“We’ll get through it together.” He reached out, and his hand covered her own on the bed. “You’ve just got to remember that I’m here for you. I’ll not let you be pulled back.”
“It can’t be that bad. I got through the rest just fine.”
“And you’ll get through this, too. Go blank. Relax.”
“I am relaxing. But it’s hard for me to—”
She screamed!
Brains blowing apart.
Jokman falling to the ground.
Her father slapping her.
Blood.
Blood.
Blood.
Guilt.
Shouldn’t have told him.
Shouldn’t have told him.
Her fault …
“It’s not your fault,” Mandak said. “Stop thinking that.” He was beside her on the bed, holding her, pressing her face into his shoulder. “Let it go. Remember. Accept what happened and let it go.”
Let it go?
It was killing her, tearing her apart. All of Jokman’s memories, all of her own memories of that hideous night. She clutched blindly at Mandak, taking his warmth to ward off the ice. “Make it go away. Make it go.”
“Too late. I can’t do it. We have to ride it out.”
“Damn you. Damn you.” She desperately clutched him closer. “It … hurts.”
“Then let it go.”
“I can’t. It’s strangling me, smothering me.”
He held her tighter. “You’ll do it. We’ll get through it together.”
“No, I’m alone. No one can help me.”
“That’s a lie. I’m helping you right now. You’re not alone.”
Was it true? She had always been alone, but somehow she could feel Mandak near her …
“I’m here,” he said.
In the darkness, in the blood, in the agony.
“There’s nothing you can do, nothing that you can feel that will make me go away,” Mandak said.
The memories were rushing back to her, attacking.
Jokman’s skull was blowing apart.
“Scream. Cry,” Mandak said between his teeth. “Let it go.”
She was sobbing, clutching him. Because he was the only anchor in this sea of despair.
And, for once, she was not alone.
* * *
IT WAS NEARLY DAWN WHEN Mandak raised himself on one elbow to look down at her. “How do you feel? I think we’re through the worst of it.”
“How do you expect? I feel like a wrung-out dishrag,” she said bitterly. That was the physical reaction to those hours of torment. The emotional response was much more complicated. Somewhere in the center of that upheaval, she had been able to release that hideous memory, but it was as if it had been torn from her. She was still shaking and bleeding from it. “The worst of it? Tell me it won’t come back.”
“I can’t tell you that. It probably will. They were your memories as well as Jokman’s.” His hand reached out and cupped her cheek. “But it will be sad, not unbearably painful. If you need me, I’ll come running.”
She should tell him she didn’t need him.
She couldn’t do that. She did need him. She wasn’t sure if she would have survived this horror of a night without him.
“That will be hard for you.” It was as if he’d read her thoughts. Perhaps he had, she didn’t know what to believe about what he’d told her about what he could do or not do. “But we got along pretty well tonight, didn’t we?”
“I guess we did.” She wished he’d lie back down and hold her again. She wanted that closeness, that bonding, that feeling that he was holding back the loneliness. She frowned. “But of all the memories, did you have to bring up that night with Jokman?”
“Yes.” His hand dropped away from her face, and he got to his feet. “Because it was the worst one. Once we got over that hurdle, it was all downhill.”
“You couldn’t have started me on something easier?”
“Yes, but it would have always been lurking in the distance threatening both of us.”
“Both of us?”
“Both,” he repeated. “You don’t go through a merging like this without bonding. In sessions like this, there’s a joining. Do you think I wasn’t feeling pain? The echoes are very strong, Allie.”
Bonding. Yes, she had felt that same bonding. She felt it now. She realized she had felt it before when he had been working with her mind. But not like this. Not this strong and powerful. “But it will go away now, right?”
“It will … lessen.”
“I want it to go away.”
He shrugged. “In situations like this, you take what you get.”
“I’ll work on it.”
He smiled. “I’m sure you will. But wait until we finish this initial phase. That bond will be a comfort to you.”
“But you said this would be as bad as it will get.” She moistened her lips. “I won’t need you. Isn’t that right?”
“You’ll have to decide. Yes, nothing will be this bad, but it will still cause you trauma. We have to go over all those cozy little sessions in your father’s study. Mega ugliness.” He paused. “And then there are a few readings of your mother’s memories. Not ugly, just painful for you.”
“My … mother?”
“You don’t want to remember anything she’s shown you about herself or how she feels about you. It’s necessary, Allie. That could be a few of the worst obstacles we’ll have to overcome. Major scarring.”
She shook her head.
“We have to do it.”
“Oh, very well,” she said impatiently. “But I don’t see why. As you said, they’re not ugly. Nothing about my mother is ugly.”
“Except her selfishness. That could be fatal for you.”
She knew that was true, but she didn’t want to admit it. “I said I’d do it. Go away, Mandak. I need to sleep.”
“Yes, you do.” He headed for the door. “Don’t be late for breakfast. Don’t think I’m going to let you ease off on training because of a rough night.”
“I know you wouldn’t.” Though she wasn’t sure. He’d been incredibly gentle, impossibly strong, while he’d been holding her tonight. He’d shown her an entirely new aspect of his character. “Just get out of here.”
“I’m going.” He looked over his shoulder, and his eyes were twinkling. “But you’ll find you’ll miss me. It’s part of that damn bonding.”
He was gone.
And she was already missing him, she realized. She felt an emptiness. Her body, where he’d been curved against her own, still felt his imprint. Her mind was searching, trying to find him.
It was all crazy.
She turned off the light and settled back down in bed. Go to sleep. She’d see him soon enough. Her days were filled with Mandak.
And so were her nights.
It wouldn’t hurt to put up with this bonding thing until she was done with the mental high jinks Mandak was putting her through. At the end of the path was the beacon of freedom from the prison of memories. She could take it until she’d reached that goal. She could do anything to avoid those constant attacks.
She huddled beneath the covers and closed her eyes.
She just hoped that Mandak was feeling as empty and lonely as she was feeling at this moment. That was only fair, wasn’t it? He was the one who had started all of this …
CHAPTER FOUR
“THEY’VE FOUND THE CAR,” Navarro said. “It was left in the parking garage of a private airport in Louisville, Kentucky. Should I go down and—”
“No, I’ll do it myself.” It had been weeks since Camano had heard anything. Avis had even reported the car stolen. Damn, he’d been afraid he’d lost the track.
But a parking garage meant video cameras, and an airport had all kinds of ways to trace flights and passengers.
He hung up and called Gina. “I’ll pick you up in fifteen minutes. We’re going to Louisville.”
Six Days Later
Allie s
aw the door open and Mandak’s silhouette framed against the light of the hall. “You’re late.”
He came toward her. “What a nag.”
“I want this over.”
“It will be.” He lifted the sheet and slipped into bed. For the last three nights he’d started holding her as the session commenced. He always ended up there anyway within a few minutes of making mental contact. He’d not been lying when he told her that first contact with Jokman might be the worst, but the others were also the stuff of nightmares.
She curled herself around him. “Where were you?”
He shifted back a little away from her. “Busy.”
“I was waiting.”
“And I was steeling myself. This is becoming increasingly difficult for me.”
“Why?”
“Because my focus appears to be shifting. Sixteen. I have to keep reminding myself. Sixteen.”
“Oh.” He meant sex. She had felt a tingling stirring occasionally when he touched her, but she had been too absorbed in what she was going through to let it affect her. “I guess it might bother you. I’ve never done it, so I don’t know what it’s like.”
“And I’m trying to keep you in ignorance.”
“If it’s getting in the way, we could do it. I probably wouldn’t mind.”
“Allie…” He cupped her face in his two hands and kissed her on the nose. “I don’t want your first time to be because you don’t want it to get in the way. It should mean something.”
“Whatever.” She shrugged. “Sex was all over the place at the compound, but my father didn’t want anyone to touch me, either.”
“He probably was afraid sex might destroy that ability he prized so highly.”
“That would be silly.”
“Yes, but there are stories and legends about the power of virginity and things like that. He wouldn’t have wanted to take a chance.”
She shook her head doubtfully. “I don’t know—”
“Would you mind if we stopped talking about sex and virginity? Both subjects are hot topics for me at the moment.”
“You started it.”
“So I did. Let’s move on.”
“That’s what I thought we’d—”
* * *
“GET OUT, TERESA.” MAMA WAS opening the passenger door of the red Corvette convertible. “You’ll find everything you need in the cabin. I’ll call you to tell you when I’m coming to pick you up.” She smiled her brilliant white smile. “You know this is best, don’t you, baby? We have to let Mr. Camano become accustomed to the idea of you. It’s much better for you to be away from the compound for a while.”
Shut out Mama’s memories. She didn’t want to know.
“If you say so.” She got her duffel out of the car. “But not for long. You’ll let me come back to you, Mama?”
“Of course.” She made a fluttering motion with her beautifully manicured hand, a graceful, butterfly motion. “How I’ll miss you.” She started the car again. “Take care, baby.”
She watched the shiny red car drive down the road.
The dark tunnel.
How happy Mama was to be rid of her. She was remembering Camano and something they had done in bed last night and how he’d told her how pleased he’d be if—
Go blank. Shut out her mother’s memories.
Make them go away.
Tantona shouting.
Darkness.
Running.
Betrayal.
Don’t remember. Don’t remember.
“But you do remember.” Mandak was holding her close. “And it’s over.” He was wiping the tears from her cheeks with his handkerchief. “Accept it. Release.”
“Hard…”
He muttered a curse. “I knew it would be.” He held her closer. “Scars…” He rocked her back and forth. “But it’s the last one, Allie. Let it go.”
“I have.” She raised her head, and added shakily, “I don’t even know if she feels anything for me. I just don’t seem to be there for her. Yet she told me she loved me. Mothers have to love their children, don’t they? She kept telling me that she wished she could snatch me away, and we could just be alone together. But that’s not what her memories said. I tried and tried not to read those memories, but sometimes they were just there…”
“And the truth, Allie.”
“Maybe. But it could be that she was trying to love me. She told me that she grew up in the slums and had to fight to survive until my father took her. She probably had to fight him, too. She said that life could be terrible if you were just a weak woman with no weapons. I keep thinking that if we were alone together, she might change.”
“Dangerous thinking.”
She shook her head. “No. I won’t let her stop me.”
“I hope not. Your feelings for her are pretty deeply ingrained.” He stroked her hair back from her face. “But at least you’ve faced it.” He sat up in bed. “And I’m out of here.” He swung his legs to the floor. “First phase finished. Second phase starting. Tomorrow, we start building walls.”
She had an instant of panic. “What if it doesn’t work?”
“It will work.” He got to his feet. “Believe me.”
She did believe him. After all she had gone through with him during these weeks, she had no doubt he could do what he promised. But it was difficult to believe in miracles and what he’d promised was a miracle to her.
“How long now?”
“Another three weeks. It will be very different. You’ll hardly know it’s happening. Now that the road is cleared, it’s just concentration and a little help from me.” He moved toward the door. “And I believe we’ll do that part of the lesson in the library instead of the bedroom…”
* * *
CAREFUL …
Excitement was tingling through Allie as she circled Mandak around the mat. She had never been closer to bringing him down.
Allie swung her foot around and struck Mandak in the neck.
He grunted, grabbed her ankle, flipped her, and followed her down to the gym mat.
His arm held her immobile as he smiled down at her. A lock of dark hair had fallen on his forehead and his blue eyes were glittering down at her. “Beautifully executed. If I hadn’t moved an inch, you could have had me.”
“Next time.” She could feel the flush of excitement in her cheeks. She had the sudden urge to brush that hair away from his face. To touch his chest. To touch him … “I’ll get you next time.”
“It just might happen.” He got to his feet and pulled her up. “But I doubt it. I’m wary of you now. You’ve become a force with which to reckon.”
“A weapon. It’s what you wanted, isn’t it?”
“Among other things.” He headed for the door. “Now let’s move away from the physical to the mental. Go get your jacket. I’ll take you to the local Applebee’s and buy you a shake.”
She stiffened. “That place is full of college students. You know what happened last time. I got torn apart. I couldn’t hold them off.”
“That doesn’t mean you can’t do it today. You’ve had a week longer to build defenses.”
“You don’t understand. It’s like fighting a battering ram. Those kids’ memories are damn strong and aggressive.”
“And so are you.” He glanced back over his shoulder. “I’ll bet on you, Allie. Now get your jacket.”
* * *
RED LEATHER BOOTHS.
All packed with students from the university.
Noise.
Music.
A cacophony of memories surrounding her.
“Block it.” Mandak murmured as he seated her in the booth closest to the door. “Block all of it.”
“I can’t do that.”
“Concentrate.”
“I’m trying.” Her desperate gaze clung to his. “Help me.”
He slowly shook his head. “Sink or swim.” He turned and started for the door. “I’ll be back in an hour.”
“Damn you.?
??
“Concentrate.”
He walked out the door.
She drew a deep breath.
Concentrate.
Dark tunnel.
Across the aisle, the gangly boy with the long, pink-streaked hair was remembering screwing his roommate the night before.
“Why shouldn’t I set up the camera? I want to make you a star. My star. You’re beautiful to me. That new tattoo…” His forefinger outlined the skull on Ron’s hip. “Sexy…”
Block it.
Concentrate.
The girl in the corner booth was blank.
But the Asian waitress taking her order was remembering her argument with the cook a few minutes ago.
Dark tunnel.
Anger. Stab the bastard.
“How can I make any tips if you don’t move your ass and get the food out. Don’t you smirk at me.”
Block it.
Concentrate.
Sink or swim.
Fight them off, fight them all off.
Her heart was beating hard.
Please don’t let them win.
Block them.
Block them.
Block them.
* * *
“ARE YOU READY TO GO?” MANDAK was standing beside the booth, his gaze narrowed on her face. “It’s been over an hour. I half expected you to be waiting for me outside.”
“Sink or swim,” she said jerkily as she got to her feet. “I didn’t sink, Mandak. But I didn’t swim either. It was more of a dog paddle.”
“That’s good enough.”
“No, it’s not.” She stalked past him. “Pay the waitress. I want out of here. I’ll see you in the car.”
She took a deep breath as she walked toward the Camry. She was far enough away from the people in the restaurant not to have to fight and block. But there was a family pulling up in an SUV a few parking spots away.
Dark tunnel.
Not so bad.
The woman driving was remembering her doctor’s visit that morning. It had worried her …
“Just a few more tests, then we’ll know—”
Allie’s response was almost automatic.
Block it.
And the memory was gone.
Gone …
She froze, her eyes staring blindly straight ahead.
“Something wrong?” Mandak was beside her.
“No, maybe something right.” She got into the passenger seat. “Maybe I did swim.” Tears were suddenly causing her eyes to sting. “Hey, no dog paddle for me, Mandak.”