“Except you’re half naked in public.” Perfect, I thought.
Kaden smirked as he looked around. “Have you seen how the people dress around here? No one will notice. Trust me.” But I was noticing and any girl with eyes was sure to see Kaden’s toned chest and the ridges of his abdominal muscles. It was unfair how good he looked and I assumed that’s why God had given him such a bad attitude. It was the universe’s way of balancing things out.
I took a sip of my drink hoping that the alcohol would help me relax around him, but as he leaned closer again, I felt like my first kiss was imminent and my mouth suddenly became dry.
I let the straw fall from my lips, as I stood, frozen in place like the guy who was painted silver and entertaining tourists for tips.
His lips parted and I could feel the cool fan of his breath over my nose as his mouth circled the other straw and he took a drink, my heart deflating.
“That tastes like shit,” he groaned, his face twisting in disgust. “I need to find me a man drink.”
“A man drink?” I snorted, shaking my head as I took another drink and we began to make our way through the crowd. “What’s that consist of? Motor oil and lawn clippings?”
“Laugh at me if you must, but I won’t be the one with an upset stomach from all of that sugary shit.”
“Whatever,” I rolled my eyes as we navigated the crowded street.
Kaden found a bar that opened up on the street and ordered himself some hard liquor that smelled like rubbing alcohol. He looked exhausted but he didn’t complain as I excitedly toured the city.
***
August 7, 2015
I didn’t think about where we would go for the night as the sun began to fade. The music only seemed to grow louder and I didn’t want to ever go to sleep, afraid that I’d miss something.
“I think I may die of exhaustion but there is so much to see here, I can’t understand how anyone gets any rest.”
“It’s easy to forget how beautiful something is when you see it every day. They take it for granted,” he replied but it seemed like he was talking more to himself.
“I would never take this place for granted. Not one minute.”
“You may not be saying that when you see the type of hotel room I can afford.”
I laughed and he offered me a tired smile. “Let’s go.”
I think Kaden would have stayed out there with me all night if I wanted. He wasn’t nearly as bad as he saw himself. In fact, he was kinder than most people I knew all my life, even though he’d never admit it.
We left the Quarter and got a room a few streets from all of the chaos. Even though the room was small and dingy, it wasn’t cheap. But he didn’t complain as we pulled his car into the parking lot and he unloaded our bags, insisting on carrying mine for me.
When we stepped inside, my eyes went to the one double bed that sat in the center. Kaden didn’t seem to even notice but my mind was racing as I thought about having to share it with him.
“You want to run through the shower first?” he asked and I remembered how sticky I felt.
“I guess.” I shrugged, chewing on my lip as I struggled to pretend my heart wasn’t thudding against the wall of my chest. Could I actually strip off all of my clothing just a few feet away from him?
Taking my bag from his hand, I walked over to the bathroom door and looked inside.
“Sorry, this isn’t as nice as you’re used to.” He ran his hand over the back of his head nervously and my heart sank.
“No, it’s great. Really.” How did I explain that I hadn’t ever shared my space with a guy I liked before? I’m sure he knew considering I’d never really left my house.
“Look. It’s just until I have some steady income, alright?” There was an irritation to his voice and it was setting off the panic in my belly.
“It’s not that, okay?” I dropped my bag on the floor as I felt my face heat. “This is just… weird.”
His face screwed up in confusion before he walked to my side and looked into the bathroom before his gaze fell to meet mine. “Looks like a normal bathroom to me, princess.” He roughed up my hair with his hand like you would do with a dog or a toddler and my anxiety turned to rage. Blame my teenage hormones or the lack of medication today, but I was getting really tired of being misunderstood.
“I don’t want to get naked in front of you, asshole!”
He stumbled backward a step and he looked as though I’d slapped him. “I didn’t ask you to,” he yelled back with just as much anger.
I groaned loudly, stomping into the bathroom and slamming the door.
“Lila,” he called from the other side and I twisted the lock to give myself a moment alone. Sinking down on the edge of the tub, I cried into my palms as everything that had been happening sank in.
I wanted to know if my brother was alright and if my parents even cared that I was gone, or if they were relieved not to have to bother with me anymore.
“Lila,” I didn’t mean to embarrass you,” Kaden’s muffled voice cut through the sound of my sobbing.
“Go away.”
“Where do you want me to go? You know what? Fine.”
I stood up and listened as his footsteps grew faint and then the door to our room slammed shut behind him. I waited a moment before pulling open the bedroom door, instantly feeling more alone than ever.
The room was empty besides our belongs that had just been brought in.
I retreated back into the bathroom and hurried through my shower while I still had a little bit of privacy.
I used the time to shed a few more tears as I wondered if he’d abandoned me for good, heading off into another unknown.
My mind went to my phone that was still in the front pocket of my bag. I would never hear the end of it, but I was still pretty certain my father would come get me and not just right me off as a lost cause.
As many chances as they’d given my brother, I couldn’t imagine that I’d used up all of mine just yet.
But I knew they still felt guilty over his hearing loss and they had blamed themselves. Forgiving his transgressions eased their conscious. I, on the other hand, didn’t have what they perceived as an excuse and I’d always excelled at my school work. I had set impossible standards and now anything less than perfection was regarded as a failure.
I was glad that I had a slight reprieve from that but I also worried that I’d be missing the beginning of school. I wouldn’t get to pick my own seat in each class, I would fall behind on the lessons and have to work doubly hard to make up all the testing I’d missed.
It was then I realized where Kaden’s frustration with me was coming from. This was real life for him. For me, it was only an escape. I never truly committed to never seeing my parents again. How could I?
Grabbing my book from my bag, I did what I always did whenever I was overwhelmed by real life, I got lost in a story and imagined I was the main character, living vicariously through the written words. But this story didn’t have a happy ending and part of me knew that my story wouldn’t either.
FIFTEEN
KADEN
August 8, 2015
Normally, spending some time alone in New Orleans would have been a dream, but knowing Lila was back in our room mad at me was driving me crazy. I shouldn’t have cared what she thought and the fact that she was so offended I was even in the same room where she would shower pissed me off.
I’d tried to be her friend and open up to her but it was glaringly obvious I would never be good enough. I was just glad we were interrupted earlier before I kissed her in the middle of the road and humiliated myself.
She wasn’t even my type. She wasn’t anyone’s type who wasn’t a figment of some fictional character’s imagination.
I drank my lukewarm beer from my plastic cup before lighting a cigarette and disappearing into a cloud of smoke.
I’d been gone for hours and it was growing increasingly impossible to keep my eyes open as the night gave way to early
morning. My legs felt like they were going to give out from my own weight, or maybe it was the weight of my problems I carried on my shoulders.
Before I knew it, I was staring at the old hotel, my car, black and shiny, standing out like a sore thumb in front of the gray exterior. I could have slept in it tonight, had I thought to take my keys with me when I stormed out of the room.
The curtain to room 226 moved and I realized Lila had spotted me.
“Fuck,” I muttered, flicking my cigarette to the ground as I stalked toward our door. It opened before I could even insert my key and Lila looked like she definitely didn’t use the time to calm down.
“Where have you been?”
I walked by her and fell backward onto the bed with a grunt. “Out.”
“I’ve been worried sick.” Slamming the door, Lila was standing between me and the television.
“You wanted privacy, I gave you privacy. What’s the problem?”
Her eyes narrowed but she seemed to be struggling with a valid argument. I’d given her what she’d wanted. She didn’t have a right to be mad. If anyone did, it was me. I had spent my hard earned money on this shithole.
My eyes scanned her jean shorts and fitted shirt. “Why are you dressed like that?”
“What’s wrong with what I’m wearing?” She asked as she looked down over herself.
“Nothing but it looks uncomfortable to sleep in.”
“I forgot to bring pajamas,” she confessed with a sheepish grin.
I rolled my eyes, sitting up and tugging my t-shirt over my head. “Here.”
“Your shirt? You’re going to run out of clothes if you keep lending them to me.”
I nodded as I stood up and unbuttoned my jeans, kicking them off to the ground. At least one of us had prepared for the trip. Lila packed as if she was going on a weekend vacation.
Lila disappeared into the bathroom, returning moments later with her clothing neatly folded in her hand. But all I could focus on was her thin legs that looked a mile long under my shirt that looked ten sizes too big. She tucked her hair behind her ear as her teeth dug into her bottom lip.
I was suddenly all too aware of why Lila shouldn’t be in the same room with me. Sleeping next to her was going to be more difficult than I thought.
“I look ridiculous,” she giggled as she walked toward the bed, lifting the covers to slide in beside me.
“You look cute.” She beamed at my words and I wondered how often Lila was told that, if ever. She had washed all of her makeup off and wearing only my shirt and her smile, she was the most beautiful I’d ever seen her.
Pulling the covers up to her chest, she laid on her back staring up at the ceiling that was plastered on large swirling circles.
We both fell silent and I struggled to think of something to say to make the situation less awkward.
“So, you play the guitar?” She asked.
“A little,” I confessed.
“I’d like to hear you play something sometime.”
“Perhaps.” I’d never really played in front of anyone but Taylor.
Rolling onto her side to face me, Lila propped her head up on her hand with a playful smile on her lips. “Perhaps? What is that supposed to mean?”
“I don’t really like to play in front of people.”
“You’re scared. Wow. I didn’t think you were scared of anything,” she laughed softly as her long hair swayed against my arm lightly.
“Of course, I’m scared of things. I just don’t let that stop me from doing what I want to do.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really.”
“What scares you?” she challenged and I turned my face to look at her. She was only a few inches above me and I felt that familiar pull I had felt earlier on the street. But I still felt like Lila wasn’t touchable. Like she was too good for someone like me. I knew it was crazy as we laid side by side in this bed, but I couldn’t ignore my insecurities.
“You,” I confessed quietly as her lips parted and she sucked in a ragged breath.
“Why do I scare you?” her voice was barely a whisper but her words weighed heavily on me. Do I tell her that I’ve been thinking about kissing her all day? Do I tell her that she would be stupid to let me?
I pushed myself up onto my own elbow so we were eye to eye. “You don’t have any idea how beautiful you are and I’m kind of glad you don’t because I think if you did, you would know that you could crush me, without even trying.”
Her eyes widened fractionally as she searched my expression for truth, but she didn’t have anything to worry about because I’d never been more honest.
“I… I wouldn’t do that.”
“That’s because you don’t believe it’s true.” I reached out cautiously, sliding my fingers into her hair as I slowly pulled her face closer to mine. Her eyes fluttered closed just as our lips touched. I held her mouth against mine, savoring this moment because I knew I’d probably never be so lucky again. I was playing with fire, running my fingers through a wild, dancing flame and hoping I could revel in its warmth before she burned me.
When we finally broke apart, my forehead rested against hers and I kept my eyes closed, steadying my breathing. I had to force myself not to kiss her again because I knew that was something she’d never done and she wasn’t ready. Or maybe I wasn’t ready for that either because, with her, it felt like more than teenagers fooling around. We had more at stake than the average pair.
We’d immediately started our friendship out with a level of trust most people never found in another. No laws, no rules bound us. We were completely free and it was terrifyingly exhilarating.
I didn’t want to screw that up with her and I was still afraid that if I got too close to someone, I’d lose them like I had before. But part of me already knew that there was no way this could last. She would need to go back home and I would probably never see her again. I tried not to think of the parallels between her leaving and losing Taylor but it was impossible to ignore. That was what really scared me but I wasn’t brave enough to admit that to her.
“We should get some sleep,” I whispered but it sounded deafening in the quiet space. Reluctantly, I freed my fingers from her hair and waited for her to lay her head back on her pillow before I did the same. She turned, facing away from me and I placed my arm over her waist so I knew she wasn’t going to vanish when I closed my eyes. Her body stiffened but soon relaxed as her breathing evened out and I knew she’d finally fallen asleep. She must have been exhausted, staying awake only to make sure I returned to the room and nothing had happened to me. I wasn’t used to someone caring.
I had been so good at pushing everyone away, I never noticed when Lila snuck through the cracks.
As I drifted off into another restless night, my mind was fraught with the uncertainties of my future, instead of all of the tragedies that plagued my past.
***
August 8, 2015
Lila’s faced was twisted in anger and I was pleading with her to stay. My gaze was locked on her face like tunnel vision, but when the scene expanded, the guy from the party, Silas, was now at her side with his arm locked around her waist.
“Why would I want to stay here with a loser like you when I can do so much better?” Her words didn’t seem to be her own, but a direct reflection of my own insecurities.
“Lila, I don’t want to be alone,” I begged, feeling my heart seizing in my chest. I clutched at my shirt, clawing at the fabric as I began to suffocate under the pain.
“You’re always going to be alone. Taylor’s heart was so big to make up for you lacking your own.”
“What?” I couldn’t believe she’d be so callous but when my eyes fell the scraps of fabric between my fingers, I could now feel the dampness of my own blood that was trickling from the cavernous hole in my chest where my heart should have been.
I dropped to my knees and Taylor’s father was by my side now.
“She’s gone, Kaden.”
I looked up at his sad eyes before searching for Lila, who had vanished, leaving me to die alone.
***
August 8, 2015
My eyes shot open and my hand frantically searched the other side of the bed for Lila, coming up empty.
“Sorry I woke you,” her voice called out from across the room and I finally inhaled as she turned off the bathroom light and slid back into the bed.
“It’s fine,” I whispered as I slid my arm over her, this time pulling her back against my chest as my eyes fell closed. I never thought I’d be so relieved to not be alone, no matter how selfish that was of me. Letting go of Lila was going to be harder than I thought. But as many times as I screwed up in my life, I couldn’t make her another one of my mistakes.
My arm cinched tighter around her middle and she sighed but didn’t pull away. I laid beside her, my eyes closed, lost in the sound of her steady breathing, using it to calm my own.
SIXTEEN
LILA JANE
August 15, 2015
It had been a week since Kaden had kissed me and ever since that night, he’d been acting strangely. At first, I thought he’d regretted doing it but even with this odd sadness looming in the air, he still held my hand when we ventured out and made sure I always had what I needed.
I wasn’t sure if he was just becoming increasingly worried about what we would do when our money ran out or if it was something heavier weighing on him.
At night, I’d wake up at odd hours to the sound of a pen scratching across the paper in his notebook furiously. I jokingly asked if he was sending my father a ransom note, and he left saying he needed to get some air, not coming back until the sun rose again.
After three days of him wandering the streets at night, I got up the courage to follow him, making sure to keep my distance because I’d already received my fill of lectures about how unsafe it was for me to go out alone, especially at night. He was beginning to sound more and more like my parents and I could feel myself building up a wall between us.