But just as I dry a globule of moisture from an ear lobe this apt morning, Percival comes in. With a tray aloft bearing a great brown pot, a plate covered with rashers, three fried eggs, tomato and stack of brown toast. A jar of marmalade and white bowl of golden butter.
‘Good morning sir.’
‘Percival are you all right.’
‘Fit as a cello. Didn’t the pig last night knock the knee back into permanent place.’
‘I’m delighted to hear that.’
‘Grand as it ever was.’
‘I hope our guests haven’t departed I’d like to say goodbye.’
‘I would think you would have ample time sir, as I watched them a moment ago carrying in a stream of stuff that would sink a ship. And this morning there are five of them where I would swear there were only four last night. Now how’s this little spot for you here by the gun turret. Give you a view of the sea on this fine morning.’
‘What’s that.’
‘What sir.’
‘Grazing there, just by the wall.’
‘Ah that’s Toro.’
‘Good Lord. Whose is he.’
‘Yours sir by the lack of claimants but I wouldn’t ever be nearer him than I’d be to a thick wall you could get over in a hurry.’
‘Is he vicious.’
‘Ah if he has a few old cows around he’s harmless enough. I thought I’d mention sir I took the liberty of opening up an account beyond there at the shop.’
‘That’s awfully kind Percival but as I’ve told you I can’t really afford.’
‘Now sir who said anything about bills or the like. Sure when you’re ready is time enough. And if you’re not ready it’s not time enough.’
‘Percival you seem to have confidence in the future.’
‘Ah now without the present you wouldn’t have a future. And sure the present is busy making the past while the future is waiting. And there’s no harm keeping the future waiting while it’s not here yet. And when you get there what is it but you’re in the present all over again. Will you have milk first or last in the tea.’
‘I think last, please.’
‘Now I’ve got Tim giving a hand with the garden. Just beyond the wall there. We’ll be having a spud or two before long. With the old gun I’ll blast a few of them hares off the heather for dinner tonight. How are you with the rod sir.’
‘I beg your pardon.’
‘For the fishing.’
‘I don’t fish.’
‘That’s a pity now. There’s plenty to be had from the deep out there. And now sir I must be gone about my chores.’
Staring out the tiny window of the turret, Clementine biting into the red rashers. Laid gently upon a toasted buttery bread of wheat seed. Crushed sweetly between the back molars. Things not so bad. When you think. There’s no harm keeping the future waiting. Meanwhile fish, shoot and look at Toro. And if one is not mistaken this is the basket weave of Sheraton I sit on. Just like the chair in great aunt’s room. Where I sat. As Percival snored unconscious. And Rose gave me glances. Felt like a guest in my own house when she invited me to go with her down into the kitchen to make cocoa. But the eyes. Of her. Made one cautious and swiftly drowsy. I hesitated. And dead centre of that pause she said you won’t mind if I go myself and have a bite to eat.
Clementine descending the stair into the great hall. A shaft of mid morning sunlight glinting on the display of shields on the north wall. Under which stands Franz Pickle adjusting a surveyor’s tripod. As Erconwald enters the front door carrying a small statue and an apparatus.
‘Ah good person, let me welcome you on this fine day and say good morning. How are you.’
‘Fine thanks.’
‘We are I think now sufficiently unloaded. It would not do for unauthorised persons to handle our equipage and we are storing it in a safe place.’
‘I see.’
‘Ah good person I perceive some flummoxity upon your countenance. It is we have certain sample minerals, udometers, hydrometers, recent and fossil brachiopoda. Microscope. Geiger counter. Volt meter. Plant specimens. And here I carry Brahma, the Omnipresent One. And this is an oriental water pipe. Ah but why trouble you with such trivial paraphernalia this morning. I entrust you have breakfasted well.’
‘Yes thank you.’
‘And voided with ease that of which you are glad to be rid. Should you have difficulty in your personal cycle, we have a most effective remedy. A herbal infusion in which there is a colloidal suspension of selected finely ground sea weeds. Two spoonfuls of the well shaken mixture will blast waste from the bowel with the splendour of the trumpet blown unrestrained. In fact we suggest this musical accompaniment. But I keep you. Pray let me not do that. With the sun shining.’
‘Perhaps you could tell me what your associate Mr Pickle is doing.’
‘Ah, but of course. It is unforgivable of us not to have asked your permission but you have been so kind we did not wish to trouble you further. Franz is most excited. But does not want to hop skip nor jump to conclusions. And therefore I would ask your good person if I might withhold for a short time the nature of our enquiry.’
‘For how long.’
‘Ah. Franz. How long is needed for your investigation.’
‘Seventy two hours, provided that I do not have to drill.’
‘Ah good person I see that latter word uttered by Franz has wrought again upon your countenance some further flummoxity. Please be reassured. It is core drilling to which he refers. The core withdrawn being easily replaced, although we may have to retain certain portions. May I enquire. You are single.’
‘I have three.’
‘Ah that is forward looking. And where do you keep your spouses.’
‘O wives. No I’m single.’
‘Ah. As am I. And George. But Franz has seven daughters. Although we have made numerous arrangements George has not yet had the good fortune to cohabit with the female homosapien. My own occasions of doing so are infrequent. I am uncircumcised. My log book records, I have it here, ah yes. Of human sexual unions. Thirteen. Twelve, with harlots. Of bestial cohabitations there have been five. I fail to have erection with women to whom I have paid court. Except in one recent case when I have inhaled the donkey distillate prescribed by Franz when engorgement took place immediately thereafter. Although I had parental consent, the subject was under the statutory legal age for carnal knowledge. And it is with regret that a law case ensued. The three of us possess quite normal penises. Mine being the largest both flaccid and in erection. Ten point seven centimetres and seventeen point four respectively. Ah but I must not delay you.’
‘You’re staying to lunch.’
‘Ah that would be most cordial kind sir.’
‘And dinner.’
‘We are indeed most grateful.’
Erconwald reaching the ends of his sentences gives a little inclination of the head. He and George appear cleaner than Franz. Although the latter is kept busy brewing up the horny distillate. Been offered the laxative but not the aphrodisiac. Take with me outside the discomforting vision of the bunch of them, snakes entwined around ankles taking craps while they tickle the ceilings with their tools in extensum. Thereupon gouging in the soft plaster suggestive rude motifs.
Charnel Castle’s ivied turrets massively silhouetted against the sky. Smoke pouring from four chimney pots. Two great black birds throb wings up into the blue from a battlement, turn, wheel and dive with gleaming wings and zoom up again in the mild air. Bleat of sheep. Call of a lamb. From which Percival if he’s a good shot may get a chop. Or a trout may flip out for the breakfast table from a stream flowing by the castle wall. The legs want to churn and run, the arms to flail up hills. The voice to shout. To this gang who have invaded. When the hell are you leaving. Taking with you your ghosts, snakes, tripods and reek of onions.
High on the northeastern battlement. In a bright red dress. Rose standing waving down. Look behind me. No one. Wave back. How do you do. Did you get a bite to eat
recently. Wow did you hear that. Rose kidding around skipping over a stack of octaves. Echoing back from hillsides. Across the bay. Beyond the sandy beach and boat house. Where sits the yacht. For which I now have a crew to put aboard. Erconwald as captain. Donkey distillate in the engine to make it go.
Clementine followed by Elmer passing his guest’s lengthy motor parked outside the castle wall. Packing two spare wheels on the running boards. Upon one of which my big woof woof pees. Inside a gentleman to whom one has not yet been introduced sitting next to the driver’s seat. Staring blankly ahead. Does not even seem to see me. I’ll put him down in the engine room. Of the yacht. Where his stoicism can play an important part amid the turbines. Which from what I remember of my naval career are very noisy.
A narrow path descending through a wood of beech, pine and sycamore. Sound of lapping water. In the shadows a great slate roof of a large stone building jutting from the steep hillside out into the bay. A set of steps to a door under eaves. Here we go. Open this padlock. And push. Good Lord. It’s got a funnel. Two lifeboats. Be my first command. After all my years of naval training. To the rear march. Step over the bulkhead. Toss your oars. This is your captain speaking, give way together belay abaft and keep your luff. You swabies.
Clementine standing in the semidarkness. Saluting and smiling in the wheelhouse. Putting his fists tight around the helm. Could head this thing out through those doors. Smash slicing through the mountainous swells, sea spray on the face. Castle cannon blasting once more. Setting a route for the unknown. Brave mariner with a few selected female deck hands navigating a calm but titillating course while sunning on the uncluttered foredeck out there. And in here a leather cushioned chair for the captain to relax while one is underway. With some rather risqué marine sauciness.
With lighted matches, Clementine explored the ship. Ninety eight feet overall. Twenty one of your feet across the beam. Giant diesel in the engine room. Packing twelve cylinders. Even a little tool table with wrenches, vise and drill. Elevator an upright coffin with a mirror to comb hair. Could fit two deeply in love. Salt stained portholes of the main saloon. Flowered sofas and stacks of yellow covered geographical magazines. A crapper here and a crapper there. In which Elmer samples the rusty water, and rushes up and down the gangway. Chewing on the carpet, peeing on a stair. Take Rose off the parapet, down a dram of donkey distillate, turn this vessel into a ship of shame.
Clementine tapping a barometer on the mahogany panelling of a large stateroom amidships. A double bed covered with a tattered canvas sail. A cough just to my rear. Making only a small area of hair stand up on the back of my head. As one gets used to the random terrors. And Erconwald. Slowly bowing and taking off a white yachting cap.
‘Ah good person forgive me. I did see you disappear in this direction. And I came aboard but to ask a question. Which I hesitatingly do as we have already taken generously of your hospitality and a further imposition is unthinkable but pray, some friends have arrived, both of them people who will please you. And here. Humbly I offer, with the compliments of Franz, myself and George, a vial of the donkey distillate. When Franz has completed his precipitation of essences from reproduction fluids of the mamba, we shall of course, upon its meeting with satisfaction in our tests, put it at your immediate disposal.’
‘Thank you. Your friends are they just passing through.’
‘Ah. Passing through. Ah. Perhaps that might be answered by a brief description. He is Lead Kindly Light. His wife is a woman of cultivation. They have long involved themselves with kindnesses to those imprisoned. And they are accompanied by three exprisoners. Some women of course prefer to cohabit with the stored up passions of men incarcerated for many years.’
‘There are five of them.’
‘Ah yes to be sure. But I see dear good person that you are dismayed. I would not want that. Pray say the word and we shall depart. But may I say first that Rose wishes for me to send you her compliments. She discerns good person, as certainly do I, your nobility and your abundant humanity. Of which we, your most humble servants, gratefully partake. I withdraw to await your word.’
Clementine stumbling through the companionway and up out of the damp mustiness. To climb the steps again of the boathouse. Go out the door into the sunshine and rush back up the hill. In the library, thumbing through the dictionary to the letter m. And listed below mama’s boy and above mambo, the word mamba. Any of several tropical venomous snakes attaining a length of twelve feet and dreaded because of its lightning quickness and fearless readiness to inflict its fatal bite.
Clementine leaning heavily upon the edge of the desk. Inlaid diamonds of ivory surrounding a green leather top. Sneak back into the world by the skin of my foreskin, get somewhere to live and one is set hysterically dancing between a lot of slashing fatal fangs. Which strike even if you didn’t do a god damn thing to it. Like step on its head. Which you can’t do because of its lightning speed. And twelve feet of writhing deadliness waiting to inject into one’s tegument.
Voices in the great hall. Where Clementine tiptoes. Franz’s tripod erected in a different corner. Leaving in the one he has left four tiles removed and a pile of dug up clay. Percival standing amid a collection of luggage. A man of delicate stature and open necked shirt scratching his privates with one hand and holding a shepherd’s staff in the other. Next to him a tall, blonde broad shouldered woman, with a large head and bosoms giving the aspect of cemented masonry. To which one might take a heavy hammer and chisel. And not get anywhere. After a long sweaty battering. Quietly behind them three gentlemen with colourful ties and more of the blue pin striped suits. Faces peacefully composed, each with hands folded, looking up now and again at the distant ceiling.
‘Ah good person. These are my friends. Permit me. Mrs Lead Kindly Light and her husband.’
‘How do you do.’
‘How do you do. You will forgive my husband and I as you can see we are covered with spatterings from the roads. And we have been appallingly misdirected by the natives. We do appreciate your having us like this. My husband picked up Erconwald’s morse late last night and we motored directly here. It is quaint. Don’t you think so dear. I do like the curve of the staircase. It’s quite clearly a later addition.’
‘Good person their three friends would prefer not to be introduced. And I took the liberty of suggesting to them that they be guided by your faithful Percival to chambers. I did not wish to disturb your scholarship in which you were engaged when I peeked upon you in the library.’
Nine people to lunch. Franz showing up late due he said to changing a bit in his drill. Rose changed from red to a bright yellow dress. Mr and Mrs Lead Kindly Light kept art books open at their places. The exprisoners inquired politely if I required anything from their end of the table. I asked for the salt. Which was passed. During the three course luncheon of tomato soup, fried bacon and egg and steam pudding, Percival poured away four magnums of claret down the eager throats. I asked after Putlog.
‘Ah, he is, if you listen carefully playing the organ. He does so much want to create for you any pleasure and thought music throughout luncheon would meet with your approval.’
‘Well thank you.’
Dinner brought the appearance of the apparition in the car. Who sat at the opposite end of the table, said nothing and stared at his plate. Candles were fuming from the … alls. Percival nudged me in the ribs in the wine cellar.
‘Ah God sir these are like the good old days.’
I struck from the cellar book six magnums of claret to be had with two hares and a sheep Tim had said was so near death on the far hillside that it was a pity not to put her cooked on the table. Guests swept the mutton down leg by leg with a gurgling of claret. Erconwald and Franz partook of their own onions and watercress from the stream. And the exprisoners between helpings heaped small courtesies and flatterings upon Rose. Till Mrs L K L said you do enjoy your food my dear, it’s nice to hear hungry jaws at work.
One felt that Rose would get up an
d put her large hands tightly around the sinewy neck which rooted deeply down into Mrs L K L’s bosoms now upright like heaving gun emplacements ready to send out busty salvos. I had the most painful erection under the table. Having merely put the tip of my tongue into the donkey distillate. And I watched as Rose got up, went around the table and put her hands constricting around Mrs L K L’s neck.
Percival was serving seconds of the share. Oscar pausing in the dining room doorway with the remains of the mutton floating in the brown greasy gravy which began to slide as the platter tilted. Erconwald’s mouth open. To now receive a quartered onion. Ena pouring wine. Which she was doing down the shoulder of the silent mystery man at the end of the table. Who sat rigidly contemplating an empty area just beyond his plate. It has always embarrassed me to stand up in front of people with a bulge in one’s trousers. About to plan as I was some lighthearted repartee. To quell the presently brewing social holocaust. And maybe thereby get round to the price of butter, four pounds of which disappeared at lunch.
Mrs L K L gasped and brought her hands up to grab Rose’s wrists. A large purplish vein swelling out on her neck. That, by God, could be the jugular. By which so many of us want to get others. Now a vessel protrudes on her temple. Even in this light she is beginning to turn blue. As her husband turns a page of his book. And the exprisoners rise. A swarthy one to take an arm of Rose. Another attempting a lighthearted headlock and getting promptly butted in the face. The remaining exprisoner is feeling her behind. For hidden strengths. Christ what a crew. All turning as the remaining mound of mutton slips from Oscar’s tray. The poor kid’s face torn with alarm. Erased suddenly by a victory roar from Rose. Certainly not of Tralee.
‘I’ll strangle you you fucking bitch.’
Erconwald did not include among his many descriptions of self and associates that they were to a man adherents of the doctrine that it is desirable and possible to settle acrimonious miff and bitter huff by peaceful means. And they moved not a muscle. As Rose contorts in the rather over-familiar grasp of the exprisoners. And giggling now pressing away hands from under her armpits. Music in the distance increased in tempo and crescendo. Only need a stage and box office. One or two ancestors there on the wall might by the rate of their eyeball movement even pay admission.