The night before she was arrested, her stepfather forgot to drug her mother. She came into the girl’s room and found him lying there holding her. (He’d do this when he went from man number three back to man number two.) He’d take the girl out of the room, clean her up, and bring her back to good health.
Of course her mother was furious. The girl thought her mother would finally believe her. Instead, the mother slapped the girl across the face, screaming at the top of her lungs, “YOU’RE A SELFISH WHORE!” That’s when the girl knew she had lost her mother forever.
Her mother believed him, of course. He told her that the girl begged him into bed. All lies. He wrestled the mother out of the girl’s room and then it was quiet. The next night in a moment of freedom, she decided to hang herself. She was just about to take her life when she noticed the ring her father had given her. She hesitated when she read the inscription and then heard the guards coming for her.
She ran because he would’ve wanted her to try, but she knew they’d catch her eventually. However, nothing remained for her anymore. The only thing she cared about was getting away from him. So in her mind, she was running from him. The Hole had to be better than the hell she was already living in.
You know this girl, Cole. And she loves you.
My stepfather murdered the girl I once was, and he was so damn proud of it. All I wanted was to die and I was too pathetic and weak to even accomplish such an easy goal.
I hate the skin I live in. I cringe at my reflection and vomit at every sight and smell that reminds me of those days. (I hope that’s a good enough excuse for my puking issue.)
And now I’m here with you and all of a sudden my life makes sense again. The way you look at me makes me feel human—not a lifeless soul trapped in my own skin. So I thank you from the bottom of my heart for saving me, reviving me, caring for me, but most of all, for being my friend. I’m a train wreck—I know this—but with you by my side, I’m starting to mend.
So please, don’t give up on me. I need you to remind me every day who I really am and what I can become. If you can find it in your heart to love me, then please don’t run away. Promise me you’ll stay. Even though we can’t ever be together, promise me you’ll stay.
I never knew what it felt like to be in love, and I never wanted to until I fell in love with you.
I love you,
Lexi
P.S. Deep down I know you’d never choose to hurt me, so if you see Keegan, please tell him I love him.
Just thinking about his response makes my hands shake as I pull on my new clothes. I can only hope and pray he doesn’t hate me.
Day Five. Victims of street violence line the dim hallways of the hospital. The air is choked with blood, vomit, and humidity. Nurses struggle to pull bodies out of the hall and into a pile while guards patrol each room, looking for instigators. Their dark presence makes me feel as if there’s an anchor in my stomach, weighting me to the floor. I keep my eyes downcast and stay busy with my hands.
Patients die so fast we can’t keep up, so the nurses develop a method of deciding who’s most likely to live and then mark them with a pen. The marked patients are sent to the eighth floor and the others are left to die. Nightmares of their ragged, desperate faces envelop me at night.
Day Six. I’m losing my mind. He said he’d be gone a full week, which means he should be home tomorrow. I don’t think I can wait any longer even though my insides shake with the anxiety of his possible response. Did he read it? Does he think I’m disgusting? Weak? I wish I could read his mind.
“I’ve been calling you. They needed you in room three about twenty minutes ago,” Bertha commands.
I drop the basket of sheets on the floor with a thump and sprint to the room. Five people with gruesome injuries are shoved into the small candlelit space. Only one of them lies in a bed and the others rest, moaning, on the floor.
“I need you to clean up this putrid mess!” Amber points to the body lying closest to the wall, a man who obviously wet himself. A putrid yellow puddle forms around his body, but since he’s unconscious, he doesn’t know.
But without fail, my stomach lurches, and I swallow it back. “It would be my pleasure,” I say.
She laughs at me in the snide manner that suits her so well. “I’m sure he doesn’t miss you one bit. He never could keep his pants on.” She tosses me a napkin and leaves.
A passionate, angry retort bubbles up within me, but I refuse to give in to her rude behavior. I unfold the napkin and throw it on the urine, watching it soak up. Then I grab a sheet and start scrubbing while holding my breath so I don’t puke on this poor man. I try to push his body aside to clean under him, but he’s too heavy and he just moans.
Three guards slam through the door and swarm the man I’m cleaning. They shove me out of the way as Bruno enters behind them. Their eyes narrow into slits and their mouths pull down at the corners.
“Leave,” Bruno whispers in my ear.
“What?” I ask.
One of the guards pulls out his pistol, pushes it against the man’s temple, and executes him—right there on the floor. A scream catches in my throat as Bruno shields me. They stomp heavily out and leave his body lying there in a mix of crimson blood and urine.
As soon as they pass, I crumble on the floor, gasping for air. My ears ring with the explosive sound of the gun. The image of the patient’s body, the bodies in the street, and Claire on the platform bleeding her life away grasp at every thread of sanity I own.
“It’ll be okay. It’ll be okay,” Bruno says. He kneels down next to me.
It’ll never be okay as long as I’m here. I want to scream at him.
“It’s seven. Let’s go… but first you need to snap out of it so we can walk out of here. I’m not carrying your ass.” He pulls me up and brushes me off with worry etched on his face. His large eyes give nothing away, but I sense anger. I wonder if he’s as bothered as I am over the deaths of innocent people.
Straightening my back and wiping my face, I enter the hallway. Amber stands at the nurse’s station, flirting with Zane. She didn’t need me to clean the room; she just wanted to humiliate me. The way she smiles and flips her hair makes me want to go psycho and overturn the huge desk in front of her. I seethe under my skin and give her the nastiest look I can muster.
Bruno walks beside me and we ride silently in the elevator.
I stumble through the parking lot, unaware of my surroundings while deep in thought.
“Someone’s back early,” Bruno says.
CHAPTER 13
Our eyes meet and it feels like time freezes. The ball cap Cole’s wearing doesn’t hide his bloodshot, pained eyes as he motions for us to get in. My stomach drops. He’s leaving me. I know it now. My heart shatters within me and it takes all my strength to climb in and secure myself. I’ll never survive this… never breathe again without him.
As soon as we clear the guard checkpoint, he peels out into the streets. The sun’s falling behind the walls and the moon begins to show its full white face. The heavy moisture in the air is as thick here as in the hospital.
We travel in silence. Only Zeus’s subdued kisses distract me from my inner turmoil. I gave him my heart when I wrote that letter. I was such a fool to imagine we could’ve had anything… such an idiot for thinking he’d accept me for the battered girl I am.
Not once does he glance in his rearview to look or even speak to me. But I stare at him. His jaw clenches and his knuckles are white on the steering wheel. Oh God, he probably doesn’t want to tell me he caught Keegan. My hands ball into fists. Don’t cry. Please don’t cry.
Cole parks the Jeep in the garage and Bruno gives him a sympathetic look before leaving.
I dread the silence as he leads me to our building. The fence still leans into the street, looking warped from the pressure of the crowd this morning. The heavy metal tanks park along the curb, and the makeshift checkpoint is thriving as people go back to their quarters. A crude area has been set up
to load bodies from the explosion and some of the citizens add more to the pile. A large lantern grossly lights them. The sun disappears, leaving darkness except for the lights the guards carry and the red burning of cigarettes.
Zeus nudges the back of my knee, pushing me along. The little energy I have left drags my corpse up the stairs and into his room, ready for Cole to say he’s done with me.
But he doesn’t.
Instead, he runs his hand down my face, wiping the tears as they pour down my cheeks. Looking into his face, I sense his anger, yet I see compassion in his eyes. The way he cradles my face with his hands and kisses the top of my head only confuses me.
“Did—did you find Keegan?” I ask. I can’t stand here until I know the truth.
“I did…”
“Oh God!” I pull his hand away from my face and looking down.
“I couldn’t do it.” His husky voice belies his feelings, and I glance up with hope.
“Wait, you found him and you didn’t arrest him?” I can’t let it go until I know Keegan’s safe, regardless of his offense.
He sighs, looking frustrated, and then puts his hands on his head. “I wasn’t strong enough.”
“What do you mean?”
“I knew where he was hiding, but all I could think about was how much I’d hurt you if I turned him in.”
Three knocks on the door cause us both to jump. I step back and wipe my eyes as Cole opens the door.
“Seriously, what the hell do you want?” Cole asks.
I peek around Cole and see Crazy Bill drunk as a skunk, leaning on the doorframe and staring at Cole.
“You’re definitely not Melinda,” Crazy Bill says. “I thought this place looked different.”
Cole shakes his head and grunts. “You’re something else, you know that? Let me show you to the exit.” He looks back at me and rolls his eyes. “Be right back.”
“Okay,” I say.
The suspense is killing me. I try to find my bearings as I wait for him to return and continue our conversation. I need to know what happened to Keegan. Did my stepfather make him leave or did he leave of his own accord? I need Cole to reassure me that everything will be okay, but I’m afraid he’ll reject me… even though he should. I shuffle backward until my back finds the wall for support, glancing at the ceiling as tears overflow from my eyes.
Cole returns, opening the door carefully, as if he’s afraid to disturb me. “Tell me. What do you need me to do?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know how to make it better. My stepfather—”
“I swear to God if I ever see that bastard, I’ll kill him.” Cole locks the door behind him and slams his fists into the door.
I start to sob. My lungs gasp for air as the room seems to strangle me.
“Come here,” he says. My legs won’t move so he rushes over and pulls me into his chest, securing me with his arms. “I’m so sorry. I’ll never let him hurt you again. Ever.”
My knees give way and he swoops me into his arms, carrying me to his bed and holding me tight. His smell, oh my God, his smell is enough to make my head spin. He didn’t kill my brother and he’s here… here with me. My skin burns with the need for him. My entire body aches just being this close and not giving in to the desires I know we both have.
He wipes away my tears with his calloused hand and kisses my forehead. “Here, this might make you feel better.” He pulls something small out of his pocket, takes my right hand, and slides a gold band down my index finger. Instantly, I recognize it and my heart collapses with gratitude and shock. I thought the Hole would strip the humanity from everyone who was forced to endure this purgatory, but I’m reminded, once again, that love can exist anywhere regardless of the circumstances.
“How…? How—?”
He stands and crosses his arms across his chest. “I watched you in the transformation center and you were stoic throughout the entire process, didn’t even flinch when you were branded, and everyone always screams during that part. So I’ve heard. But when they ordered you to surrender the ring, your face changed, and for some reason I could feel your pain. Anyway, all they do is pawn the stuff they collect. So when no one was looking, I took it.”
He takes my face between his hands and stares into my eyes. “With everything that’s happened, I totally forgot I even had it. But when I read your letter, I remembered. You’re only alive and here with me now because of that ring. If you wouldn’t have seen it, you’d be six feet underground right now.”
He’s right.
And suddenly I can’t feel my heart beat and my ears ring so loud I can’t think. Then my voice comes out, breaking the static in my head. “Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you. I can’t even begin to tell you how much this means to me. Not once has anyone gone out of their way to do something even remotely nice for me. But you knew nothing about me, yet you took a risk for me. I wish I had a way to repay you.”
“You already did, by trusting me and letting me in.”
My gaze lowers to the floor and I take a cleansing breath. “I had to. The night before you left, I couldn’t sleep knowing I could lose you forever, and that’s when I knew.” I meet his gaze.
He curls his lip and tilts my face up. He pulls me in with his eyes. “You knew what? That I would never leave you?” He kisses the top of my head, then my forehead, and my head again.
My head explodes like a bomb. I look up and he holds my gaze. I know he can see my pain.
“Knew what?” he repeats. He wraps his arms around me again, pulling me into him. My nerves prevent me from speaking even though I should. “Tell me.”
“Even if it was only for a day, an hour, or a minute—I would risk everything just so I could be with you,” I say.
His concerned face morphs into one of determination. “Do you really mean that? Are you sure? Because if we get caught—”
“I know. And yes, I’m sure. When you were gone, all I could think about was you and I missed you so much it hurt.”
“Shhh…” He grips me closer to his body and then softly whispers in my ear, “I’m about to kiss you, and once I start I won’t be able to stop. Just thought I should warn you.”
“What are you waiting for?”
That’s when I feel his lips. He kisses along my jawline, to my chin, and kisses the corners of my mouth with such tenderness a moan escapes. He slides me closer so our bodies are completely intertwined. I wrap my legs around him so he can’t pull away. He exhales and I breathe him in. My pulse races to an unseen finish line.
Slowly, he leans in and presses his lips against my neck, and with every breath, he kisses me. I wrap my arms around his head and tilt my head back as his kisses make their way to my collarbone. I feel his hands move up my back and our breaths become heavy between each kiss. My body starts to shake.
He takes my face in his hands, rubbing my cheekbones with his thumbs. He kisses my forehead, my nose, and my eyelids. I open my eyes and push him in with my hands. The room starts to spin when his eyes lock on mine, and I’m losing my mind. He leans his face closer and closer but not close enough.
“Please. Kiss me,” I say.
He smiles his crooked smile, pauses a minute, and then brings his lips to mine. They’re warm, gentle, and soft. My heart flutters as he runs his finger over my lips and kisses me again. Then he pulls back, leaving my mouth yearning for more.
“What are you doing?”
“Teasing.”
“Oh no you don’t!”
I grab his head and press my lips to his. His kisses grow hungrier and more passionate by the minute. I open my mouth slightly, allowing his tongue to gently caress mine, and a quiet moan escapes him as I scrape my nails across his back. His mouth tastes minty and I want more, so much more.
“Don’t stop.” I’m left breathless and even my toes start tingling.
He drops his hands from my face and slides them under my shirt, grabbing me around the waist. He lifts me up and pushes me back onto the bed. My l
ips never leave his as he lowers himself on top of me. I’m losing all control. I wrap my arms around his neck, holding him closer, tighter so he can never leave.
His hands wrap around my hips and pull me into him as he kisses me with more intensity than before. He’s killing me.
I need to feel his flesh, so I grab the bottom of his shirt, pull it over his head, and throw it on the floor. I look down and my mouth drops open. Holy muscles. He laughs at me and shakes his head.
“That bad, huh?”
“Disgusting, actually. Mind if I grab your shirt? You looked much better when you had it on.”
“Is that so? Well, in that case, I’ll keep it off so I can continue to gross you out… Just don’t puke, all right?” He pushes up on his hands and winks at me.
“I’m trying my hardest to keep it down.”
“Are you really?” A flicker of concern darkens his face.
“No, silly. Lay on your back.” I can’t help but laugh as I try to pull him down.
“Why?”
I don’t answer. Instead, I roll him over, straddle him, and kiss him. Then I run my tongue down his neck to his chest and kiss every inch in between as my fingers glide over his biceps.
I want to feel him. I want all of him. I take his hands and place them on my shirt. He looks at me and shakes his head.
“No, I just want to kiss you,” he says. I run my hands up and down his chest, feeling him tremble underneath my palms.
He growls. At least I think it’s a growl. “Your turn. On your back you go!”
This time he straddles me. He interlaces his fingers through mine, guiding my arms above my head, and holds me there while he kisses my wrists, elbows, and back to my lips. I could kiss this boy until the day I die.
We stare at each other, more vulnerable than ever. Desire dances in his black eyes.
He runs his mouth from my collarbone to my lips, kissing every delicate area on the way. I’m on fire. I wrap my legs around his hips and force him closer. Unleashed.
“Baby,” he says between kisses, “we can’t.” He gradually pulls my arms from around his waist, but I pull him closer. He stops arguing and gives in, only to try again. “Not here, not like this.” His voice is rugged with desire as he unwraps my legs from his hips.