Chapter 12
Realisation
“I hope not.” His light laugh had me sigh. “You have light inside you that makes me both drawn to you and protective of you.”
I bit my lip. Wasn’t what I was expecting. Him, to be so honest. Was he able to read all my questions, every emotion I was having? I watched him; the foot apart that we sat, I felt the pull within my body. I wanted to sit closer, to hold him. That was just plain weird. How could I possibly do that? I shouldn’t make the first move.
“You shouldn’t Kerr …” Melody’s voice repeated in my head. “It’s not how nice girl’s act …”
Ethan reached towards me, touching my temple. “She is always on the edge of your thoughts,” he said, distracting me. “I sometimes get confused with what you’re thinking. What she says is what you say.”
Sorry.
“Don’t be. The truth is; she’s just an idea. She isn’t here.”
Does this make me crazy?
His laugh didn’t help. “You’re not crazy. You’re hurting for your lost friendship and your lost voice. You’ve created her to help you cope with all that’s happened. And maybe to aid where no one else can. But it’s your thoughts that tell you what you need. What you are.”
I can’t lose her. A pain festered in me, thinking he’d make me choose.
“I wouldn’t do that. She’s with you. And she’s right.”
About what.
“This.” He reached towards me, unexpected as it was; I wanted it so much. His hand slipped into mine, locking our fingers together. “Better?”
Uh-Huh. I was dazed. A smile spread his lips. Will you talk to me at school?
“Depends.”
On what.
“What do you want to talk about.”
Well, I don’t know. Pausing, I dropped my gaze to his hand. Is this what you want?
“I would like to.” He dipped his head. “You’re the first girl I’ve liked. I don’t date.”
Because your family doesn’t want you to.
“Something like that. Mostly. It’s me. I’m not someone that should be dated.”
Why not.
He lowered his gaze and his hand went limp in mine.
Had he changed his mind instantly? This was a bad idea, wasn’t it? I shouldn’t be fooled into thinking he liked me. What could he possibly find likeable about me?
“Your eyes,” he said. “Your eyes are so likeable, more than likeable.”
Do you hear everything I think?
“Most times it’s in images. Sometimes you’re more directed in your thoughts and they appear in voice to me. I can hear your words clearly, as if your voice still worked. When you’re upset, or confused your voice is loud, almost impossible to hear because you use images to show your emotions. Times like now … you’re thinking, casually. Small unsure thoughts that rise to the surface. I shouldn’t push you. I shouldn’t be encouraging this. It’s wrong in so many ways. But I can’t stop now. I feel different knowing you know and now here.” His eyes scanned the woods. “I want to tell you my secret, but I feel if I do, it would be worse.”
Hmm. That wouldn’t change how I feel.
“Maybe not straight away. But eventually it will.”
I sighed heavy, staring at our hands locked together. His skin was chilled, smooth and flawless as I stared at it. Silence lingered, the kind I was used to, but maybe he wasn’t.
Was I supposed to talk all the time now?
His head shook to my question. “You do as you have.” His voice was gentle.
I wanted to know him, didn’t I? How could I ask him about himself if he was afraid to tell me who, or rather, what he was? My mind flashed to the book he’d lent me, and the passages seeped into my mind as if I’d memorised them. I didn’t want to go down that road; I didn’t want to think along those lines of possibility. This had nothing to do with that book, or even Spirit. I spied the woods and wondered if he’d show up when a small laugh came to Ethan’s lips.
What.
“I’m not sure. But you do think the strangest things.”
Er … well, I don’t mean to. I shifted unsure what was to happen. I liked him; we’d established that. But still. It was almost an awkward moment.
“Don’t feel strange. I don’t want to hurt you.”
Um. Why would you say that? This isn’t something I know about. I’ve not dated other boys.
“You haven’t.”
No. And I’m still confused with what I can think about.
“I don’t want you to feel that way. Your thoughts are yours. Not for me to intervene on. When you direct it towards me, sometimes it’s a glimmer of your emotions, fears, hopes, dreams, but mostly it’s when you think the words towards me that I pick up on them. Marcus and Erika don’t understand because you seem to block them, which isn’t a done thing with humans?”
There’s that word again. Why are you saying that? What are you?
“I can tell you what I’m not.”
And we established that. You’re not human. You said you’re not a super hero, but you … I paused in my thoughts. The last two weeks flashed in segments in my mind. Ethan, sitting at my table for an entire week, and he didn’t eat a single thing. Then, when he got into the fight with Brant, he bit his lip. Why would you bite your lip?
“To blend in,” he said, darting his eyes to the tree line. “And no, I don’t eat.”
This was odd, not that I was expecting anything less from him. But still it was nice he was answering me. As I plucked images from my memory, he nodded and creased his brow.
“You’re so close to answering it. So close, I’m surprised no one has noticed as much as you.”
Noticed what.
“The truth to my life. And you have the answer, you’ve thought it a few times now, but you’re afraid to answer it.” Ethan shifted his hand from mine, this time he cradled my face in his palms. “You’re afraid that if it’s true, you’ll feel torn between the logic of what’s normal and not normal. You’ll fear me, and that scares you because you can’t feel scared. That’s why you begged for the wolf to kill you. You wanted to feel something other than nothing.”
How do you know about Spirit? Stupid question.
He’d know about anything I thought about. If he knew about the wolf, shouldn’t he be concerned. And if he was indicating to what I think he was, then I was definitely taking a leap of faith. This wasn’t Hollywood; this wasn’t even a riddle that needed solving. Did it need to be answered? Should it be heard out loud? I swallowed hard. Ethan tilted my chin towards him.
“I don’t want to frighten you. I don’t want to hurt you. But if this, what you discover in the next few moments; if it’s too much. I won’t push. I’ll leave and you’ll never have to see me again.”
What. No. I don’t want you to leave. I can’t lose you too. I can’t. A burning pain festered in my chest, the kind I’d felt before and didn’t want to suffer. I didn’t want to lose him. I’ll pretend that whatever it is isn’t there at all.
“It’s always there. It’s a part of my life. I’m a fool to bring you into it. To think you could be a part of it.”
And you’re a fool to think I can’t accept it. Because I will. I will accept whatever you are. You could be a toad, a strange man with odd spots and I’d still be able to accept it.
“You don’t know that. Not until you know.”
So why are you telling me now. You could have pretended to not tell me or to not bother.
“You want me to talk to you. If that is all, then so be it.” He slipped his hand from my face and into his lap.
Was he saying that this was it?
That this was all I’d get. Him to talk to. I thought he liked me. I thought he wanted me as something … more.
“I do. I do. I just …” He paused, his lips pressed together. “I’ve never been so frustrated until this moment.” He stood swiftly, faster than I expected, and it startled me. “I want to be honest. I just don’t know where to start.” He walke
d several paces to the tree line.
Usually at the beginning helps.
“At the beginning.” A wry smile played his lips as a hushed laugh escaped. “It was such a long time ago. So many years have passed since my beginning.”
Years? I wasn’t surprised that he’d be older. He looked older, older than seventeen … nineteen maybe.
He nodded, pressing his forefinger to his temple.
Oh no, I’ve given him a headache, damn it.
“No Kera. You haven’t. You can’t actually give me a headache. I can’t feel pain. Least not physical pain; aches and such.”
But you can feel emotional pain. I swallowed hard.
“Most times it’s limited, only when it’s—” His head snapped to the side at the sound of a howl.
That’s just Spirit; I said a little bothered he’d show up now.
Ethan flashed to my side lifting me to my feet instantly.
Whoa! What the—
“I need you to trust me. I need you to go.”
What. Why. And no. I pulled from him.
He was agitated, scanning the woods for the sixth of a second, before he pulled me along the path.
“Please Kera. Some thing’s not right. I need you to leave.”
But. I … it’s just the wolf.
“It’s not your wolf. Trust me.” His eyes held with mine and I knew he was right. That howl was deeper or higher in a way that Spirit never howled like that. “Go home. I’ll meet you there soon.”
I turned and headed along the path, but paused. I wanted to ask why he didn’t come with me. Glancing over my shoulder to see he was gone. I swallowed hard as another howl broke the mid morning twitter of bird life, which was followed by another. There were four howling wolves out there now. I hope Spirit is okay, his howl was the third to be heard. Picking up my pace, I was yards from the rickety bridge when the rustle of leaves told me he was here.
I turned towards him. Tahhh! I gasped in shock.
This wasn’t Spirit.
This wasn’t my grey wolf standing before me. It was black and brown, tattered with mud and bracken. Its head was dotted with black spots as to its back and tail. I paced backwards with fear. The spotted wolf held a deep look of hunger; its yellow eyes glowed as it pawed the ground with a growl.
Oh, no. You’re not the one I want. I hissed. Go! Go away.
The wolf grizzled a warning and fear crept in. Okay. I can do this. Sure. Kill me.
I squinted, hoping it would soften and lay down or run away. It barked and jutted towards me. Saliva dripped from its fangs as it fayed a leap. I turned to run when another wolf came towards me. Two of them, and they were not the friendly kind either. Growls with teeth visible, their ears flattened as they advanced towards me. I inched backwards. I was heading to the small incline, which I knew dropped away behind me by a good fifteen feet. I knew, because I’d almost fallen in once. Sharp rocks were at the bottom with sticks and all kinds of death traps waiting for me to fall into it. The growl of the wolves didn’t stop as my foot slipped on the edge.
Ethan! I screamed.
From the left came two wolves, a brown and a white. Spirit’s pack. They leaped. In a tumble and fray of dirt, snaps, and growls, they rolled yards from me. I backed up in panic as the wolves yelped in pain. They rolled and broke a part to size each other. Circling and pacing; Spirits Pack kept me to their back, the spotted wolves grizzled with anger; faying attacks as another joined this fight.
Spirit.
He leaped, tackling the first spotted-wolf. His maw latched on and blood spilled from the beast. But what happened next chilled me without words. The spotted-wolf turned into something completely unexpected and impossible.
A man.
Broken, bleeding and dyeing by the fangs of Spirit and the brown-wolf. My breath caught at the sight before me, I was frozen and unable to move. Spirit turned to me. His eyes locked with mine and my foot slipped down the hillside.
Gauhh!
The blur of sand was a millisecond of time before I could blink, and the realisation that something solid had a hold of me. Something cold, human hands.
Ethan?
He was poised on the edge with little effort or strain as he held me; dangling from my death, I swallowed at the sight of him.
“I got you,” he whispered.
The sound of killing was soon replaced by silence and two wolves poked their head’s over the side. I gulped at the sight. The white and the brown wolf shook their heads and whined to Ethan.
Where’s Spirit? I asked.
A smile played on Ethan’s lips as he pulled me towards him. Once on safe ground he brushed my face, checking I was okay. Everything moved so fast. I’d seen Spirit. I’d seen him bite one of the wolves. He’d turned towards me, just as I’d fallen. But it was Ethan who caught me, like my dream on the cliff top. I’d fallen and Spirit leaped towards me, but it was Ethan who reached out to me..
But that was just a dream. Wasn’t it?
“No Kera. That was real.” Ethan’s voice was heavy with truth.
It all clicked into place. He said he wasn’t human, he said he didn’t get involved with humans—because he … he wasn’t human.
You’re a wolf?
He nodded, watching me.
“Give us a moment,” he said smoothly.
I dipped my head and turned when his hand held mine.
“I was talking to them. They can clean up.”
A choked laugh came from the brown wolf as Ethan turned me away from the scene.
Who are they? You? Them?
I wanted to go on with the list of unknowns when the wolves before me, turned into—Marcus and Erika. I blinked in shock. It was so sudden, so simple. His family stood before me, fully clothed without a hint of the attack. Spirit’s Pack were human.
I glanced to the victim, not a spotted wolf, but a man. I stared at the mess; the blood was fading, disappearing. He opened his eyes and glared at the four of us, without warning; he rolled to his feet and took off through the woods with his friend joining him.
My thoughts tumbled, twisted, and shifted with impossible possibilities. The string was pulled. The pieces were slotting into place. He wasn’t a superhero because superheroes don’t turn into wolves. But he was … Spirit. He was … older … so many years have passed since my beginning. I don’t eat. To blend in, to be normal. To be a part of life, just like the vampire kin.
What are you?
“I’m a Dundine.”