XIII.
GENOA, GIBRALTAR, AND COLUMBUS
"Whatta da namea dissa cit?" asked the Unwiseman in his best Italian asthe party arrived at Genoa, whence they were to set sail for home thenext day.
"This is Genoa," said Mollie.
"What's it good for?" demanded the old gentleman, gazing around him in ahighly critical fashion.
"It's where Christopher Columbus was born," said Mollie. "Didn't youknow that?"
"You don't mean the gentleman who discovered the United States, do you?"asked the Unwiseman, his face brightening with interest.
"The very same," said Mollie. "He was born right here in this town."
"Humph!" ejaculated the Unwiseman. "Queer place for a fellow like thatto be born in. You'd think a man who was going to discover America wouldhave been born a little nearer the United States than this. Up inCanada for instance, or down around Cuba, so's he wouldn't have so farto travel."
"Canada and Cuba weren't discovered either at that time," explainedMollie, smiling broadly at the Unwiseman's ignorance.
"Really?" said the Unwiseman. "Well that accounts for it. I alwayswondered why the United States wasn't discovered by somebody nearerhome, like a Canadian or a Cuban, or some fellow down around where thePanama hats come from, but of course if there wasn't any Canadians orCubans or Panama hatters around to do it, it's as clear as pie." The oldgentleman paused a moment, and then he went on: "So this is the placethat would have been our native land if Columbus hadn't gone to sea, isit? I think I'll take home a bottle of it to keep on the mantel-piecealongside of my bottle of United States and label 'em' My Native Land,Before and After.'"
"That's a very good idea," said Mollie. "Then you'll have a completeset."
"I wonder," said the Unwiseman, rubbing his forehead reflectively, "Iwonder if he's alive yet."
"What, Christopher Columbus?" laughed Mollie.
"Yes," said the Unwiseman. "I haven't seen much in the papers about himlately, but that don't prove he's dead."
"Why he discovered America in 1492," said Mollie.
"Well--let's see--how long ago was that? More'n forty years, wasn't it?"said the Unwiseman.
"I guess it was more than forty years ago," giggled Mollie.
"Well--say fifty then," said the Unwiseman. "I'm pretty nearly that oldmyself. I was born in 1839, or 1843, or some such year, and as Iremember it we'd been discovered then--but that wouldn't make him soawfully old you know. A man can be eighty and still live. Look at oldMethoosalum--he was nine hundred."
"Oh well," said Mollie, "there isn't any use of talking about it.Columbus has been dead a long time----"
"All I can say is that I'm very sorry," interrupted the Unwiseman, witha sad little shake of his head. "I should very much like to have goneover and called on him just to thank him for dishcovering the UnitedStates. Just think, Mollie, of what would have happened if he hadn't!You and I and old Fizzledinkie here would have had to be Eye-talians, orSwitzers, and live over here all the time if it hadn't been for him, andour own beautiful native land would have been left way across the seaall alone by itself and we'd never have known anything about it."
"We certainly ought to be very much obliged to Mr. Columbus for all hedid for us," said Mollie.
"I-guess-somebuddyelse-wudda-donit," whistled Whistlebinkie. "Theycuddn'-ta-helptit-with-all-these-socean steamers-going-over-thereevery-day."
"That's true enough," said the Unwiseman, "but we ought to be thankfulto Columbus just the same. Other people _might_ have done it, but thefact remains that he _did_ do it, so I'm much obliged to him. I'd sortof like to do something to show my gratitude."
"Better write to his family," grinned Whistlebinkie.
"For a rubber doll with a squeak instead of brain in his head that's afirst rate idea, Fizzledinkie," said the old gentleman. "I'll do it."
And so he did. The evening mail from the Unwiseman's hotel carried withit a souvenir postal card addressed to Christopher Columbus, Jr., uponwhich the sender had written as follows:
GENOA, Aug. 23, 19--.
DEAR CHRISTOPHER:
As an American citizen I want to thank you for your Papa's very great kindness in dishcovering the United States. When I think that if he hadn't I might have been born a Switzer or a French John Darm it gives me a chill. I would have called on you to say this in person if I'd had time, but we are going to sail tomorrow for home and we're pretty busy packing up our carpet-bags and eating our last meals on shore. If you ever feel like dishcovering us on your own account and cross over the briny deep yourself, don't fail to call on me at my home where I have a fine kitching stove and an umbrella which will always be at your disposal.
Yours trooly, THE UNWISEMAN, U. S. A.
Later in the evening to the same address was despatched another postalreading:
P.S. If you happen to have an extra photograph of your Papa lying around the house that you don't want with his ortygraph on it I shall be glad to have you send it to me. I will have it framed and hung up in the parlor alongside of General Washington and President Roosevelt who have also been fathers of their country from time to time.
Yours trooly, THE UNWISEMAN, U. S. A.
"I'm glad I did that," said the Unwiseman when he told Mollie of his twomessages to Christopher, Jr. "I don't think people as a rule are carefulenough these days to show their thanks to other people who do things forthem. It don't do any harm to be polite in matters of that kind and sometime it may do a lot of good. Good manners ain't never out of placeanywhere anyhow."
In which praiseworthy sentiment I am happy to say both Mollie andWhistlebinkie agreed.
The following day the travellers embarked on the steamer bound for NewYork. This time, weary of his experience as a stowaway on the trip over,the Unwiseman contented himself with travelling in his carpet-bag andnot until after the ship had passed along the Mediterranean and outthrough the straits of Gibraltar, did he appear before his companions.His first appearance upon deck was just as the coast of Africa wasfading away upon the horizon. He peered at this long and earnestlythrough a small blue bottle he held in his hand, and then when the lastvestige of the scene sank slowly behind the horizon line into the sea,he corked the bottle up tightly, put it into his pocket and turned toMollie and Whistlebinkie.
"Well," he said, "that's done--and I'm glad of it. I've enjoyed thistrip very much, but after all I'm glad I'm going home. Be it ever sobumble there's no place like home, as the Bee said, and I'll be glad tobe back again where I can sleep comfortably on my kitchen-stove, with mybeloved umbrella standing guard alongside of me, and my trusty leaklooking down upon me from the ceiling while I rest."
"You missed a wonderful sight," said Mollie. "That Rock of Gibraltar wasperfectly magnificent."
"I didn't miss it," said the Unwiseman. "I peeked at it through theport-hole and I quite agree with you. It is the cutest piece of rockI've seen in a long time. It seemed almost as big to me as the boulderin my back yard must seem to an ant, but I prefer my boulder just thesame. Gibrallyper's too big to do anything with and it spoils the view,whereas my boulder can be rolled around the place without any troubleand doesn't spoil anything. I suppose they keep it there to keep Spainfrom sliding down into the sea, so it's useful in a way, but after allI'm just as glad it's here instead of out on my lawn somewhere."
"What have you been doing all these days?" asked Mollie.
"O just keeping quiet," said the Unwiseman. "I've been reading up onChristopher Columbus and--er--writing a few poems about him. He was awonderful man, Columbus was. He proved the earth was round wheneverybody else thought it was flat--and how do you suppose he did it?"
"By sailin' around it," said Whistlebinkie.
"That was after he proved it," observed the Unwiseman, with the superiorair of one who knows more than somebody else. "He proved it by making anegg stand up on its hind legs."
"What?" cried Mollie.
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"I didn't know eggs had hind legs," said Whistlebinkie.
"Ever see a chicken?" asked the Unwiseman.
"Yes," said Whistlebinkie.
"Well, a chicken's only an advanced egg," said the Unwiseman.
"That's true," said Mollie.
"And chickens haven't got anything but hind legs, have they?" demandedthe old gentleman.
"Thass-a-fact," whistled Whistlebinkie.
"And Columbus proved it by making the egg stand up?" asked Mollie.
"That's what history tells us," said the Unwiseman. "All the Harvard andYale professors of the day said the earth was flat, but Columbus knewbetter, so he just took an egg and proved it. That's one of the thingsI've put in a poem. Want to hear it?"
"Indeed I do," said Mollie. "It must be interesting."
"It is--it's the longest poem I ever wrote," said the Unwiseman, andseeking out a retired nook on the steamer's deck the droll old fellowseated himself on a coil of rope and read the following poem to Mollieand Whistlebinkie.
COLUMBUS AND THE EGG.
"Columbus was a gentleman Who sailed the briny sea. He was a bright young Genoan In sunny Italy Who once discovered just the plan To find Amerikee."
"Splendid!" cried Mollie, clapping her hands with glee.
"Perfly-bully!" chortled Whistlebinkie, with a joyous squeak.
"I'm glad you like it," said the Unwiseman, with a smile of pleasure."But just you wait. The best part of it's to come yet."
And the old gentleman resumed his poem:
"He sought the wise-men of his time, And when the same were found, He went and whispered to them, 'I'm Convinced the Earth is round, Just like an orange or a lime-- I'll bet you half a pound!'
"Each wise-man then just shook his head-- Each one within his hat. 'Go to, Columbus, child,' they said. '_We_ know the Earth is flat. Go home, my son, and go to bed And don't talk stuff like that.'
"But Christopher could not be hushed By fellows such as they. His spirit never could be crushed In such an easy way, And with his heart and soul unsquushed He plunged into the fray."
"What's a fray?" asked Whistlebinkie.
"A fight, row, dispute, argyment," said the Unwiseman. "Don'tinterrupt. We're coming to the exciting part."
And he went on:
"'I'll prove the world is round,' said he 'For you next Tuesday night, If you will gather formally And listen to the right.' And all the wise-men did agree Because they loved a fight.
"And so the wise-men gathered there To hear Columbus talk, And some were white as to the hair And some could hardly walk, And one looked like a Polar Bear And one looked like an Auk."
"How-dju-know-that?" asked Whistlebinkie. "Does the history say allthat?"
"No," said the Unwiseman. "The history doesn't say anything about theirlooks, but there's a picture of the whole party in the book, and it wasjust as I say especially the Polar Bear and the Auk. Anyhow, they wereall there and the poem goes on to tell about it.
"Now when about the room they sat Columbus he came in; Took off his rubbers and his hat, Likewise his tarpaulin. He cleared his throat and stroked the cat And thuswise did begin."
"There wasn't any cat in the picture," explained the Unwiseman, "but Iintroduced him to get a rhyme for hat and sat. Sometimes you have to dothings like that in poetry and according to the rules if you have alicense you can do it."
"Have you got a license?" asked Whistlebinkie.
"Not to write poetry, but I've got a dog-license," said the Unwiseman,"and I guess if a man pays three dollars to keep a dog and doesn't keepthe dog he's got a right to use the license for something else. I'llrisk it anyhow. So just keep still and listen.
"'You see this egg?' Columbus led. 'Now watch me, sirs, I begs. I'll make it stand upon its head Or else upon its legs.' And instantly 'twas as he said As sure as eggs is eggs.
"For whether 'twas an Egg from school Or in a circus taught, Or whether it was just a cool Egg of unusual sort, That egg stood up just like a spool According to report."
"I bet he smashed in the end of it," said Whistlebinkie.
"Maybe it was a scrambled egg, maybe he stuck a pin in an end of it.Maybe he didn't. Anyhow, he made it stand up," said the Unwiseman, "andI wish you'd stop squeakyrupting when I'm reading."
"Go ahead," said Whistlebinkie meekly. "It's a perfly spulendid piece o'potery and I can't help showing my yadmiration for it."
"Well keep your yadmiration for the yend of it," retorted the Unwiseman."We'll be in New York before I get it finished at this rate."
Whistlebinkie promised not to squeak again and the Unwiseman resumed.
"'O wonderful!' the wise-men cried. 'O marvellous,' said they. And then Columbus up and tried The egg the other way, And still it stood up full of pride Or so the histories say.
"Again the wise-men cried aloud, 'O wizard, marvellous! Of all the scientific crowd This is the man for us-- O Christopher we're mighty proud Of you, you little cuss!'"
"That wasn't very polite," began Whistlebinkie.
"Now Squeaky," said the Unwiseman.
"'Scuse!" gasped Whistlebinkie.
And the Unwiseman went on:
"'For men who make an omlette We really do not care; To poach an egg already yet Is easy everywhere; But he who'll teach it etiquette-- He is a genius rare.
"'So if _you_ say the Earth is round We think it must be so. Your reasoning's so very sound, Columbus don't you know. Come wizard, take your half-a-pound Before you homeward go.'"
Whistlebinkie began to fidget again and his breath came in little shortsqueaks.
"But I don't see," he began. "It didn't prove----"
"Wait!" said the Unwiseman. "Don't you try to get in ahead of thefinish. Here's the last verse, and it covers your ground.
"And thus it was, O children dear, Who gather at my knee, Columbus showed the Earth the sphere It since has proved to be; Though how the Egg trick made it clear, I'm blest if I can see."
"Well I'm glad you put that last voyse in," said Whistlebinkie, "becauseI don't see either."
"Oh--I guess they thought a man who could train an egg to stand up was apretty smart man," said Mollie, "and they didn't want to dispute withhim."
"I shouldn't be surprised if that was it," said the Unwiseman. "Inoticed too in the picture that Columbus was about twice as big as anyof the wise-men, and maybe that had something to do with it too. Anyhow,he was pretty smart."
"Is that all you wrote?" asked Whistlebinkie.
"No," said the Unwiseman. "I did another little one called 'I Wonder.'There are a lot of things the histories don't tell you anything about,so I've put 'em all in a rhyme as a sort of hint to people who are goingto write about him in the future. It goes like this:
"When Christopher Columbus came ashore, The day he landed in Americor I wonder what he said when first he tried Down in the subway trains to take a ride?
"When Christopher Columbus went up town And looked the country over, up and down, I wonder what he thought when first his eye Was caught by the sky-scrapers in the sky?
"When Christopher put up at his hotel And first pushed in the button of his bell And upward came the boy who orders takes, I wonder if he ordered buckwheat cakes?
"When Christopher went down to Washington To pay his call the President upon I wonder if the President felt queer To know that his discoverer was here?
"I wonder when his slow-poke caravels Were tossed about by heavy winds and swells, If he was not put out and mad to spy The ocean steamers prancing swiftly by?"
"I don't know about other people," said the Unwiseman, "but littlethings like that always interest me about as much as anything else, butthere's nary a word about it in the papers, and as far as my memory isconcerned when he first came I was too young to know much about what wasgoing on. I do remember a big parade
in his honor, but I think that wassome years after the discovery."
"I guess it was," said Mollie, with a laugh. "There wasn't anything butIndians there when he arrived."
"Really? How unfortunate--how very unfortunate," said the Unwiseman. "Tothink that on the few occasions that he came here he should meet onlyIndians. Mercy! What a queer idea of the citizens of the United Stateshe must have got. Really, Mollie, I don't wonder that instead ofsettling down in New York, or Boston, or Chicago, he went back homeagain to live. Nothing but Indians! Well, well, well!"
And the Unwiseman wandered moodily back to his carpet-bag.
"With so many nice people living in America," he sighed, "it does seemtoo bad that he should meet only Indians who, while they may be verygood Indians indeed, are not noted for the quality of their manners."
And so the little party passed over the sea, and I did not meet withthem again until I reached the pier at New York and discovered theUnwiseman struggling with the Custom House Inspectors.