Chapter ix.
Which, among other things, may serve as a comment on that saying ofAeschines, that "drunkenness shows the mind of a man, as a mirrourreflects his person."
The reader may perhaps wonder at hearing nothing of Mr Jones in thelast chapter. In fact, his behaviour was so different from that of thepersons there mentioned, that we chose not to confound his name withtheirs.
When the good man had ended his speech, Jones was the last whodeserted the room. Thence he retired to his own apartment, to givevent to his concern; but the restlessness of his mind would not sufferhim to remain long there; he slipped softly therefore to Allworthy'schamber-door, where he listened a considerable time without hearingany kind of motion within, unless a violent snoring, which at last hisfears misrepresented as groans. This so alarmed him, that he could notforbear entering the room; where he found the good man in the bed, ina sweet composed sleep, and his nurse snoring in the above mentionedhearty manner, at the bed's feet. He immediately took the only methodof silencing this thorough bass, whose music he feared might disturbMr Allworthy; and then sitting down by the nurse, he remainedmotionless till Blifil and the doctor came in together and waked thesick man, in order that the doctor might feel his pulse, and that theother might communicate to him that piece of news, which, had Jonesbeen apprized of it, would have had great difficulty of finding itsway to Mr Allworthy's ear at such a season.
When he first heard Blifil tell his uncle this story, Jones couldhardly contain the wrath which kindled in him at the other'sindiscretion, especially as the doctor shook his head, and declaredhis unwillingness to have the matter mentioned to his patient. But ashis passion did not so far deprive him of all use of hisunderstanding, as to hide from him the consequences which any violentexpression towards Blifil might have on the sick, this apprehensionstilled his rage at the present; and he grew afterwards so satisfiedwith finding that this news had, in fact, produced no mischief, thathe suffered his anger to die in his own bosom, without ever mentioningit to Blifil.
The physician dined that day at Mr Allworthy's; and having afterdinner visited his patient, he returned to the company, and told them,that he had now the satisfaction to say, with assurance, that hispatient was out of all danger: that he had brought his fever to aperfect intermission, and doubted not by throwing in the bark toprevent its return.
This account so pleased Jones, and threw him into such immoderateexcess of rapture, that he might be truly said to be drunk withjoy--an intoxication which greatly forwards the effects of wine; andas he was very free too with the bottle on this occasion (for he drankmany bumpers to the doctor's health, as well as to other toasts) hebecame very soon literally drunk.
Jones had naturally violent animal spirits: these being set on floatand augmented by the spirit of wine, produced most extravaganteffects. He kissed the doctor, and embraced him with the mostpassionate endearments; swearing that next to Mr Allworthy himself, heloved him of all men living. "Doctor," added he, "you deserve a statueto be erected to you at the public expense, for having preserved aman, who is not only the darling of all good men who know him, but ablessing to society, the glory of his country, and an honour to humannature. D--n me if I don't love him better than my own soul."
"More shame for you," cries Thwackum. "Though I think you have reasonto love him, for he hath provided very well for you. And perhaps itmight have been better for some folks that he had not lived to seejust reason of revoking his gift."
Jones now looking on Thwackum with inconceivable disdain, answered,"And doth thy mean soul imagine that any such considerations couldweigh with me? No, let the earth open and swallow her own dirt (if Ihad millions of acres I would say it) rather than swallow up my dearglorious friend."
_Quis desiderio sit pudor aut modus Tam chari capitis?_[*]
[*] "What modesty or measure can set bounds to our desire of so dear a friend?" The word _desiderium_ here cannot be easily translated. It includes our desire of enjoying our friend again, and the grief which attends that desire.
The doctor now interposed, and prevented the effects of a wrath whichwas kindling between Jones and Thwackum; after which the former gave aloose to mirth, sang two or three amorous songs, and fell into everyfrantic disorder which unbridled joy is apt to inspire; but so far washe from any disposition to quarrel, that he was ten times betterhumoured, if possible, than when he was sober.
To say truth, nothing is more erroneous than the common observation,that men who are ill-natured and quarrelsome when they are drunk, arevery worthy persons when they are sober: for drink, in reality, dothnot reverse nature, or create passions in men which did not exist inthem before. It takes away the guard of reason, and consequentlyforces us to produce those symptoms, which many, when sober, have artenough to conceal. It heightens and inflames our passions (generallyindeed that passion which is uppermost in our mind), so that the angrytemper, the amorous, the generous, the good-humoured, the avaricious,and all other dispositions of men, are in their cups heightened andexposed.
And yet as no nation produces so many drunken quarrels, especiallyamong the lower people, as England (for indeed, with them, to drinkand to fight together are almost synonymous terms), I would not,methinks, have it thence concluded, that the English are theworst-natured people alive. Perhaps the love of glory only is at thebottom of this; so that the fair conclusion seems to be, that ourcountrymen have more of that love, and more of bravery, than any otherplebeians. And this the rather, as there is seldom anythingungenerous, unfair, or ill-natured, exercised on these occasions: nay,it is common for the combatants to express good-will for each othereven at the time of the conflict; and as their drunken mirth generallyends in a battle, so do most of their battles end in friendship.
But to return to our history. Though Jones had shown no design ofgiving offence, yet Mr Blifil was highly offended at a behaviour whichwas so inconsistent with the sober and prudent reserve of his owntemper. He bore it too with the greater impatience, as it appeared tohim very indecent at this season; "When," as he said, "the house was ahouse of mourning, on the account of his dear mother; and if it hadpleased Heaven to give him some prospect of Mr Allworthy's recovery,it would become them better to express the exultations of their heartsin thanksgiving, than in drunkenness and riots; which were properermethods to encrease the Divine wrath, than to avert it." Thwackum, whohad swallowed more liquor than Jones, but without any ill effect onhis brain, seconded the pious harangue of Blifil; but Square, forreasons which the reader may probably guess, was totally silent.
Wine had not so totally overpowered Jones, as to prevent hisrecollecting Mr Blifil's loss, the moment it was mentioned. As noperson, therefore, was more ready to confess and condemn his ownerrors, he offered to shake Mr Blifil by the hand, and begged hispardon, saying, "His excessive joy for Mr Allworthy's recovery haddriven every other thought out of his mind."
Blifil scornfully rejected his hand; and with much indignationanswered, "It was little to be wondered at, if tragical spectaclesmade no impression on the blind; but, for his part, he had themisfortune to know who his parents were, and consequently must beaffected with their loss."
Jones, who, notwithstanding his good humour, had some mixture of theirascible in his constitution, leaped hastily from his chair, andcatching hold of Blifil's collar, cried out, "D--n you for a rascal,do you insult me with the misfortune of my birth?" He accompaniedthese words with such rough actions, that they soon got the better ofMr Blifil's peaceful temper; and a scuffle immediately ensued, whichmight have produced mischief, had it not been prevented by theinterposition of Thwackum and the physician; for the philosophy ofSquare rendered him superior to all emotions, and he very calmlysmoaked his pipe, as was his custom in all broils, unless when heapprehended some danger of having it broke in his mouth.
The combatants being now prevented from executing present vengeance oneach other, betook themselves to the common resources of disappointedrage, and vented their wrath in threats and defiance. In
this kind ofconflict, Fortune, which, in the personal attack, seemed to incline toJones, was now altogether as favourable to his enemy.
A truce, nevertheless, was at length agreed on, by the mediation ofthe neutral parties, and the whole company again sat down at thetable; where Jones being prevailed on to ask pardon, and Blifil togive it, peace was restored, and everything seemed _in statu quo_.
But though the quarrel was, in all appearance, perfectly reconciled,the good humour which had been interrupted by it, was by no meansrestored. All merriment was now at an end, and the subsequentdiscourse consisted only of grave relations of matters of fact, and ofas grave observations upon them; a species of conversation, in which,though there is much of dignity and instruction, there is but littleentertainment. As we presume therefore to convey only this last to thereader, we shall pass by whatever was said, till the rest of thecompany having by degrees dropped off, left only Square and thephysician together; at which time the conversation was a littleheightened by some comments on what had happened between the two younggentlemen; both of whom the doctor declared to be no better thanscoundrels; to which appellation the philosopher, very sagaciouslyshaking his head, agreed.