again! He take more black blood of dead buffalo. He give Chief many things. He give firewater. He give fire stick. He give many, many piece of paper.
Then everyone in tribe say Chief Running Elk rich chief.
But Tonto know better.
Many time, long into night, Tonto hear Great Chief cry out...He cry out!...From pain inside, like baby with empty belly!
Now Chief Running Elk dead.
He cry no more.
(long silence, lites up slowly)
SIOUX
(approaches Tonto) (softly) But what about the wedding? What about the money?
TONTO
Tonto no want marry...no want money. Money blood money.
SIOUX
(the real Sioux comes out) But what about MEEEE!?!
TONTO
YOU?! (he's pissed now) Frankly my dear, Tonto no give damn!! Fester, you take money. Go to medicine man in big city. Make leg well.
FESTER
Gee thanks, Tonto. And do you think maybe I could get the Mayor out of jail?
TONTO
Yes. Get Mayor.
MAGGIE
(to Fester) Ask him about Carrie.
FESTER
And can we get Carrie out?
TONTO
Tonto no care.
GARMAINE
Come on. Let's get outta here before he changes his mind.
(All exit except Ranger, Tonto, and Sioux —who wishes to say something to Tonto but he stares her off. She turns and exit)
L.R.
(arm over Tonto's shoulder, consoling, leading him to sheriff's office)
I feel your pain, Tonto, I feel your pain. Why don't you take the rest of the day off, with pay of course. I think your father would have wanted it that way.
(lights start to fade out, streets are empty. A skulking figure emerges carrying a carpetbag. It's Hoover. He dumps horse manure out of his bag and onto the street. Chuckling to himself, he exits.)
ACT II SCENE II
(Black out. Music up, then lower for Announcer. "The Masked Man knew his Indian friend better than any man alive, yet he had never seen him so emotionally distraught. Having gone through several twelve-step programs himself, the masked man knew that it was best to remove Tonto from the stresses of city life and revisit the wide open spaces from which he was raised."
"They set off that very afternoon, traveling in silence, and hoping each step would melt away the pain of the day's events."
"We join our heroes later that night - around a campfire and a days ride from town")
(Soft spot light up on campfire scene. L.R. and Tonto are standing around fire tring to keep warm; a Class III Fire Extinguisher is near fire).
L.R.:
Well, Tonto, it looks like you're feeling a little better, now that you're out here under the moon and stars with nothing but the howl of the lonesome coyote to break the stillness. (pause) I said: (louder— to audience) "with nothing but the howl of the lonesome coyote to break the stillness."
(finally coyote howls, audience will assist—trust me)
TONTO
Sick puppies. (back into character) Me feel much better Kemo Sabe. Me know now that Big Chief Running Elk he not die. He just go to better hunting grounds. (circling hand gesture to the heavens)
L.R.
(choked-up with emotion) That's...well...that's just beautiful Tonto. It sort of reminds me of something my mother once said. She said: "Lone,... life is like a bowl of chocolates—you never know what you're going to get."
TONTO
Uh?....Kemo Sabe? Me think that box chocolate, not bowl of chocolate.
L.R.
What?
TONTO
It box of chocolate.
L.R.
Really? I always thought it was a bowl of chocolates.
TONTO
No, no. It bowl of cherry.
L.R.
Cherries!? Really!?
TONTO
Yes. (rolls eyes)
L.R.
Well I'll be darned. I always thought it was a barrel of cherries.
TONTO
(losing patience) No. Listen to Tonto. It Barrel of monkey....Bowl of cherry...Box of chocolate. Got it!?
L.R.
Are you sure?
TONTO
Trust me. It old Indian Expression.
L.R.
By golly, Tonto, I think you're right again. Ya know, you may be one of the best trusted-sidekicks that's ever worked for me—and I'd like to take this opportunity to say so.
TONTO
Great.
L.R.
Ya know Tonto, between the two of us, we've done a bang-up job taming that little one-horse town. I think I can honestly say that my crime prevention programs have been working quite well. I bet it's close to 8 o'clock right now, and I can almost hear the Red-eye Saloon calling out "last call".
TONTO
(sarcastic) Yeah, right. The cowboys love that one. But still, something no seem right in town.
L.R.
What is it Tonto?
TONTO
Me still puzzled by all horse manure in town Kemo Sabe. Everyday new pile but no horse to make it. What you think?
L.R.
Yes, I see your point my Third-World friend. On the surface it seems like a simple case of too much horse manure for a town the size of Dirtwater. But, in reality, I've got this gut feeling we're sitting on a powder keg and someone has just lit the fuse! (slams fist into hand)
TONTO
What we do Kemo Sabe?
L.R.
Tomorrow morning we head back to town. I think we've got some detective work to do.
TONTO
You right, big guy. Now who's turn was it?
L.R.
Oh, I think it was my turn. (holding playing cards) Let's see. Ya got any jacks?
TONTO
No jack. Go fish.
(lights fade out. Music...Announcer: "Although our two friends played cards for another hour, they never once made a wager on their card playing ability. You see, gambling is illegal in Texas and our two heroes would never consider it. That's just the kind of guys that they are."
"Early the next morning they arose, broke camp, and headed back into town. By noontime it was business as usual. The masked man retired to his office to update his per diem expense account and Tonto continued to gather signatures for the Neighborhood Watch Program....But, as the events of the day were to unfold, it would definitely not be "business as usual" for this small...one-horse town...called Dirtwater.")
ACT II SCENE III
(Lights up on Main St. Enter Hoover swaggering)
HOOVER
Well, well, well. It's been exactly one month since I left this town, and would you just look at this. (looks at horse stuff, mock surprise) A sanitation violation. Yes indeed! (takes out tongs and evidence bag. kneels down and takes sample)
L.R.
(enters from Sheriff's Office) Well, Hoover, what brings you back in town? A social visit?
HOOVER
Not exactly, masked man. If you'll recall during my last visit, I gave you exactly one month to clean up this town. Well your time is up and just look at this mess. Why in all my years of public service I have never seen anything like it. I have all the evidence I need right here to have you and that redskin friend of yours dismissed from your duties. It is now my responsibility, and pleasure I might add, to officially assume the position of Mayor of Dirtwater.
L.R.
Not so fast, Hoover. Isn't there one small item here you failed to considered?
HOOVER
And what is that?
L.R.
Well just about 3 years ago, the Environmental Protection Agency dropped a lawsuit on the City of Dirtwater charging it with excessive horse pollution. Part of the litigation from that lawsuit was the restriction of equestrian traffic to just one horse within the city limits at any one time. You see, Hoover, Dirtwater is literally "a one-horse town".
HOOVER
/> You mean that bloody white bronco down there is the only horse in town?
L.R.
That's right. The one parked in front of the Orange Julius.
HOOVER
OK, OK, but that doesn't prove nothin'. What about the...the...(looking at horse manure)
L.R.
The horse caca? Heck, that was the easy part. I took Tonto's advice and had a small sample tested down at the assay office. As it turns out, this particular strain of manure is not indigenous to these here parts. It can only be found in Dodge City, Kansas, where you, Hoover, broke jail 6 months ago for the crime of horse rustling! The truth is you're not J. Edgar Hoover at all, but rather his evil twin brother, separated at birth, and then raised by a roving band of radical Republicans! No wonder you're so screwed up!
HOOVER
No! No! You can't prove a thing!
L.R.
So now I'm placing you under arrest for impersonating a federal agent and trying to play off the gullibility of this fine audience. (sweeping hand gesture to audience)
Hoover
It's not true!
L.R.
This is your third strike Hoover! And in this country - 3 strikes and you're out! (umpire gesture—out)
HOOVER
That's right, I'm out. I'm out of here! (Pushes Lone Ranger to ground, and runs through the audience to exit door)
L.R.
(Lone Ranger gets up and points his gun)
I hate to have to do this! Stop or I'll shoot!!
(Tonto appears and grabs Hoover just as he reaches the door)
T0NTO
Spread 'em, honky!
L.R.
Good work, Tonto! (Tonto muscles Hoover into jail) Book him, Tonto. Manure one! (a la Dano)
(enter Fester and Mayor)
FESTER
Mr. Masked Man! Mr. Masked Man!
L.R.
Well, hello there son. Howdy, Mr. Mayor. I see your stay in the pokey didn't leave you any worse for wear. Say, where are those ladies? Did they get that Carrie gal outta jail?
MAYOR
They sure did, but they only left enough money for Fester's operation. They took the rest to who-knows-where.
TONTO
How go operation, young man?
FESTER
(dejected) Gee, not so good, I guess. The Doc poked around in there pretty good, but he just couldn't find nothin' wrong.
MAYOR
Doc says he should be running around on two good legs like everyone else.
L.R.
Well, don't let