If something bad were to happen to her . . .
I understood now why the Authority not only allowed us to have families back on Callisto but actively encouraged it. The love of others made you easier to control and manipulate. If I’d met Vee back on Callisto, I wondered if I would’ve been so quick to ask her to join with me? Back on that moon, I’d always sworn I’d never hook up with anyone on a long term basis for precisely that reason. It was too hard to care about someone knowing that at any moment they could be taken away from you, or to watch them being brutalized in front of you and to be helpless to do anything about it. I decided long ago I couldn’t and wouldn’t live or love that way. Love made you weak. Yet here we were, light years away from Callisto, and Vee was all I cared about.
If anything were to happen to her . . .
Or worse still, maybe she’d wake up one morning and realize she’d made a colossal mistake.
No! I couldn’t think that way. I wouldn’t.
She’d chosen me. Me. I wasn’t going to spend our time together dreading the day the best living dream of my life came to an end. I had to take each day as it came and make the most of our every moment together. And I wasn’t going to let my mum or Vee’s brother or anyone else for that matter get in my way or make me regret my actions for even a second.
We were on our way to Mendela Prime and we’d survive.
We had to, we just had to.
Our long shift was finally over but Mum had insisted on having a word with Vee as we both made our way off the bridge. The look on Mum’s face said that I needn’t linger so I had no choice but to leave them to it. Thirty minutes later, Vee joined me in her quarters which were now our quarters as we could at last openly share. No more sneaking along the corridor hoping I wouldn’t get caught entering Vee’s room.
‘What did Mum want?’ I asked without preamble.
‘To talk about running more tactical procedures, to discuss the ship’s manoeuvrability,’ said Vee, adding drily, ‘and to question me about the two of us.’
‘Oh, did she?’ I’d suspected as much. Furious, I was practically out the door ready to have it out with Mum, but Vee pulled me back.
‘Nate, calm down. It’s fine,’ she soothed. ‘Your mum and I had a full and frank and cleared the air, that’s all.’
‘What did she say?’
‘Nate, it’s OK. Really.’ Vee let go of my arm and headed for the bed, sinking onto it. Her shoulders were slumped, her head bowed. As she unfastened and pulled off her boots, I noticed for the first time how truly weary she was. It’d been a long day, for all of us.
I headed over to the utility dispenser and ordered a cup of minestrone, one of Vee’s favourites. Sitting beside her, I tried to hand her the soup. Vee waved it away.
‘Nate, I’m not hungry.’
‘Take it. i doubt if you’ve eaten today, so go ahead.’ I insisted.
‘But, Nate—’
‘Drink.’
Vee regarded me, a trace of a smile lighting her dark brown eyes. ‘You’re going to sit there and nag me until I do, aren’t you?’
‘You know it!’
Vee’s smile broadened. She took the cup from me and started to drink, chewing on tiny pieces of pasta and vegetables in each mouthful.
To Vee’s amusement, I sat beside her and watched until the cup was empty.
‘Happy now?’ She handed the empty cup back to me.
‘Happier,’ I corrected as I stood up to dispose of it.
What I was about to say next would probably go down like a cupful of vomit but damn it, I was still going to say it.
‘Vee, you don’t have to handle the running of this ship on your own any more. You’ve got a crew now and we’re not all like Darren. You need to learn to delegate or you’ll burn out.’
Vee sighed. ‘I know. I’ve been telling myself the same thing. It’s just—’
‘What?’ I sat back down beside her on the bed. ‘Talk to me.’
‘It’s just that I’ve spent so long rattling around this ship by myself. I used to examine every panel, every instrument, walk the decks for hours just so I’d have something to do, something to wear me out so I’d be too tired to remember just how alone I was. Old habits die hard, I guess.’
‘You had Aidan.’
Vee lowered her gaze. ‘Yeah, I had Aidan, but he handled the isolation far better than I ever did.’
‘You could step back you know,’ I suggested. ‘You could let my mum worry about the day-to-day running of this ship. Not only is she used to it but she’s good at it.’
‘Give her the executive command code, you mean?’ asked Vee.
We watched each other. The stillness that came over Vee reminded me of her brother.
‘I’m just saying it’s an option,’ I replied.
‘You don’t rate me as any kind of captain then?’
‘That’s not what I said. I’m not even thinking that,’ I denied vehemently.
‘But you wouldn’t object to me handing over this ship to your mum?’ said Vee.
‘Let’s get this straight,’ I said, annoyed. ‘I want to ease some of the burden of being captain of this ship off your shoulders. I want to see you smile more often and be less tired and stressed. I admit it, I’m selfish. I want to see more of you – and not just from across the bridge. I want to spend more time alone with my wife.’
Vee smiled. I loved her smile. It started somewhere down in her toes and by the time it reached her face it shone out like light from a new-born star. Jeez, I’d keep that to myself though.
‘If you want me to give the ship’s executive code to your mum, I will,’ said Vee, her gaze falling away from mine.
I placed a hand under Vee’s chin and raised her head to give her a brief kiss. ‘Don’t do it for me, do it for you, and only if and when you’re one hundred per cent sure. OK?’
‘OK.’ Vee looked around her room. ‘I guess there’s nothing to stop you moving in with me permanently now – if you want to.’
‘Of course I want to. I’ll move the rest of my stuff in tomorrow.’ I checked out the bed pushed and bolted against the bulkhead. Now that I was about to relinquish my old sleeping quarters, I needed to sort out our permanent sleeping arrangements. I said casually, ‘D’you mind sleeping nearest the wall?’
‘No problem.’ Vee shrugged, but then she took a proper look at my face. ‘What’s wrong, Nate?’
Damn it! My poker face was obviously asleep.
‘Nate?’
‘I just don’t want to sleep next to the bulkhead.’ I stated.
Vee looked at me with concern, which made it worse. ‘Why? Nate, what’s going on?’
I hadn’t fooled her for a second. That troubled me.
‘Nate . . .?’
Silence.
‘Nate?’
‘For God’s sake, I don’t like to feel boxed in. All right? Happy now?’ I shouted.
Vee flinched as if I’d struck her.
Double damn it. Vee started to get to her feet. I reached out, taking her hand in mine and gently pulling her back down to sit next to me again.
‘I’m sorry, Vee. I didn’t mean to take your head off. I . . . I just can’t sleep next to the wall. I can’t stand to feel . . . trapped.’
She was probably wondering what kind of man she’d joined with. A man who couldn’t even sleep next to a damned wall without having a panic attack. Yeah, Vee had got herself a real bargain.
‘We complement each other perfectly then,’ Vee said softly. ‘Because if I’m next to the wall and you’re beside me, holding me, I’ll feel truly safe for the first time in three years.’
She smiled at me, not a hint of scorn or disappointment in her eyes, and I fell further. I took Vee’s hand in both of mine and raised it to my lips, kissing her palm. Her smile broadened.
‘My dad once told me that the point to life is to get it right,’ Vee began softly. ‘When I asked him what that meant, he told me that it was different for each person, but that
I would know instinctively when I experienced it. I think . . . I think the point of my life is to be with you.’
Simple words that would’ve had me running kilometres in the opposite direction just a short while ago. Now I welcomed them. They bound me closer and tighter to Vee and I wasn’t fighting it. But I couldn’t help feeling that the higher we climbed, the further we had to fall.
‘And if for some reason we don’t work out?’ I asked at last, giving voice to my secret fear.
Vee cupped my cheek with her hand. ‘Then I’ll see you next lifetime.’
‘I don’t want to wait another lifetime. Let’s get it right in this one,’ I replied.
‘Agreed.’
We shared a smile.
‘Now, are we going to talk all night or are you going to make love to me? said Vee.’
‘You’re tired.’
‘I’ll be fine if we take it slow,’ Vee said softly.
‘Ah! A challenge. I’m up for that,’ I agreed.
‘I thought you might be!’ Vee grinned, and we moved together to kiss.
45
The following morning, I woke before Nathan. He was facing me, fast asleep and he looked so peaceful. I smiled to myself, still not quite used to waking up beside him. I raised my head to check the time on the panel above our heads and saw I had a message from Doctor Liana. Carefully, I tried to climb over Nathan ninja-style so I wouldn’t wake him up but my ninja skills had deserted me. I was only halfway over him when his hands shot out to pull me down on top of him.
‘Sorry, Nate,’ I laughed. ‘The plan was to get out of the bed without disturbing you.’
Nathan turned his head to check the time. ‘Why’re you getting up so early?’ he asked sleepily. ‘We have another hour before our shift starts.’
‘Doctor Liana has sent me a message.’
‘How about you read it later.’ Nathan closed his eyes, weaving his fingers into my hair to pull me closer for a kiss.
I used the opportunity to roll off him completely and sprang to my feet. ‘How about I read it now in case it’s important?’
‘Dafuq! Can’t the doctor and everyone else on this damned ship give you a moment’s peace every once in a while?’ Nathan grumbled.
And he didn’t stop there! Whilst he cursed up a blue streak, I read the doc’s message. She wanted to meet with me in the mess hall before my shift started. Once I read it, I turned to Nathan who was still cursing.
‘D’you kiss your wife with that sewer mouth?’ I teased.
‘Every chance I get. In fact I was trying to when she hopped out of bed to read the doctor’s damned message,’ said Nathan.
‘You’re too old to sulk, Nate,’ I told him.
‘Come back to bed then.’
‘No can do. I’m going to meet the doctor,’ I replied.
‘I want you,’ said Nathan, indicating a certain part of his anatomy.
‘I see that, but both of you will have to wait till later,’ I told him. And I headed for the bathroom.
Once showered and dressed I headed off to meet Doctor Liana. In the mess hall, it took a few moments to find her. She was seated by herself at a table furthest away from the exit. She had a spoon loaded with food in one hand and was reading something off a tablet in her other hand, her focus totally absorbed by what she was reading. Her food fell off her spoon and she didn’t even notice. I walked over to her.
‘Nihao, Doc. You wanted to see me?’ I sat down into the chair opposite.
‘Ah, Captain. Yes, I did want to see you.’
‘Doc, please call me Vee,’ I pleaded.
‘Why does my calling you “Captain” make you so uncomfortable?’ asked Doctor Liana with interest.
My face began to burn. I glanced around but there was no one near us. ‘I guess . . . I guess I still sometimes feel like a little kid wearing her mum’s shoes which are far too big for her,’ I confessed to the doctor – something I’d never admit to anyone else, not even Nathan. I wanted him to see me as sophisticated and capable, a woman oozing poise and self-confidence, not some tongue-tied, awkward noob filled to overflowing with self-doubts who sometimes felt like she was faking it.
‘You want my advice? Stuff your mother’s shoes with whatever you have to until they fit you,’ said the doc. ‘And from what I can see, your mum’s shoes don’t need any kind of padding. Why don’t you give yourself a break, Vee?’
Doctor Sheen and I considered each other. She was right.
‘Thanks, Doc,’ I said quietly.
‘Ah, to be young again,’ smiled the doctor. ‘But then again, maybe not!’
Which made me laugh. ‘Anyway, you wanted to see me?’ I said.
‘I’d like your permission to go through the ship’s medical logs from three years ago and earlier,’ said Doctor Liana.
My smile vanished. Immediately my heart began to hammer. ‘Why?’
‘I’d like to try and learn more about the virus which killed your original crew. I want to analyse everything about it, but I can’t at the moment because I’m locked out of the historical medical logs,’ said the doc.
My frown deepened. ‘My dad and those who worked with him studied the virus. They didn’t find any way to stop it spreading,’ I said carefully.
‘I’m not disparaging your dad’s efforts,’ the doctor rushed to explain. ‘I’d just like to take a look for myself. With your permission, of course.’
For the life of me, I couldn’t think of a single reason to turn down her request, much as I wanted to. ‘OK, but just the medical logs from the previous crew, nothing else,’ I stipulated.
‘That’s all I need,’ said the doctor. ‘Thank you.’
‘I’ll set it up once I’m back on the bridge,’ I said.
This would require careful handling. No way was I prepared to give her full access to each and every medical log from three years ago. Some editing would be required.
As I stood up to depart, the doctor asked, ‘Am I right in thinking you’ve had no communication with Earth since your parents and the rest of the crew died?’
I sat back down again, shaking my head. ‘There’s no two-way communication with Earth this far out. When it was just me and Aidan, I used to send monthly sub-space reports, but I stopped that after about six months.’
‘Why?’
‘The content never changed, so what was the point? “The crew are still dead. My brother and I are still alone. I’m still desperate to make it back home and be with my grandparents. The end.” See? Always the same report so it was a waste of time. I’ll start sending them again when I’m within six months of Earth’s solar system.’
‘You miss your grandparents very much, don’t you?’
‘God, yes. They’re all I have left of my life as it was on Earth. They’re my way of feeling connected to my past. I can’t wait for them to meet Nathan. It’ll be like the past, present and future all coming together for the first time in my life,’ I gushed. Only then could I hear myself. I winced. ‘That probably made very little to no sense.’
‘It made a great deal of sense,’ smiled the doc. ‘Isn’t that what we all crave? Somewhere to be? Someone with whom we can share our life and love? A green part of the universe to call our own?’
Some note in the doctor’s voice made me pause. Here was a woman who didn’t need a dictionary to know what lonely meant.
‘Do you have someone back on Callisto or Earth, Doc?’ I asked.
‘I . . . I have a son back on Earth,’ said the doctor after a long pause.
‘Really? How old?’
‘Twenty-three. He’s training to be a doctor.’
‘Ooh. Like mother, like son,’ I smiled.
‘Something like that,’ the doctor said, her smile fading. ‘I’ll be accompanying you once we leave Mendela Prime. I want to go back home to Earth.’
‘So your son is your reason for wanting to go back?’
‘Something like that. Now tell me, how is married life?’
‘Exh
austing!’ The word slipped out before I could properly think about my answer. At the wry rise of Doctor Liana’s eyebrows, I burned hot, a curtain of fire covering my face. I rushed to explain. ‘I mean, I’ve been alone for so long, too long, and all of a sudden I’m sharing my quarters, my shower, my bed, my time, my life. Nate and I try to spend at least an hour a day just talking to each other about anything, the past, the future, our hopes and dreams. We’ve even managed to watch a few of my favourite twenty-first century films together. And I love it, I truly do, but it’s exhausting.’
‘Have you told Nathan that?’
I shook my head. ‘I don’t want him to think I don’t like being with him, ’cause nothing could be further from the truth. It’s just . . . people are tiring.’
‘I hear that,’ said the doctor. ‘Does Nathan talk about Callisto?’
I sighed. ‘Not really anymore. Not often. And he totally hates doing it, so I try not to push too hard on that subject. He told me a fair amount when we first met but now it’s a bit here, a little there. I’m hoping the longer we’re together, the more he’ll open up to me. In the meantime we discuss his time spent on his mum’s last ship and what he remembers of Earth – that kind of stuff.’
Doctor Liana nodded. ‘You’re right not to push,’ she said carefully. ‘Let him tell you in his own time, when he’s ready. I like Nathan, and believe me, he’s been through a lot. I had to patch him up more than once back on Callisto. I don’t know if he told you this but I was the one who operated on him to attach his prosthetic lower leg when he lost his own.’
‘No, I didn’t know that,’ I replied.
‘It’s a testament to just how much you mean to him that he told you anything at all about his time on that god-awful moon,’ said the doctor.