PLUM BRANCH WEDDING
Lod and Lum sat on the unpainted front porch and watched as Maude pulled a bucket of water from the well. She struggled up the dusty path to the house with the bucket.
"Wouldn't be so heavy if you'd just pour some of that water out," called Lod. "Two light trips is easier that one heavy trip."
Maude gave Lod a look that would have shriveled the devil's scrotum sack. "You lazy, good-for-nothing fool. You ain't never made more'n twenty cents a day doing nothing. And then you drunk it all up before you got home with it."
"Now, you know that ain't true, woman. There's been plenty of times I made more than that."
"Well, if you cain't help me none, don't come rooting around on my side of the bed tonight. I'm closed for business."
Lum took a nip off the pint of shine and passed it over to Lod. Lod took a nip and said, "Ain't much left. We got to do something soon."
Lum finished sharpening his pocket knife on an old worn out whetstone. He put the stone in his pocket and pulled off one dusty boot, then the other. His socks were filthy and had worn out long ago. He pulled his foot up into his lap and began carving off his long dirty toenails. "This is a good'n," he said as he held up a solid clipping from his big toe. He wiped the toenail off on his shirt tail and laid it to the side. Lod watched as the ritual unfolded. Lum finally finished the job and put the knife back in his pocket. He leaned back and began picking his teeth with the toenail.
Lod had almost dozed off when he felt Lum shaking him. "Look Lod, there's a wagon coming up the road." Lod sat up and took a look. He could see a cloud of dust rising behind a one horse wagon with two people in it.
"Wonder who the hell that is?"
"Don't know, but I'll be finding out," said Lod. He stretched, then got up and walked down to the end of the porch. He unzipped his fly and felt around inside for a minute. He whistled, then called, "Come here, Sparkle, come here girl." A little Fiste dog ran out from underneath the porch looking for a treat. Instead, Lod let loose with a stream of piss and caught Sparkle in the right eye. She ran back under the porch growling and yelping. Lod finished up and tucked himself away.
Lum laughed. "Ol' Sparkle won't never learn, will she?"
The wagon was getting closer and closer to the house. The old mule was just plodding along with no sense of urgency. The two men walked down off the porch and out to the road. As the wagon and mule got closer, Lod held up his hand for them to stop. "Where you two fine young folks off to today?" he asked.
"Well, sir. We are on our way to McCormick," said the young man driving the wagon. The girl giggled and looked down.
"What're you going to do over there?" asked Lod.
"We're aiming to get married, Mr. Lod."
"You Rufus's Booth's boy, ain't you?"
"Yessir. He's my daddy."
"You know there ain't no need to go all the way to McCormick to get married. You can do it right here in Plum Branch."
"I don't know of no preacher man around here that might marry us," said young Booth.
"I'll be glad to do it myself," said Lod. "You know over in McCormick it costs five dollars for a license."
The young couple looked at each other in shock. "Why, we ain't got no five dollars, Mr. Lod."
"How much you got?" asked Lod.
The young man dug around in his pockets and came out with two wadded up one dollar bills. "This is all we got, sir."
"I guess I can do it for you for two dollars," said Lod.
"Well sir, that would be awful nice of you."
"Hop down off that wagon and go over there to the porch," Lod told the couple. Then he said, " Lum, go over there in Maude's garden and pick a couple of them carnation milk flowers for the bride."
Lum wobbled over to the garden and Lod went in the house. A minute later he came out and stood on the porch. "Step up here on the top step, he said." The bride held two carnation flowers in her hand. The couple stood there smiling eagerly.
Lod opened the book to page 84 and said. "Let him and her who want to be joined together in holy matrimony and cleave unto each other, take each others hand. Then look each other in the eye and repeat after me. "I, Mr. Booth and I Miss. Sooet do take each other as a man and a woman ought to. And we will live together under the watchful eye of the Lord forever and forever."
The couple repeated the vows and Lod said, "Now I pronounce you man and woman. You can kiss the woman now, Mr. Booth."
The couple leaned in and kissed each other. Lod closed the book and placed it on the porch rail. He pulled out a pencil and a pocket knife. He sharpened the point, licked it with his tongue, and began to write in a Blue Horse notebook.
This here paper certifies that Mr. Booth and Miss Sooet are cleaved unto each other as a man and a woman ought to be and they have been joined together under the watchful eyes of the Lord. So help me God, Signed, Mr. Lod. March 10, 1922.
"Now make your marks here," he instructed the young couple. Mr. Booth made a little scribbling mark and Miss Sooet made a tiny x.
Lod ripped the paper out and handed it to Mr. Booth. Mr. Booth gave him the two dollars and smiling broadly the young couple went back to the wagon and turned around to head home.
Lod called out, "Now work that thing good and proper tonight or there won't be no chaps."
Maude picked up the Sears and Roebuck catalog and Blue Horse notebook and took them back inside. "I swear for' ever loving God, you will be struck down by lightning for this, Lod."
"Maybe so," Lod said. "But I done done enough work for one day." He walked to the end of the porch and called out, "Herman. Git the mule and go over to Fat's house and git me four pints of likker. Here's two dollars. And git back here in a hurry. We're about to run out."
Return to Table of Contents