Percival with a new nimbleness since his midnight collision with Fred the pig, making a flying leap. Towards Mrs L K L raising a small pearl handled pistol taken from a mesh evening purse. Bang bang bang. Lead sprinkling the walls. Sending moths out of the tapestry. Bang bang, two bullets pinging upon an armorial knick knack. Exprisoners painfully levering off Rose’s fingers sunk into the neck of Mrs L K L whose mouth’s open and tongue out, gasping. One arm outstretched, hand clinging to the gun, her robust sinewy qualities no match for Rose. Who is better at strangling than singing.
Lead Kindly Light the husband perused his book throughout, taking from a side dish thin cross sections of onions upon which he squeezes a liquid from a plastic replica of a lemon. With a delicate flourish of the wrist he puts them in his mouth. And now I see he wears sandals over white socks just visible through the other crouched figures under the table. Must call for port to be followed by cheese and cantos. With demi tasse and desperation in the chapel. Where there is an altar to permit premeditated injury and maim among the guests. And be near the organ music as well.
With my secluded feelings spirited away within me I bid the guests goodnight. Mrs L K L was led sobbing from the dining room escorted by the three exprisoners. When Percival appeared with port I instructed it to be placed by my bedside. The mystery man came up to me and with the saddest face I have ever seen, put out his hand to shake mine. Two enormous scars went down both cheeks under the eyes. And one sensed he was trying to smile. Erconwald kept bowing low as he backed away, feeling with one hand to his rear and I confess I was waiting for him to step backwards over one of those lines drawn by Percival. Which sent the victim downwards.
‘Abjectly good person I tender my apologies. No balm hath die calm that I do wish I might anoint you with.’
‘I certainly don’t want to get bitten by one of your god damn snakes.’
‘Ah. You have spoken.’
‘You’re damn right I’ve spoken.’
‘And I’m saddened to note that you do so with alarm.’
‘You bet you do, those things are dangerous just bringing them into someone’s house like that. And then digging up the floor. What kind of behaviour is that.’
‘I am deeply wounded.’
‘With your friends carrying guns. Attacking each other. Turning the castle into a circus, I’m really mad, no kidding.’
‘Good person my utmost assurance. I understand your concern. But most of the mambas have had their fangs removed.’
‘You’ve got real live poisonous snakes.’
‘Most noble person, there is no need for qualm, only three of the fourteen can inflict a fatal bite. Franz is in complete control, so swift of hand he can grasp a mamba in the act of striking. I had much hoped had not the dinner ended with an unfortunate misunderstanding that Franz assisted by Rose would demonstrate his dominance over one of the most deadly of reptiles.’
‘What. Let them loose.’
‘Ah please, unburden yourself of misgiving. Quick as the mamba is to anger Franz often inspires moments of tranquillity and upon occasion even strokes the serpent under the chin. Enclosed in their container they are perfectly harmless. Fear not good person.’
‘Fear. That’s all I’ve known the last two days.’
‘I am grieved. Truly I want for an untroubled stillness to cushion your spirit, where no ravage ruin or thuggism may hatch out chafe or gall upon you. Good person, please. Peace. Perhaps you are not a pagan, as am I.’
‘I believe in God.’
‘Then you are with peace.’
‘I’m scared shitless.’
‘Have you tried our laxative.’
‘Not on your nelly.’
Erconwald bows. Comes slowly erect. Tears in his eyes. Which avert downwards to my right. His hands hang lonely, a faint green gleam from his emerald caught in the candle light. The rumpled fabric of his tweed coat and whiteness of his skin at the open neck of his shirt. Forlorn and godless. He stands in this testicle chilling chamber. The great door bolted and pinioned shut. With levers, bars and chains. Locking us all in. With no way out. Unless you want to sail down a dungeon tunnel skidding on a sea of rodents.
‘I’m sorry Erconwald I did not mean to upset your feelings.’
‘My hope was good person to add pleasure to your life by our presence.’
‘With dangerous reptiles, exprisoners and one of your associates digging up the front hall over there. What kind of pleasure is that.’
‘Your thrust sir, pierces deep. I undertake to disturb and trouble you no further. Your humble and most obedient servant withdraws.’
‘Hey now wait a minute.’
‘Sir.’
‘I don’t want to make anybody cry.’
‘I merely weep. In sorrow. Not anguish.’
‘Why.’
‘Not least of all for news that you might treat as good. Should it come.’
‘Now what do you mean by that.’
‘Pray, trust me.’
‘Trust, my God. I don’t even know where my next meal is coming from.’
‘That indeed may be the very problem we shall solve.’
‘By snake bite. O boy.’
‘I ask but to be given the opportunity to prove that our present labours will bear fruit. Already one feels an expectancy.’
He stands with a patience monumental. His calm voice echoing and reasonable face gently saddened. Every few moments he shivers. I feel an icy cold pressing my feet. Tell the bunch of them to go and they could start jeering. Or digging into the foundations. Even now they may be sifting through the silver plate and planning to throw me out.
‘Can I sleep on it.’
‘But most certainly good person.’
‘Good night.’
‘Sleep pleased, good person.’
‘Thank you.’
A chunk of red cheese, decanter of port and a stack of tomes from the library on my bedside table. Things look warm but feel cold in the firelight. The stone hot water bottles make damp patches on top of the bed. Only that the chapel is over in their wing I would stop in to pray. Erconwald said Putlog had tuned the organ and cleaned the rat nests from the pipes. He would give a recital anytime I liked. Come to this barren waste and over night it’s one cavorting albeit cultured holiday camp.
Winds whining and the sea pounding out there. One might sleepwalk. Off battlements into deeps. Percival said there was a black ice cold bottomless lake just up the mountain side. Full of strange thin fish, some so sharp they could swim through a stone. But at the end of the sea tunnel opening out from the cliffs and down six fathoms was the great conger. Lurking in a cave. Percival said ah now sir I didn’t want to worry you with an old eel. But for many years they were dropping off terrible things out the end of the tunnel, the like of heads and thighs and it’s said Clementine of The Three Glands was shoving off there his discarded females in one screaming piece. Tim now throws off the odd dead sheep if Miss Ovary isn’t in need of one for dinner. That thing down there devours bowels and entrails by the wheel barrow. And I’m telling you now it’s thought that that’s the way old Clarence’s mother and father went as well as Paddy the butcher who wandered off the cliff drunk and none has ever been seen since except that in the bright sunshine pelvic girdles are obvious on the sand below. Rumour has it that the great conger remained mild enough feeding on the odd lad stumbling off the edge and that it never added to the huge creature’s viciousness till a protestant rose growing land owner was ate by the conger while trying to fish for him out of a little dingy and was dragged to his doom. The conger has been mean vicious and evil to a degree ever since, demonstrating quite clearly a catholic is sweet to the taste just as a protestant is sour.
A low growl from Elmer. During the fracas downstairs he lay quietly by the fireside. And polished off the mutton before Oscar tugging at one end could get it out of his great grey jaws. Which means he won’t need a nightcap of my billiard slippers washed down by a few pairs of socks. He contentedly
looks up at me propped shivering in bed. No floor board to squeak in this room. Anyone could tiptoe in a good quality pair of sneakers and get me round the neck. And unless they were mutton Elmer might not mind. That’s a knock. On my door.
‘Come in.’
‘I don’t want to disturb you. But could I borrow a toothbrush. I was wandering around this morning and saw your collection.’
‘Of course. But all of them are used.’
‘That’s no bother to me. Can I come in and take one.’
‘Please do.’
Rose in her silk kimono. Which is blue embellished with green dragons, mouths spitting orange flame. Hear her high heels. And my heart thumping. Opening up as she does the toothbrush case. And picks and chooses.
‘Take any one.’
‘All the bristles have dropped out of mine.’
‘I’m sorry to hear that.’
‘Did you think I was unladylike tonight. I’m not a lady but that one is one of them cultured rich ones with her little puppet husband on a string.’
‘I quite understand.’
‘Well I didn’t want to appear as if I was unladylike.’
‘No I can quite see that.’
‘How do you come to be living in this castle all to yourself, servants waiting on you hand and foot with not a bother in the world. If you don’t mind my asking a personal question.’
‘My great grand aunt gave it to me.’
‘You’re not codding me. Gave it to you.’
‘And Elmer there as well.’
‘Wish I had an aunt like that. Could give me a decent flat. I’m living in a basement. Flooded it is too. Didn’t the three of them come in over a weekend and that Franz start digging in the corner saying that according to his map evidence there was a mineral deposit. There was a spring. That’s what there was. Gushing right up into me face. Leaving me living in a foot of water and terrified the landlord would see it.’
‘I’m sorry to hear that.’
‘In my boots day and night.’
‘That’s awful.’
‘He put stones for me to leap from one to the other. The only good thing about them was he tried it himself and fell flat on his face. Would you ever let me have a glass of that wine there and a bit of cheese.’
‘By all means help yourself.’
‘What a life with wine and cheese by the bedside reading a book. Grrrrrrrr. Grrrrr. It makes me growl.’
‘Here take this knife.’
‘I like to bite out chunks. It’s a relief to be shut of them eegits for a bit. They almost killed me coming cross country. Took out my tonsils. Operating in the back of the car with that maniac Franz driving. Couldn’t eat a thing for three days. With them killing chickens and cows around every bend in the road. And one odd gentleman they took his cart donkey and hay rick right from underneath him and the poor old man had ten years put onto his life as he came through the sun roof of the car onto my lap making a mess in his trousers. And that Franz beating on the poor creature with a riding crop for being in his way. And like they do to everybody they hand out that donkey distillate. We got the old man back to his cottage. Seventy four he was and chased his eighty four year old wife all over the place with Erconwald trying to train a film camera on them.
Sure the distillate’s a fake, the old man was just knocked out of his senses.’
‘Why do you stay with them.’
‘They pay me. Outside the city limits I’m on combat remuneration so to speak. With the car stinking of onions and their instruments sticking in my backside. They take my rectal temperature every morning. That’s an extra pound a week I get for that lark. With them carrying on all the time about precision.’
‘What about your singing.’
‘That. Sure the opera they put on was the greatest fiasco in the history of performing arts. Franz back stage was putting out a smoke to make a low fog for an ostrich to walk through with its head sticking out the top of it. He said the authenticity of such a scene would be unforgettable. Well I can tell you this bird nearly eight feet high and three hundred weight gave authenticity aplenty when the thing got off the stage and ran amok in the audience. The three of them have been sued ever since for two broken legs and concussions too numerous to mention with the theatre left like a battlefield. That was the end of me own operatic career. And theirs too I can tell you.’
‘It seems to me they are very inconsiderate.’
‘Inconsiderate, don’t make me laugh. They are dangerous.’
‘O God.’
‘This is grand wine. Would you mind if I had another little bit of the cheese.’
‘No not at all.’
‘Are you uneasy.’
‘Well I’m sort of settling in. I wasn’t expecting guests.’
‘Guests you call them. Get that notion out of your mind in a hurry. Inhabitants is the word. Haven’t they got a laboratory rigged up in one of your rooms and in another weren’t they putting a hole in the floor to make a snakepit of the room below.’
‘Holy cow.’
‘But I’ll tell you one thing. They are the only three honest people I have ever met in this country. Not once was I ever diddled out of a penny. And they keep their word to the letter. Sure at Christmas time they distribute dozens of ducks to the poor and educate little orphan waifs sending them to the best of colleges. They refuse no one a kindness. I’ve seen Erconwald with me own eyes walk along the Green with a bunch of little scallywags begging pennies and he’d empty his pockets to them. Old women dying up there behind the brewery have them to thank for peaceful last moments on this earth. With their own families trying to cuff them into their graves, you would see Erconwald, Putlog and Franz putting balm on the poor creature’s forehead and giving her jelly beans and cream lemon delights to eat. While the savages were drinking outside the door merrymaking in a hurry to get the poor old thing under the sods. Would you mind if I sat down.’
‘No please do.’
‘You could start a good little business in this place.’
Rose renewing her glass of port. Holding the cheese by the rind as she shaves off the last slivers with her incisors, eyes flashing in the candle light. Dark haunting globes. She fixes them on me. Starts a staring match. Wins after nine seconds. And throws her head back, shakes her hair. Her dimensions all bigger than mine go written around in the inside of my head.
‘You don’t mind me asking are you queer.’
‘I beg your pardon.’
‘You heard me. Are you queer.’
‘I don’t think so.’
‘Well I’m waiting.’
‘O.’
‘You know what I’m talking about. Have you not ever heard the expression give the man in the bed a woman.’
‘I don’t think so.’
‘Well do you want me to get into the bed or don’t you.’
‘Sure. Do please, get in.’
‘I’ll take off this old yoke on me.’
‘Wow.’
‘Ha ha. Grrrrrr. How’s that.’
‘O boy.’
‘I’m freezing too. Move over. Linen sheets and pillow cases with embroidery. You’re a plutocrat. Them dungeons down there. Chains and shackles on the walls. Rats running all over the place. You and your predecessors must have had a grand time incarcerating the poor natives, whipping and starving them down there, stealing all the land you could get your greedy bloody hands on. What am I doing in this bed with the likes of you.’
‘I didn’t do anything to the natives. I just got here.’
‘Well it’s on your head. You’ve got the features of a cruel landlord. Written all over you. When the insurgents get here. The likes of you will be made quick work of I can tell you.’
‘Insurgents.’
‘You bet insurgents. The army of insurrection. Get your elbow out of me tit like that. What do you think this is.’
‘I don’t know, I’m sure. Obviously there’s been a misunderstanding.’
‘Have you got more p
ort.’
‘The decanter’s right there.’
‘Well I’ll help myself then.’
Clementine adjusting his sky blue skull cap. Keeps away the night air’s unfavourable effect upon the roots of the hair. A tuft of which in vigorous black grows under Rose’s oxster. Wouldn’t stand a chance in combat with her. The biggest exprisoner was lifted right up off his toes trying to choke her with a headlock from behind. Wish fervently this most painful erection one sports would go down in case she decides to wrench it off. Before the insurgents get here. And do it.
‘Rose would you mind pouring me a glass as well, please.’
‘Take mine why don’t you and I’ll fill another. Would you mind telling me what them things are up there on the wall.’
‘Pulley’s for raising and lowering the iron door.’
‘The insurgents will make quick work of that.’
‘Do you happen to know when they’re coming.’
‘If I did what would I tell you for. I know the commandant personally.’
‘Do you think he will take exception to me.’
‘How should I know. But one person in this enormous place. With whole families having to live in one room.’
‘At the moment there are about sixteen people here. Not including the dog, the pig and a collection of snakes.’
‘Ah I love those mambas.’
‘They’re deadly snakes.’
‘I’m injected against harm from them. Look at me arm. The scars. And soon they’ll be more they’re breeding to let them loose in the fields. You’ll be free of the rats.’
‘And out of my mind with mambas.’
‘You’re a funny sort. Rigged up like that to go to sleep. For myself now I’m fond of nakedness. Been photographed back sides and front by Erconwald. He fancies himself as a photographer. Before I entered the singing contest he followed me all over town. If I was having coffee he would sit at a nearby table taking notes. Finally in the lobby of a hotel he steps out from behind a pillar and introduces himself. I laughed in his face. He says to me, ah madam permit me to make myself known from behind this architectural embellishment. Didn’t he leap out at me. With a goat-like delicacy using these light footed floating side steps. Down on one knee he goes. Holding out to me a ring he has in the centre of a little tray. Wasn’t everyone in the lobby watching. I nearly fainted backwards with embarrassment. Next I’m staring barefaced at an engraved proposal of marriage. And with not another word out of him he gets up, bows and goes off scribbling in his little book in the corner.’