“I’m sorry,” Nina said softly. “I should have realized…I just wanted to ease some of your tension.”
He barked a laugh. “I’m afraid you failed. I’ve never felt more tense in my life. Well, until you shocked me. That took care of the problem nicely.” He glanced down between his legs as though to confirm he didn’t have an erection.
“I’m sorry—” she started again.
“Don’t be,” he said harshly. “I kidnapped you, remember? Then I dragged you through a wormhole to a strange planet where I tried to rape you.” He shook his head. “Gods, what’s wrong with me?”
“You never…” Nina’s mouth was suddenly dry. “You wouldn’t have. Not really. You just…lost control a little. That’s all.”
“Stop making excuses for me. You don’t know what I’m capable of.” He sat up and stared her straight in the face. “You want to know how this happened?” he asked, stroking his fingers along the cruel white scars marring his otherwise perfect jaw. “Do you?”
“I—”
“I did it myself with a knife,” he said bluntly. “Back when the RTS first got really bad. I was going to do my whole face but my little sister, Minda, came in and caught me. She…” He shook his head for a moment and swallowed hard. “There was blood everywhere…my hands, my face. It scared her. I think for a moment she thought I’d cut my own fucking throat.” He looked away. “And at that moment, I wished I had.”
“Oh, Reddix…” Nina didn’t know what to say. Her heart ached for him, bled for his pain. She put a hand on his arm tentatively, but he shook it off.
“She cried for me…begged me to stop,” he went on in a flat, emotionless voice. “She couldn’t understand why I would do such a thing. How could I explain to her that being ugly was better?”
Realization flashed over Nina. “What you were saying earlier—about feeling someone’s lust or jealousy every time they saw you…”
“They’re some of the worst emotions to deal with.” He looked down at his hands. “I wasn’t trying to kill myself—just scar myself. But Minda cried so hard and her grief and fear was so hard to deal with…” He shook his head. “I promised her I’d never do it again. That was why I started wearing the hood instead, growing my hair, hiding my face.”
“I don’t…don’t know what to say,” Nina whispered. Her eyes stung with unshed tears, but she tried not to cry. Reddix had enough emotion to deal with—even if he wouldn’t admit it.
“Don’t say anything.” He stood up abruptly and turned for the door.
“Where are you going?” she asked, immediately worried.
“To the ship. I’m going to activate the emergency beacon.” Reddix gave her a look. “It may take them awhile to detect it, but eventually my Kindred brothers will come. They’ll come and take you back to Earth, Nina. Where you belong.”
Before she could say another thing he was gone.
Chapter Twenty
Reddix stalked around the edges of the Feeling People’s village, carefully avoiding the natives though he more than halfway felt he deserved a blast of debilitating emotion right now. He was angry with himself…sickened by what he had almost done. How could he treat Nina that way? How could he hold her down and try to force himself on her?
Thank Goddess for the collar. One hand stole up to his neck and he caressed the black wire around his neck with his fingertips. If she hadn’t had it to stop me… But he didn’t want to think of what he might have done, how far he might have gone.
He sniffed the chilly wind and followed the scent of metal and oil to the abandoned ship. It was completely disabled at the moment, but he might have been able to fix it in time. He wouldn’t now, though. He was simply going to activate the beacon and wait for his fellow Kindred to come collect him and Nina. They could deport him back to Tarsia and take Nina safely back to Earth to be with her kin.
And what about the swamp witch? What about the price of blood? whispered a little voice in his head. Xandra will exact the payment whether you want her to or not.
“Too fucking bad,” Reddix growled aloud. He would pay the price himself. And as for his RTS…well, he didn’t know what he would do about that or the fact that he was supposed to somehow father a child on the brainless, shallow Tilla, who his parents had picked to be his female. He would just have to do the best that he could.
If worst came to worst, he supposed they could go back to the Mother Ship—if the other Kindred would have him—and try artificial insemination. Of course if word of that ever got out, the Touch Kindred would never accept any child of his as leader of the Clans. Their laws were very clear about how a ruling child was to be conceived, and any deviation was not looked kindly upon.
“Just have to manage,” Reddix muttered to himself as he let himself into the cockpit. He found the emergency beacon at once, and then, before he could talk himself out of it, he pressed his palm to the flat black surface and pushed down hard three times.
The beacon lit up at once, outlining his hand and then flashing from red to yellow to green. When it stayed a steady, unblinking green for five seconds in a row, Reddix slowly removed his hand.
It was done. There was no way he could ever make up to Nina what he had put her through, but at least he had insured she could get home safely and go back to her normal life on Earth.
“You’ll never have her,” he muttered, staring at the blood red lthss curling around the bottom half of his wrist. “I’m setting her free. Your price is too high, witch. Even for freedom from my damn RTS, your price is too high.”
* * * * *
Nina paced the small bedroom worriedly, passing back and forth before the tiny fireplace and its gold and blue flames. She was cold, but she didn’t want to get into the bed where she and Reddix had so lately fought.
What if he runs into one of the Feeling People while he’s out there? What if he runs into one of their kids—their emotions are so loud. I should have gone with him. Should have…
Stop it, eecho! the voice of Mehoo-Jimmy commanded. Stop worrying about that bear and worry about yourself. What if he didn’t really set off the beacon at all? What if he just said that to trick you? In fact—what if he got in that ship and took off? What if he left you here all alone with no hope of ever getting home?
No, Nina thought uneasily. No, he wouldn’t do that. No matter what else he is, Reddix is an honorable man. He’s just been hurt so much, been in pain so long that he’s twisted. He can’t help himself…
She knew she ought to stop making excuses for him, but she couldn’t seem to help it. The idea that he’d cut his own face to make himself less noticeable tore at her heart. His life had been hell for ten years. And even though he’d kidnapped her and torn her away from her entire life, she couldn’t help feeling for him. Any more than she’d been able to help reacting when he kissed her and touched her.
God, the way he’d touched her… Nina’s body still throbbed with the memory of his big, hot hands cupping her breasts and rolling her nipples…the feel of his mouth on hers and then moving lower, kissing her throat and licking between her breasts. Just thinking about it made her nipples tight as the tender vee between her thighs got swollen and wet…
No, stop it! she ordered herself. Closing her eyes, she clenched her fists and took a deep breath, trying to calm her frazzled nerves and dispel the enticing memory. But the deep breath didn’t help. All she could smell was the lingering scent of Reddix’s skin—his dark, spicy, somehow completely masculine musk that filled her senses and made her dizzy with wanting him. In fact, the more she inhaled, the more clearly she smelled him and the more she wanted him…
“What are you doing?”
The deep voice just beside her startled Nina so much that she gave a little scream and nearly fell over. She was about to land right in the fireplace when Reddix saved her by yanking her up and into his arms.
“I…I…” She looked up at him, unable to collect her thoughts. She was tight against him, her breasts pressed to the
hard, flat planes of his bare chest, and all she could think about was how badly she wanted him to kiss her again.
“You all right?” he demanded roughly.
“Yes, I…I was just t-trying not to…to think bad thoughts,” Nina stuttered, feeling stupid. Trying not to think bad thoughts? God, she sounded like a five year old. But Reddix didn’t seem to notice.
“Bad thoughts? About what I almost did to you?” he raised an eyebrow and gave her a bitter smile.
Nina felt her cheeks grow hot, but she shook her head. “Not, uh, not exactly. I was afraid you’d run into one of the Feeling People and have a problem. I, uh, also thought about the possibility of you just getting in the ship and leaving…without me, I mean.”
He scowled. “You think I’d do that? Strand you on an alien planet for the rest of your life? You really think I have so little honor?”
“I…you were angry. And I thought—”
“Never mind.” He let her go and stepped away from her. “I’m nothing but a fucking animal to you now. An animal has no honor.”
“Reddix, please…”
“No. I’m going to bed.” He grabbed one of the spare furry blankets off the bed and stalked to the door. “I’ll find somewhere else to sleep.”
Nina began to get angry. “Oh, no you won’t!” she exclaimed. Marching over, she yanked the blanket out of his hand and spread it back on the bed. “You’re going to sleep right here with me,” she said, frowning. “It’s not safe for you to be too far away if a Feeling Person comes along.”
“Stop trying to protect me,” he growled. “I’m not your lover or your mate—I’m nobody to you.”
“Yes, you are,” Nina insisted, her heart pounding. “Or you could be. If you’d let yourself be.”
“You know who you are to me—do you really want to know?” he demanded, his face twisted with rage. “You’re a sacrifice, Nina—nothing but a sacrifice.”
Her mouth went numb. “A…a what?”
“You heard me,” he said bitterly. “I promised your blood to Xandra—the swamp witch on my home planet of Tarsia. She said she could use it to make a cure for my RTS.”
“And you believed her?” Nina asked softly. “You really think she could cure you?”
“I thought so, yes. She’s very powerful—and very fucking dangerous.”
“Reddix—”
“And even though I’d been dream sharing with you for months, I pushed it out of my mind, blocked how much I wanted you, how much I felt for you. Because blocking feelings is what I fucking do best. But I can’t anymore, Nina. He ran both hands through his hair in obvious frustration. “And I can’t stand to be in here with you either. Not now. So give me the damn blanket. I’ll find somewhere else to sleep.”
Nina picked up the blanket with trembling hands and held it to her chest.
“Reddix, please,” she said softly. “Please stay.”
“I can’t.” He took it from her, but gently. His silver eyes were filled with self-loathing and pain. “I’ll try to stay close—maybe right outside the door. But I need to put some distance between us. I want you too damn much, and Goddess knows, I don’t in any way deserve you.”
“Please,” she whispered.
“Try to sleep and don’t worry. The beacon is lit. They’ll be coming for us soon.”
Then he turned and walked out for the second time that night.
Nina couldn’t help herself. She curled up on the bed and cried.
Chapter Twenty-one
“Damn it,” Reddix muttered, tossing and turning on the hard packed floor right outside the bedroom door. He wished he would have had the forethought to bring one of the oblong, dry grass stuffed pillows the Feeling People had provided when he left, but it was too late now. He was stuck out here with one thin fur blanket and nothing else—and he was damned if he was going back into that room tonight.
Not that he didn’t want to.
For a long time he’d heard the soft sounds of Nina crying from behind the thin door—the muffled sounds of hurt—a hurt he had caused her. He’d ached to go back to her and apologize—to comfort her for the pain he’d inflicted. But he didn’t dare. If he went back in, he wouldn’t be able to resist her. And the way she’d talked to him—the way she’d said he could be someone to her if only he would let himself…the way she had begged him to stay…it was too much. Too tempting.
Have to leave her alone, he told himself grimly. I want her too much—need her too much. But all I bring her is pain. Why the hell did I have to tell her about the swamp witch, anyway? What good does it do her to know what I had planned for her? Why couldn’t I just tell her the beacon was tripped and leave it at that instead of twisting the knife?
Reddix didn’t know when he had become such a sick, twisted bastard, but he hated himself for it. Hated himself far too much to let himself take the comfort Nina offered. Especially when he deserved nothing but pain.
Not that the hard packed ground he was lying on was anything but painful.
He shifted again and somehow managed to find a semi-comfortable spot. Maybe he’d be able to catch a little sleep after all—if he could just turn off the loop of guilt inside his skull for a few hours. It helped that the soft sounds of sadness were no longer issuing from inside the bedroom. Instead, all he could hear was her soft, even breathing. Apparently Nina had cried herself out and gone to sleep. Maybe now he could rest too.
“Sorry, sweetheart,” he muttered under his breath as his eyelids started to sag closed at last. “So fucking sorry…”
A massive jolt of agonizing pain speared through his body, shocking him instantly awake.
Reddix sat bolt upright with a hoarse cry, scrabbling at the Hurkon collar which seemed to have tightened around his neck. For a moment, it seemed to get even tighter, but then, finally, he was able to draw breath. What the hell was happening? Was Nina shocking him for the hell of it? Or was she just getting him back for everything he’d said and done earlier? Reddix certainly wouldn’t blame her if she was, but it didn’t seem like her style to wait until he was sleeping and then send a massive jolt of agony through his system.
Before he could go into the bedroom and demand an explanation, Nina came rushing out, a frightened look on her face.
“What is it? What happened?” she demanded. “Was it one of the Feeling People? I told you it wasn’t safe out here—you need to come in the bedroom with me.”
Reddix frowned. “You know damn well it wasn’t anything like that. You shocked me!”
“What?” Nina looked stunned. “What are you talking about?”
“You fucking know what I’m talking about,” Reddix growled. “I was sound asleep, and a huge jolt went right through me—not my favorite kind of wake up call.”
“I—”
“I understand if you’re mad at me, Nina,” he continued, frowning at her. “So I’ll give you that one shock—I deserved it after everything I did and said tonight. But next time at least give me some warning first. That’s a hell of a way to wake up.”
“But that’s what I’m trying to tell you—I didn’t push any of the buttons,” Nina protested. “I swear I didn’t. I would never shock you in your sleep even if I was mad at you—that would be cruel and petty and immature.”
Reddix had to admit she was none of those things. But he still didn’t understand what was going on. “Are you sure you didn’t press it in your sleep?” he asked, frowning.
Nina shook her head. “No, that’s not possible. I left the controller on the night table, and I was curled up on the bed. On…on your side of the bed.” Her cheeks went pink, and she looked down. “I couldn’t even reach it from there. There’s no way I pressed any buttons in my sleep.”
“What the hell then?” Reddix was honestly bewildered now. “Did the damn thing shock me all by itself?”
As if in answer to his question, another sharp jolt of pain went through him. To Reddix it felt like a lightning bolt had entered through the top of his head and was
exiting through his feet.
“Gods!” Every muscle in his body went rigid with pain, and he felt for a minute like his spine might crack from the immense pressure. His hands clenched involuntarily into fists, and if he’d had his tongue between his teeth, he was sure he would have bitten it in two. Then, as suddenly as it had come, the pain was gone leaving only a lingering ghost of discomfort behind. He sagged against the wall, gasping.
“Reddix? What happened?” Nina’s eyes were wide with worry. “Did it happen again?”
“Yes,” he managed to get out through gritted teeth. “It did.”
“But what…how…?”
“Let’s go look at the controller.” He pushed his way into the bedroom and snatched the small black oval with its three blinking buttons. The plasti-shields were in place over all of them, proving that no one had touched the damn thing.
“What is it?” Nina asked anxiously, peering around his shoulder at the controller. “Is there some kind of a short in it?”
“I don’t think so,” Reddix said grimly. “I think the damn collar really did shock me itself.”
“What? But how? And why?”
“Because,” he said grimly. “It’s hungry.”
* * * * *
“Hungry?” Nina stared at him in disbelief. “What are you talking about?”
“I’ve heard of this kind of thing happening before with Hurkon collars. It’s rare—very fucking rare—but not unheard of.” He placed the controller back down on the rickety wooden nightstand and turned to face her. “The collar has an adjustment period when you first put it on—it sets the levels for what the collar can expect in terms of ‘food’ for the rest of the time it’s on the unlucky son-of-a-bitch wearing it. And by food, I mean extreme emotions. Reactions to stimuli—most often pain and fear.”