I thought for sure I’d find Kaden sitting at a bar or flirting with some random tourists in the Quarter, but what I discovered hurt much worse. Kaden was standing along the road, his guitar in hand as he sang the most heartbreakingly beautiful song about the pain he’d experienced.
I was frozen in place, unable to walk away even though he’d made it clear that this was something personal to him. But as I watched the other people gather around him, dropping bills and coins into a hat, I felt betrayed.
Why was it okay for him to share this with people he didn’t know but he refused to open up to me?
I watched, wide-eyed, as he thanked a beautiful young blonde for her tip and winked at her, his smile growing as she touched his arm and deepening the dimples in both his cheeks. I hadn’t even been able to make him smile that widely.
My stomach twisted and before I could run back to our room, his head lifted and he noticed me, his smile fading. I didn’t know what to say or to do so I just shook my head and disappeared through the people, walking as fast as I could back to the hotel.
I could hear him calling out my name but his voice grew more distant until it faded altogether and I knew he wasn’t chasing after me.
When I reached our room, I began to shove all of my belongings into my bag, hoping I still had enough cash left to possibly get me a bus ticket home.
As my eyes did one final scan of the room, the door opened and Kaden stepped inside, his guitar still in his hand.
“Can we talk?”
“Nope,” I seethed as I slung my bag over my shoulder. “Go talk to your new friends out there.” I walked toward him and he grabbed my arm, my body stiffening but I didn’t pull away.
“Lila, come on. Don’t be like this.”
“Like what? You want to tell me how to be now? I already have a dad, Kaden. I don’t need you acting like him.”
“I’m not trying to act like your father. I just want to keep you safe.”
“Why do you even care? You feel obligated to babysit me now? Well, job well done. Now I’m going to go find somewhere else to go.”
“Why are you so pissed off at me?” His voice rose in frustration which only compounded my anger. He didn’t get to be mad. I hadn’t done anything wrong.
“Why did you make such a big deal about not wanting to play your songs for me but you went out and played them for everyone else?”
“Because they’re strangers, Lila. I don’t care what they think.”
“But you care what I think?”
“Of course, I do.”
I hadn’t expected that answer and it deflated my rage but I still wasn’t ready to forgive him. “What? You think I’d judge you for singing about losing Taylor? You believe I'm that heartless?”
He was clenching his jaw now as if trying to bite back what was on his mind.
“You know what? Forget about it. I don’t know why I even cared.” I yanked my arm free from his grip and grabbed the door handle, desperate to escape the claustrophobic space. As I pulled it open and a woosh of night air blew in, he finally spoke.
“It was about you.”
I turned around, not sure I’d heard him correctly. “What?”
“The song wasn’t about losing Taylor. It was about losing you.”
“Why…” I let the door fall closed behind me. “You haven’t lost me. I’m right here with you.”
He shook his head, looking to the floor. “Not yet.”
“Kaden, I’m not going anywhere.”
“Really? Because that packed bag on your back says otherwise.”
I let the bag fall to my feet, hating that he was right. Things got bad and I was ready to run back home. “I’m sorry.”
“Don't apologize. You shouldn’t be here. I should have sent you home a long time ago.”
“Then why didn’t you?” My eyes narrowed as my anger began to resurface.
“I’m selfish. I don’t want you to leave.”
I swallowed hard, not wanting to read too much into his words but it felt good to hear that he wanted me with him.
“Are you still going to go?” he asked as he sank down on the edge of the bed, pulling the guitar strap over his head and propping it on the floor against the bed.
“Play me the song.”
“Lila,” he protested but I shook my head.
“It’s about me. It’s my song. Play it for me.”
He inhaled deeply before he picked up his guitar, clearing his throat as he placed it on his lap.
I could tell he was debating internally about showing this part of himself but I wanted to hear what he was willing to say to the rest of the world.
His eyes fell closed and his fingers strummed the strings. I watched him, mesmerized as his face contorted into a look of regret as the words began to leave his lips.
“She doesn’t think I see her, but I’m the one who needs her… to hold my hand and… make me a better man. Dressed up in strings of pearls, she’ll never be my girl. One day I hope she sees,” his eyes opened, finding mine as he continued. “That she’s too good for me.”
That last line sent a chill snaking down my spine and I wanted to run to him and wrap my arms around his neck and tell him he was wrong. But I stood frozen, lost in the deep, gravelly sound of his voice.
“I’m too weak to say goodbye, as she spreads her wings and learns to fly. I’ll smile through the pain and never regret the death of Lila Jane.”
Stepping in front of him I placed my finger on his lips to stop him from singing. He sat the guitar on the bed beside him and slowly stood, his body so close I could feel the heat radiating off him and I wondered if he could hear my heart hammering in my chest. Looping his arms around my waist, he pulled me tight against him before his mouth was on mine. I let my hands fall to his chest, melting in his arms as his lips parted.
My knees felt like they might give out from under me but his strong arms held me firmly in place, his tongue coaxing my own lips to open. I followed his lead, for once, not worried that I might be doing something wrong because it all felt so natural, so right.
I slid my hands up his chest and along the sides of his neck where I could feel his pulse steadily thumping under my fingertips.
I felt alive. I had felt like nothing else before this moment mattered. The adrenaline was rushing through my veins, emboldening me as my hands continued upward into his hair, pulling his face closer to mine.
He let out a tiny groan as he pulled back from me, leaving me breathless and confused.
“I didn’t mean for that to happen,” he whispered and just like that, my mood deflated. I wanted to scream.
“You have a habit of doing things you regret.” I let my hands fall to my sides wishing the floor would open up and swallow me whole.
“I didn’t say I regretted it, I just shouldn’t have done it.”
“Why?” The word came out as a whine.
“You know I’m not the one who should be kissing you.”
“What?” His words had me so confused I thought maybe I’d misheard him.
“Come on. That guy who hit me at the party. It’s pretty obvious he’s in love with you.”
“What?” This time, I yelled it, struggling to stifle a nervous laugh. “Silas does not love me. He loves science.”
“I don’t think you have the first clue how anyone feels about you.” Now he was the one laughing and there was an edge to his voice.
“Yeah, well. He isn’t the one who I was just kissing, so it doesn’t matter how he feels.”
“It doesn’t matter how he feels?” He challenged. “The guy cared enough about you to punch me in the face, and his feelings mean nothing. Okay.” He shook his head, running his hand through his hair causing it to stick up haphazardly.
“Why are we even talking about him right now?”
“Because he’s the good guy, Lila. He is the one who defends your honor, not the guy who starts fights and puts you in danger.”
“So… what? You’re jealous of him?”
>
“Jealous?” He made a face and I suddenly regretted my words. A guy like Kaden wasn’t jealous of other guys because he could get anyone he wanted. Which made me feel even more stupid to think he wanted me. “No, I’m not jealous. I’m just not stupid.”
“I never thought you were.”
He walked away from me, pacing the floor like something had been eating him up inside and now it was clawing its way out. The truth wasn’t always easy, to speak or receive.
“I’m the guy girls like to have fun with, not the guy they stay with. I’m not the boyfriend. And I have no interest in warming you up so he can take the test drive.”
I didn’t even think about it. My hand acted on its own accord as it connected with his cheek. I regretted it the second my palm stung from connecting with his flesh. His hand went to his cheek and he smirked before nodding as if I’d just proved him right about not caring about him.
“I am not your stupid car, Kaden. I am a person and I have feelings.” Tears formed in my eyes and my voice shook but anger was driving me forward and I wasn’t going to stop until I got to say what I needed to say. “I’m not like you. I don’t run around kissing all sorts of people. I gave you no reason to think that I was using you.”
“Maybe I’m using you,” he countered. “Now if you don’t mind, I have to go run around and kiss some more people.”
If he hadn’t stormed out of the door, I would have slapped him again.
It felt like my skin was crawling and I was desperate for something to calm me down. Grabbing an old half-drunken bottle of liquor, I tipped it to my mouth and swallowed back the liquid fire.
I gagged and sputtered, nearly dry heaving as I tried to keep the alcohol down. It wasn’t like the sugary sweet drinks I’d grown fond of. I wondered how Kaden drank it like it was water, not even grimacing from the harsh taste.
I soon learned that after you have enough swigs, it begins to go down much easier and I no longer cared where Kaden had gone.
In fact, going out and kissing a few strangers sounded like fun.
Sliding my feet into my sandals and nearly falling over as my toe got caught on the strap, I cursed out loud before pulling open the door to our room and stumbling outside.
My body felt like it was weightless but my legs didn’t seem to want to listen to my brain and I groaned as my body bounced against a pole that held up the balcony above.
“Motherfucker,” I groaned at the pole as I made my way toward the French Quarter. “Laissez les bons temps rouler!”
SEVENTEEN
KADEN
August 16, 2015
I didn’t want to go back to the room. Not tonight. Not ever. I was beyond pissed at Lila, but mostly at myself.
It was already after midnight but the promise of a new day didn’t diminish the dread I’d been feeling. Or maybe it wasn’t dread at all. Maybe it was something more.
There was no way out of this that I wouldn’t be the bad guy. If I sent her home, it would crush her and if I kept her here, I would ruin any chance she had for a happy future.
Street performing only got us by day by day and no one was going to hire Lila at her age, not to mention the fact that people were probably looking for her. I would never be able to get us out of the hole I’d dug. But I couldn’t go back. Daven, even if he would accept me, didn’t need someone like me around. He had enough shit dumped on his plate.
I had to figure out what I was going to do. Thinking about my future was something new to me. I’d never had a plan and now I was running out of options.
I slapped cash on the bar to pay my tab and leave a tip before stumbling out into the street.
Pulling out a cigarette, I lit it and blew out a cloud of smoke as I wandered down the street, nodding hello to the people I passed by, occasionally pausing to watch a street performer or listen to a good song that played in one of the bars.
But nothing could keep my mind from Lila and as I started back at the hotel, I even thought I heard her voice.
My eyes searched the street and I noticed an older guy talking to a girl. I knew it couldn’t be her, but it didn’t look like she was responding to his advances and he wasn’t letting up.
Taking a final drag of my cigarette, I flicked the butt to the ground and walked toward the commotion.
“I’m not drunk,” I heard Lila slur and she was most definitely drunk.
“What are you doing?” I asked as she rolled her eyes and the guy spun around to face me.
“None of you fucking business,” he snapped and I shook my head. Great.
“It is my business, actually.” I nodded toward Lila. “She’s my business.”
“I’m not your… your… anything!”
I rolled my eyes and focused my attention back on the guy who was clearly too old for Lila.
“She disagrees, asshole.” He turned around to continue to harass Lila, ignoring me.
“Listen. It’s been a really long night and I just want to go back to my room and go to bed. I can’t do that with her.”
“What a coincidence,” he chuckled. “I’d like to take her to bed with me too.”
Clenching my jaw, I twisted my neck from side to side, cracking it, struggling to not lose my temper. When was the last time I actually tried not to get in a fight? What the hell was this girl doing to me?
“That’s funny.” I laughed but there was no humor in my voice. “Lila, let’s go.” I stepped around him and grabbed her arm but she yanked it free from my grip, stumbling over her own feet.
“She doesn’t want to go with you,” the asshole, whose life expectancy that was dwindling faster than Lila’s coherence, snapped, shoving hard against my chest.
“She doesn’t have a choice and if you touch me again, you’re going to regret it,” I warned, holding out my hand for Lila. She looked down at my palm, uncertain if she wanted to finally just give in. “Lila, I’m sorry, alright? Let me take you back to the room.”
Her teeth had raked over her bottom lip before she slid her fingers over mine. I smiled with relief but as we began to walk away, the stranger just couldn’t keep his mouth shut.
“Whatever. I didn’t want that ugly bitch anyway.”
I turned around, feeling every nerve ending in my body come alive as adrenaline pumped through my body like nitrous oxide through a racecar.
I released Lila’s hand as I swung, hitting the jerk on the left side of his nose. I could feel it give way under my knuckles as blood sprayed from his nostrils. His body hit the pavement and he yelled out a few more curse words but none of them were insults to Lila. Problem solved.
“Hey,” A deep voice called from the parking lot across the road.
“Shit!” I grabbed Lila’s hand and pulled her along as I ran between the old buildings.
“Why are we running?” She whined but I didn’t let her slow down.”
“If we get arrested, we’re screwed.” I dug the room key from my pocket and hurried to twist it in the lock. We fell inside, barely able to contain our breathing as I closed the door behind us.
“Fuck. That was close,” I panted, as I moved the curtain to the side to see if anyone was following us but the parking lot looked empty.
“Oh God,” Lila groaned.
“What?” I hurried to her side just as the color drained from her face. “The running.” Her hand went to her stomach and she doubled over.
Guiding her into the bathroom, she bent over the toilet just as the contents of her stomach resurfaced.
I held her hair and rubbed my hand over her back until she finally calmed down, before carrying her to bed and filling a water bottle for her.
“I feel like I’m dying,” she groaned as I slid into the bed beside her.
“I won’t let that happen,” I reassured her just as she passed out.
EIGHTEEN
LILA JANE
August 16, 2015
I woke up covered in a thin sheen of sweat, my heart racing inside of my chest.
“
Whats wrong?” Kaden sat up, the blanket falling down and exposing his bare chest. He rubbed the heel of his hand against his eye as he struggled to stifle a yawn.
“Panic attack,” I panted as I pushed my hair from my face.
“What? What can I do?” He asked as he threw off the cover.
“I need my medicine.” It felt like my skin was crawling.
“Shit,” Kaden pushed off the bed and grabbed my bookbag, digging through it as the contents fell to the floor around him. “I can’t find them.”
“That’s because I left them at home. I’m so stupid.”
“You left your medicine at home? Why would you do that?” The anger in his voice only made me feel worse. He swiped something from the ground and turned it over in his hand. “You brought Romeo and Juliet but you didn’t bring your medicine?”
“It’s a required read this year,” I yelled, dragging my fingers through my tangled hair.
“Lila, are you planning on commuting back to school every day?”
“Stop yelling at me!” I grabbed my head in hopes of being able to stop it from thumping. I’m never going to drink again.
“I’m sorry,” he groaned as he circled the bed and knelt down next to me. Sinking to his knees, he stroked my hair as he looked me in the eyes. “You’re fine. Everything is fine. I’m not going to let anything happen to you. I promise.”
I nodded, the anxiety in my body dissipating as it was being replaced with something else… butterflies. He pulled me against his chest, banding his strong arms around me as he held me, whispering into my ear.
“You’re okay. Everything is okay.”
I closed my eyes, getting lost in the moment, surrounded by Kaden. His touch, his smell. It was all consuming. I was very aware he was in nothing but a pair of blue boxers and me in my panties and his too large t-shirt.
“I know it hurts but you just have to accept it. Embrace it. Pain lets you know you’re still alive.”
“That sounds awful.”
“Yeah, well. Some of us had had some pretty bad shit happen to us. Sometimes that was what got me through.”
“Like this?” I asked as I ran my fingertip lightly over the jagged scar on his ribs. He shuttered and goosebumps trailed my touch.