We'd only been together for a little over a month, and we'd had a lot of sex in that month. Pretty much daily doses of amazing and fabulous sheet-clawing sex. I had no complaints, and I know James didn't, but dropping a pregnant bomb on him might send him running for the hills. Even though it would be completely different if I were pregnant, he'd been through it before and had been hurt badly. I wanted to have babies with him sure, but after we were married, and after I was settled into my career. James kept dropping hints about the marrying-me part, so I guessed a ring would be in my near future, but he hadn't given me one yet. One thing I was certain about was that I didn't want it forced onto my finger because of an accidental pregnancy. I was nowhere close to ready for motherhood.
The last weeks had been just so ridiculous from changes within my family and at BGE, we'd hardly stopped to take a breath since we'd gotten together. James was heavily involved with the BGE legal department since taking over the top spot at Caleb's request. I'd been busy completing my master’s in the last month, volunteering at SBYC, and getting registered with the Association of Social Work Boards for the State of Massachusetts. James and I both had been forging through these additional stressors for weeks while trying to settle into our brand-new relationship. Lots of adjustments all around. Caleb had even hinted at something for me in the way of a job taking shape, but we hadn't discussed anything formally yet. He and Brooke had only returned from their month-long honeymoon less than a week ago.
"I just need my Depo shot," I said as I read her badge. Cassandra Wilton, M.D. didn't look much older than me. She was probably one of those genius kids who'd been to university at fifteen years old or something.
She read over my file again, but I already knew what she would find. "I'm overdue, I missed my last shot."
"I see that your last Depo was more than six months ago. Were you trying out a different type of birth control or something?"
Emotion bubbled up in me as quickly as the question fell off her lips. I shook my head no and tried to tamp down the sudden urge to cry. "No, I—I j-just missed my appointment and then I ig-ignored the follow-up reminders…" So much for getting a grip on my emotions. Instead, I found myself sobbing my heart out on the shoulder of a doctor I'd never met before, who couldn't be a day over twenty-five. Awkward much?
"I think you need to be kinder to yourself, Winter. You lost your father and broke off an abusive relationship all in the last eight months. That's a lot." She rubbed my back in a slow circle. "It'll be okay. Have faith and know you're doing the right thing by being seen today."
It was plenty. It still is. And I am a first-class idiot for putting myself in this position.
"So, can we talk about your sexual history? What method of birth control were you using in lieu of the Depo?"
"Nothing." I winced as I answered her. "But, I wasn't having sex until a month ago. That's when I started seeing James, my boyfriend."
"Are you getting your periods?"
"No, I've not had one in a year. And honestly, that's the reason I wasn't super concerned, as no period means the Depo is still working, right?" God, my reasoning sounded so fucking dumb as I said it.
"That is a good sign, yes," she said carefully, "but I want to do a test before giving you another shot. And remember, you had antibiotics with your hand injury, so I can't rule out the interaction of certain drugs on a hormonal contraception like Depo Provera. It's not common, but it can certainly happen."
"Okay…but how accurate is the test? I mean, could a positive result even show up this early? We've only been active for a few weeks." A small flame of worry had started to flicker to life inside my chest.
"Very accurate. As early as fourteen days from conception…and it only takes one little swimmer to get the job done."
* * *
JAMES
I could tell something was wrong by the look on Marguerite's face. She'd been working for me for a long time, so I knew whatever it was couldn't be good news. Marguerite ran my law office with true efficiency, making sure I didn't waste my time on stupid shit, or people, who could fall into line and wait their fucking turn.
"James, there's a Dr. Cassandra Wilton on the line. She's calling from the South Boston Clinic on Munroe where…ahh…Winter is there with her. She says you need to come down right away and pick her up." Why couldn't she call me herself?
She. Was. Hysterical.
I didn’t know what I was expecting when I walked into that clinic, but Winter bursting into tears that streamed down her face wasn't it. The instant she saw me, she broke down into sobs and turned away, refusing to meet my eyes.
I was a problem solver by nature. Always had been. Especially when it came to people I knew, because I wanted to help them fix their problems. That's something important to me as an attorney, one of the better parts about my job. But this situation was far beyond a job. This was Winter—the woman I loved—behaving completely out of character. Winter didn't have emotional breakdowns or hysterical bouts of crying that I'd ever witnessed over the twenty-plus years I'd known her. She was terribly upset, yes, but what really struck me was how she would not look at me.
As if she was ashamed...
So, I assessed.
Winter was in a medical clinic around the corner from where she volunteered…having a motherfucking meltdown. But she didn't look hurt or sick, or injured in any way that I could tell. So, my inner Sherlock Holmes took it a step further and studied the evidence in the room. A small plastic cup of what looked like probably urine, swabs, long thin white test strips with blue ends, and most importantly, one shell-shocked girlfriend. My mystery-loving, deducing-ass figured it out as my heart thumped out of my chest and flopped around still beating on the floor of that exam room.
She's pregnant?
"Winter? Can we talk about why you're so upset? I'm here…and you need to know there is nothing you could tell me right now that will change how I feel about you or…us." I knelt on the floor in front of her and picked up her hands to hold them in mine. I caressed the back of her hand and stroked my finger over the scar along her thumb, remembering the night when she'd come to me bleeding and terrified. Everything had started between us because of it. That one event could be the difference between us as we were now, and never finding our way to be with each other.
So, I'd have to take that one as fate. And I fucking love fate right now.
I take this new surprise as fate, too. If we were having a baby together, then all my self-doubt pondering if I could keep her was in my fucking past. Winter would be my wife and the mother of my children. I'd just been given the keys to the kingdom of my happily ever after…with the love of my life.
This was one enormous thank you to God, from me. I'll be sure to thank you in person next time I'm in church, big guy. I might have to make a special trip to St. Clement and light a candle before then, though, because I didn't show up there very often.
"I love you, Win. Focus on that while you find your words to tell me what's got you so upset. I'll wait until you can." I didn't coddle or try to force her; I was patient…and simply continued to trace my finger up and down her scar.
She shifted her head and turned toward me, her long hair falling forward and clinging to her tear-streaked cheeks, eyes still tightly closed. I gently tucked her hair behind her ears to get it out of her face, but nothing else. Winter had to be the one to go first.
She let me finish fixing her hair before leaning a bit more toward me, as if closing the physical distance between us was giving her strength. I really hoped that was the case. Then, on an anguished whisper she said, "James…" Simply my name. Then, a terrible shuddering breath came out from her chest and her sad green eyes finally opened to mine.
I was waiting with a smile, ready to wait forever if I needed to.
"I'm pregnant." She whispered it, utterly devastated as she spoke those two words out loud.
"I kind of figured that one out all on my own, beautiful, and I can see just how much it's upset—"
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"It's my fault. I did this—oh my God. James, I told you that first time…when we were together…I said I was protected, but I wasn't. My shot—I missed getting it after Dad died and I just didn't go and get another one. I…I…I…lied…and I don't even know why I lied. I'm sorry—I am so…s-s-sorry for doing this to us—"
She broke down into more crying and couldn't speak anymore after that, so I held her in my arms until she was able to walk out of that clinic with me and let me take her home.
Winter might be devastated now, but I hoped it was temporary devastation. We had a lot to discuss and major plans to make. We could start just as soon as the shock wore off and she was ready. Why was she so…devastated and why had she thought she’d lied? That wasn’t Winter’s MO at all, so she must be in need of some time to evaluate and process. It was certainly much more of an issue for her than it was for me. I couldn't do anything about changing that part for her, though. She knew what was in her own heart, and she would have to come to terms in her own way.
For the second time in my life I'd been given the same news. Leah’s announcement had blindsided me with doubt and filled me with worry. This time, with Winter, neither was present. Instead, the news was my salvation. The answer to prayers I'd never have the balls to actually say, even to myself. Complete opposite reactions coming from me.
I hoped she could come around in her feelings about the baby we'd created; reasoning as simple as the fact she could never leave me if she was having my child. My reasoning was flawed, of course. But then, that was often the case when reasoning with your heart’s desire. Winter was my heart’s desire and she always would be.
It wasn't what I'd expected to happen, or an outcome I'd sought. But it had happened. We were having a baby, and we were getting married, and now, in my mind, those two things were certain. The deep Catholic roots had taught us the rules. Rules that destined us to carry pregnancies to term. Rules that dictated we marry the person we made a baby with if it was legally possible. This was the way it was done. We both knew it without having to voice the points at all. Our families would demand it from us regardless.
Once I had her back to my place, I did something nearly identical to the night she came to me after cutting her hand. I took her into the bathroom, sat her on the countertop, and talked to her. But unlike that night, she wasn't falling in and out of consciousness. Rather, she was hyper-aware, experiencing a much different sort of trauma. And I could clearly see just how traumatic it was for her, which was what worried me the most. She hadn't spoken a word to me in the car on the way home, because she wasn't able, and I knew better than to push. Instead she'd been quiet, staring out the window at the winter gloom and the sprinkling of rain blowing from the clouds. My very traumatized Winter on a wintery day in January.
"I'm running you a bath, okay?" She nodded once, her face a storm of emotion and worry. "It'll be okay, Win. I know we will all be okay."
"But…how do I…how do we have a baby right now?" she asked finally, the suffering in her voice very clear.
"We just do." I took her face in both hands, so she would see me when I said the most important part. "We'll do it…together." It made me realize why I felt nothing but calm at that moment. We’ll do it together. Nothing really mattered now I had Winter as my own, because from now on, everything was with Winter. God. She truly had no clue how much she’d brought to my life.
On that note, I stepped away to start the water before coming back to undress her. I knew what to do. "I'm taking your clothes off." Not a question. She didn't respond other than to be soft and pliable as I worked, helpful even, until I had her exquisitely bare beneath my hands. I caged her in with my arms, loving that I now had her captive, able to focus only on me. Which was all she needed right now. I knew best how to help my Winter.
I took a finger to her brow and traced it down her cheeks where the tears had fallen. I drew it down her neck, and then on farther down between her breasts, before circling one perfect globe in a spiral with my fingertip. She gasped sharply, arching into me when I took her nipple into my mouth to soothe the tightened flesh I'd made. So responsive. So finely made. So beautiful, inside and out. Mine to love.
"You are so beautiful to me. I don't think you’re even aware of how much, "I whispered to her as my mouth covered the other breast and sucked on the nipple until it was tight and tipped dark pink from the attention I was giving it.
Another moan was her response. I kissed my way down until my mouth hovered over her flat belly, the smooth skin hiding something precious behind it. I couldn't help but think about what was happening inside her body. A baby was growing—our baby. "Every time you give yourself to me I love you even more. Always so generous, I am in awe of you." I replaced my mouth with my hand and splayed it out on her stomach. "We have something precious between us right here. Something that's part you and me together…that was made with love."
I felt the change in her body as she heard me, the battling of emotions silently screaming inside her as she processed the truth I'd spoken. I was torn between leaving it there and pushing her for just a bit more.
"Look at me, Winter."
She lifted her head and locked her eyes with mine, tears flowing anew. One word. It was all she was able to say, but it was a good word. It was enough to show me what she felt beneath all of the fear and the shock.
"Y-y-yess."
I kissed and touched her all over with as much love as I could until she was soft again underneath my hands and mouth, and I knew she was ready for me. I picked her up and carried her into the bath where I helped her into the water first. I stripped out of my clothes before her, silently commanding her to watch me as I got naked. I stroked my cock a few times and studied her expression, her eyes widening for just an instant before growing hooded. She swallowed deeply and adjusted her legs under the water. Her breasts above the water's surface were tinged pink from the heat…and desire. She wants me. More like she needed me. My Winter needed to be taken away by pleasure from the fear of the moment.
My specialty.
I stepped in and settled into position, grateful the tub was so large to accommodate both of us easily. "Come here, beautiful. You need to be fucked first and then we'll talk." I reached for her, bringing her over my lap to straddle me. I did not ask. Instead, I split her wide and thrust my cock into her slippery heat quickly and deep. She was so ready it was easy, even with the added friction of the water.
For once she didn't take it silently.
Winter needed to let off some of the tension while being fucked this time apparently. She told me she wanted it harder right before she came the first time. So, I fucked her harder and did some things that put marks on her flawless body…and mixed in a little bit of sweet pain with the pleasure. Her words and cries told me I got it right as she came the second time with me.
Whatever my girl needs.
After the bath—and one more hard fuck—she was ready to talk about it. I didn't mind her process. In fact, I found it brutally honest. Giving the body what it needed so your mind could do what it had to do was about as honest as it got.
She was also a fucking gorgeous sight with her head thrown back, tits shaking, her long hair trailing down to brush my thighs as she squeezed her cunt around my cock. I knew I'd never tire of watching her come.
I settled us side by side in the bed and smoothed her hair back from her face. She was tired, but her mind was busy when the first thing she asked was, "How can you be so easy with this, James? Why is this not making you angry? I don't understand your reaction at all."
"You love me?"
"Yes, of course I do."
"And do you trust me?"
"Yes, always. But what I did is the same as Leah did to you."
Hell the fuck no. "This is nothing like what that bitch did. Let me be very fucking clear on this, my love. Leah cheated with a colleague who was a partner in my father's firm. She got pregnant with his kid and told me it was mine. She would have married me a
nyway, but my father intervened and made sure she didn't…and in the most humiliating way possible to me. But only so he could call in favors later—when he wanted something—and had the person by the balls trapped in his spider's web of lies." Which he now had, with Ted Robinson beholden to him as well as dying of cancer. Karma was a vicious bitch sometimes…and not my fucking problem today.
"I'm so sorry, James. For what happened before with her, and for now…with me. I lied about being protected. I wasn't completely sure, and I didn't do a thing about it for over a month."
"I'm not sorry."
"How? Why aren't you feeling betrayed by my lying to you about my birth control?"
"Okay then, let me ask you this. Why did you lie?"
She looked down, feeling the full force of her shame, I guess, but I wanted to hear her answer anyway. "I didn’t care. That first night…I’d wanted you for so long...and once I knew you wanted me too, I refused to allow anything to stand in my way of having you. I…I…really don't know. I told you point blank it was okay for you to come in me. You asked me if you needed to pull out because we didn't have condoms at the house that first night we were together. I told myself the shot was still working when even I considered it might not be." She shook her head slowly back and forth. "It was so irresponsible of me and goes against everything I know and practice in my life and my work."