Dismayed, Jenny thought how these last days had dragged. She tried to make her voice sound casual. “If it’s necessary, of course.”
When she came back to the library from putting the girls to bed, Erich’s eyes were filled with tears.
“Erich, what is it?”
Hastily he brushed his eyes with the back of his hand. “Forgive me, Jenny. It’s just I was so depressed. I missed you so much. And Mother’s anniversary is next week. You can’t know how hard a time that always is for me. Every year it’s still as though it’s just happened. When Joe told me his uncle is around, it was like a punch in the stomach. I felt so lousy. Then the car turned in from the road and the house was lighted. I was so afraid it would be dark and empty; and I opened the door and you were there, so beautiful, so glad to see me. I was so afraid that maybe while I was away somehow I’d lost you.”
Jenny slipped to her knees. She smoothed the hair back from his forehead.
“Glad to see you. You can’t guess!”
His lips silenced her.
When they went up to bed, Jenny reached for one of her new nightgowns then stopped. Reluctantly she opened the dresser drawer that held the aqua gown. The bosom of the gown felt too small. Well, maybe that’s one solution, she thought. I’ll outgrow the damn thing.
Later just before she fell asleep she realized what it was that had been teasing her subconscious. The only times Erich made love to her was when she was wearing this gown.
14
She heard Erich walking around the bedroom before dawn. “Are you going to the cabin?” she murmured, trying to pull herself from sleep.
“Yes, darling.” His whisper was barely audible.
“Will you be back for lunch?” As she started to wake up she remembered that he had talked about staying at the cabin.
“I’m not sure.” The door closed behind him.
She and the girls took their usual walk after breakfast. The ponies had replaced the chickens as first attraction for Beth and Tina. They ran ahead of her now. “Hold it, you two,” she called. “Make sure Baron is locked up.”
Joe was already in the stable. “Good morning, Mrs. Krueger.” His round face broke into a smile. The soft, sandy hair spilled out from under his cap. “Hello, girls.”
The ponies were immaculate. Their thick manes and tails were brushed and shining. “Just groomed them for you,” Joe said. “Did you bring some sugar with you?”
He held the girls up to feed the sugar. “Now how about sitting on their backs for a couple of minutes?”
“Joe, I’m afraid not,” Jenny said. “Mr. Krueger didn’t approve of putting the girls on the ponies.”
“I want to sit on Tinker Bell’s back,” Tina said.
“Daddy will let us,” Beth said positively. “Mommy, you’re mean.”
“Beth!”
“Mean Mommy,” Tina said. Her lip trembled.
“Don’t cry, Tina,” Beth said. She looked up at Jenny. “Mommy, please.”
Joe was looking at her too.
“Well . . .” Jenny wavered, then thought of Erich’s face when he said that Joe took too much on himself. She could not have Erich accuse her of deliberately ignoring his wishes.
“Tomorrow,” she said positively. “I’ll talk to Daddy. Now let’s go see the chickens.”
“I want to ride my pony,” Tina cried. Her small hand slapped Jenny’s leg. “You’re a bad mommy.”
Jenny reached down. In a reflex action she swatted Tina’s bottom. “And you’re a very fresh little girl.”
Tina ran from the barn, crying. Beth was right behind her.
Jenny hurried after the girls. They were holding hands, walking toward the barn. As she caught up with them she heard Beth say soothingly, “Don’t be sad, Tina. We’ll tell Daddy on Mommy.”
Joe was at her side. “Mrs. Krueger.”
“Yes, Joe.” Jenny turned her face from him. She did not want him to see the tears that were swimming in her eyes. In her bones she knew that when they asked him, Erich would give permission to the girls to sit on the ponies in the stable.
“Mrs. Krueger, I was wondering. We have a new puppy at our place. We’re just down the road about half a mile. Maybe the girls would like to see Randy. It might take their minds off the ponies.”
“Joe, that would be nice.” Jenny caught up with the children. She crouched in front of Tina. “I’m sorry I spanked you, Tinker Bell. I want to ride Fire Maid just as much as you want to ride your pony, but we have to wait till Daddy says okay. Now Joe wants to take us to see his puppy. Want to go?”
They walked together, Joe pointing out the first signs of the approaching spring. “See how the snow is going. In a couple of weeks the ground will be real muddy. That’s because all the frost will be coming out of it. Then the grass starts to grow. Your dad wants me to build a ring for you to ride in.”
Joe’s mother was home; his father had died five years ago. She was a heavyset woman in her late fifties with a practical, no-nonsense approach. She invited them in. The small house was comfortably shabby. Souvenir knickknacks covered the tables. The walls were strewn with family pictures indiscriminately hung.
“Nice to meet you, Mrs. Krueger. My Joe talks about you all the time. No wonder he says you’re pretty. You sure are. And oh, my land, how you look like Caroline! I’m Maude Ekers. You call me Maude.”
“Where’s Joe’s dog?” Tina asked.
“Come on in the kitchen,” Maude told them.
They followed her eagerly. The puppy looked to be a combination of German shepherd and retriever. Awkwardly it struggled up on ungainly legs. “We found it on the road,” Joe explained. “Somebody must have pushed it out of a car. If I hadn’t come along it probably would have frozen to death.”
Maude shook her head. “He’s always bringing home stray animals. My Joe has the kindest heart I ever come across. Never was one for schoolwork, but let me tell you, he’s magic with animals. You shoulda seen his last dog. He was a beauty. Smart as a whip too.”
“What happened to him?” Jenny asked.
“We don’t know. We tried to keep him fenced in but sometimes he’d get away. He used to want to trail after Joe to your farm. Mr. Krueger didn’t like it.”
“I don’t blame Mr. Krueger,” Joe said hastily. “He had a purebred bitch and he didn’t want Tarpy to get near her. But one day Tarpy did follow me and was on Juna. Mr. Krueger was real mad.”
“Where’s Juna now?” Jenny asked.
“Mr. Krueger got rid of her. Said she wouldn’t be any use if she carried a litter from a mongrel.”
“What happened to Tarpy?”
“We don’t know,” Maude said. “He got out again one day and never came back. I’ve got my suspicions,” she hinted darkly.
“Maw,” Joe said hastily.
“Erich Krueger threatened to shoot that dog,” she continued simply. “If Tarpy ruined his expensive bitch I don’t much blame him for getting sore. But least he coulda told you. Joe hunted high and low for that dog,” she told Jenny. “I thought he’d get sick.”
Tina and Beth squatted on the floor beside Randy. Tina’s face was rapturous. “Mommy, can we have a dog, please?”
“We’ll ask Daddy,” she promised.
The children played with the puppy while she had coffee with Maude. The woman immediately began interrogating her. How did she like the Krueger home? Pretty fancy, wasn’t it? Must be tough to come out from New York City to a farm. Jenny replied that she was sure she’d be happy.
“Caroline said that too,” Maude hinted darkly. “But the Krueger men aren’t very sociable. Kind of makes it hard on their wives. Everybody around here thought the world of Caroline. And they respected John Krueger. Same as they do Erich. But the Kruegers aren’t warm even with their own. And they’re not forgiving people. When they get angry, they stay angry.”
Jenny knew Maude was referring to her brother’s role in Caroline’s accident. Quickly she finished her coffee. “We’d better get
back.”
The kitchen door was pushed open just as she stood up. “Well, who’s this?” The voice was raspy, as though the vocal cords had been strained. The man was in his mid-fifties. His eyes were bloodshot and faded with the bleary expression of the heavy drinker. He was painfully thin, so that the waist of his pants settled somewhere around his hips.
He stared at Jenny, then his eyes narrowed thoughtfully. “You gotta be the new Mrs. Krueger I’ve been hearing about.”
“Yes, I am.”
“I’m Josh Brothers, Joe’s uncle.”
The electrician who had been responsible for the accident. Jenny sensed immediately that Erich would be furious if he heard about this meeting.
“I can see why Erich picked you,” Josh said heavily. He turned to his sister. “Swear it was Caroline, wouldn’t you, Maude?” Without waiting for an answer he asked Jenny, “Heard all about the accident, I suppose?”
“Yes, I did.”
“The Krueger version. Not mine.” Clearly Josh Brothers was about to tell an often-repeated story. Jenny got the smell of whiskey from his breath. His voice took on a reciting quality. “In spite of the fact they were divorcing, John was crazy about Caroline. . . .”
“Divorcing!” Jenny interrupted. “Erich’s father and mother divorcing!”
The bleary eyes became crafty. “Oh, Erich didn’t tell you that? He likes to pretend it didn’t happen. Lots of gossip here, let me tell you, when Caroline didn’t even try to get custody of her only child. Anyhow the day of the accident I was working in the dairy barn and Caroline and Erich came in. She was leaving for good that afternoon. It was his birthday and he was holding his new hockey stick and crying his eyes out. She waved me away; that’s why I hung the lamp over the nail. I heard Caroline say, ‘Just like this little calf has to be weaned away from its mother . . .’ Then I pulled the door closed behind me so they could say good-bye to each other and a minute later Erich began screaming. Luke Garrett pounded on her chest and did that mouth-to-mouth breathing, but we all knew it was no good. When she slipped and fell into the stock tank, she grabbed the cord and pulled the lamp in with her. That voltage went right through her. . . . She never had no chance.”
“Josh, keep quiet,” Maude said sharply.
Jenny stared at Josh. Why had Erich never told her that his parents were divorcing, that Caroline was leaving him and his father? And to have witnessed that ghastly accident! No wonder Erich was so terribly insecure now, so afraid of losing her.
Deep in thought, she collected the girls and murmured goodbyes.
As they walked back home, Joe spoke timidly to Jenny. “Mr. Krueger wouldn’t be pleased to hear my mom talked so much and that you met my uncle.”
“I’m not going to discuss it, Joe, I promise,” she reassured him.
The country road back to Krueger Farm was peaceful in the late morning. Beth and Tina ran ahead of them, happily scooping up loose snow. Jenny felt depressed and frightened. She thought of the countless times Erich had talked about Caroline. Never once had he even hinted about the fact that she had been planning to leave him.
If only I had a friend here, Jenny thought, someone I could talk to. She remembered how she and Nana had been able to talk through any problem that came up in their lives, how she and Fran would have coffee after the girls were in bed and exchange confidences.
“Mrs. Krueger,” Joe said softly, “you look as though you feel real bad. I hope my uncle didn’t upset you. I know Mom talks kind of mean about the Kruegers but please don’t take offense.”
“I won’t,” Jenny promised. “But, Joe, will you please do one thing for me?”
“Anything.”
“For God sake when Mr. Krueger isn’t around, call me Jenny. I’m beginning to forget my own name around here.”
“I call you Jenny whenever I think about you.”
“Terrific,” Jenny laughed, feeling better, then glanced at Joe. The open worship on his face was unmistakable.
Oh, dear God, she thought, if he ever looks at me like that in front of Erich there’ll be hell to pay.
15
As they neared the big house Jenny thought she saw someone watching them from the window of the farm office. Erich often stopped there on his way back from the cabin.
She hurried the girls into the house and began preparing grilled cheese sandwiches and hot cocoa. Tina and Beth perched at the table, expectantly watching the toaster oven as the bubbling smell of melting cheese filled the kitchen.
What could have made Caroline so desperately unhappy that she would leave Erich? How much resentment was mixed in with Erich’s love for her? Jenny tried to visualize any circumstance under which she’d leave Beth and Tina. There was none.
The children were tired from the long walk and fell asleep as soon as she put them in for their nap. She watched as their eyes drooped and closed. She was reluctant to leave the room. She sat on the window seat for a moment, realizing she felt lightheaded. Why?
Finally she went downstairs, pulled on a jacket and walked over to the office. Clyde was working at the big desk. Trying to sound casual, she remarked, “Erich hasn’t come in yet for lunch. I thought he might have been delayed over here.”
Clyde looked puzzled. “He just stopped in for a couple of minutes on his way back from getting supplies. He told me you knew he’s planning to stay up at the cabin and paint.”
Wordlessly Jenny turned to leave. Then her eye spotted the incoming mail basket. “Oh, Clyde, if I get any mail while Erich is at the cabin, will you be sure that someone brings it over to me?”
“Sure will. Usually I just give anything for you to Erich.”
Anything for you . . . In the month she’d been here, even though she’d written to Fran and Mr. Hartley, she hadn’t received a single piece of mail. “I’m afraid he forgot about it.” She could hear the strain in her voice. “How much has come in?”
“A letter last week, a couple of postcards. I don’t know.”
“I see.” Jenny looked at the telephone. “How about phone calls?”
“Someone from church phoned last week about a meeting. And the week before you got a call from New York. You mean Erich didn’t give you those messages?”
“He was so concerned with getting ready for the trip,” Jenny murmured. “Thanks, Clyde.”
Slowly she started back to the house. The sky was overcast now. Snow was beginning to fall in stinging, slapping gusts. The ground that had begun to thaw had hardened again. The temperature was dropping swiftly.
I won’t share you, . . . . Jenny. Erich had meant that literally. Who had phoned from New York? Kevin to say he was coming to Minnesota? If so, why didn’t Erich warn her?
Who had written? Mr. Hartley? Fran?
I can’t let this happen, Jenny thought. I’ve got to do something.
“Jenny!” Mark Garrett was hurrying from the barn. With his long strides he covered the distance between them in seconds. His sandy hair was rumpled. He was smiling but his eyes were serious. “Haven’t had a chance to say hello for a while. How’s everything?”
How much did he suspect? Could she discuss Erich with him? No, that wouldn’t be fair to Erich. But there was one thing she could do.
She tried to make her smile seem natural. “I’m fine,” she replied. “And you’re just the person I wanted to see. Remember we talked about having you and your friend—is it Emily?—for dinner?”
“Yes.”
“Let’s make it March eighth. That’s Erich’s birthday. I want to have a little party for him.”
Mark frowned. “Jenny, I have to warn you. Erich still finds his birthday a pretty rough day.”
“I know,” Jenny said. She looked up at Mark, aware of his tallness. “Mark, that was twenty-five years ago. Isn’t it about time that Erich got over losing his mother?”
Mark seemed to be choosing his words. “Go easy, Jenny,” he suggested. “It takes time to wean someone like Erich off imprinted reactions.” He smiled. “But I must sa
y it shouldn’t take him very long to start to appreciate what he has now.”
“Then you will come?”
“Definitely. And Emily’s been dying to meet you.”
Jenny laughed wistfully. “I’ve been dying to meet some people too.”
She said good-bye and went into the house. Elsa was just ready to leave. “The girls are still asleep. Tomorrow I can shop on my way in. I have the list.”
“List?”
“Yes, when you were out with the girls this morning, Mr. Krueger came in. He said I should do the shopping from now on.”
“That’s nonsense,” Jenny protested. “I can go or Joe can take me.”
“Mr. Krueger said he was taking the keys to the car.”
“I see. Thank you, Elsa.” Jenny would not let the woman see the dismay she felt.
But when the door closed behind Elsa, she realized she was trembling. Had Erich taken the keys to make sure Joe didn’t use the car? Or was it possible he guessed that she had used it? Nervously she glanced around the kitchen. In the apartment whenever she’d been upset she’d calmed herself by tackling some big cleaning job that needed to be done. But this house was immaculate.
She stared at the canisters on the counter space. They took up so much room and were so seldom used. Every room here was formal, cold, overcrowded. It was her home. Surely Erich would be pleased if she put her own stamp on this place?
She made room for the canisters on a pantry shelf. The round oak table and chairs were exactly centered in the middle of the room. Placed under the window on the south wall, they’d be infinitely more convenient to the buffet bar, and at meals it would be pleasant to look out at the far fields. Not caring if the table legs scuffed the floor, Jenny dragged it over.
The hook rug that had been in the girls’ bedroom had been taken up to the attic. She decided that placing it near the cast-iron stove and grouping the couch, its matching chair and a slipper chair from the library on it would create a pleasant den area in the kitchen.
Fired now with nervous energy, she went into the parlor, swept some of the bric-a-brac into her arms and carried it to a cupboard. Tugging and straining, she managed to pull down the lace curtains that blocked sunlight and view from the parlor and the dining room. The couch in the parlor was almost too heavy to push. Somehow she managed to reverse it with the mahogany trestle table. When she was finished the room seemed airier, more inviting.