The water was hot, but I began to shiver. There was only one thing worse than Josh living up to his reputation. He had changed so much in such a short amount of time. I hadn't known him all that well before, but what I had known of him ... he had left all that behind. Why me? One of my instructors in nursing school had touched on the Florence Nightingale effect, where a caregiver develops romantic feelings for his or her patient.
I scrubbed my hair and skin, and then twisted the knob, standing in my shower, dripping wet and alone--again. I wasn't paranoid. This was all too good to be true, and at any moment, I would wake up. My head panged, and I made a mental note to find the ibuprofen.
I wrapped a white fluffy towel around me, feeling emptier as the elation from when I had first woken up faded. Josh was different because he wasn't himself. He had watched a woman he was casually flirting with get pounded by a tractor-trailer, and then he had held her until help arrived. That would be traumatic for anyone. The sad part was he didn't even know it was happening.
I jumped when three knocks shook the door. I tucked wet strands behind my ear and padded out of my bedroom and past the couch and coffee table. I peeked from the door, opening it just enough that the chain lock caught. Josh was standing on the other side with a sweet smile and two coffees. He was in a navy T-shirt with white insignia, navy cargo pants, and black lace-up boots.
"Hey," he said, his head dipping down. "Everything okay?"
"I'm, um ... What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be at work?"
He held up both hands. "I made breakfast. Sorry I had to leave so early. I should have brought my clothes, but you know ... didn't want to assume anything. Not that I did. I'm on the clock, but we just dropped off a patient at St. Ann's and I started missing you, and ..." As he rambled, he noticed the look on my face. His expression changed. "What's going on, Avery? Is everything all right?"
"I'm okay." I tried to smile, but it felt crooked.
"Let's talk." He scanned my body from chin to ankles, and then his eyes drifted back up, stopping on the water dripping from the ends of my hair. He leaned over to look past me, and then the muscles in his jaw ticked under his taut skin.
"I just have a headache. I'm really okay."
"Avery. Let me in."
I slid the lock until it released. Josh immediately pushed the door open, looking around. He passed me to walk into the bedroom, spent a few seconds in the bathroom, and then returned to the living room, tripping over the area rug beneath my couch.
"What are you looking for?" I asked.
He was breathing through his nose, slightly trembling, his eyes wild.
"You're angry?" I asked.
He looked away, his jaw tightening. Without thinking, I yanked the necklace he'd given me over my head and held it out to him. His mouth fell open, as if I'd slapped him in the face.
"Just wait a second, Avery. Let's take a second and think about this."
I arched my eyebrow, obstinate. The penny still dangled from the chain in my hand, just inches from his chest.
"Are you fucking kidding me? That's it?"
"Please," I said, unimpressed. "You can't get rid of me that easily." I pushed to my tiptoes and looped the necklace over his head before sinking back down on the heels of my feet, my hands on my hips. "Penny for your thoughts."
Lifting the small copper circle into his large palm, he stared at it for a moment before a ghost of a smile appeared, fading as quickly as it had arrived.
He sighed in defeat, but the fight had just begun.
"I thought maybe ..."
"What?"
"Someone else was here."
"What?" I shrieked. The only thing in the apartment that wasn't exactly the same when he'd left was me. I couldn't fathom why he'd even think such a thing. The dress he'd slipped off me hours before was still hanging halfway off the wooden coffee table, my bra was still in a small, lacy heap in the bedroom doorway, and my panties were still tangled somewhere in the sheets.
Josh huffed, trying to reign in his temper. "You answered the door with the chain locked and then left me standing in the hallway like I'm some stranger you don't want in your apartment ... You're acting all nervous and weird! What the hell was I supposed to think?" His voice rose as his frustration increased with each word.
"That I had someone in here the morning after we ... Are you serious?" My stomach turned. Someone had to have done this to him before. He was heavily guarded, and I had only scratched the surface of his armor. His eyes widened, as if he knew I'd seen too much.
"Whoa," he said, holding the coffees out in front of him. "Let's start over."
I crossed my arms across my middle.
"What's going on with you, Avery? Why are you acting so strange? Is it because of last night? Is it too weird now? Are you not sure? About ... me?"
"Stop. You're overreacting," I said, holding up my hands, palms out.
He looked at his watch and then sighed, a deep growl resonating from his chest. "I have to go. Please tell me what's wrong. I'm gonna go nuts all day worrying about it."
"Why?" I dropped my hands and groaned, exasperated.
He wrinkled his nose. "Huh?"
"Why would you worry about it?"
His face twisted, as if I had begun speaking a foreign language. "Avery, what the hell?"
"You're so different."
"So are you," he spat back. "You were fine last night. Now that we've ... you're trying to bail."
"I'm not trying to bail. But you ... I've dated people. You don't, you--"
"When?" he asked, his tone accusatory.
I frowned, insulted. "I've lived a long time before you came around, Josh Avery. You're not my first relationship, if that's what this even is."
"If that's what this is? What else would this be, Avery?"
"Well, the arrogance certainly hasn't changed."
He walked away with his fingers interlocked on top of his head. He let his hands fall to his thighs and then turned to face me. "You might have had boyfriends before me, but you haven't been this way with anyone else. I know it. You know it. Stop bullshitting me. What the fuck is wrong with you?"
"No one changes overnight, Josh. No one is one way their whole life and then changes for one person."
Disappointment darkened his face. "I haven't played games. I've put it all on the table, and now you're ... What are you doing, Avery? Is this the part where you try to push me away?"
"No," I said, tears burning my eyes. Pressure continued to build inside my chest. "Think about it. Why is this so easy for you? Why is this so different with me than with anyone else? You act so different around me. What do expect me to believe? You've had an epiphany?"
"Yes, a fucking epiphany! Tell me!" he yelled.
I swallowed, afraid if I said it out loud, the dream would be over. "Did this happen because of the accident? Because you saw me get hurt?"
"Yes," he said without hesitation.
Like a knee-jerk reaction, I sucked in a gasp, his confession feeling worse than the collision that had catapulted our relationship.
"Avery," he said, setting the cups on the coffee table. "If they're lucky, assholes like me have a moment where they wake up. Holding you after the accident ... that was mine. It's not because I feel sorry for you or I have some sort of God complex." He took a breath, trying to calm down. "I've been begging you for dates and I'm standing at your door with coffee because I'm different. I'm different because I want to be the man you think you see."
"You're not an asshole," I murmured.
"I was. We can agree this is a good change. I should have made a move a long time ago, Avery. I've wasted too much time already. Nearly losing you before I had you made me see that."
I chewed my lip, waiting for him to come to a different conclusion. It was all too real, too soon, and it terrified me that I was giving my heart to someone who knew how to break it.
"Avery ... baby ..." He looked at his watch, and what he saw made his jaw dance under h
is skin. "I have to leave for work."
I nodded. "It's okay. Really. I'm sorry I brought this up now."
"Tell me you're okay. Tell me we're okay."
I nodded again, and he walked over to me. He pulled me into his chest and I breathed him in, already feeling better. This wasn't a game or a challenge or post-traumatic stress. He cared about me. I just needed to believe I was worth caring about.
He kissed my temple. "Wait for me. I'll be back later. We'll talk more."
"I'm really okay. Just had a moment," I said, feeling foolish.
Josh knotted his fingers in my wet hair with one hand and tugged until I looked up at him. He sealed his mouth over mine, kissing me hard and forceful, keeping my bottom lip between his teeth as he pulled away, leaving his mark on my clean skin once again. "Eight hours," he said. He picked up his cup and slammed the door behind him, still amped from our argument and the kiss.
I went to the door, replaced the chain lock, and then backed up until the coffee table touched the backs of my bare calves.
"Holy shit," I breathed.
It was coming. I could feel it following me around my apartment, to JayWok, and sitting in the empty chair across from me while I ate my leftover chicken fried rice in the break room. With every bite, every sip of water, and every person who walked in and out, I was saturated. I was falling hard for Josh Avery, McPanties, the paramedic who couldn't be tamed.
"I love you, but you're fucking stupid. And yes, I mean Josh," Deb said, sitting across from me while licking grease off her fingers.
"He's not stupid," I snapped.
"You're right. He has good taste in women. Since last month. You know I would never insinuate that Carissa fucking Ashton tastes like anything but a cat fart dunked in leftovers from a yeast infection."
I swallowed back the bile that rose in my throat just from involuntarily imagining her description. "Deb, how are you friends with anyone who isn't a nurse? It's like I had to be able to keep it together while simultaneously cleaning up shit and holding a barf bag just to qualify."
She paused before taking another bite of her cheeseburger. "Didn't you?"
I rolled my eyes and threw a soy sauce packet at her face. "I'm outta here."
"Break's not over yet!" Deb called after me.
I walked out of the break room and down the hall, pressing the button to the elevator. It opened, and I stepped inside with a nervous new father and a brand new, empty car seat.
"Going home today?" I asked.
He beamed. "Yeah."
I looked down at the carrier. It was brown and cream. No help at all. "Boy or girl?"
He couldn't stop smiling. "Girl."
"Congratulations," I said.
The elevator doors opened to the maternity ward, and I waited for him to step out, then followed, stopping at one of the three large windows of the nursery. More than half the cribs were taken.
Georgia walked by in bright scrubs. Large pieces of golden-brown hair had fallen from her ponytail, and her eyes were red and tired.
"Full house?" I asked.
"Let me tell ya somethin'," she said in her thick Mississippi accent. "It's a full moon tonight. If you get bored in the ER, you come on up here and I'll show you busy."
I chuckled, and she winked, her scrubs swishing as she made her way to one of the delivery rooms.
"Cute, aren't they?" Dr. Rosenberg said from behind me. "I come up here a lot to center myself and recharge."
"I'm just trying to get away from Deb," I joked.
Dr. Rosenberg laughed. "I haven't seen you at Corner Hole lately. I guess you've been busy."
"I guess so," I said, staring through the glass with a smile. The babies were cute, but I was thinking of Josh. My face fell, and I looked at the doctor. "Since when are you a regular at Corner Hole?"
"Since I never see you anymore, I guess."
I pressed my lips together, but the edges of my mouth turned up anyway. "I know. I've been preoccupied."
"How is that going?" Dr. Rosenberg asked.
I didn't mean to, but I sighed. And then I gushed. And then I couldn't stop, even when I saw the doctor's expression change from polite to blank.
"That's great," he said. His tone was the one he used with Deb or the other nurses when they tried to chat with him. "I wish you all the happiness."
"You wish me all the happiness?" I said, disgust dripping from every word.
My reaction put a spark back in his eyes. "No, actually, I don't, but you haven't taken my advice thus far. I don't suspect you'll start now."
"What are you talking about? What advice?"
"That you should stay away from him. He's bad news, Avery. I know things are new and fun now, but ..." He looked around and then took my arm, gently guiding me around the corner. "Would you just listen to me? We were friends once."
"Were we?"
He seemed hurt. "I thought so."
He touched my face with his fingertips and I pulled away, glancing around. I startled when I saw Josh standing ten feet away, murder in his eyes.
I took a step back. "You knew he was there, didn't you?"
"Of course not," Dr. Rosenberg said. "Josh."
Josh nodded once, and the doctor excused himself, walking toward the elevators.
When Josh approached, I pointed to the empty spot where the doctor was standing. "That wasn't anything. He's being really weird, but I didn't ... that wasn't ..." While I fumbled for words, I noticed Josh's jaw twitching. "I know how it looks."
"How does it look?" Josh finally managed to say. His words were short. He was trying his best to keep from losing his temper.
"I can see that you're angry, but I'm at work. He's my boss."
Josh shoved his hands into his pockets and shrugged. "What the fuck does that even mean, Avery?"
I leaned in. "Keep your voice down!" I hissed. I started to walk past him, but he reached out, grabbing my arm.
I looked around to see if anyone noticed, and then back at him. "Let me go before someone sees."
"Are you still in love with him?"
My mouth fell open. "I was never in love with him. He's married. What kind of person do you think I am?"
Josh's brows pulled together. "C'mon, baby, open your eyes. He wants you."
I looked around. "So what if he does? Am I a robot? Just because the beautiful doctor all the nurses want is interested in me, I have to fall on my back with my legs spread? Give me a little more credit than that, Josh. Just because I fell for you doesn't mean I'm naive."
Josh blinked, unsure whether to be flattered or insulted. "I don't know how to take that."
"Take it any way you want. My break's over."
"Let me walk you down."
"Dr. Rosenberg is likely down there. It's probably best you stay away from him," I said.
"Oh, he'd fucking love it if I stayed out of his way."
"Like it or not, I work with him. You're going to have to trust me."
"It's him I don't trust."
"Josh," I warned. "I love my job. If you can't be professional, stay away from Dr. Rosenberg. Don't ruin this."
He was clearly unconvinced, so I shouldered past him to the elevators.
"Avery," he called over his shoulder. He turned around, but the elevator doors were already closing.
I made my way to work, unable to ignore the stress and tension crawling through my muscles. What I needed was to hit the gym and empty my mind, but I didn't have time. I couldn't miss work, and any free time spent without Avery felt wasted, even if the late nights and early shifts would eventually make me crash and burn.
I'd scrubbed the back of the meat wagon after our last patient until my knuckles felt raw, but there was still a residual discontent rumbling just under the surface. The conversation we'd had about my sister still haunted me. Avery hadn't run away screaming, but I'd seen the pain in her eyes when I'd told her it was all my fault. I don't know why she'd stuck around after that. Maybe it was the alcohol. I worried that she
would come to her senses any minute.
It was a relief that Avery hadn't insisted that I go into detail about each stripe tattooed on my ribs. If she had, I'd be even more of a fucking mess. Women usually just assumed the tattoos didn't have any meaning, so I'd never had to explain what it meant--not that I would tell them the truth anyway.
I was caught off guard that Avery not only asked, but cared enough to listen.
"Earth to Josh." Quinn waved his hand in front of my face and I slapped it away. He chuckled. "That girl has you sprung."
I shook my head as I rounded the back of the ambulance, stopping mid-step when I saw Doc Rose. He was checking his phone as he walked across the parking lot toward the ambulance bay doors, but when he recognized me, he dropped his phone into his pocket, staring right at me with a smug smile.
I nodded back to him, whispering a string of expletives under my breath.
"You really don't like that guy, do you? He still trying to put the moves on Avery?" Quinn asked, closing the back of the ambulance.
I wiped my hands on my pants, fantasizing about using the shears hanging from one of the loops in my cargos. Doc Rose was a cocky fucker now, but that fake smile would disappear if he was stabbed in the face. I shook the violent thought away. "Whoa."
"What?"
"Feeling stabby. Is this what it's like to be jealous?"
"Want to kill him?"
"Yeah."
"Yep. You're jealous. Is he bothering her?"
"She doesn't see it that way, not that she'd tell me if he were."
"Can't blame her there. Get your hand off your shears."
I pointed my whole hand in the doctor's general direction. "How does a guy like him, who has everything, just throw it all away? He's married, with kids. He has the whole American dream waiting for him at home."
"Pussy is a powerful thing, man. Look how it has you twisted."
"Don't talk about Avery like that," I warned.
Quinn held up his hands. "Who said it's the American dream to have kids? I don't want no little Quinns runnin' around here."
"No one does, brother," I agreed.
Quinn shot me a look, and then something in the parking lot caught his eye. "Speak of the Devil."
Avery was making her way across the lot, smiling brightly, a paper bag in her hand. My stomach growled as the red symbol on the side came into view, but my attention quickly returned to the skintight jeans she wore with a simple white tank top. I've never known another woman to look so fucking good with no effort.