“Thanks. That’s…that would be a huge help.” The school helps us with placements, but there’s a ton of competition for coveted spots. Any extra edge I can get is great.
He returns to his chair and passes an envelope to me. “I want you to take this.”
The envelope is thick, and when I peek inside, there’s a lot of crisp hundred-dollar bills padding it. “Prez—”
“Just Rock now.”
“Rock, I can’t take your money.”
“Yes, you can. And you will. You said you’re planning to get an apartment near campus with Heidi?”
I nod, because yes, Heidi and I have talked about it a couple times.
“Find a nice place near campus for Heidi and use that for living expenses.”
“I—”
“Need to concentrate on your schoolwork.”
The intention behind his word is clear. This matter is closed as far as Rock’s concerned. I slip the money into my pocket and stand. “Thank you.”
He holds out his hand, but instead of a shake, he pulls me in for a quick hug and backslap. “You’re a good kid. I’m sorry it didn’t work out.”
My throat tightens and I have a brief moment of regret. Am I making a mistake turning my back on this family who’s, at times, treated me better than my own family?
I’m conflicted all the way out the door. But I don’t think there’s any way to take my words back.
Once you’re out, you’re out.
“What’s going on, Blake?” Heidi’s voice pulls me away from staring at the war room door. I did a shit thing in there, but I don’t feel as bad about it as I should.
Marcel glares at me. Despite the assurances he just gave prez, I don’t think we’re cool yet.
He turns his glare on Heidi next, and I swear to fuck if he says something to her, or makes her feel bad, I will punch him in his goddamn throat.
“You here for Axel?” he asks his sister.
She squints at him, her gaze darting between Marcel and me. “Yes.”
“He should be out in a minute,” Marcel says.
“What’s going on? Why is Axel still in there?”
“Not your concern, lil’ sis. You know that,” he snaps before walking out the door.
Heidi said she was here to talk to Axel. Not me. Fuck, that burns. We stare at each other for a few minutes without speaking. She’s pale and shaky.
“Are you okay?” I ask.
Her lips tremble. “I’d be better if you would tell me what’s happening.”
“You know I can’t.”
She blows out an exasperated breath.
“I have some stuff to work on in the garage. Want to hang out there while you wait?”
She turns toward the war room door. Hesitates. Takes a step toward me. “I…I better wait here. I need to talk to him about something.”
“Anything I can help with?”
She tucks her bottom lip in, biting down briefly before shaking her head. “I don’t think so.”
I hate leaving her, but I also don’t want to get swept up into any more drama that involves Axel today. I’ve had about all I can take of that kid, and if he smirks at me one more time, I’ll end up planting my fist in his face.
I’m in the garage maybe ten minutes before I hear her.
“Blake!”
Turning, I find her silhouetted in the doorway, tears on her cheeks. “It was you, wasn’t it? You did this? Didn’t vote him in? Why?”
“Not your business, Heidi.”
Outside, the distinctive rumble of Axel’s bike kicks up and Heidi’s tears flow even faster. “You’re ruining everything. Why? Why are you doing this to us?”
The way she says us sends anger through my veins, burning me alive from the inside. They shouldn’t even be together. “Dammit, Heidi! You know club business isn’t your business. Drop it.”
Her fists ball up at her sides, and her face screws into that expression she makes right before she explodes. “I hate you! I hate you for doing this just to get even with me.”
Yup. Sounds about right. “The world doesn’t revolve around you, Heidi.”
“Why can’t you just let me be happy?”
Axel revs his engine, his cue to Heidi that it’s time to go, I’m sure.
My head’s throbbing. I’m so fucking pissed right now. “The club isn’t here to make Heidi happy,” I shout.
“Why are you trying to force me to choose?” A loud hiccupping-sob noise tears out of her throat.
Shaking my head, I take a few steps closer to her. “Choose what? Between him and the club? You’re not a fucking member. You’re the sister of a member, so why do you think anyone gives a shit what you want?”
Her lip trembles again and I hate myself for being so harsh with her. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about all the shit Axel said at the table, though.
“Don’t try to tell me this has nothing to do with me.” A few tears tumble down her cheeks. Pain twists inside my chest. I can’t stand when Heidi’s upset. Can’t stand being the one who upset her.
“It doesn’t,” I insist.
“Don’t lie to me…on top of everything else, Blake.”
I pin her with a stare. “Who’s the liar here, Heidi? Because I seem to remember you planning a spring break trip with me not that long ago, but now I hear you two are moving in together? Are you fucking kidding me?”
Her mouth opens, she shakes her head. “You don’t understand.”
“Make me understand!” I yell loud enough that probably everyone in the clubhouse heard.
She flinches, then spins around and runs out of sight. A few minutes later, I hear Axel’s bike leaving the property.
A string of curses bursts out of me, and I send every tool in front of me flying to the floor. Now that I know she’s gone, I stalk back into the clubhouse.
Rock’s still in the war room, shuffling through some papers when I poke my head in.
I take a few deep breaths to calm down before asking, “Can I talk to you, prez?”
He nods and motions for me to come in. “What’s on your mind, brother?”
“Why’d you decide to vote on him today?”
He gives me a lazy shrug. “Why prolong the inevitable?”
“I—”
“Every one of your brothers has your back. Whether you’re right or wrong.”
I know that’s how the club works. How the brotherhood works. Your brother’s in trouble, you fight right next to him, protect him with your last breath, even if he’s the one who got himself into trouble. That’s why it’s so important for it to be unanimous when we vote a member in.
Dragging my hand through my hair, I think about how to ask my next question. “How can I fix this?”
He tilts his head, considering my question. “I don’t think there’s anything to fix.”
“You understand why I voted no.”
“Doesn’t matter why. It was never gonna work. Ultimately, you did the club a favor.”
Now, I’m not so sure, and I guess the look on my face says that.
“He would never fully trust you, and you were never gonna fully trust him. Doubt like that can rip a club apart,” Rock insists.
“Yeah, but everyone else was ready to patch him in. I’m the one who cocked it up.”
“You don’t know that for sure. Besides, I offered to get him into Sway’s club.”
“You did?”
Rock shoots me a glare, and yeah, I should know better than to interrupt him. “He said no. He made the choice to leave. His heart wasn’t with the club.” His face loses a little of its hard edge. “I understand how you feel about Heidi. Think what that would have been like for you.” He glances at the open war room door. “I like to think we eventually learn from our mistakes.”
I think he’s referring to Wrath and Trinity, and it makes me feel even shittier.
Rock shakes his head. “It’s not the same thing. I shouldn’t have said that.”
“Would you c
hoose the club over Hope?”
I wish I would learn to think before shit comes tumbling out of my mouth sometimes.
Luckily, Rock’s not offended by the question. “No. But she’d never ask me to do that.”
“What do I do now?”
He sighs and stares out the window for a second. “Walk away. She made her choice, too, I guess. You keep pushing, you’ll push her away permanently.”
That’s not exactly what I wanted to hear, even though I know he’s right.
“How did you do it when Hope was married? How’d you walk away?”
This question does seem to piss him off, but I can’t help asking.
“I wanted what was best for her. I thought she was happy. That’s what mattered.”
“How could you stand it?”
“I hated every second, but I didn’t have a choice.”
Ultimately, things worked out for them. A blessing for the club. I can’t picture Rock without Hope anymore. Even if she’s not a “member,” she’s just as vital as anyone else.
I don’t think my story will have the same happy ending. “I need to get out of here for a while.”
Regret and understanding play over Rock’s face and he nods slowly. “Yeah, I get that. I know you don’t want to spend time down at Sway’s.”
“Nah, not right now. Need more distance than that.”
“Chaser’s place is always open to us.”
“I’d rather go some place warmer, maybe.”
“Sparky’s working out a deal with our friends near Phoenix.
“Yeah.” Now there’s a place that can help me get my mind off things. “Complete change of scenery might be best.”
“Don’t forget they’re into harder shit than we are. Riskier.”
“I don’t even think I care right now.”
Rock nails me with what Teller and I have always referred to as his Dad Face. “That’s a good way to land in jail or dead, so you better get your head on straight on the ride down before you decide to stick around.”
“I will. How much longer until Sparky needs me to go down there?”
“Should be any day.”
“Good, I have some loose ends to tie up around here.”
“I trust you not to leave us hanging.” Rock’s mouth curves into a slight smirk. “The only thing I ask, is that you make sure you see Hope before you leave.”
“You know it.”
I end up driving behind Axel to his apartment. Eventually my tears dry. I’m still furious with Murphy. Hurt and embarrassed, too. A huge part of me is angry with Axel, to be honest. He acted so calm, like permanently leaving the club meant nothing to him.
My entire world’s ripping apart. The reality that we’re having a baby hasn’t quite set in yet, and now I have to deal with a canyon-sized rift in my family. How will I ever spend time up there with Axel? I want my son or daughter to have the benefit of being around the club. Axel won’t want to spend time up there after this. The club won’t want him there, either.
I’m stuck.
I can’t break up with the father of my child. That’s something my mother would have done.
“You okay, babe?” Axel asks through my open car window.
“Just thinking.”
He stares at the open road behind us. Is he having regrets about leaving the club? Or thinking of driving away and never coming back? “Come on. Let’s go upstairs.”
Butterflies flutter in my belly and my blood pounds through my ears. I’m not ready to do this.
But I have to.
When we’re inside his apartment, he pulls me over to the couch. “I hope you’re not mad at me,” he says.
“About what?”
“That I’m not going to be a part of the MC.”
“Was it Murphy? Did he vote you down?”
“You know I can’t tell you that. It’s for the best, though, Heidi. I know they’re family and you love them, but that lifestyle isn’t for me.”
Lifestyle? What the— Forget it. I can’t bother with that now.
He wraps his hand around mine. “Let’s move in together. I found us a place near school, and Rock gave me some money for the security deposit.”
“He did?”
“Yeah. He wanted to make sure I take good care of you. He’s going to give me a reference for a job.”
A small bit of relief washes over me. Maybe we will still be able to hang out with my family without it being awkward.
“Really?”
“Yeah. And he said I’m always welcome up there for family stuff. So, don’t worry. This won’t change things.”
Sweet relief washes over me. We’re going to be okay. “I need to talk to you.”
My grave tone silences him and he cocks his head, inviting me to speak.
“I—I’m pregnant. I took two tests and they were both—”
“What the fuck?” He jumps up off the couch and paces in front of me. “Are you fucking serious, Heidi?”
His extreme reaction sets off sparks of fear in my stomach. “Calm down.”
“What are we going to do? I don’t want to be a father. I’m only twenty. How could you be so irresponsible? I thought you were on the pill?”
Oh, hell no. I practically fly off the couch and just barely restrain myself from choking him. “Do you think I got pregnant on my own? This is as much your fault as mine, Mr. ‘There’s no sensation when I wear a condom.’”
He glares at me and shoves his hands through his hair again. “Did you make an appointment yet?”
My stomach churns, because I don’t think he’s asking if I made an appointment with my doctor.
“No,” I whisper.
“Heidi. We’re not ready. You’re not ready for a baby. It’s going to fuck everything up for both of us.”
He’s not saying anything I haven’t thought of myself, but each word stings so bad. I wanted him to comfort me and wanted us to sit down and figure things out together. I never expected him to be so furious.
“Is it even mine?”
His question pierces my heart. “How can you ask me that? You’re my only—”
“You and—”
“No!”
His eyes linger on mine, but I hold his stare. “Heidi, this isn’t fair. You promised me if something like this happened, you’d get rid of it.”
That’s true. And at the time I absolutely meant it, but now? I can’t. “I can’t. I always thought…but this is different. It’s real. And I can’t.”
I search his eyes, his face, seeking a trace of something I recognize. But all I find is anger.
“I’m out of here,” he says, opening the door and slamming it behind him.
A nasty voice inside my head asks why I’m so surprised.
I’ve always been easy to leave.
It’s dark and I’m sprawled out on the couch. I should have left. Gone back to my brother’s apartment, but I’m mad at him, too. If there’s a chance of working this out with Axel, I need to do that before I tell my brother I’m pregnant.
My hand settles over my stomach. Even if Axel never comes back, this baby’s mine. And at least I know when we made it, we loved each other.
I wonder if my mother ever thinks of me. Wonders if I’m okay? Stupid. I’m pretty sure I know the answer to those questions.
Much later that night, Axel returns to the apartment.
He closes the door quietly and stares at me for a minute. I scramble to sit up, pulling the blanket up to my chin. He sighs and drops down to the opposite end of the couch.
“What do you want to do?”
“Axel—”
“What do you want to do?” he asks a little harsher this time.
“It’s our child.”
He leans forward putting his head in his hands and curses under his breath. After a minute, he picks his head up and stares at me. “Explain it. How does this make sense for us, Heidi?”
I sit up, tucking my feet under me. “I know it doesn’t…make sense. It?
??s the wrong time, but”—my hand settles over my stomach—“I have this little person inside me who I want to know. I want to give her all the things I didn’t have—”
One corner of his mouth lifts in a smile. “Her?”
“It’s a feeling.”
He cradles his head in his hands, staring at the floor for a few minutes before speaking. “We should get married then,” he mumbles.
The shift in the direction of our conversation makes my head spin. “What?”
Finally, he picks his head up and looks at me “I don’t want—we should get married.”
“Earlier you wanted me to get an abortion. Now you want to get married?”
He lifts his shoulders. A quick, jerky movement. “At least maybe then your brother won’t kill me.”
His attempt at a joke sucks. When I don’t say anything, he walks into his bedroom and returns with a red velvet box. “I was planning to give this to you after graduation anyway.”
“What is it?” Stupid question. Obviously, it’s a ring. He confirms it by opening the box and plucking out a delicate white gold ring that sparkles with tiny diamonds surrounding one larger diamond. There are scrolls and filigrees, giving it an antique look.
“It was my grandmother’s,” he explains after pushing it on my finger.
“It’s beautiful. Your parents won’t mind?”
His shoulders lift. “My grandmother left it to me, to give to my future wife.”
“And you were planning to give it to me?”
“Yeah.” His mouth turns up in a sad imitation of a smile. “When the time was right.”
Things settle down at the club after Axel leaves. No one talks about it. Hoot and Birch don’t ask any questions about where their buddy went. Axel’s out. No further conversations need to happen.
Well, one conversation needs to happen, but Heidi won’t speak to me. Won’t answer my calls or texts. Nothing.
Teller finds me in the garage a couple afternoons later and stops to watch what I’m working on. Although I talk to him every day, we haven’t talked about Heidi or the vote.
“You hear from her?” he asks while I’m sifting through my toolbox.