“You were never against me like this before,” he said. “You were always my best friend. Now you don’t want to be anyone’s friend!”
She could tell he was fighting tears.
“You’re not the only one who can run away, you know. Is this how it was in your home? Your parents acting like they hate you, like they don’t care what you need?”
“You know nothing about it!”
“I’m trying to know about it but you won’t let me!”
They stared each other down for a moment.
Their hamburgers arrived and the talking stopped. But Charlie didn’t eat. He pushed his plate away. “I’m not hungry,” he said. “I’m going home.”
He pulled his jacket on and stormed out of the diner, leaving Lin Su to sit alone with two plates of food. Stubbornly, she cut her burger in half and began to eat. When she had finished half her burger she asked for two take-home cartons. She carried them across the street, went through the flower shop to the back stairs and up to her loft. Charlie was sitting on the sofa, laptop open.
“Eat your dinner,” she said, putting the carton on the coffee table. Then she went to the bedroom, longing for a door to close.
* * *
The days after that confrontation with Charlie were dark for Lin Su. She felt abandoned all over again. Blake called almost every day and she sent him to voice mail where he left messages asking her to please open her mind to the many positive possibilities. He even said, “I know you’re listening to my messages because you’re stubborn and hardheaded but you’re not that stubborn and you know I care about you and Charlie. Please, let’s at least talk.”
She tried to stop listening to his messages, but since he would never really know, she listened. And she longed for him.
But he was causing her to lose control of Charlie and she couldn’t allow it.
Charlie had defied her. He continued to be Blake’s friend and student, working out there. They probably talked about what a fool she was behind her back and with a heavy heart she checked around for another job, relieved that none materialized.
“I know there’s a problem,” Winnie said. “I just don’t know what it is.”
“There’s no problem that I’m aware of.”
“Charlie is troubled, you’re troubled. Blake doesn’t stay for dinner with us anymore.”
“Ah, that. Well, that didn’t work out for me, Winnie, that’s all. I’m afraid I just don’t want to date Blake and there’s no way to find a happy medium. Charlie is understandably disappointed,” she said, trying to back Winnie off the trail. “I was afraid of exactly that, afraid that in seeing Blake, Charlie might have expectations. We’ll get through this. Charlie and Blake seem to remain friends at least.”
Winnie stared at her for a long moment. “You really underestimate me. My body is deteriorating but my mind is as sharp as it ever was. Remember that when you spin me a tale.”
“I have no idea what you mean,” Lin Su said.
“And there you go again...”
* * *
Somewhere in the second week of December, Peyton went into labor. There was some excitement as her ob-gyn had been concerned about the baby’s position and when labor was well under way he hadn’t yet turned. They didn’t wait long before doing a C-section and bringing a large, healthy baby boy into the world.
“I’m the last one left,” Grace complained. “They all went early and I’ll probably be two weeks late!”
Lin Su was remembering how terrified she was when Charlie was due to be born. Not of giving birth but about how she would live, how they would survive. She’d even called Marilyn twice. Please, don’t turn your back on me now! I have a son coming anytime and I don’t know how we’ll make it!
We gave you everything, Marilyn had said. We gave you a luxurious lifestyle, a fabulous education, everything a child could want. If you put him up for adoption, I might reconsider. But I won’t have you take further advantage of us.
In the midst of this traumatic month, Winnie had chosen to support a fund-raiser. It was a black-tie event in North Bend. “I bought us a table. We’ll all go together. Lin Su, I’ll need you with me. I want you to go. I want Charlie to go.”
“Ah, Winnie, I will go to make sure you have all the assistance you need, but I’ll go as your nurse, not your guest.”
“No, that’s not how it will be. I have dresses for you to look at, dresses I’ll probably never wear again. Or, if you prefer, Grace is going to shop for something in the maternity style and you can go with her to find your own cocktail dress.”
They argued back and forth for a while but the argument was won by Winnie. Not because she was so eloquent but because she badgered Lin Su into trying on one of her dresses and Lin Su fell in love. She hadn’t worn a beautiful, fancy dress since high school, since that other life.
Charlie wanted to opt out of the gala and just stay home, but Winnie wouldn’t hear of it. “You’ll want to go to this one,” she said. “Blake is the speaker. It’s a fund-raiser for the Neighborhood Club of Coos County. Troy is getting you a shirt and tie.”
“Blake?” Lin Su asked, feeling her spirits plummet. “Oh, Winnie...”
“But there’s no hard feelings between you,” Winnie said, challenging Lin Su’s story. “And of course he’s a friend of ours. And Charlie’s.”
Lin Su wasn’t fooled. Winnie was matchmaking again. She thought that if Lin Su dressed up and Blake came off well, everything would be fine and go back to the way things were.
She was trapped. But she knew she could be passive and polite and get this event behind her.
* * *
The night of the fund-raiser, Lin Su and Charlie put on their fancy clothes at Winnie’s house, and right before they were to leave, Troy helped Grace slowly up the stairs from their apartment.
“I’m sorry, Mama, but we’re not going to be able to go. I might still be here when you get home later but I’m having contractions. I’m definitely in labor but we’ve called the midwife and she said to wait until they’re a little longer and closer together. It’s just that the place for me is definitely not a gala.”
“Oh, Grace!” Winnie said. “I should stay here with you!”
“No, you should go. We’ll keep you posted on our progress. We might still be waiting for some action at midnight. On the other hand, if we’re lucky we’ll head for the hospital and let you know.”
“Makes sense,” Mikhail said. “They don’t take attendance at fancy parties. If we leave, we leave.” He gave Grace a little kiss on the cheek. “Good luck, pupsik. I hope she comes marching out quickly.”
* * *
The Neighborhood Club gala was held in the ballroom of a large hotel. There was a silent auction of items donated by individuals and businesses. Large round tables were hung with white tablecloths and festive Christmas arrangements. There was a stage and podium with a microphone and some of the Neighborhood Club board members, the director of the club and chair of the event and their spouses were to be seated at the two tables in front of that podium.
Blake was the special guest. His job was to present two awards for special achievements to teens who had been regulars at one of the clubs for a long time and had managed to perform athletically, in community service and academically even though they came from disadvantaged households. The awards would also come with partial scholarships. Then Blake would give a brief keynote before the evening’s end.
He had arrived a little early, as he always did. He liked to visit with the gala planners, volunteers, board members or dignitaries who came in support of the nonprofit. He always enjoyed a first look at auction items and would bid on at least a couple. He’d smile, shake a lot of hands, congratulate many and, if there was a God, greet treasured friends.
There would be five hundred guests tonight, a wo
rthy crowd for a town and county this size. He’d spoken at and attended many such events that were far larger in bigger cities. There was one in Phoenix that offered a racehorse and diamond ring as part of their auction items; in New York City the grand item was a Mercedes coupe. His job tonight was to entertain, inspire and motivate.
He chatted with a great many people before he saw who he was looking for. She was not easy to spot because she was so small. Tonight she wore heels, making her almost as tall as Mikhail. Her elegant black dress with a silver wrap clung to that woman’s body he had been missing so much. He longed to reach for her and enfold her in his arms. Beside her stood Charlie, as tall as his mother and still growing, wearing a new suit. No one else would realize it but in just a couple of months he’d buffed out a little bit, his shoulders a little broader. And it looked as if someone had not only outfitted him for tonight’s event but managed to get him a haircut. He hoped that Lin Su had been the one to make sure Charlie put his best foot forward tonight.
He pushed his way through the crowd of beautifully dressed guests until he reached them. He bent to kiss Winnie’s cheek. “Thanks for supporting this fund-raiser, Winnie,” he said. He shook Mikhail’s hand. Then he reached for Lin Su to give her what could best be described as a social hug. He kissed her on the cheek because she turned her face. “I’m glad you’re here. Thanks for coming.” He shook Charlie’s hand and complimented him on the haircut, making the kid grin. “I saw your place cards on a table up front.” He looked around. “I don’t see Grace and Troy.”
“Well, they are indisposed by early labor,” Winnie said. “We had to leave them home. I wanted to stay with Grace but she said she might still be home through the night. They’re waiting for the contractions to get stronger and closer.”
“So you will understand if we take our leave during your speech,” Mikhail said.
“Absolutely!” Blake said. “That’s wonderful news! You’ll be a grandmother before Christmas!”
“If I’m not, Grace will be very cranky,” Winnie said. “I believe you’re in demand, Mr. Smiley.”
He looked over his shoulder to see that cocktail-toting admirers were lining up behind him, waiting for his conversation to be over so they could meet him.
“Find your table, Winnie. Relax. I think the program will be starting in just fifteen minutes or so.”
Then he turned to say hello to other attendees.
As was typical of such evenings, all the salutations and presentations seemed to go on for a very long time. Blake sat at a table right next to Winnie’s but all he could really see of Lin Su was her profile. Charlie was one of very few guests under the age of twenty-one and the majority were over forty. Blake couldn’t help but notice that a lot of the charity’s movers and shakers approached Winnie at her table, introduced themselves and shook her hand. He should have known—Winnie was undoubtedly a well-known donor.
Meals were beginning to be served, decanters of wine were placed on tables and the program began. One by one people stood at the microphone to thank people, introduce hard-working volunteers, say a few words about the positive growth of the organization, give statistics about the number of kids served, special projects completed and future plans for the Neighborhood Club.
Finally, with dinner nearly finished, the recipients of the awards were introduced and Blake stepped up to the stage to hand the plaques to them and shake their hands.
He was introduced to the sound of enthusiastic applause.
“I’m Blake Smiley and I’m a professional athlete and businessman. On your programs tonight you’ll see this organization’s mission statement. We endeavor to meet the needs of kids from the ages of seven to seventeen who need a place of refuge, encouragement, guidance and companionship. Because of this mission, most Neighborhood Clubs are erected in the poorest neighborhoods. And proceeds from tonight’s fund-raiser will, in part, fund the beginning of an internship that will bring students of sociology, psychology and education at the college level to the organization to reduce the ratio of kids to counselors to give better results, so get out your wallets. This is important.
“There were no such clubs or gathering places when I was a kid or where I was a kid. In fact, my presence here tonight is a miracle of great proportions, but it’s the kind of miracle I like to talk about because I guess you could say I relate to kids who don’t have advantages. A friend of mine asked me if I liked to talk to people about survival of the fittest and I said no. No, I like to talk about survival of the weakest. I was the weakest. I fought rats for food, shared bonfires with transients to stay warm and ate at soup kitchens. And I learned to run.
“I wasn’t the only kid who struggled with life. It’s a sad but true fact that lots of kids have serious challenges that might make them stronger, but how will they use that strength in the end? What end? When you live in fear, you compensate, find a place where you can be less afraid, and sometimes that place isn’t a good place. When you’re fourteen, you don’t know that what you need is safety, pride and potential. And even if you knew, would you know where to look?
“When I was fourteen, placed in a foster home and forced to attend school, there was a teacher and coach who took one look at me and figured me out. I thought he was an old coot, but it turned out he was thirty-two at the time. He said, ‘Where you from, kid?’ And I looked him in the eye and said, ‘Water Street and Power.’ And he grinned at me and said, ‘I know that block. I came from right near there. We come outta that block mean as snakes. So, what does a kid like you do for fun?’ I think I snarled something like, ‘I run for my supper, old man.’ And he answered, ‘That so?’ Then he took me to the track where the track-and-field team were warming up and he said, ‘Let’s get a time, see what you got.’ So I ran for him. He clicked off his stopwatch and said, ‘Don’t ever lie to me again, boy.’ I was so confused. I hadn’t lied about my neighborhood. I’d pitched it right in his face so he’d back off and leave me alone. Instead, he said, ‘If you came from that street you’d be able to run or you’d look a lot worse than you do. So let’s see where you’re really from because you look soft to me.’
“So I ran for him, but this time I ran like my life depended on it, like I’d done before, refusing to be afraid of anything, refusing to care about anyone or anything because deep down inside I knew I wasn’t good enough for anything but getting away and trying to stay alive. When I was running from guys who wanted to turn me upside down and shake me till a quarter fell out and then kick me for good measure, I knew how to run. Pretty soon they didn’t even bother to chase me because I was too fast for them. So I ran for him. And he clicked off the stopwatch and said, ‘That’s what I’m talking about.’
“That coach or a variation on that coach hangs out at every Neighborhood Club in this county and he’s watching for the kid who needs help with homework or learns to open up a little bit while he’s shooting pool with counselors and volunteers. He’s looking for that kid, like me, who is scared to death, mad as bloody hell, needs to learn some boundaries and has to figure out a better end to his story. He might find it making music or playing team sports or giving back, like going with a group to a pediatrics ward or nursing home. We look at it as just a little molding and reshaping, something that can turn a badass like me into a competitor. You think winner? Oh, you’d be absolutely right, but not the kind of winning you imagine, not the kind that brings gold medals. It’s the kind of winning where you finally trade the fear and start working to overcome that thing you’re most afraid of. It can be anything. It’s not always the stuff that drove someone like me forward. You don’t have to live with rats or run from gangbangers to have something to overcome. It could be poverty. It could be loneliness, abuse, a health problem, a struggle with schoolwork. It could even be a weight problem. We all bring baggage with us and it doesn’t have a monetary value—it’s the weight on our hearts and minds that holds us back.
&nbs
p; “At the Neighborhood Club they specialize in fear. They might teach you to run like your life depends on it when no one is chasing you. No matter what it is, they’ll dig in and search for some kind of answer.
“When you’re lucky enough to find help putting together a satisfying and productive life, as I was, you come away with a few lessons. I’d like to share them with you, if I can, though I’m still learning and growing and nowhere near ready to stop.
“Just because you’re poor doesn’t mean you have to be poor in spirit.
“Just because you’ve lost faith doesn’t mean you can’t learn to trust again.
“Just because you’re afraid doesn’t mean you’re doomed.
“Just because you’re angry doesn’t mean you have to live in rage.
“Just because you’ve been wronged doesn’t mean you can’t forgive, often forgiving yourself first.
“Just because you’re hurt doesn’t mean you won’t heal.
“Just because you fell back a few steps doesn’t mean your next step can’t move you forward again.
“Just because it’s very dark doesn’t mean there is no light ahead.
“And just because you’ve been let down and disappointed doesn’t mean you won’t find love. The kind of love that is safe, enduring and powerful.”
* * *
Lin Su listened to Blake’s words. She knew she would be impressed; she’d been impressed since the moment they first met. She loved him. While he spoke about the struggle of his life and the powerful forces that seemed to plot against his success, she was examining her own baggage. Every single point he listed applied to her directly. She had resented her adoptive family not caring about her, and now that one did, she resisted. She had been poor and bereft, and now that she lived well, she threatened to throw it all away and move, just to have her way. She had hated Charlie’s father for his lack of committed love, so refused to yield to love and trust offered by a better man.
There was a standing ovation for Blake, and Lin Su was the very first to her feet. The only person in the room who didn’t stand was Winnie. Blake shook hands with the director, then turned to exit the platform and walk back to his table. His eyes were on Lin Su and her eyes were on him. As he neared his table, she began to walk toward him.