“So you always felt cheated,” Mark guessed.
“I certainly felt as though I missed something growing up.”
They finished coffee and Mark pushed back his chair. “Jenny, thank you. This has been very pleasant.”
“I wish you’d come to dinner when Erich gets back from Atlanta. Bring a date.”
“That’s a good idea,” Erich agreed, and she thought he sounded as though he meant it. “How about Emily, Mark? She’s always had an eye for you.”
“She always had an eye for you,” Mark corrected. “But yes, I will ask her.”
Before Erich left, he held her tightly. “I’ll miss you so, Jenny. Be sure to lock the doors at night.”
“I will. We’ll be fine.”
“The roads are icy. If you want something from the store let Joe drive you.”
“Erich, I’m a big girl,” she protested. “Don’t worry about me.”
“I can’t help it. I’ll call you tonight, darling.”
That night Jenny felt a guilty sense of freedom as she lay propped up in bed reading. The house was still except for the occasional hum of the furnace as it went off and on. From across the hallway she could hear Tina occasionally talking in her sleep. She smiled, realizing that Tina never woke up crying anymore.
Erich should have gotten to Atlanta by now. He’d be calling soon. She glanced around the room. The closet door was half open and she’d left her robe tossed over the slipper chair. Erich would have objected, of course, but tonight she didn’t have to worry.
She returned to her book. An hour later the telephone rang. She reached for the receiver eagerly.
“Hello, darling,” she said.
“What a nice way to be greeted, Jen.”
It was Kevin.
“Kevin.” Jenny pulled herself up from the pillows so suddenly that her book slid from the bed onto the floor. “Where are you?”
“In Minneapolis. The Guthrie Theater. I’m auditioning.”
Jenny felt acute uneasiness. “Kevin, that’s wonderful.” She tried to sound convincing.
“We’ll see what happens. How’s it going with you, Jen?”
“Very, very well.”
“And the kids?”
“They’re simply fine.”
“I’m coming down to see them. You gonna be home tomorrow?” His words were slurred, his tone aggressive.
“Kevin, no.”
“I want to see my kids, Jen. Where’s Krueger?”
Something warned Jenny not to admit that Erich would be gone for four days.
“He’s out at the moment. I thought he was calling now.”
“Give me directions for getting to your place. I’ll borrow a car.”
“Kevin, you can’t do that. Erich would be furious. You have no right here.”
“I have every right to see my children. That adoption isn’t final yet. I can stop it by snapping my fingers. I want to be sure Tina and Beth are happy. I want to be sure you’re happy, Jen. Maybe we both made a mistake. Maybe we should talk about it. Now how do I get to your place?”
“You’re not coming!”
“Jen, Granite Place is on the map. And I guess everybody there knows where Mr. High and Mighty lives.”
Jenny felt her palms become sticky as she gripped the phone. She could imagine the gossip in town if Kevin showed up asking directions to Krueger Farm. It would be just like him to say he’d been married to her. She remembered the look in Erich’s face when he’d seen Kevin in the foyer of the apartment on their wedding day.
“Kev,” she pleaded, “don’t come here. You’ll spoil everything for us. The girls and I are very happy. I’ve always been pretty decent to you. Have I ever once turned you down when you asked me for money even when I hardly had my own rent? That should count for something.”
“I know you did, Jen.” Now his voice took on the intimate, coaxing tone she knew so well. “As a matter of fact I’m a little short right now and you’re loaded. How about giving me the rest of the furniture money?”
Jenny felt relief flood her. He was just looking for money. That would make it a lot easier. “Where do you want me to send it?”
“I’ll come down for it.”
He was obviously determined to see her. There was no way she could allow him to come to this house, even to this town. She shuddered, thinking how painstakingly Erich had been teaching the girls to say Beth Krueger, Tina Krueger.
There was a small restaurant in the shopping center twenty miles away. It was the only place she could think of to suggest. Quickly she gave Kevin directions and agreed to meet him at one o’clock the next day.
After he hung up she leaned back on the pillows. The relaxed pleasure of the evening was gone. Now she dreaded Erich’s call. Should she tell him that she was going to see Kevin?
When Erich’s call came she still was not sure what to do. Erich sounded tense. “I miss you. I’m sorry I came, darling. Did the girls ask for me tonight?”
She still hesitated to tell him about Kevin. “Of course they did. And Beth is starting to call her dolls ‘critters.’”
Erich laughed. “They’ll end up talking like Joe yet. I should let you go to sleep.”
She had to tell him. “Erich . . .”
“Yes, darling.”
She paused, suddenly remembering Erich’s astonishment when she admitted giving Kevin half the furniture money, his suggestion that maybe she wanted him to have plane fare to Minnesota. She couldn’t tell him about meeting Kevin. “I . . . I love you so much, Erich. I wish you were here right now.”
“Oh, darling, so do I. Good night.”
She could not sleep. The moonlight filtered into the room, reflecting against the crystal bowl. Jenny thought that the bowl seemed almost urn-shaped as it stood silhouetted on the dresser. Could ashes be pine-scented? she wondered. What a crazy, horrible thought, she chided herself restlessly. Caroline was buried in the family cemetery. Even so, Jenny suddenly felt uneasy enough to want to go in and check the girls. They were deeply asleep. Beth had her cheek pillowed on her hand. Tina was fetal-positioned, the satin binding of the blanket hugged against her face.
Jenny kissed them softly. They looked so content. She thought about how happy they were to have her home with them all day, about their ecstasy when Erich had shown them the ponies. Silently she vowed that Kevin was not going to spoil this new life for them.
12
The keys to the Cadillac were in the farm office, but Erich kept spare keys to all the buildings and machines in the library. It would make sense that the extra Cadillac keys were there as well.
Her guess was right. Slipping them in the pocket of her slacks, she fed the girls an early lunch and settled them for a nap. “Elsa, I have an errand to do. I’ll be back by two o’clock.”
Elsa nodded. Was Elsa naturally this taciturn? She didn’t think so. Sometimes when she’d come in after skiing with Erich, Tina and Beth would be already awake and she’d hear Elsa chatting with them, her Swedish accent more pronounced when she spoke quickly. But when Jenny or Erich was around, she was silent.
The country roads had a few patches of ice but the highway was completely clear. Jenny realized how good it felt to drive again. She smiled to herself, remembering the weekend jaunts she and Nana took in her secondhand Beetle. But after she and Kev were married she’d had to sell it; the upkeep had become too expensive. Now she would ask Erich to pick up a small car for her.
It was twenty of one when she got to the restaurant. Surprisingly Kevin was already there, a nearly empty carafe of wine in front of him. She slid into the booth and looked across the table. “Hello, Kev.” Incredible that in less than a month he could seem older, less buoyant. His eyes were puffy. Was Kevin drinking too much? she wondered.
He reached for her hand. “Jenny, I’ve missed you. I’ve missed the kids.”
She disengaged her fingers. “Tell me about the Guthrie.”
“I’m pretty sure I’ve got the job. I’d better have it
. Broadway is tight as a drum. And I’ll be that much nearer you and the kids out here. Jen, let’s try again.”
“Kev, you’re crazy.”
“No, I’m not. You’re beautiful, Jenny. I like that outfit. That jacket must have cost a fortune.”
“I guess it was expensive.”
“You’re classy, Jen. I always knew it but didn’t think about it. I always believed you’d be there for me.”
Again he covered her hand with his. “Are you happy, Jen?”
“Yes, I am. Look, Erich would be terribly upset about my seeing you. I have to tell you you didn’t make much of an impression on him the last time you met.”
“And he didn’t make much of an impression on me when he stuck a piece of paper in front of me and told me you’d sue me for nonsupport and attach every nickle I ever made if I didn’t sign.”
“Erich said that!”
“Erich said that. Come on, Jen. That was a lousy trick. I was up for a part in the new Hal Prince musical. That would have really queered me. Too bad I didn’t know I’d already been eliminated. Believe me, there wouldn’t have been any adoption papers signed.”
“It isn’t that simple,” Jenny said. “I know Erich gave you two thousand dollars.”
“That was just a loan.”
She was torn between pity for Kevin and the nagging certainty that he would always use the girls as a wedge for staying in her life. She opened her pocketbook. “Kev, I must get back. Here’s the three hundred dollars. But after today, please don’t contact me; don’t try to see the children. If you do, you’ll make trouble for them, for you, for me.”
He took the money, flipped his fingers idly through the bills, then put them in his wallet. “Jen, you want to know something. I have a bad feeling about you and the kids. It’s something I can’t explain. But I do.”
Jenny got up. In an instant Kevin was beside her, his arms were pulling her to him. “I still love you, Jenny.” His kiss was harsh and demanding.
She could not pull away without creating a scene. It was fully half a minute before she felt his arms loosen and she could step back. “Leave us alone,” she whispered. “I beg you, I warn you, Kevin, leave us alone.”
She almost bumped into the waitress who was standing behind her, order pad in hand. The two women at the window table were staring at them.
As Jenny fled from the restaurant she realized why one of the women seemed familiar. She had sat across the aisle from them at church on Sunday morning.
13
After that first evening, Erich did not call again. Jenny tried to rationalize her uneasiness. Erich had a thing about telephones. But he had planned to call every night. Should she try to reach him at the hotel? A half-dozen times she put her hand on the phone and then removed it.
Did Kevin get hired by the Guthrie? If he did, he’d be trying the same thing here that he’d done at the apartment, dropping in when he was broke or feeling sentimental. Erich would never stand for it and it was no good for the children.
Why didn’t Erich phone?
He was due home on the twenty-eighth. Joe was picking him up at the airport. Should she ride up to Minneapolis with Joe? No, she’d wait at the farm and have a good dinner ready. She missed him. She hadn’t realized how totally she and the girls had embraced their new life in these past weeks.
If it weren’t for the miserable feeling of guilt over meeting Kevin, Jenny knew she wouldn’t be troubled that Erich hadn’t phoned. Kevin was the spoiler. Suppose when the three hundred dollars was gone, he came back? It would be twice as bad if Erich learned she’d met him and said nothing.
She flew into Erich’s arms when he opened the door. He held her against him. In the short distance from the car to the porch the chill of the evening had caught in his coat and his lips were cool. They warmed quickly as he kissed her. With a half-sob she thought, It will be all right.
“I’ve missed you so.” They said it together.
He hugged the girls, asked them if they’d been good, and at their enthusiastic response presented them with brightly wrapped packages. He smiled indulgently at their squeals of delight over their new dolls.
“Thank you very, very much,” Beth said solemnly.
“Thank you, Daddy,” he corrected.
“That’s what I mean,” Beth said, her tone puzzled.
“What did you bring Mommy?” Tina asked.
He smiled at Jenny. “Has Mommy been a good girl?”
They agreed that she had.
“You’re sure, Mommy?”
Why was it that the most ordinary teasing seemed double-edged when you have something to hide? Jen thought of Nana shaking her head about an acquaintance. “That one’s bad news; she’d lie even when the truth would serve her better.”
Was that what she’d done? “I’ve been a good girl.” She tried to make her voice sound amused, casual.
“Jenny, you’re blushing.” Erich shook his head.
She knew her smile was forced. “Where’s my present?”
He reached into his suitcase. “Since you like Royal Doulton figurines, I thought I’d try to find another one for you in Atlanta. This one leaped out at me. It’s called The Cup of Tea.”
She opened the box. The figurine was of an old woman sitting in a rocking chair, a cup of tea in her hand, a look of contentment on her face.
“It even looks like Nana,” she sighed.
His eyes were tender as he watched her examine the figurine. Her eyes bright with tears, she smiled at him. And Kevin would spoil this for me, she thought.
She had made a fire in the stove; a carafe of wine and wedge of cheese were on the table. Linking her fingers in his, she brought him over to the couch. Smiling, she poured wine into his glass and handed it to him. “Welcome home.” She sat beside him, turning so that her knee touched his. She was wearing a green, ruffle-necked Yves St. Laurent silk blouse and tweed slacks in a brown-and-green weave. She knew it was one of Erich’s favorite outfits. Her hair was growing longer and fell loosely on her shoulders. Except when it was bitterly cold she liked to go bareheaded and the winter sun had bleached gold highlights in her dark hair.
Erich studied her, his face inscrutable. “You’re a beautiful woman, Jen. Aren’t you quite dressed up?”
“It isn’t every night my husband comes home after being away four days.”
“If I hadn’t come home tonight, it would have been a waste getting all dolled up, I hope.”
“If you hadn’t come home tonight, I’d have worn this for you tomorrow.” Jenny decided to change the subject. “How did it go in Atlanta?”
“It was miserable. The gallery people spent most of their time trying to persuade me to sell Memory of Caroline. They had a couple of big offers for it and could smell the commission.”
“You ran into the same thing in New York. Maybe you’ll have to stop showing that painting.”
“And maybe I choose to show it because it’s still my best work,” Erich said quietly. Was there an implied criticism of her suggestion in his voice?
“Why don’t I finish putting dinner together?” As she got up, Jenny leaned over and kissed him. “Hey,” she whispered, “I love you.”
While she was tossing the salad and stirring a hollandaise sauce, he called Beth and Tina over. A few minutes later he had both girls on his lap and was animatedly telling them the story of the Peachtree Hotel in Atlanta where the elevators were glass and went up outside the building just like a magic carpet. Someday he’d take them there.
“Mommy too?” Tina asked.
Jenny turned, smiling, but the smile ended when Erich said, “If Mommy wants to come with us.”
She’d cooked a rib roast. He ate well but his fingers drummed restlessly on the table and no matter what she said he answered in monosyllables. Finally Jenny gave up and started talking only to the children. “Did you tell Daddy that you sat on the ponies’ backs?”
Beth put down her fork and looked at Erich. “It was fun. I said gidd
yap but Mouse didn’t go.”
“I said giddyap too,” Tina chimed in.
“Where were the ponies?” Erich asked.
“Right in the stalls,” Jenny said hastily, “and Joe lifted them up for just a minute.”
“Joe takes too much on himself,” Erich interrupted. “I want to be there when the girls are put on the ponies. I want to be sure he’s watching them carefully. How do I know he’s not as careless as that fool of an uncle was?”
“Erich, that was so long ago.”
“It doesn’t seem long ago when I bump into that drunken sot. And Joe tells me he’s back in town again.”
Was that the reason Erich was so upset? “Beth, Tina, if you’re finished you can excuse yourselves and play with your new dolls.” When the children were out of earshot she said, “Is Joe’s uncle the problem, Erich, or is it something else?”
He reached across the table in that familiar gesture of entwining their fingers. “It’s that. It’s the fact that I think Joe has been tootling around in the car again. It has at least forty extra miles on it. Of course he denies driving it but he used it once in the fall without permission. He didn’t drive you anywhere, did he?”
She clenched her fist. “No.”
She had to say something about Kevin. She wouldn’t have Erich believe that Joe had deceived him.
“Erich . . . I . . .”
He interrupted her. “And it’s the damn art galleries. For four days I had to keep telling that fool in Atlanta that Memory of Caroline was not for sale. I think it’s still my best work and I want to exhibit it but . . .” His voice stopped. When he spoke again, it was calmer. “I’ll be doing more painting, Jen. You don’t mind, do you? It means I’ll have to hole up in the cabin for three or four days at a stretch. But it’s necessary.”