XIV.
AT THE CUSTOM HOUSE
"Hi there--where are you going with that carpet-bag?" cried a gruffvoice, as the Unwiseman scurried along the pier, eager to get back homeas speedily as possible after the arrival of the steamer at New York.
"Where do you suppose I'm going?" retorted the Unwiseman, pausing in hisquick-step march back to the waiting arms of his kitchen-stove. "Doesn'tlook as if I was walkin' off to sea again, does it?"
"Come back here with that bag," said the man of the gruff voice, a tallman with a shiny black moustache and a blue cap with gold trimmings onhis head.
"What, me?" demanded the Unwiseman.
"Yes, you," said the man roughly. "What business have you skipping outlike that with a carpet-bag as big as a house under your arm?"
"It's my bag--who's got a better right?" retorted the Unwiseman. "Ibought and paid for it with my own money, so why shouldn't I walk offwith it?"
"Has it been inspected?" demanded the official.
"It don't need to be--there ain't any germans in it," said theUnwiseman.
"Germans?" laughed the official.
"Yes--Mike robes--you know----" continued the Unwiseman.
"O, you mean germs," said the official. "Well, I didn't say disinfected.I said inspected. You can't lug a bag like that in through here withouthaving it examined, you know. What you got in it?"
THE UNWISEMAN LOOKED THE OFFICIAL COLDLY IN THE EYE]
The Unwiseman placed his bag on the floor of the pier and sat on it andlooked the other coldly in the eye.
"Who are you anyhow?" he asked. "What right have you to ask me suchimpident questions as, What have I got in this bag?"
"Well in private life my name's Maginnis," said the official, "but downhere on this dock I'm Uncle Sam, otherwise the United States of America,that's who."
The Unwiseman threw his head back and roared with laughter.
"I do not mean to be rude, my dear Mr. Maginnis," he said, "but I reallymust say Tutt, Tush, Pshaw and Pooh. I may even go so far as to sayPooh-pooh--which is twice as scornful as just plain pooh. _You_ UncleSam? You must think I'm as green as apples if you think I'll believethat."
"It is true nevertheless," said the official sternly, "and unless youhand over that bag at once----"
"Well I know better," said the Unwiseman angrily. "Uncle Sam has a redgoatee and you've got nothing but a shiny black moustache that lookslike a pair of comic eyebrows that have slipped and slid down over yournose. Uncle Sam wears a blue swallow-tail coat with brass buttons on it,and a pair of red and white striped trousers like a peppermint stick,and you've got nothin' but an old pea-jacket and blue flannel pants on,and as for the hat, Uncle Sam wears a yellow beaver with fur on it likea coon-cat, while that thing of yours looks like a last summer'syachtin' cap spruced up with brass. You're a very smart man, Mr.Maginnis, but you can't fool an old traveller like me. I've been toEurope, I have, and I guess I know the difference between a fire-engineand a clothes horse. Uncle Sam indeed!"
"I must inspect the contents of that bag," said the official firmly. "Ifyou resist it will be confiscated."
"I don't know what confiscated means," returned the Unwiseman valiantly,"but any man who goes through this bag of mine goes through me first.I'm sittin' on the lock, Mr. Maginnis, and I don't intend to move--no,not if you try to blast me away. A man's carpet-bag is his castle anddon't you forget it."
"What's the matter here?" demanded a policeman, who had overheard thelast part of this little quarrel.
"Nothing much," said the Unwiseman. "This gentleman here in themessenger boy's clothes says he's the President o' the United States,Congress, the Supreme Court, and the Army and Navy, all rolled into one,thinking that by so doing he can get hold of my carpet-bag. That's all.Anybody can see by lookin' at him that he ain't even the Department ofAgriculture. The United States Government! Really it makes me laugh."
Here the Unwiseman grinned broadly, and the Policeman and the officialjoined in.
"He's a new kind of a smuggler, officer," said Mr. Maginnis, "or atleast he acts like one. I caught him trotting off with that bag underhis arm, and he refuses to let me inspect it."
"I ain't a smuggler!" retorted the Unwiseman indignantly.
"You'll have to let him look through the bag, Mister," said thePoliceman. "He's a Custom House Inspector and nobody's allowed to takein baggage of any sort that hasn't been inspected."
"Is that the law?" asked the Unwiseman.
"Yep," said the Policeman.
"What's the idea of it?" demanded the Unwiseman.
"Well the United States Government makes people pay a tax on things thatare made on the other side," explained the Inspector. "That's the waythey make the money to pay the President's salary and the other runningexpenses of the Government."
"Oh--that's it, eh?" said the Unwiseman. "Well you'd ought to have toldme that in the beginning. I didn't know the Government needed money topay the President. I thought all it had to do was to print all itneeded. Of course if the President's got to go without his money unlessI help pay, I'll be only too glad to do all I can to make up the amountyou're short. He earns every penny of it, and it isn't fair to make himwait for it. About how much do you need to even it up? I've only gotfour dollars left and I'm afraid I'll have to use a little of it myself,but what's left over you're welcome to, only I'd like the President toknow I chipped in. How much does he get anyhow?"
"Seventy-five thousand dollars," said the Inspector.
"And there are 80,000,000 people in the country, ain't there?" asked theUnwiseman.
"About that?" said the Inspector.
"So that really my share comes to--say four and a quarter thousandths ofa cent--that it?" demanded the Unwiseman.
"Something like that," laughed the Inspector.
"Well then," said the Unwiseman, taking a copper coin from his pocket,"here's a cent. Can you change it?"
"We don't do business that way," said the Inspector impatiently. "Weexamine your baggage and tax that--that's all. If you refuse to let us,we confiscate the bag, and fine you anywhere from $100 to $5000. Nowwhat are you going to do?"
"What he says is true," said the Policeman, "and I'd advise you to savetrouble by opening up the bag."
"O well of course if _you_ say so I'll do it, but I think it's mightyfunny just the same," said the Unwiseman, rising from the carpet-bag andhanding it over to the Inspector. "In the first place it's not politefor an entire stranger to go snooping through a gentleman's carpet-bag.In the second place if the Secretary of the Treasury hasn't got enoughmoney on hand when pay-day comes around he ought to state the fact inthe newspapers so we citizens can hustle around and raise it for himinstead of being held up for it like a highwayman, and in the thirdplace it's very extravagant to employ a man like Mr. Maginnis here forthree dollars a week or whatever he gets, just to collect four and aquarter thousandths of a cent. I don't wonder there ain't any money inthe treasury if that's the way the Government does business."
So the inspection of the Unwiseman's carpet bag began. The first thingthe Inspector found upon opening that wonderful receptacle was "Frenchin Five Lessons."
"What's that?" he asked.
"That's a book," replied the Unwiseman. "It teaches you how to talkFrench in five easy lessons."
"What did you pay for it?" asked the Inspector.
"I didn't pay anything for it," said the Unwiseman. "I found it."
"What do you think it's worth?" queried the Inspector.
"Nothing," said the Unwiseman. "That is, all the French I got out of itcame to about that. It may have been first class looking French, butwhen I came to use it on French people they didn't seem to recognize it,and it had a habit of fading away and getting lost altogether, so as faras I'm concerned it ain't worth paying duty on. If you're going to taxme for that you can confisticate it and throw it at the first cat youwant to scare off your back-yard fence."
"What's this?" asked the Inspector, taking a small tin box out of theb
ag.
"Ginger-snaps, two bananas and an eclair," said the Unwiseman. "I shan'tpay any duty on them because I took 'em away with me when I left home."
"I don't know whether I can let them in duty-free or not," said theInspector, with a wink at the Policeman.
"Well I'll settle that in a minute," said the Unwiseman, and reachingout for the tin-box in less than two minutes he had eaten its contents."You can't tax what ain't, can you?" he asked.
"Of course not," said the Inspector.
"Well then those ginger-snaps ain't, and the bananas ain't and theeclair ain't, so there you are," said the Unwiseman triumphantly. "Go onwith your search, Uncle Sammy. You haven't got much towards thePresident's salary yet, have you!"
The Inspector scorned to reply, and after rummaging about in the bagfor a few moments, he produced a small box of macaroni.
"I guess we'll tax you on this," he said. "What is it?"
"Bait," said the Unwiseman.
"I call it macaroni," said the Inspector.
"You can call it what you please," said the Unwiseman. "I call itbait--and it's no good. I can dig better bait than all the macaroni inthe world in my back yard. I fish for fish and not for Eye-talians, so Idon't need that kind. If I can't keep it without paying taxes for it,confisticate it and eat it yourself. I only brought it home as asouvenir of Genoa anyhow."
"I don't want it," said the Inspector.
"Then give it to the policeman," said the Unwiseman. "I tell you rightnow I wouldn't pay five cents to keep a piece of macaroni nine mileslong. Be careful the way you handle that sailor suit of mine. I had itpressed in London and I want to keep the creases in the trousers justright the way the King wears his."
"Where did you buy them?" asked the Inspector, holding the duck trousersup in the air.
"Right here in this town before I stole on board the _Digestic_," saidthe Unwiseman.
"American made, are they?" asked the Inspector.
"Yes," said the Unwiseman. "You can tell that by lookin' at 'em. They'reregular canvas-back ducks with the maker's name stamped on the buttons."
Closer inspection of the garment proved the truth of the Unwiseman'sassertion and the Inspector proceeded.
"Didn't you make any purchases abroad?" he asked. "Clothes or jewels orsomething?"
"I didn't buy any clothes at all," said the Unwiseman. "I did ask theprice of a Duke's suit and a Knight gown, but I didn't buy either ofthem. You don't have to pay duty on a request for information, do you?"
"You are sure you didn't buy any?" repeated the Inspector.
"Quite sure," said the Unwiseman. "A slight misunderstanding with theKing combined with a difference of opinion with his tailor made itunnecessary for me to lay in a stock of royal raiment. And the samething prevented my buying any jewels. If I'd decided to go into theDuke business I probably should have bought a few diamond rings and ahalf a dozen tararas to wear when I took breakfast with the roil family,but I gave that all up when I made up my mind to remain a farmer.Tararas and diamond rings kind of get in your way when you're pullingweeds and planting beets, so why should I buy them?"
"How about other things?" asked the Inspector. "You say you've beenabroad all summer and haven't bought anything?"
"I didn't say anything of the sort," said the Unwiseman. "I bought a lotof things. In London I bought a ride in a hansom cab, in Paris I boughta ride in a one horse fakir, and in Venice I bought a ride in aGandyola. I bought a large number of tarts and plates of ice cream invarious places. I bought a couple of souvenir postal cards to send toColumbus's little boy. In Switzerland I didn't buy anything because thethings I wanted weren't for sale such as pet shammys and Alps andGlaziers and things like that. There's only two things that I canremember that maybe ought to be taxed. One of 'em's an air gun to shootalps with and the others a big alpen-stock engraved with a red hot ironshowing what mountains I didn't climb. The Alpen-stock I used as a fishpole in Venice and lost it because my hook got stuck in an artist'sstraw hat, but the air gun I brought home with me. You can tax it if youwant to, but I warn you if you do I'll give it to you and then you'llhave to pay the tax yourself."
Having delivered himself of this long harangue, the Unwiseman, quite outof breath, sat down on Mollie's trunk and waited for new developments.The Inspector apparently did not hear him, or if he did paid noattention. The chances are that the Unwiseman's words never reached hisears, for to tell the truth his head was hidden way down deep in thecarpet-bag. It was all of three minutes before he spoke, and then withhis face all red with the work he drew his head from the bag and,gasping for air observed, wonderingly:
"I can't find anything else but a lot of old bottles in there. Whatbusiness are you in anyhow?" he asked. "Bottles and rags?"
"I am a collector," said the Unwiseman, with a great deal of dignity.
"Well--after all I guess we'll have to let you in free," said theInspector, closing the bag with a snap and scribbling a little mark onit with a piece of chalk to show that it had been examined. "TheGovernment hasn't put any tax on old bottles and junk generally soyou're all right. If all importers were like you the United States wouldhave to go out of business."
"Junk indeed!" cried the Unwiseman, jumping up wrathfully. "If you callmy bottles junk I'd like to know what you'd say to the British Museum.That's a scrap heap, alongside of this collection of mine, and I don'twant you to forget it!"
And gathering his belongings together the Unwiseman in high dudgeonwalked off the pier while the Inspector and the Policeman watched him gowith smiles on their faces so broad that if they'd been half an inchbroader they would have met behind their necks and cut their heads off.
"I never was so insulted in my life," said the Unwiseman, as he toldMollie about it in the carriage going up to the train that was to takethem back home. "He called that magnificent collection of mine junk."
"What was there in it?" asked Mollie.
"Wait until we get home and I'll show you," said the Unwiseman. "It'sthe finest collection of--well just wait and see. I'm going to start aMuseum up in my house that will make that British Museum look likecinder in a giant's eye. How did you get through the Custom House?"
"Very nicely," said Mollie. "The man wanted me to pay duty onWhistlebinkie at first, because he thought he was made in Germany, butwhen he heard him squeak he let him in free."
"I should think so," said the Unwiseman. "There's no German in hissqueak. He couldn't get a medium sized German word through his hat. Ifhe could I think he'd drive me crazy. Just open the window will youwhile I send this wireless message to the President."
"To the President?" cried Mollie.
"Yes--I want him to know I'm home in the first place, and in the secondplace I want to tell him that the next time he wants to collect hissalary from me, I'll take it as a personal favor if he'll come himselfand not send Uncle Sam Maginnis after it. I can stand a good deal for mycountry's sake but when a Custom House inspector prys into my privateaffairs and then calls them junk just because the President needs a fourand a quarter thousandth of a cent, it makes me very, very angry. It'sbeen as much as I could do to keep from saying 'Thunder' ever since Ilanded, and that ain't the way an American citizen ought to feel when hecomes back to his own beautiful land again after three months' absence.It's like celebrating a wanderer's return by hitting him in the facewith a boot-jack, and I don't like it."
The window was opened and with much deliberation the Unwisemandespatched his message to the President, announcing his return andprotesting against the tyrannous behavior of Mr. Maginnis, the CustomHouse Inspector, after which the little party continued on their wayuntil they reached their native town. Here they separated, Mollie andWhistlebinkie going to their home and the Unwiseman to the queer littlehouse that he had left in charge of the burglar at the beginning of thesummer.
"If I ever go abroad again," said the Unwiseman at parting, "which Inever ain't going to do, I'll bring a big Bengal tiger back in my bagthat ain't been fed for seven weeks, and then we'
ll have some fun whenMaginnis opens the bag!"