embezzling money from the United States Government.
FESTER
Say it ain't so, Joe!
MAYOR
Listen, Hoover, give me a minute with the boy, would ya?
HOOVER
Yeah, O.K. Just don't try any funny business.
(Fester, Mayor stage front, single spot, lights down)
MAYOR
Yes, Fester, it's true...I have been misusing Federal grant money, but I think it's important for you to know why I done it.
FESTER
(hurt and disillusioned) Yeah, sure. Probably to pay for your election campaign.
MAYOR
No, Fester, that's not it at all. (gently) I'm talking about the health and well being of a little boy, a little boy who I know and love dearly. You see, Fester, your mother weren't a school marm like I told you. Truth is she worked over there in the Red-Eye Saloon. She worked...nights.
FESTER
Nights?...Oh...yeah...nights...But what about my father? You said he was a great general and left me lots of money?
MAYOR
Actually, son, no one was really certain just who your father was; leastwise no one would admit it. Ya see, Fester, soon after you were born, your mother decided to move out of Dirtwater. A town like this can be mighty cruel sometimes. And then...well, that's when the stagecoach accident happened...and your mother was killed...and you busted your leg up so bad. Well, when those doctor bills started piling up from your leg operations, well...I kinda got this idea about the grant money. It all seemed so easy and harmless. And so for each operation, I'd send off for a new grant, and so on, and so on...
FESTER
But Joe, what's gonna happen now?
(stage lites up)
HOOVER
I'll tell you what's gonna happen. I'm taking his honorable mayor here to the Federal court in Dallas. Probably get 20 years.
FESTER
20 years!
MAYOR
Don't worry Fester, most I'll get is probably a year or two. Heck, if they put everyone away who pinches a little money from the government, why shoot, they'd have to build a jail the size of Texas!
FESTER
Do you think I could come visit you?
MAYOR
Why sure, you little prairie dog. And don't you forget to write...
(Song Medley — Swing Low and Goodbye Joe)
MAYOR and HOOVER
Swing low, sweet scales of justice
comin for to carry me to jail
Swing low, sweet scales of justice
comin for to carry me to jail
I looked over yonder and what did I see?
comin for to carry me to jail
A government agent comin after me
comin for to carry me to jail
(enter girls singing: Goodbye Joe)
Goodbye Joe you gotta go me-o, my-o
You've been cheatin' with your finger in the pie-o
Felony crime, gonna do some time,
but don't you cry-o
While you're down, we're gonna make this town
high and dry-o.
The FBI, sent this guy, to catch Carboni
Cause the hitchin' post he asked for was a phony
And we're sick and tired of hearin' his baloney
So we're here to volunteer our testimony.
(repeat chorus)
HOOVER
My, my, my...you ladies sure sing sweet. Tell me, which one of you is Miss Carrie Nation?
CARRIE
That's me honey.
HOOVER
(patronizing) Well, Miss Nation, you sing the sweetest of all. Yep, just like a bird, I'd say. (gets mean) Like a jailbird.
CARRIE
Jailbird? What are you talking about?
HOOVER
It looks like you'll be giving the Mayor here a little company on our trip to Dallas.
CARRIE
You're loco, Hoover. You ain't got nothin' on me.
HOOVER
Oh no? Well how does tax evasion sound?
CARRIE
Taxes? You're barkin' up the wrong tree mister. I ain't worked a day in my life.
MAGGIE
Yeah, and I seen her not workin' too.
HOOVER
Oh, I'm not talking about income taxes. No sir. I'm talking about liquor tax. Who's been paying the liquor tax on all those whiskey bottles you've been breaking?
(Garmaine, Sioux, Maggie slowly back off stage)
CARRIE
You won't get away with this Hoover! I'll get me a lawyer and sue you for everything ya got!
(Hoover, Mayor, Carrie begin exiting)
(Enter Lone Ranger and Tonto)
HOOVER
(stopping to talk to L.R.) Well, if it isn't the masked man and his redskin sidekick. I see you've been made the new sheriff around here. It looks like you're also going to be the Mayor now, but don't let it go to your head. This is the most decadent town I've ever seen. There's illegitimate children and alcoholics. You got your tax evaders and embezzlers. Not to mention that there group of subversive women radicals. I've even heard that that guy sitting over there is wearing a bra. (points to audience). This whole town reeks of moral neglect. And I wouldn't be at all surprised if that there Indian friend of yours is some sort of illegal alien. I'm giving you one month to clean up this town or else...or else! (to Carrie and Mayor) All right let's go you two...You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you...
(all exit except the Lone Ranger and Tonto)
TONTO
What he mean Kemo Sabe?
L.R.
I'm not quite sure, Tonto. But I do know one thing. Yesterday I had no job at all, and today, I'm the sheriff and the Mayor of this fine town.
TONTO
Yes, Kemo Sabe. This truly land of opportunity.
L.R.
I think you're right, Tonto. And I think I'll take this opportunity to sing another song.
(Song: Lone Ranger; Melody: Rhinestone Cowboy)
(sung a la Elvis)
(as Ranger sings, Tonto feeds him handkerchiefs which he wipes on his brow and drops on audience)
Now it ain't easy to enforce the law
In between work and shovelin' straw
And cleanin' up after the horses that
hang around Main Street
With Tonto pickin' up the rear
You could never get a bum steer
Cause he won't let you down
I lead the fight for law and order
Send outlaws running for the border
I ride through the West bringin'
freedom and justice for all
I'm the Lone, Lone Ranger
Fighting' crime, injustice and villains
I don't even know
With help from my trusted Tonto
I'm the Lone, Lone Ranger
Fighting' crime, injustice and villains
I don't even know
With help from my trusted Tonto.
(repeat chorus.)
(Lone Ranger soaks up applause, waves to audience, exits.)
TONTO
(pause) The Ranger has left the building. We will now take a 15-minute intermission.
END ACT I
(INTERMISSION)
ACT II SCENE I
(Scene: Main Street. Music. Lone Ranger is walking across stage spinning his gun. He steps in a pile of horse manure, slips, and falls to the ground.)
L.R.
Tonto...Tonto! Come Here! (Ranger gets up. Enter Tonto, carrying broom and dustpan.) Look at this! Now what do you think this is?
TONTO
(impressed) Wow! Big mess from horse Kemo Sabe. Be careful, don't step here. (smiles to audience)
L.R.
Well I guess I'm just a little too late for that aren't I. I told you to clean this up yesterday. Now just look at this mess. Don't you remember what that Hoover fella said?
TONTO
(frustrated) He say we must cl
ean up town. But I do clean up town! I clean up day! I clean up night! Honest Injun' - hope to die!
L.R.
Well, T-Bird, it's a real mystery. Yet, in all the years I've known you, I've never had reason to doubt your work ethics and especially over something like this.
TONTO
No way.
L.R.
(reminiscing) Of course, there was that one time that you thought you should have your own mask for special occasions.
TONTO
(embarrassed) That long time ago.
L.R.
Boy, did you look silly.
TONTO
(mumbles) I think I clean up now.
L.R.
Ya know Tonto, sometimes you just crack me up.
TONTO
(trying to change subject) But, Kemo Sabe, what about horse mess?
L.R.
And then there was the time you thought you should dress up like a dance hall girl and...
TONTO
Kemo Sabe!! What about horse mess!?!
L.R.
Oh yeah...that. Well just clean it up as best you can in case that Hoover fella shows up. I'll be in my office scraping off my boots. (exit into sheriff's office)
(as Tonto cleans up mess and exits, a cowboy plays "Red River Valley" on harmonica, then exits).
( Enter Maggie, Garmaine, and Sioux, moping and bored)
GARMAINE
There's nothing goin' on in this town anymore. Ever since Carrie's been gone, it's been dead as a near-sighted gunfighter.
(Girls in thought)
MAGGIE
(excited) Hey, I know what we can do! Let's make up some new signs and go on down to where they're putting on that stupid play about people stepping in horse manure and I can get some dynamite and we can blow the whole place up!
GARMAINE
Ya know, Maggie, sometimes I think you're just a little too existential for the rest of us.
MAGGIE
Yeah, well, I hear the guy that wrote that thing is a real jerk.
SIOUX
Yeah, forget it. It ain't the same without Carrie anyway.
MAGGIE
(pause) Well then...I think I'll pack up and head for Nashville...I hear it's a real hoppin' town. (No response from others)...Yeah, that's what I'll do. I think I'll go to Nashville and blow this town.
GARMAINE
Well, the way I hear it honey, you already have.
MAGGIE
(Not-so-bright Maggie finally figures it out) Why you two-bit horse thievin' no good low-down...!!
(Two girls scuffle)
SIOUX
Hey, knock it off you two! (breaks up fight) That ain't doin' nobody no good. What we gotta do now is get some money and bail Carrie out of jail.
GARMAINE
Yeah, I guess you're right. But how can we get some money?
(All think)
MAGGIE
(Excited) I've got it! We can get one of those 900 phone numbers and then charge money every time some guy calls.
GARMAINE
Good idea, Maggie. And when they call, we can tell them to stick it in your ear.
MAGGIE
Well, I was only trying to help.
(Girls go back to thinking...Fester hobbles in, selling newspapers)
FESTER
Paper. Get your paper here!
SIOUX
Hi, Fester.
FESTER
Howdy Miss Sioux, Garmaine, Miss Maggie. You ladies want to buy a paper?
MAGGIE
Sure Fester, how much you want?
FESTER
Four dollars.(firm)
SIOUX
Four dollars?! Fester there ain't no one gonna pay four dollars for a dumb old paper.
FESTER
(dejected) Yeah, I know. Ain't sold one all day...How 'bout two dollars?
GARMAINE
How come you're asking so much?
FESTER
(playing sympathy card) Oh, I'm just trying to get some money up so I can get my leg worked on.
SIOUX
(sarcastically) Oh, poor baby. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our own problems that we forget how it is for those less fortunate. Fester, why don't you sing us a song about your poor, miserable little life.
FESTER'S SONG
FESTER
Take this pain from my leg and set me free
It's grown cold and no longer works for me
All the town say I'm a freak
My best friend calls me a geek
Take this pain from my leg and set me free
Take this crutch for my arms and let me be
I'm a kid who needs a little sympathy
I just need a small donation
To pay for operation
Take this crutch from my arms and let me be
Take a break from your life to hear my plea
I even gotta' sit down to take a pee
And what really makes me mad
Got no ma and lost my dad
Take a break from your life to hear my plea
Take this pain from my leg and set me free
It's grown cold and no longer works for me
All the town say I'm a freak
My best friend calls me geek
Take this pain from my leg and set me free
(as Fester sings, girls hit-up audience for donations)
MAGGIE
All right, Fester, how much you want for a paper?
FESTER
How 'bout a dollar?
MAGGIE
How 'bout a dime? (gives Fester dime)
FESTER
Gee, thanks. Say, can I interest you ladies in some adult novelty toys?
MAGGIE
Goodbye, Fester.
FESTER
Well, thanks again. (Exit Fester) Paper! Get your paper here!
MAGGIE
Dibs on the funnies.
GARMAINE
That's about all you can read. (reading paper) Hey look here. Tonto got his name in the paper.
SIOUX
Big deal.
GARMAINE
Says here his father just died and he's due to inherit a whole bunch of money.
SIOUX
Money! Where? Let me see that! (grabbing paper from Garmaine) (reading from paper) "After a lengthy illness, Chief Running Elk, father of the famous Indian Tonto, has succumbed in his sleep at the age of seventy-three. The Chief leaves an estate of over two thousand acres, containing fifty-three oil wells, one thousand head of cattle, and (looks at audience) several Bingo Parlors? Funeral services will be held on May 14th"... May 14? That's over a week ago! (Sioux looks at front page) Hey, that dang Fester sold us a month-old paper. I just hope I'm not too late.
MAGGIE
Too late for what?
SIOUX
(smiles, announces) Girls...I'm gettin' married.
GIRLS
MARRIED!?
SIOUX
Sure, and with all that money, I'll have plenty to get Carrie out of jail. Besides, Tonto ain't all that bad looking.
GIRLS
TONTO!? (has Sioux gone mad?)
SIOUX
Well, who'd ya think I was talkin' about?
GARMAINE
But you can't just go out and get....
TONTO
(opens door, sticks head out of sheriff's office) Someone call Tonto name?
SIOUX
(sexy) Oh...Hi there big fella. (saddles up to Tonto) Say Tonto...I've been thinking...Have you got any plans for today? You crazy galoot you.
TONTO
(baffled) No think so 'cept maybe help Kemo Sabe clean boots.
SIOUX
Now that doesn't seem all that important does it? Ya see, Tonto, I was wondering if you might...uh, well...do you want to get married?
TONTO
(confused) Married? Tonto get married?
SIOUX
Sure. Wouldn't it be fun? You see, you handsome devil you, I ain't no spring chicken...
GARMAINE
Oh, brother.
SIOUX
(after giving a hard look to Garmaine)... and I figure you and I might make a pretty good team. Of course Scout would have to go.
TONTO
(spacey) Tonto get married?
SIOUX
Sure, and then in a couple years, there'd be four or five little braves runnin' around and they'd all be calling you "Big Chief Tonto."
TONTO
(still spaced out) Big...Chief...Tonto!?...(eyes light up!)
SIOUX
That's right. "Big!...Chief!...Tonto!" Oh no! Wait! I don't think this is going to work! (sadly) You see, my dear mother, on her death bed, made me promose that if I ever got married, ...I would marry a nice Indian boy.
TONTO
But...I Tonto. I Indian! Honest! Cross heart, hope to die!
SIOUX
You are!? Really!? Well then this is perfect! Now you go get that Kemo what's-his-name and tell him he's going to perform a wedding. (pushes Tonto to Sheriff Office)
TONTO
Kemo Sabe! Oh Kemo Sabe! Tonto get married! (exits into sheriff office)
MAGGIE
Sioux, I'm ashamed of you. You're just marryin' that poor Indian for how rich he's gonna be.
GARMAINE
Yeah, and your mother lives in Vegas and she's Jewish.
SIOUX
Hey, he don't have to marry me if he don't want to. Besides, it's about time I got some of the finer things in life.
(Song by Sioux. "Stand by Your Man")
I've spent my lifetime at the bottom
Playin' all those no good back door schemes
Just paint your eyes with little white lies
The ends will justify the means
If you got something you want badly
And step on toes along the way
Just let me clue ya, they'll do it to ya
I know first hand that's why I say
Get it while you can
Grab what you need to make it
Don't wait around just take it
Go get a guy and fake it (pelvic thrust)
Get it while you can
Lie, cheat, and steal if need be
Find you a rich and foolish man
Get it while you can.
Now can't you see that I've got feelings
I'm just a girl whose earned her pay
So I'll use Tonto, though I don't want...toe
That's how it is, and so I say...
(repeat chorus)
GARMAINE
(To Maggie) Well...I guess she does deserve a break, anyway she can get it.
MAGGIE
Yeah, and you do know how I love weddings.
(enter Lone Ranger and Tonto)
GARMAINE
OK, places everyone. (Hands book to L.R—"Fifty Shades of Grey.") Here ya go...now all ya gotta do is start reading and then, after awhile, ya pronounce them married. Ya got that? And try to put some feeling into it.
L.R.
I'm not sure I approve of all this. However I do know how to recite. I happen to have taken three years of drama in prep school. (puts on glasses over mask)
GARMAINE
(aside) Ya coulda' fooled me.
SIOUX
(Sioux moves to stage front and puts on a bridal veil)
(to audience holding back a tear) It was my mother's.
GARMAINE
C'mon, hurry up...Places everybody. Music. Start the music. (no music) ...I said start the music. (...no music).
SIOUX
START THE DAMN MUSIC!!! (Tonto recoils at out-burst) (music starts "Wedding March") Thank you.(sweetly)
L.R.
(reading from book) "We are gathered here today to join this couple..." etc...
(music fades. enter Fester carrying several newspapers)
FESTER
Gee, what's going on here?
MAGGIE
(wiping tear from her eye) Shhhhh! They're getting married.
FESTER
Big deal.
(Fester sits down and starts to read paper) (LR still reciting)
Hey, look at this. Tonto got his name in the paper
(Sioux secretly motions to Maggie to shut-up Fester)
(Maggie grabs paper and returns to her spot)
(Fester shrugs, pulls out another paper and continues reading)
Says here his father just died.
(Sioux again motions, this time to Garmaine who grabs paper...Fester gets another paper and continues)
Hey Tonto. Did you see this?
(Fester starts towards Tonto)
SIOUX
C'mon, c'mon. Hurry it up!
(L.R. starts reading faster)
FESTER
Gee Tonto, I didn't know your father just died.
TONTO
Tonto father die?...Big Chief Running Elk?
(Tonto takes paper, starts reading silently to himself)
(LR looks up, sees Tonto not there, voice trails off)
L.R.
What is it Tonto?...(Reads paper over Tonto's shoulder). I'm sorry Tonto. I didn't know your father had died. Truth is, I didn't even know you had a father.
(cold stare from Tonto) (L.R. backs off)
Sorry.
TONTO
(stage front, single blue spot)
((Chief Running Elk Eulogy))
Chief Running Elk dead....Chief Running Elk once great chief of great tribe...He hunt with eye of hawk. He fast as name—Running Elk. Strong as bear. He fearless warrior. All tribe say "Chief Running Elk great chief."
But then White Man come. He carry fire stick...He kill mighty buffalo. Leave animal to die and rot and stink at feet of Great Chief. Soon no food for tribe. No hide to keep warm. Young Tonto must go to bed in cold with hunger.
Then all tribe say Chief Running Elk have mind of old dog and courage of squaw. Mighty Chief become broken chief.
Then White Man come back with big steel arrow. He push arrow in ground. Up come black blood. Black blood of dead buffalo.
White Man come again and