I gasp.
“You all right?” Cole kneels beside me, inspecting my neck. “I didn’t think we’d make it in time.”
I search for his hand, and when his fingers interlace with mine, I squeeze it as hard as I possibly can. “But you did make it.” My limbs tingle as the feeling returns to them. My vision clears, and Cole’s eyes catch mine. His forehead creases with concern as he strokes my fingers with shaky hands. I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy to be alive in the Hole.
“I was in the building across the street, dealing with the incident, when suddenly Zeus took off out the door, across the road, and into the hospital. I didn’t even ask permission to leave, just turned and sprinted after him. If anything would’ve happened to you, I’d never be able to forgive myself.”
“But you got here, and we’re fine.”
“Speak for yourself,” Alyssa wheezes out.
“Crap, your morphine… We have to get it running again.” Zeus licks my face as I push myself into a sitting position. After surviving that ordeal, the fog lifts and new worries come to mind. Alyssa looks exhausted; a sheen of sweat glistens on her forehead and the circles under her eyes darken even more.
“I already paged Sutton. He’s on his way,” Cole says. “Who broke the window?”
“I did,” I say, slightly defensive. “And it worked.”
“What do you mean?” Cole and Alyssa ask in unison.
“I was hoping Zeus would hear it and figure out something wasn’t right.” Their mouths fall open. “What? You didn’t realize you have the greatest dog ever to walk this earth?” I adjust the pillow behind Alyssa’s head and kiss her forehead while imagining the danger she was in.
“He’s the only dog you know.” Alyssa attempts a chuckle.
“That’s not the point. He saved our lives and that makes him the best.” I sit next to her on the bed and take her hand in my own.
“Wow.” Cole shakes his head and smiles.
“What?” I ask.
“That was brilliant. And it explains the broken chair outside the entrance.”
“I wouldn’t say that.” I look down at Alyssa, not wanting to meet his eyes.
“No, seriously, it was,” Alyssa says. “I never would’ve known to do that.”
The rest of the night was uneventful. Sutton fixed the morphine bag and then examined my injuries, which consist of a lot of deep bruises. Cole didn’t leave the room, not even for a second, and Alyssa slept. When my adrenaline wore off, I was spent. I lay down and pulled the blanket over my head.
“Sweet dreams,” Cole says.
“Let’s hope. Good night.” I snuggle into the cot as much as possible.
Darkness. My bed is large, fluffy, and envelops me in its warmth. Fear courses through my being. Fingernails dig into my palms, and eyes are alert as he raises my blanket.
“Lexi,” he whispers as he crawls in. He wraps his arms around me and sighs, but I’m frigid. “You looked especially beautiful today. Tomorrow I want you to wear the new, turquoise gown I bought to match your eyes.” I don’t answer. I know I can’t refuse. His hands trace from my elbows to my fingers. “Relax. I just want to be close to you.” His lips whisper in my ear and his body curls against mine.
“Okay,” I reply, but terror surges through me.
“Call me Daddy. I’ve been here for you when your father hasn’t.” The S in his words hiss like a snake.
“Okay—Daddy.” I gulp for air. I’m suffocating. The siren blares in the background.
“Are you awake?” My eyes open to Cole’s face peering over me. His full lips inches from mine.
“Well, I am now.” I push upward and he steps back. He wears the stiff black uniform of the guards on patrol and has his guns strapped on.
“Are you leaving?” I ask.
“After you fell asleep, I received orders for a special op. I don’t have a choice on this one.” His voice hardens as he steps away. “I’m not sure when I’ll be back. Maybe later today or tomorrow evening.”
“What about Zeus?”
“Sorry, he has to come with me.”
“I thought you—”
“Try not to worry. I’ve got it all worked out. Sutton’s going to stay with you tonight and you should be safe during the day with all these people around. No matter what try to stay here with Alyssa. If you need something, have another nurse or aid get it for you. If for any reason Sutton has to leave the floor, he’s going to take you with him. Do you understand?”
“Yes. I’ll do whatever you tell me.” I stand up and face him with my hair undone and clothes all rumpled. I can see the struggle he’s having reflected on his face for a brief moment before he clenches his jaw.
“Take care of her,” he says as he waves toward Alyssa and turns on his heels to go.
“Be careful,” I blurt.
He doesn’t turn around, just leashes Zeus. “I always am.” His boots echo in the hallway on the way out.
Everything within me desires to run and hug him good-bye, but my head spins like a turnstile. I worry for him. I worry for Alyssa. She worsened overnight. All of her energy was sapped from her body after the incident with the drug addict. So much to think about.
She moves under the sheets, so I step closer. Her eyes are glassy and sunken in, her mouth so dry she can’t speak. I pour some water in her cup, since I don’t have any ice chips and reposition the straw so her mouth can reach it. I lift the straw to her lips, but she clamps her mouth refusing to drink. Her lips are dry and cracking, so I put some Vaseline on my finger and gently rub it on and around her mouth.
Sutton joins me at her bedside. His eyes scan over her before checking her vitals. His mouth seals into a grim line and he gently pats Alyssa’s head.
“It’s going to be soon. She’s starting to mottle.” He lifts the sheet off her feet.
“You have to get her socks. Her feet are purple.”
“It’s called mottling. It’s when the blood vessels start to shut off at the extremities to try to keep the blood circulating to the heart and lungs. It’s a normal process. We were made to fight till the end.”
I try to swallow the lump in my throat, but I’m unable to push it down. It comes out as a hiccup before the tears reach my eyes.
Sutton puts his hand on my back and rubs in circles. “She’s comfortable though. I can assure you of that.” He sits next to me. I rest my head on his shoulder and he takes my hand. We hold hands, and celebrate the life of a girl so special that she changed our lives.
“Alyssa is very dear to my heart and I will miss her.” Sutton’s voice cracks a little. “I wish I could save her, and, Alyssa, if you can hear me, I am so sorry I failed you.” I sniffle as he says those last words. “I remember one time I fell asleep in her chair and she threw a cup of water on me to wake me up.” Sutton and I laugh, but then he grows serious again. “The virus beat her down and she withdrew for a while… until she met you. Lexi, she lights up when you’re around her. I never saw her so happy. Honestly. Thank you.”
I wipe the salty tear gliding over my lip and hiccup again. He laughs. “The truth is she helps me more than I help her. I truly love that girl.” I have to stop to keep from blubbering more. He gives me another squeeze, wipes his eyes, and stands.
“We have to go down to the main supply closet on the first floor to grab a few things,” he says.
“But—”
“It’ll be quick. Come on let’s go.”
I whisper in Alyssa’s ear that we’ll be right back and then accompany Sutton to the supplies. He fills my arms with gauze, a Foley catheter kit, staple removal kit, and some other items I’ve never heard of.
“All right, that should do it.” His pager starts to beep. He puts his things down, reaches for his pager, and holds it closer to his eyes. His face turns white.
“No!” I drop the items to the floor, turn, and sprint down the hall.
“Wait for me,” Sutton calls out to me.
I keep running, feeling frantic. I swing open
the door to the stairs and take two or three steps at a time. I push through a slow crowd, and ignore their indignant expressions. “Get out of my way!” I slip through them and around them like liquid in rocks. Two men block my way. “You have to move. I need to get to her!”
“Maybe you should learn some manners,” a man with white hair says to me.
I have no idea what his problem is, but it causes me to erupt. “I’m tired of being polite. Now get out of my way!”
“Nope.”
“Let her through!” Sutton yells from a few flights down.
He doesn’t budge.
“Screw it.” I throw a punch directly into his groin. He topples over groaning and I leap past him. My lungs burn and my legs feel gummy. When I reach the eighth floor, I have to take a second to catch my breath because I’m light-headed.
When I look down, I see Bertha standing outside of her door crying. No, please no! Like lightning, I run. I turn to go in her room when Bertha grabs my arm.
“What are you doing? Let go of me.”
“She’s still with us,” Bertha says.
“Oh, thank you, God.”
Sutton joins us. “What’s wrong?” He huffs the words out.
“She’s talking to her mother. She wants to go with her mother.”
“Her mother’s here? Now, after all this time she decides to show up and see her daughter? No way she’s leaving. I won’t let her—”
“Her mother’s dead,” Sutton says.
Then I remember, the book said sometimes when the end is near, they can see people who’ve died before, and it’s possible they might talk to them. You’re not supposed to tell them they’re wrong because it only makes the patient more anxious.
“Okay, I get it. Now can I see her?”
Sutton nods his head.
Nothing can hold back my tears. I hurt all over. I have no idea how I move my legs, but eventually I get to her and she smiles.
“Don’t be sad,” she says softly. “My mommy wants me to go home, and she said they’re going to let her. I’m going to get out of here. Can you believe it? I won’t die a sinner in the Hole. I never thought this was possible.”
“That’s wonderful. I’m so happy for you. Do you want me to pack your things for you?” I choke out.
“Oh, that would be great because we have to leave soon.”
My body wants to convulse and my eyes want to pour the agony forth, but I do everything to hold it back. A single tear escapes and she feels it trail down her arm. She looks up at me, her glassy eyes opening wide.
“Please, come with me. I don’t want to leave you.” She gasps for air.
“I wish I could, so much, but now’s not the time for me. There’s some things I need to take care of first.”
“When you’re done, will you come?”
“Of course.” I get under her covers and hold her in my arms. She rests her head on my shoulder.
“I’m so tired.”
“I know,” I say.
“Lexi.”
“Yes.”
“You’re my best friend. I love you.”
Like a waterfall, my tears spill over, drowning me. “And you’re mine.” I sob now. “I love you too, so much.”
“Thank you for saving me.” I feel her tears falling on my arm.
“Thank you for saving me,” I say back to her because she did. Somehow, this girl found a way into my heart, and taught me how to live, how to care, and most importantly, how to love someone.
“My mom’s here now. Should I go with her?”
Every part of me wants to tell her no because I’m not ready—stay a little longer, tell your mom to come back tomorrow. But I know that’s me being selfish, because I’m not ready to say good-bye and lose her forever. I want to hold her tight and keep her from leaving, although I know that won’t keep her with me. I kiss her on the head.
“It’s okay. Don’t keep her waiting. I’ll see you soon,” I say through my sobs.
“Promise?” she says.
“When it’s time for me to go, I’ll come find you. I promise.”
“Did you hear my mom?”
“No, what did she say?”
“She said I was lucky to have such a wonderful friend and thank you for taking such good care of her daughter.”
“Tell her I was the lucky one. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
“She said not for long.”
“What?” I ask.
“I have to go now or we’ll miss the train.”
“Go on. Go to her. I love you, Alyssa.”
I feel her go limp as she lets go and leaves her failing body. I’m holding her, rocking her, shaking and bawling. Sutton closes the door, leaving me to mourn my friend.
I cover her with a blanket, trying to warm her body even though I know she’s gone. Darkness overtakes the room as the candle melts down low. She’s been gone only a minute, and already her room feels colder, devoid of the brightness captured in her spirit. I long to read to her one more day or tell her what she means to me, but it’s done. Instead, I just sit and stare at her, asking why… why… why her? That could’ve been me instead.
I feel an arm on my shoulder and turn around, hoping to see Cole, but it’s Sutton, standing behind me with an unfamiliar man. At first, my grief clouds my judgment and I think they’re here for me. I cling to Alyssa’s body, unwilling to move. I won’t let them take me away. But when Sutton reaches out to stroke my hair and his sad green eyes meet mine, my stomach drops. I know who they’re here for.
CHAPTER 8
My intention wasn’t to accompany Alyssa to the morgue on the fourth floor, but I can’t seem to let go yet. The reality doesn’t hit me even as her body lies in front of my eyes. Her chest doesn’t rise and her lips are a pale white. The mortician ambles about the small room, performing various duties that seem to seal Alyssa’s fate. He zips her tiny frame into a heavy black bag, and I watch as every last inch of her skin disappears from the world, sealing her inside. It’s like her light has been snuffed out by that bag and I want to rip it off. Then the mortician places the bag onto a gurney and begins to wheel her out of the room. Panic surges through me. I can’t let her go alone! I jump in front of the door and block his way out.
“I’m going with her!”
“No, you’re not,” Sutton says. “You’re very much alive and I plan on keeping you that way.” He grabs me around my waist, picks me up, and moves me out of the way.
Before he puts me on my feet, I wrap my arms around his neck and plead.
“I promised her I wouldn’t leave. I have to go with her. She wanted to be cremated. I have to make sure it happens.” His grip relaxes and he sets me on my feet. “I have to make sure she gets there safely.”
Beep. Beep. Sutton glances at his beeper. “A guard’s been injured. I have to go immediately.” His eyes plead in apology. “Stay here.” He disappears into another patient’s room, so I take off and catch the gurney.
“I thought he told you to stay,” the boy says.
“What’s it going to hurt? He won’t even know I’m gone.”
I glance up in time to see two guards walking toward us. I recognize the one from the incident in the garage. His skeptical eyes evaluate us as we pass, so I fix mine ahead, attempting to avoid provocation. The weight of their stares burns holes in my back, and I shudder. I feel vulnerable without Cole around and I doubt Mr. Mortician Boy knows any fighting tactics. They pass without a word and I exhale with relief.
“I’m Benjamin, by the way,” he says. “Sorry about your friend.”
I look over forcing a grin. “Thank you,” I manage to say. “I’m Lexi.”
He wears thin glasses and has shaggy red hair that partially hides his yellow brand. He pushes Alyssa’s body into the elevator and I squeeze in beside him. Before I finish my deep breath, we reach our destination.
As the doors open, the air sends a shiver up my spine and goose bumps rise on my arms. I glance around and
rub my arms, trying to ignore the fact more people like Alyssa lay hidden in this room. It’s dark and cool with large refrigerators thrumming in the background. Three homemade wooden tables line the middle of the room. Don’t get sick. Don’t pass out.
Benjamin must sense my nervousness as he rolls the gurney to the back wall. “They’re just refrigerators.”
“I figured. Just kind of freaks me out a bit. It’s just… I don’t want her sealed in a body bag and locked in a refrigerator—”
“It’s not her anymore,” he says. “It’s just her earthly body she had to leave to get to heaven.”
“And you believe all that?”
“I have to. It’s the only way I make it through each day… Knowing there’s a light at the end of the tunnel calms me.”
“Oh, I’ve heard that saying before, about the light at the end of a tunnel.”
“Lots of people used it before the commander took over.”
“Oh, that’s right, my dad used to say it.”
Thinking about my dad and hearing his voice in my head make me choke on my words a little. “Once, when I was about six years old, I had an argument with a girlfriend of mine from school. At that age, it seemed like the end of the world. I remember crying when my dad picked me up in his small blue car. He wrapped his arms around me and said, ‘Honey, I know you don’t see it now, but there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel.’” At the time, I didn’t weigh his words carefully, but now they ring fresh and true in my ears. So many times he tried to prepare me for the future without ever knowing what I’d face. God, I miss you, Daddy.
“I’m going to roll her over there now.” Benjamin smiles at me, then moves toward the refrigerators.
I can feel my heart in my throat. I never liked death and this is way beyond my comfort zone. He pushes the gurney toward the back of the room alongside a dozen, square rusty doors. Six line the top and six across the bottom. They’re numbered one through twelve.
“They’re all empty except for one, four, and five.” He unbuckles the straps holding Alyssa’s body in place. “Pick one.”
“Um, I don’t know.”
“I can do it if you’re not—”