with his mother.
“Would it hurt you to talk to him a little, Jackie?” Eddie asked as she entered the room just a few minutes later.
“It might not hurt me, but it would him. I’m not going to encourage him.”
“Why not?”
“To what end, Eddie?” Jackie sounded tired. “He’s content to sit and stare at me, which means there’s nothing deep about his attention.”
Eddie couldn’t argue with her there. Carl did like pretty girls, and Jackie was not a very fascinating companion these days. However, he was a sweet boy and had a strong love for Christ. Eddie knew it would do little good to tell Jackie that he was shy around her and afraid of saying the wrong thing. Eddie was certain that if he found the courage he could bring her sister out.
“How did you do on your mending?” Eddie had come to lean over her. “I swear Jackie,” she said with a laugh in her voice. “I’m just going to give you the dark colors. You must have pricked your finger. There’s blood all over your white blouse and the button too.”
“I knew I’d stabbed myself, but I sucked on my finger for a while and thought it had stopped.” She sighed deeply. “This is the blouse that goes with the navy skirt you gave me.”
“How did you know which blouse it was?” Eddie said incredulously.
“It has a different feel to it, and see,” she remarked, shifting the garment around. “The lace around the collar is very soft. The other one is scratchy.”
“Well, I’ll take it and work on it right now. If I can’t get it out, Lena can. That woman’s a wonder.”
“Eddie,” Jackie spoke when she began to move away. “You don’t think Lena has encouraged Carl, do you?”
“I would say not, Jackie. She must know how you feel.”
Eddie didn’t elaborate, but it was very clear to anyone with eyes that Jackie was not in love. If she had been, the very mention of Carl’s name would have brought color to her cheeks. Eddie walked away wondering what Clayton had said about the blindness. The older woman didn’t have it in her heart to ask.
Jackie didn’t comment to Eddie when she left either. Eddie had said that Lena knew how she felt. Jackie thought that nothing could be further from the truth. No one knew how she felt. How could she possibly let someone fall for her? It was like she had said to Lexa months ago now, how much fun would it be to lead a blind wife around for the rest of your life? “No thank you,” was Jackie’s reply to that. She didn’t know how long Robert’s and Eddie’s patience would hold out, but at least she didn’t feel humiliated in front of them.
In the midst of all these thoughts, Robert’s voice could be heard. He must have just come home from work.
“Something smells good,” Jackie heard him say just before he entered the room.
“Hi,” he called as he moved toward her. “How was your day?”he asked, dropping a kiss on her cheek.
“The same as usual.”
“Meaning?” Robert pressed her.
“Well, I sat here,” Jackie recited in a dull voice. “I sewed a little. I sat some more. Carl came to stare at me. That’s about the end of it.”
Robert told himself to be patient, but it was not easy. His wife’s sister had no interest in life at all. It was like her life had ended the same day her vision had. Was the blindness difficult? Yes. Was it upsetting? Undoubtedly. But it was not the end of the world. Did he wish it on himself? Absolutely not, but if it happened he would see the need to carry on and do so. The fact that Jackie had not done this; indeed, that she was willing to sit and let the world go by, infuriated Robert. He thought fast in order to keep his thoughts constructive. Growing angry with her was not going to do a bit of good.
“I want you to help Eddie with the dishes tonight, Jackie,” he told her suddenly.
“The dishes?” she questioned, not having done them since she fell.
“Yes. I think it makes sense if you wash and Eddie and I dry. That way you can stand in one place and just hand things to us.”
Jackie’s mouth had gone very dry. That was her typical reaction every time Robert introduced her to something new. She didn’t want to help in the house at all but knew better than to admit that. Robert would have given her a lecture. Indeed, Robert was watching her mutinous expression right now and felt pleased that she was restraining herself.
“Come on,” he said conversationally. “Let’s head to the table. I think dinner is almost on.”
Robert stood and went ahead of her. Jackie fought down bitterness that she couldn’t walk across the room so easily. She never talked unless someone was leading her, for it took all her concentration to remember where she was. Lately she was in the habit of asking God when it would all be over, but the answer was so painful that she would only push it from her mind.
Jackie collapsed into the buggy and put a hand to her head. Eddie knew she was completely spent but didn’t comment. Jackie had been living in Boulder for a month now, and this was their first trip into town. The young woman had been terrified. They’d gone to the bank, to the general store, had lunch at the hotel with Robert, and even stopped at Pastor Henley’s house. Taking everything in without complaint, Jackie had been very quiet the entire day, but Eddie felt her trembling each time she took her arm.
Now they were in the buggy and headed home, and Eddie knew that Jackie would fall asleep early tonight. She was sitting up, not laying back in fatigue, but one look at her face and Eddie knew she was just barely holding on.
Help her Lord. Give her strength. It won’t be like this forever if only she’ll keep trying and committing herself to You. I can’t do it for her, Lord. Just show her the way.
“I don’t want you to be such a stranger,” Robert told Travis that very afternoon, but the younger man only shook his head.
“I can’t do that to Jackie right now, Robert. I can see how hard it is for her, and my presence is only going to make things worse. I can tell that she thinks everyone is staring at her.”
“Well, many of them do,” Robert admitted, “but it’s not in the pitying or negative way she imagines. She and Eddie came into town to shop today. We went to lun
ch. I could tell she was terrified, but Eddie plans to take her every week until she’s more comfortable.”
“She should enjoy that once she gets used to it.”
“I hope so, but now we’re off the subject. Why don’t you come for dinner tonight?”
Travis began to shake his head, but Robert put a hand up, his voice at its most persuasive.
“It’s already after 4:30, so there’s no need for you to go all the way home, and you don’t have to stay long after we’ve eaten, but I know Eddie would like to see you.”
“All right, I’ll come. When are you going to head home?”
“Around 5:00, but don’t wait for me. Go on to the house and keep Jackie company. She needs to get out of herself.”
“All right.”
The men stood. “By the way, how are things going at the ranch?”
“Well. Maybe I’ll have a chance to tell you about it tonight.”
“All right. I’ll see you at the house.”
“I can’t remember what color your eyes are,” Jackie admitted shyly.
“Blue. Light blue.”
Jackie nodded, a little amazed that she’d been bold enough to ask, but Travis had a very calming effect on her. He’d also kept Carl away. When the younger man had seen him, he hadn’t spoken to Jackie at all.
“Do you wear a hat, Travis?”
“Yes. A black cowboy hat.”
“Felt?”
“Yes. Here,” he lifted it off the seat beside him. “Feel it.”
He pressed the hat into Jackie’s hands, and she studied it through her fingertips. It was large and soft and smelled faintly of leather. Her fingers traced the braided hat band and told her why her nose had picked up the leather smell.
“What color is the band?”
“Black. Black on black. Not very exciting.” His voice was kind.
“It’s so soft.”
“Here now.” Travis rose and came to her. “Try it on. You live in Boulder now, and you have to look the part.”
A small smile pulled at the corners of Jackie’s mouth, and when he put the hat on her head, she asked, “How’s that?”
“Fine,” Travis told her, but a small spark of pain hit his chest. A seeing person would have moved it back. It nearly covered her eyes.
“Robert just came in,” Eddie announced from the doorway. “Why don’t you come in and sit down at the table.”
“Okay. May I offer you my arm, Jackie?”
“Sure.” She stood and waited for him to remove the hat. When the hat was back on the chair, he took her hand in his and drew it through his arm. Jackie was vaguely aware that his voice was now many inches over her head, and for some reason she shuddered. She worked to keep his image from her mind, but Clayton’s face came so clearly to her. She had to bite her lip to keep from crying. Clayton was the right size. Clayton was perfect.
Forget it Jackie. Just put him from your mind. He wouldn’t want you if he knew. So just stop.
It was a relief to sit down and have Eddie tell her what was on her plate. It helped her to remember who she was: a blind girl with no chance of marriage. The sooner she accepted that, the better.
31
Clayton looked out his living room window at the neat front yard and then to the schoolhouse beyond and felt a thrill run through him. His school. He was going to be Mr. Taggart. School was not scheduled to start until September, and this was only mid-July, but the board had had no problem with his arriving early and getting settled in. In fact, they were thrilled at his eagerness.
And he was eager. Never had he dreamed that the schoolhouse would be so new or the teacher’s house so large. He’d been told that the first schoolteacher they’d hired had been a married man with six children. They’d built a house that would fit his needs. Clayton knew he would never fill these rooms with a wife and children, but he would still do everything in his power to make it a home. It was very exciting to him that his family could come and visit anytime they wanted, and he would have no problem putting them up indefinitely.
Clayton reached for the list in his front pocket. He’d written out the things he would need. He was going to have to be careful until his regular paychecks started. Although it would have been cheaper to remain at his grandmother’s, once he’d graduated and been accepted as a teacher, he couldn’t stand to stay in Denver. He let himself out the front door and moved around back to the stable behind the house.
Inside was the horse his parents had given him the funds to purchase. The man at the livery had been very helpful. He’d said her name was Sally, and Clayton had found her a gentle old mare. He saddled her and moved her to the front of the house to pull himself onto her back. From the saddle he took another long look at the schoolhouse. A moment later he turned and started Sally toward town, his heart thanking God for all that had come to pass.
“And don’t let me forget the salt.”
“But you have the list, Eddie,” Jackie told her. “If it’s on your list, how can you forget it?”
“Oh, right. Well, anyway, head to the buggy, Jackie. It’s out front.”
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven—the count was immediately on in her mind. From the bottom of the stairs, to the front door, now across the porch. There was the first step. Eleven down, moving carefully. It was the same routine. Jackie told herself that someday she wouldn’t have to count, but right now she would only add bruises if she tried it another way.
“Okay.” Eddie sounded breathless as she climbed aboard.
“Eddie, what are you so upset about?”
“I’m not upset,” came the genuine reply. “I just think I should have eaten a little more breakfast, and now I don’t feel I have time.”
“What’s our hurry?”
Eddie came to a complete stop, the reins in her hand. “Well, come to think of it, there isn’t one.” She began to chuckle, but other than a slight smile, Jackie didn’t join her. She wasn’t angry, but nothing ever struck her as funny these days.
“Well, I’ll eat a big lunch,” Eddie said. “Shall we go to the hotel?”
“That’s fine,” Jackie replied apathetically. As usual Eddie prayed for strength.
She thanked God for how well Jackie was doing. She was getting along very well on her own, but her lack of interest was completely disheartening to her sister. The two women made the ride into town in near silence and started their errands at the bank. They were there longer than they expected to be, and because Eddie claimed she was starving, they ate next. The general store was the last stop.
Jackie was finally comfortable there. She now understood the lay of the things and took a slight interest. The bolts of fabric were all down one wall, but sewing notions were in the third aisle.
“Did you put lace on your list, Eddie?”
“Lace?”
“Yes. Didn’t you say I’d torn some on my blouse and it would have to be replaced?”
“Oh, you’re right. Let’s go look.”
It was after they’d stopped and Eddie had handed some lace to Jackie that she spotted him. Nothing could have prepared her for the sight of Clayton Taggart. Looking like a man in a dream, he was moving toward them. Jackie was intent on what she was feeling, and for the moment she required no assistance from her sister.
Eddie couldn’t utter a word. She watched Clayton approach, his eyes fastened on Jackie. She also watched and knew that he was just finding out the truth. He had snapped out of his earlier trance and now wore a look of defiant protection. Eddie assumed it was for his own heart, but Jackie’s movements changed his face yet again. Thankful that no one else was in the aisle, Eddie stood completely frozen as Clayton stepped up to within two feet of them. He stared at Jackie, and Jackie stared right through him.
“I think this one feels nice, Eddie. What does it look like?” The sounds of the store moved in and out of Jackie’s mind, but nothing else.
“Eddie,” she said uncertainly. “Did you leave me, Eddie?”
The s
lightly alarmed tone in her voice got through.
“No, no,” Eddie assured her swiftly. “I’m right here. I don’t know where my head is today.”
“Eddie, is something wrong?” Her sister’s voice frightened her.
“No, of course not. Now which one did you like?”
“This one.”
“Oh, yes.” Eddie was amazed at how normal she sounded with Clayton at her elbow. “This is very simple but elegant. It has large holes to the bottom, but at the top they’re very tiny. Can you tell what I mean?”
“Yes. Is it very much?”
“I don’t think so.” In truth, she hadn’t even looked. “Why don’t we take some up to be measured. What would you say, a yard?”
“That should do it.”
Eddie forced herself to concentrate on her sister and just get home. She moved Jackie on her way without ever looking at Clayton. They went to the front and paid for their purchases, Eddie needing three tries before the correct coins were offered and they could finally make their way toward the buggy. Eddie couldn’t stand it anymore. She looked back at the front of the store to see that Clayton had come to the door to watch them. He looked utterly devastated. Eddie thought fast.
“Jackie, will you take the reins a moment? I need to run back for something.”
“Oh, Eddie, what if the horse moves?”
“Here,” she took the reins back. “I’ll tie the lines back again, and he’ll just sit here.”
“All right. Will you be long?”
“No. Just sit tight.”
She climbed down from the buggy with the help of a passing gentleman and moved back to where Clayton stood transfixed. He didn’t look at her at first. His eyes were still glued to Jackie. When he did look at Eddie, his gaze was tortured.
“When, Eddie?” He could barely manage the words.
“Months ago. Last September.”
There is no other man, Clayton now realized. She stopped writing because of the blindness. There is no other man. His mind raced on.
“Is it permanent?” he asked, his eyes drilling into Eddie’s. She could only nod.