"I don't care, and I'm still not sorry it happened."
"Why not, James?"
"Simple." I took her face in my hand and held her firmly then put my other hand low on her belly. "Because this baby was made with the right girl. My right girl. And I love you, and now our baby, very much."
Her eyes filled with tears again. I knew then that I loved her tears when she cried, because they were mine. I owned them…much like Winter owned my heart. This woman had cried for me…feared for my heart, when she had possibly hurt me. But what she didn’t realize was that her instant reaction proved her love for me beyond words.
She was mine to love forever.
And my heart was now safer than it had ever been.
Chapter Twenty-One
WINTER
One week later.
"I suppose I won't ever have to worry about a want of grandchildren, will I? At this rate adults in this family are going to be outnumbered by babies in a very short time." This was my mother's attempt at making light of a situation that was anything but light for me. I had to give her props for not being a bitch about it though. She'd always adored James, so she was genuinely thrilled with our news. Which surprised me only because she hadn't been as thrilled about Caleb and Brooke when they'd announced they were expecting. Granted she'd been out of town then, staying in Charleston with her aunts and cousins over the holidays when Brooke and Caleb found out she was pregnant. Married in secret a week later, then away for a month-long honeymoon, they were now happily living life as they waited for their baby to be born. Without input from her or anyone else.
I was not feeling so fortunate as my brother. Caleb had skills for dealing with our mother that none of the rest of us could match, and he always had. She didn't get away with manipulating him very often, the lucky bastard.
"Three weddings in six months will certainly be a challenge, even for me," she said cheerfully, "but I think I can pull it all off with a flourish."
"Not three in six months, Mom."
"Yes, you and James of course, Willow and Roger in July, and something to mark the event for Caleb and Brooke."
"I don't want to get married before the baby is born." I knew this would go over like a lead balloon for her, but I wasn't going to budge on my position. She couldn't force me. "James and I have already decided. We're waiting until after the baby to have our wedding."
"Oh no, Winter, you most certainly are not. I cannot accept that from one of my children. Even Caleb married Brooke as soon as they could possibly manage it."
Even Caleb? What the hell did that comment mean? Sometimes she said things which made no sense. Still a mystery to me most of the time even though we'd always had a decent mother-daughter relationship; my mom was ever a supportive parent. But I'd known she would react this way even before we showed up tonight. Her position certainly wasn't a surprise, annnnd I was regretting the madness of coming to this dinner for the purpose of telling our parents they were going to be upgraded to grandparents in about seven and a half months. I looked to James sitting to my left and asked silently for his support in backing me up.
We'd talked about it and he had agreed to let me set the pace of things. I was still in a bit of shock about his attitude about the whole thing to be honest. He accepted the pregnancy bomb like it was the best news he'd ever been given. He said it wasn't anything different from what he wanted to do with me eventually; we'd just sped up his plans up a bit. Ya think? From the moment I'd told him, James had been very relaxed about everything. If he had doubts about being a father and a husband, he didn't share them. He was probably shielding me, because he knows I'm a total mess over it. I'm scared I'll be a terrible mother. I don't know how to be a mom. Maybe his eight years on me has helped him cope with impending parenthood. I don't know…anything anymore.
When James just smiled at my mom and then at me without speaking up, I tilted my head at him and glared.
"Your thoughts, Robert and Vanessa?" My mother bypassed me altogether and went to the judge for input. Asking Vanessa for her opinion was merely a politeness, because we all knew she would agree with whatever her husband decreed. I was not thrilled with having to toe the line for the judge in any way, shape, or form. Fuck him. I'd told James that already. I had limits and Judge Beastly went far past mine a hella long time ago.
He smiled his fake reptilian smile at me and then turned to look at his wife. "Vanessa and I've discussed it at length and feel that our only son deserves a wedding that befits the Blakney name—and Blackstone, of course." I thought Vanessa looked especially miserable tonight as she sat beside her husband at my mother's dining table. If I didn't know better I'd say she was in pain—and it didn't sit well with me at all. I needed to reach out before I lost my mind over whatever was going on with her. I decided I'd speak to her alone the first chance I got. Meanwhile, the judge droned on, "As both James and Winter are descended from founding fathers of New England, the honor carries with it certain responsibilities to uphold our worthy place in history and to be seen in society well. A marriage of our children cannot be something slapped together on the haphazard efforts of a few weeks. The guest list for this wedding will need to be curated with careful attention."
The judge was dreaming if he thought I was putting on a celebrity-scale wedding event to appease his absurd political aspirations. That sort of event would definitely not be what my wedding was about. Part of me wanted to get up from the table and leave, but I held my tongue and watched the circus instead.
My mom raised a perfectly shaped eyebrow and gave the judge her version of high-society-stink-eye. "I am well aware of that, Robert, but my daughter is pregnant. We don't have the luxury of months to plan a society wedding. She's not walking down the aisle to marry James in one of those hideous maternity wedding gowns."
The judge gave it right back to her. "I agree…our children have jumped the gun by putting the baby before the wedding, Madelaine, but that matter is rather out of our hands now. I suppose we'll just have to swallow this misstep and have the wedding after my grandchild is born." He could play the sympathetic victim so well it was almost entertaining to watch. Almost.
And so incredibly rude to be talked about as if I wasn't sitting in the same fucking room as them. I now had a much better understanding of Caleb and Brooke's decision to go with marrying in secret. Maybe James and I could do something similar…
Which made me wonder why my beloved was now mute.
I elbowed him and whispered tightly, "Say something."
Startled by my poke, he quickly found his voice. "Ahh, Madelaine, we considered a few options, and honestly I'd be happy with any scenario that ends with our names on a marriage certificate." He looked over at me and winked, letting me know he was on my side. "I'd do it tomorrow in front of a justice of the peace if that's what Winter wanted. But a rushed marriage is not what she wants, nor will she consider upstaging her twin sister's wedding in July. So, we've decided to plan ours for somewhere around six months after our baby is born. He or she will be able to be there with all of us on our big day when we say our vows."
Perfectly said by my man. He reached for my hand and clasped it, giving a little squeeze. I loved him so much. My James and his understanding of how to give me what I needed—always. I probably never would grasp any logical reason for his way of loving me.
"Oh." Mom opened her mouth to say more and then shut it again. James was a master at explaining things in such a way that made arguing the point…difficult if not impossible. I almost felt a twinge of sympathy for my mother being silenced on the subject of my wedding. Almost.
I took my opportunity with Vanessa when she was in the bathroom and the others were occupied with coffee and dessert. I surprised her when she came out by being the first thing she saw when she opened the door. "Oh, my goodness, you startled me, dear."
"I know, I'm sorry for accosting you like this but I really wanted to talk to you alone." I reached out my hand and covered one of hers. I didn't want to be
pushy, but I felt I needed to move quickly and make a connection with her, and touching a person is a good way to do it. "Vanessa, you know I'm a social worker, right? I really love my job. I love helping people. I don't want to offend you in any way, or make you uncomfortable, but I am feeling most profoundly that you may be in need of some support, and if I could get that support to you it would mean the world to me, and to James of course, to be able to help you. James adores you, and we'll be family very soon. We already are really, because you're my child's grandmother. You don't have to say anything to me—here or right now. I only wanted to make the offer."
"What is the offer, my dear?" I saw understanding in her eyes, so I felt confident enough to say the rest.
I slipped my business card into her hand and then closed it by folding her fingers over and hiding it inside her palm. "This is where I work. I can help you with anything that you may need it to be…or put you into contact with the right people who can. You are also invited come down and tour SBYC and decide for yourself if you might like to be a volunteer there. Sometimes people are most comfortable beginning their relationship with support services by volunteering." I smiled gently. "No pressure at all, and if what I've said is way off-base, please disregard it as my hormonal pregnant brain taking over my mouth, okay?"
She didn't say anything at first, but her eyes held mine and I sensed that maybe I had reached through to her. It was confirmed a moment later when she drew me into her arms for a hug and whispered in my ear, "Thank you, Winter, you'll never know what this means to me."
Judge Beastly interrupted us about ten seconds later, and I panicked that he'd guessed what I'd been up to because he drew her away from me by the hand rather possessively. "It's time to go, Vanessa. For the moment, we've settled everything here." I worried he might confiscate my card and expose my covert efforts to help her—hopefully to escape him. But he'd taken her hand without the card, or maybe she'd slipped it up her sleeve and out of sight before he saw it. Either way worked for me.
Dear God, thank you!
"Just some girl-talk with my new mother-in-law is all. You may have her back, your honor." I faked my sweetest most sugary smile and put my hand on the bathroom door as if I was going in.
"Oh, please call me dad, Winter, of course you must." He said it as an afterthought, like he was used to family members referring to him as your honor on a regular basis.
That will never happen, you fucking monster.
I told James what I'd done in the car on the drive home.
He was silent at first, his knuckles turning white from the force of his grip on the steering wheel. "She actually said that to you— 'Thank you, Winter, you'll never know what this means to me.' –and took your c-card?" The stammer gave away just how much I'd shocked him. By now I was well aware of the many times James and Victoria both had reached out to their mom offering their help to her in leaving the judge and starting a new life if she wanted. But never once in all of the years they'd tried to open a discussion with her about her obvious unhappiness, had she admitted a thing to her two children. They knew something was wrong, but whatever it was remained a deeply buried secret.
"She did, James."
"I can't believe it." As he looked over at me, and even in the darkness I could see the surprise in his eyes. "I'm fucking glad, but I still can't believe she even entertained the thought of doing anything other than pretending all is well."
"Sometimes when it's a person removed from the situation offering the help it's easier. Like me inviting her to volunteer at SBYC might be the way in. Your dad has a hold over her…with something. That much is apparent, and I could see it clearly in their small encounter when he came to find her to leave. Your mom is making a choice to stay with him. Her choice. That only she can make, James. No matter how much we try to help she has to be the one to ask for it."
"I know that. Vic and I've known it for a long time. She's miserable with him but she won't say why or do anything to change her situation. Trust me, I've spent countless hours worrying about my mom. I accepted a long time ago that whatever it is between my parents…I may never know."
"All we can do is try and let her know we'll be here for her when she's ready."
"Thank you, Win." I heard lots of emotion in my James' voice. I sensed he wanted to say more to me but couldn't. It wasn't the right time or place for it while driving us home.
I must have dozed off in the cozy warmth of the car, because I woke up to something much different. James smelled so good. The realization that I was resting against his hard chest as he carried me in his strong arms...was heaven. "Mmm…did I fall asleep again?"
"Yes, beautiful, you do that a lot now. Growing our baby makes you tired, but I don't mind because that means I get to carry you around more often like this."
"I love when you carry me." He did carry me often, so I trusted he liked doing it for a reason. I'd also discovered James was very particular about how he touched me—or more so in placing me where he wanted me. He arranged me into positions or put me in places where he then had a purpose for something more to come. I could tell this was one of those times. The whole feel of his body changed. His muscles flexing against me, and the way he was carrying me with determination told me he had plans for me tonight.
I didn't ask him either.
I knew if I did ask he probably wouldn't tell me anyway.
Because my James was a fan of plans…and surprises. And so was I.
The first surprise was that we weren't home in Boston but rather at his house in Sherborn. We hadn’t come here since the first night we were together. I knew he'd bought it originally before he was supposed to marry Leah, because he told me. I'd considered he avoided coming here so he wouldn’t be reminded of her, but I wasn’t completely sure. James had his demons…as did we all.
"Are we staying the night here?" I asked when he brought me in through the front door, carrying me effortlessly, as if I weighed nothing—which was definitely not the case.
"Only tonight." He kissed me before setting me down carefully in front of the fireplace which was already lit and cheerfully warming the room, most likely from Enzo's efforts. There were blankets and pillows and drinks and appetizers set out too. It looked like my surprise was going to be a slumber party by the fireplace with James. Yes, please. "Is that okay?" he asked.
I nodded slowly, my smile taking over as I realized what he'd planned for us. "This really is a beautiful house, James."
His hands gripped my hips loosely as he stood before me. "Your beauty makes the house pale in comparison, but it's served its purpose I think. In a good way. And now I'm ready to let it go for something else altogether. Other people will find it useful I hope, especially with your help."
"You're selling?"
"Something like that, beautiful." He smiled at me, a rare one that lit up his whole face. "You're a hard one to buy gifts for, Winter Blackstone, do you know that? I've wracked my mind for weeks trying to figure out the right engagement gift, and then tonight I knew what it should be. It came to me so easily while you were sleeping in the car."
"Why do you need to give me an engagement gift, because I don't have a gift for you, and we already discussed this."
"Oh yes you do, beautiful. You are my gift because you love me and you're having our baby. Your gifts are…everything to me…so much more than any single object I could ever give to you."
"Oh James—"
He silenced me with another kiss and then he knelt down in front of me and put his lips to my belly. He looked up at me with his sludgy green eyes that held the power to make me melt and said, "Winter Leigh Blackstone, I have loved you for a long time. I've watched you grow into the most amazing woman in the world…to me you are. One who is not only beautiful, but kind, and lovely, and so smart I am in awe half the time. The other half the time I have to pinch myself that you love me and want to belong to me. So, this house is my engagement gift to you. You already told me you didn't want a big diamond ring and w
ouldn't wear one anyway, so what can I give to the woman I love who holds my heart?" He looked around the room and then back up to me. "A house, one I don't need but could be used for those that do. It's yours to have as a starting point for a shelter or administrative offices or whatever you'd like it to be. There's room for expansion too, because the land itself is just under five acres. You can have horses here, there's a barn with outbuildings and everything. I'll take care of all the permits and legalities for you, and you can do what you do best. Help the people who need it and make your dreams a reality. You have your safehouse, my Winter."
I ended up on the floor with him because my legs couldn't hold me up anymore. Especially with him kneeling and his mouth too far away for my lips to kiss.
Many hours later I woke in his arms. Enveloped in his warmth and the soft blankets of our love nest beside a fireplace glowing with embers, I'd never felt so loved. I don't even know how I lived my life without James loving me this way before he started. I've also never cried as much in my life as I have in the last few weeks. But it didn't matter, because he'd told me once that he loved my tears. He owned my "love-tears" as he called them.
Much like he owned my heart.
Chapter Twenty-Two
WINTER
February
They say every family has a few skeletons in their closet.
Whoever "they" are were not lying.
I may have just had an out-of-body experience at dinner tonight when my mother told us all that Caleb was the love-child of my father and a British housemaid who worked for them the year my parents married. When she died just three weeks after he was born of a brain aneurysm my parents made a pact to raise him as their firstborn, even moving to Houston for a few years to conceal the secret.