***
Standing in line of the cafeteria, I blocked out the mingling students and constant chatter. Hollow came to mind as the full length windows showed the garden space of extra tables outside. In here, the roof was dotted with several fans spinning on a low hum, casting limited heat around the brown room. If it wasn’t for the lack of colour in this room, I could say it was as uplifting as my fog.
Two girls were peeking behind me, blushing, and whispering to each other to turn around just as quickly with giggles of excitement. I risked shifting my eyes, glancing through my curls to their cause of gossip. Ethan was in line. Flawlessly with all who were getting sodas, chips, and snacks for the forty minute break. He didn’t show interest in the two girls, he did take notice of me though. With five hundred students staring at him, he stared at no one but—perhaps the way a wolf would a lamb—eager to take a bite, but it wasn’t just that. Ethan held a presence about him. Handsome, nicely dressed in grey, a secret smile played across his lips as he lazily scanned the gawking students to linger on me again. I had to look away. The girls giggled to themselves with hushed words on his looks, I had to agree. He was cute, striking for a teen who was new to these parts. The black of his hair was rustic in this brown room; his eyes were deep green. Sure, alluring as he was, boyish and as I knew, perfectly beautiful, but I wasn’t about to giggle myself senseless—in public.
I turned my attention to the moving line. Since I couldn’t talk to the cafeteria lady, I stared blankly at her. She smiled politely as she handed over the ham sandwich and bottle of water, it was what I had ordered the first day and hadn’t thought to change it. Maybe I should see if I could have cheese added and a pinch of salt with tomato. But no, I didn’t speak and I never thought to write a note. With my food in hand, I turned to the rows of tables.
The A-Team were to the right wall, several tables away from the food line, with the B-Team seated left of them, and the other group of girls that were tolerated by the A-Team who didn’t actually associate with them, were to their right, with the rest of the students jumbled around the lunchroom. I headed to lonely table by the backdoor, which had a perfect view of the garden outside.
This table was the simplest of tables. Where eyes could stare, but not be interested by who was sitting there. Our table.
I could imagine her beside me, smiling away with a book of notes she filled with riddles, and found any excuse to write quirky words, phrases and love letters she planned to give to Peter. We had scribbled our names on the chipped paint two years ago, and the words had been decorated over time, untouched for three months now. I was hesitant to touch it, afraid it’d fall away completely. It was our words of friendship forever stained to live on long after I graduate. It was the one place we were left to be who we were. Best friends. Up until three months ago. Now the seat beside me was bare, the sound of her annoyance at the hot dog she’d bought or the disappointment in the soda not being as cold as it should. She would never complain again, whine or even try and argue; and I would never hear her. My lonely table was the one place I had left of her. It faced the garden, giving me something else to take my attention. I picked at my sandwich, lost in thought with today’s events. Ethan may have taken her memory from the class, but he didn’t get this. By now he would have made friends, the B-Team would have tested him on character, or whatever it is boys do to get to know each other. Maybe Valerie, the queen of the A-Team had her claws in him. And poor Ethan would be lost to her deranged seductions, since everyone knew that Valerie wasn’t a virgin since ninth grade.
I held too much anger towards him, since English class I had tried to pay as little attention to him because he stole her seat in all the classes, and her memory. Part of me could hear Melody’s voice. “You can’t hold it against him Kerr. He’s new.” She would have understood.
I couldn’t hate him. It wasn’t his fault She wasn’t here and I was. To think of that day in my mind was empty. Shadows stirred if I focused for too long, shadows that played on my emotions, and always made me cry for no reason other than—Melody was gone. No images, no words, no thought as to how or why. That day was blank. It was the day before I could remember, school, talking to people, telling jokes; even what show we watched in the afternoon and what we had for dinner, all of it was there, until I fell asleep at Mel’s house. I knew we’d planned to go for a bush walk in the dense woods by my house; she loved the outdoors and found any excuse to do just that—walk. But did we go for a walk? Did we make that journey and take the steps to my house? Was it then that she’d died while we were bush walking. No. They said she died in the river, and the bridge was where we had last been seen heading towards at night, not in the daylight.
A shadow loomed beside me and I realised why.
Someone sat in Melody’s seat.
My memories were completely destroyed of her sitting there; and part of me could see her folding her arms in disgust. I froze in my position, afraid to make a move and hoped who ever it was took me as part of the table and left me alone.
But they didn’t.
Peeking through my veil of hair to see Ethan dip his head as he relaxed more in her seat. While the table was large enough for six other people, he’d choose to seat himself opposite me—in her seat—again. He glanced to the ogling eyes around the room. Shocked as I was, Ethan shook his head with a slight huh and turned to stare out the window and at the same tree roots that fascinated me.
“Maybe he can’t speak either,” said someone two tables over.
“Bet he’s damaged goods,” hissed another. “Why else would he choose to sit with her?”
“Maybe him and Mute Kera can chat endlessly,” another joked.
Stunned. That’s what I was. He’d taken my memories of her from my classes and he’d now stained it by sitting at the same table. The low hanging lights flickered around the lunchroom.
What is your deal? I wanted to say. You shouldn’t be here. This is my table! You already took her seat in every class we had. You can’t keep doing this to me. The lights flickered at a higher rate, making the others look around warily. What was up with the lights today? Might be the wind, I puzzled and focused on my main reason for glaring at him—in her seat. You shouldn’t be here.
His eyes shifted and locked with mine, and the lights suddenly stopped. His jaw clenched and a look festered for a fleeting second. Was it pleading?
Several ticks of time passed before I realised I was staring at him for an answer, and hated I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t even yell, let alone groan a sound of annoyance. Taking in his features, it was the first look of worry I’d seen on him all day, considering he didn’t show it at all when surrounded by everyone else. Here, in this moment, it was clear. The lights flickered, and he gazed to the flashing bulb with a puzzled expression to scan the room, and settling his green eyes on me. A deep stare of understanding touched his eyes. The lights stopped, the high buzzing flickered once more, a lost heartbeat maybe.
My thoughts from earlier simmered and bubbled with a degree of annoyance, aware of everyone in the lunchroom pointing and mumbling comments I wish never to be a part of. It’s only because they were watching Ethan, and couldn’t understand why he—the hottest and most talked about new guy since… years ago, was here. At my table. I couldn’t answer them, wasn’t as if we’d spoken.
I glared at them, they returned the gaze for a time; slowly they shifted their eyes away, nervously relocating themselves, so that none met my gaze. Pleased with my power I had gained in the three months since, no one looked at me. No one would ever look into my eyes for any length of time. The fear and sadness that lingered there, was too much for them to bear, but not the new student.
He stared into my eyes, longer than any other person I knew… or had known. Even Elizabeth refused to take in my gaze for a length longer than needed.
Was that understanding he was showing, acceptance?
If you’re going to ruin my time here, I might as well get use to it. I sighed heavy. An
d with a degree of effort on my part—I smiled.
It was strange, feeling the pull of my lips, lifeless and unused; shifting to an upturn as my mouth crinkled for a fraction. I was hoping he took it as acknowledgement; that I accepted him here, in Melody’s seat. It was painful to smile. Sure, he’s cute, but that wasn’t something to smile about and maybe I was doing it wrong after all this time, least for a moment I thought that.
He returned the smile briefly in a sweet tilt of his head before turning his attention to the garden.
Why butterflies fluttered in my stomach, I’ll never know.