CHAPTER TWO.
Injuries may be atoned for and forgiven: but insults admit of no compensation. They degrade the mind in its own esteem, and force it to recover its level by revenge.
JUNIUS.
There are certain events in our lives poetically and beautifullydescribed by Moore as "green spots in memory's waste." Such are theemotions arising from the attainment, after a long pursuit, of anydarling object of love or ambition; and although possession andsubsequent events may have proved to us that we had overrated ourenjoyment, and experience have shown us "that all is vanity," stillrecollection dwells with pleasure upon the beating heart, when thepresent only was enjoyed, and the picture painted by youthful andsanguine anticipation in glowing and delightful colours. Youth only canfeel this; age has been often deceived--too often has the fruit turnedto ashes in the mouth. The old look forward with a distrust and doubt,and backward with sorrow and regret.
One of the red-letter days of my life was that on which I first mountedthe uniform of a midshipman. My pride and ecstasy were beyonddescription. I had discarded the school and school-boy dress, and, withthem, my almost stagnant existence. Like the chrysalis changed into abutterfly, I fluttered about, as if to try my powers; and felt myself agay and beautiful creature, free to range over the wide domains ofnature, clear of the trammels of parents or schoolmasters; and my heartbounded within me at the thoughts of being left to enjoy, at my owndiscretion, the very acme of all the pleasure that human existence canafford; and I observe that in this, as in most other cases, I met withthat disappointment which usually attends us. True it is, that in thedays of my youth, I did enjoy myself. I was happy for a time, ifhappiness it could be called; but dearly have I paid for it. Icontracted a debt, which I have been liquidating by instalments eversince; nor am I yet emancipated. Even the small portion of felicitythat fell to my lot on this memorable morning was brief in duration, andspeedily followed by chagrin.
But to return to my uniform. I had arrayed myself in it; my dirk wasbelted round my waist; a cocked-hat, of an enormous size, stuck on myhead; and, being perfectly satisfied with my own appearance at the lastsurvey which I had made in the glass, I first rang for the chambermaid,under pretence of telling her to make my room tidy, but, in reality,that she might admire and compliment me, which she very wisely did; andI was fool enough to give her half a crown and a kiss, for I felt myselfquite a man. The waiter, to whom the chambermaid had in all probabilitycommunicated the circumstance, presented himself, and having made a lowbow, offered the same compliments, and received the same reward, savethe kiss. Boots would, in all probability, have come in for his share,had he been in the way, for I was fool enough to receive all their finespeeches as if they were my due, and to pay for them at the same time inready money. I was a gudgeon and they were sharks; and more sharkswould soon have been about me, for I heard them, as they left the room,call "boots" and "ostler," of course to assist in lightening my purse.
But I was too impatient to wait on my captain and see my ship so Ibounced down the stairs, and in the twinkling of an eye was on my way toStonehouse, where my vanity received another tribute, by a raw recruitof marine raising his hand to his head, as he passed by me. I took itas it was meant, raised my hat off my head, and shuffled by with muchself-importance. One consideration, I own, mortified me--this was thatthe _natives_ did not appear to admire me half so much as I admiredmyself. It never occurred to me then, that middies were as plentiful atPlymouth Dock, as black boys at Port Royal, though, perhaps, not of somuch value to their masters. I will not shock the delicacy of my fairreaders by repeating all the vulgar alliterations with which mynovitiate was greeted, as I passed in review before the ladies of NorthCorner, who met me in Fore Street. Unsophisticated as I then was, inmany points, and certainly in this, I thought them extremely ill-bred.Fortunately for me, the prayers of a certain description of people neverprevail, otherwise I should have been immediately consigned to a place,from which, I fear, all the masses of France and Italy would not haveextricated me.
I escaped from these syrens without being bound to the mast, likeUlysses; but, like him, I had nearly fallen a victim to a modernPolyphemus; for though he had not one eye in the middle of his forehead,after the manner of his prototype, yet the rays from both his eyesmeeting together at the tip of his long nose, gave him very much thatappearance. Ignorance, sheer ignorance, in this, as in many othercases, was the cause of my disaster. A party of officers, in fulluniform, were coming from a court-martial. "Oh, oh!" said I, "here comesome of us." I seized my dirk in my left hand, as I saw they held theirswords, and I stuck my right hand into my bosom as some of them haddone. I tried to imitate their erect and officer-like bearing; I put mycocked-hat on fore and aft, with the gold rosette dangling between mytwo eyes, so that in looking at it, which I could not help doing, I musthave squinted. And I held my nose high in the air, like a pig in ahurricane, fancying myself as much an object of admiration to them as Iwas to myself. We passed on opposite tacks, and our respectivevelocities had separated us to the distance of twenty or thirty yards,when one of them called out to me in a voice evidently cracked in HisMajesty's service--"Hello, young gentleman, come back here."
I concluded I was going to be complimented on the cut of my coat, to beasked the address of my tailor, and to hear the rakish sit of my hatadmired. I now began to think I should hear a contention between thelords of the ocean, as to who should have me as a sample middy on theirquarter-decks; and I was even forming an excuse to my father's friendfor not joining his ship. Judge then of my surprise and mortification,when I was thus accosted in an angry and menacing tone by the oldest ofthe officers--"Pray, sir, what ship do you belong to?"
"Sir," said I, proud to be thus interrogated, "I belong to His Majesty'sship the _Le ---_" (having a French name, I clapped on both the Frenchand English articles, as being more impressive.)
"Oh, you do, do you?" said the veteran, with an air of conscioussuperiority; "then you will be so good as to turn round, go down toMutton Cove, take a boat, and have your person conveyed with allpossible speed on board of His Majesty's ship the _Le ---_" (imitatingme); "and tell the first lieutenant it is my order that you be notallowed any more leave while the ship is in port; and I shall tell yourcaptain he must teach his officers better manners than to pass theport-admiral without touching their hats."
While this harangue was going on, I stood in a circle, of which I wasthe centre, and the admiral and the captains formed the circumference:what little air there was their bodies intercepted, so that I was notonly in a stew, but stupefied into the bargain.
"There, sir, you hear me--you may go."
"Yes, I do hear you," thinks I; "but how the devil am I to get away fromyou?" for the cruel captains, like schoolboys round a rat-trap, stood soclose that I could not start. Fortunately, this my blockade, which theyno doubt intended for their amusement, saved me for that time. Irecollected myself, and said, with affected simplicity of manner, that Ihad that morning put on my uniform for the first time; that I had neverseen my captain, and never was on board a ship in all my life. At thisexplanation, the countenance of the admiral relaxed into something thatwas meant for a smile, and the captains all burst into a loud laugh.
"Well, young man," said the admiral--who was really a good-temperedfellow, though an old one--"well, young man, since you have never beenat sea, it is some excuse for not knowing good manners; there is nonecessity now for delivering my message to the first lieutenant, but youmay go on board your ship."
Having seen me well roasted, the captains opened right and left, and letme pass. As I left them I heard one say, "Just caught--marks of thedogs' teeth in his heels, I warrant you."
I did not stop to make any reply, but sneaked away, mortified andcrest-fallen, and certainly obeyed this, the first order which I hadever received in the service, with more exactness than I ever did anysubsequent one.
During the remainder of my walk, I touched my hat to every one I m
et. Iconferred the honour of salute on midshipmen, master's mates, sergeantsof marines, and two corporals. Nor was I aware of my over complaisance,until a young woman, dressed like a lady, who knew more of the navy thanI did, asked me if I had come down to stand for the borough? Withoutknowing what she meant, I replied, "No."
"I thought you might," said she, "seeing you are so damned civil toeverybody." Had it not been for this friendly hint, I really believe Ishould have touched my hat to a drummer.
Having gone through this ordeal, I reached the inn at Plymouth, where Ifound my captain, and presented my father's letter. He surveyed me fromtop to toe, and desired the pleasure of my company to dinner at sixo'clock. "In the meantime," he said, "as it is now only eleven, you maygo aboard, and show yourself to Mr Handstone, the first lieutenant, whowill cause your name to be entered on the books, and allow you to comeback here to dine." I bowed and retired; and on my way to Mutton Covewas saluted by the females with the appellation of "royal reefer"(midshipman), and a "biscuit nibbler;" but all this I neither understoodnor cared for. I arrived safely at Mutton Cove, where two women, seeingmy inquiring eye and span-new dress, asked what ship they should take"my honour" to. I told them the ship which I wished to go on board of.
"She _lays_ under the _Obelisk_," said the elder woman, who appeared tobe about forty years of age; "and we will take your honour off for ashilling."
I agreed to this, both for the novelty of the thing, as well as onaccount of my natural gallantry and love of female society. The elderwoman was mistress of her profession, handling her scull (oar) withgreat dexterity: but Sally, the younger one, who was her daughter, wasstill in her novitiate. She was pretty, cleanly dressed, had on whitestockings, and sported a neat foot and ankle.
"Take care, Sally," said the mother; "keep stroke, or you will catch acrab."
"Never fear, mother," said the confident Sally; and at the same moment,as if the very caution against the accident was the cause of it, theblade of her scull did not dip into the water. The oar meeting noresistance, its loom, or handle, came back upon the bosom of theunfortunate Sally, tipped her backwards--up went her heels in the air,and down fell her head into the bottom of the boat. As she was pullingthe stroke oar, her feet almost came in contact with the rosette of mycocked-hat.
"There now, Sally," said the wary mother; "I told you how it would be--Iknew you would catch a crab!"
Sally quickly recovered herself, blushed a little, and resumed heroccupation. "That's what we call catching a crab in our country," saidthe woman. I replied that I thought it was a very pretty amusement, andI asked Sally to try and catch another; but she declined, and by thistime we had reached the side of the ship.
Having paid my naiads, I took hold of the man-rope, as I was instructedby them, and mounted the side. Reaching the gangway, I was accosted bya midshipman in a round jacket and trousers, a shirt none of thecleanest, and a black silk handkerchief tied loosely round his neck.
"Who did you want, sir?" said he.
"I wish to speak with Mr Handstone, the first lieutenant," said I. Heinformed me that the first lieutenant was then gone down to frank theletters, and when he came on deck, he would acquaint him with my beingthere.
After this dialogue, I was left on the larboard side of the quarter-deckto my own meditations. The ship was at this time refitting, and waswhat is usually called in the hands of the dockyard, and a sweet messshe was in. The quarter-deck carronades were run fore and aft; theslides unbolted from the side, the decks were covered with pitch freshpoured into the seams, and the caulkers were sitting on their boxesready to renew their noisy labours as soon as the dinner-hour hadexpired. The middies, meanwhile, on the starboard side of thequarter-deck, were taking my altitude, and speculating as to whether Iwas to be a messmate of theirs, and what sort of a chap I might chanceto be--both these points were solved very speedily.
The first lieutenant came on deck; the midshipman of the watch presentedme, and I presented my name and the captain's message.
"It is all right, sir," said Mr Handstone. "Here, Mr Flyblock, do youtake this young gentleman into your mess; you may show him below as soonas you please, and tell him where to hang his hammock up."
I followed my new friend down the ladder, under the half-deck, where sata woman, selling bread and butter and red herrings to the sailors; shehad also cherries and clotted cream, and a cask of strong beer, whichseemed to be in great demand. We passed her, and descended anotherladder, which brought us to the 'tween decks, and into the steerage, inthe forepart of which, on the larboard side, abreast of the mainmast,was my future residence--a small hole which they called a berth; it wasten feet long by six, and about five feet four inches high; a smallaperture, about nine inches square, admitted a very scanty portion ofthat which we most needed, namely, fresh air and daylight. A deal tableoccupied a very considerable extent of this small apartment, and on itstood a brass candlestick, with a dip candle, and a wick like afull-blown carnation. The table-cloth was spread, and the stains ofport wine and gravy too visibly indicated, like the midshipman's dirtyshirt, the near approach of Sunday. The black servant was preparing fordinner, and I was shown the seat I was to occupy. "Good Heaven!"thought I, as I squeezed myself between the ship's side and themess-table; "and is this to be my future residence? Better go back toschool; there, at least, there is fresh air and clean linen."
I would have written that moment to my dear, broken-hearted mother, totell her how gladly her prodigal son would fly back to her arms; but Iwas prevented doing this, first by pride, and secondly by want ofwriting materials. Taking my place, therefore, at the table, I musteredup all my philosophy; and, to amuse myself, called to mind thereflections of Gil Blas, when he found himself in the den of therobbers, "Behold, then, the worthy nephew of my uncle, Gil Perez, caughtlike a rat in a trap."
Most of my new associates were absent on duty; the 'tween deck wascrammed, with casks, and cases, and chests, and bags, and hammocks; thenoise of the caulkers was resumed over my head and all around me; thestench of bilge-water, combining with the smoke of tobacco, the effluviaof gin and beer, the frying of beef-steaks and onions, and redherrings--the pressure of a dark atmosphere and a heavy shower of rain,all conspired to oppress my spirits, and render me the most miserabledog that ever lived. I had almost resigned myself to despair, when Irecollected the captain's invitation, and mentioned it to Flyblock."That's well thought of," said he; "Murphy also dines with him; you canboth go together, and I dare say he will be very glad of your company."
A captain seldom waits for a midshipman, and we took good care he shouldnot wait for us. The dinner was in all respects one "on service." Thecaptain said a great deal, the lieutenants very little, and themidshipmen nothing at all; but the performance of the knife and fork,and wine-glass (as far as it could be got at), were exactly in theinverse ratio. The company consisted of my own captain, and two others,our first lieutenant, Murphy, and myself.
As soon as the cloth was removed, the captain filled me out a glass ofwine, desired I would drink it, and then go and see how the wind was. Itook this my first admonitory hint in its literal sense and meaning; buthaving a very imperfect idea of the points of the compass, I own I felta little puzzled how I should obtain the necessary information.Fortunately for me, there was a weathercock on the old church-steeple;it had four letters, which I certainly did know were meant to representthe cardinal points. One of these seemed so exactly to correspond withthe vane above it, that I made up my mind the wind must be west, andinstantly returned to give my captain the desired information, not alittle proud with my success in having obtained it so soon. But whatwas my surprise to find that I was not thanked for my trouble; thecompany even smiled and winked at each other; the first lieutenantnodded his head and said, "Rather green yet." The captain, however,settled the point according to the manners and customs, in such casesused at sea. "Here, youngster," said he, "here is another glass foryou; drink that, and then Murphy will show you what I mea
n." Murphy wasmy chaperon; he swallowed his wine--rather _a gorge deployee_, put downhis glass very energetically, and bowing, left the room.
When we had got fairly into the hall, we had the following duet:--"Whatthe hell brought you back again, you damned young greenhorn? Could younot take a hint, and be off, as the captain intended? So I must lose mywine for such a young whelp as you. I'll pay you off for this, my tightfellow, before we have been many weeks together."
I listened to this elegant harangue with some impatience, and much moreindignation. "I came back," said I, "to tell the captain how the windwas."
"You be damned," replied Murphy: "do you think the captain did not knowhow the wind was--and if he had wanted to know, don't you think he wouldhave sent a sailor like me, instead of such a damned lubberly whelp asyou?"
"As to what the captain meant," said I, "I do not know. I did as I wasbid--but what do you mean by calling me a whelp? I am no more a whelpthan yourself!"
"Oh, you are not, a'n't you?" said Murphy, seizing me by one of my ears,which he pulled so unmercifully that he altered the shape of it veryconsiderably, making it something like the lee-board of a Dutch schuyt.
This was not to be borne; though, as I was but thirteen, he seventeen,and a very stout fellow, I should rather not have sought an action withhim. But he had begun it; my honour was at stake, and I only wonder Ihad not drawn my dirk, and laid him dead at my feet. Fortunately forhim, the rage I was in made me forget I had it by my side: though Iremembered my uniform, the disgrace brought upon it, and the admirationof the chambermaid, as well as the salute of the sentinel; all whichformed a combustible in my brain. I went off like a flash, and dartedmy fist (the only weapon I had been most accustomed to wield) into theleft eye of my adversary, with a force and precision which Cribb wouldhave applauded. Murphy staggered back with the blow, and for a moment Iflattered myself he had had enough of it.
But no--alas, this was a day of disappointments! he had only retreatedto take a spring; he then came on me like the lifeguards at Waterloo,and his charge was irresistible. I was upset, pummelled, thumped,kicked, and should probably have been the subject of a coroner's inquesthad not the waiter and chambermaid run in to my rescue. The tongue ofthe latter was particularly active in my favour: unluckily for me, shehad no other weapon near her, or it would have gone hard with Murphy."Shame!" said she, "for such a great lubberly creature to beat such apoor, little, innocent, defenceless fellow as that. What would hismamma say to see him treated so?"
"Damn his mamma, and you too," said Pat, "look at my eye."
"Damn your eye," said the waiter: "it's a pity he had not served theother one the same way; no more than you deserve for striking a child;the boy is game, and that's more than you are; he is worth as many ofyou as will stand between this and the iron chair at Barbican."
"I'd like to see him duck'd in it," said the maid.
While this was going on, I had resumed my defensive attitude. I hadnever once complained, and had gained the good-will of all thebystanders, among whom now appeared my captain and his friends. Theblood was streaming from my mouth, and I bore the marks of disciplinefrom the superior prowess of my enemy, who was a noted pugilist for hisage, and would not have received the hit from me, if he had supposed mypresumption would have led me to attack him. The captain demanded anexplanation. Murphy told the story in his own way, and gave anythingbut the true version. I could have beaten him at that, but truthanswered my purpose better than falsehood on this occasion; so, as soonas he had done, I gave my round unvarnished tale, and although defeatedin the field, I plainly saw that I had the advantage of him in thecabinet. Murphy was dismissed in disgrace, and ordered to rusticate onboard till his eye was bright.
"I should have confined you to the ship myself," said the captain, "butthe boy has done it for me; you cannot appear on shore with that blackeye."
As soon as he was gone, I was admonished to be more careful in future."You are," said the captain, "like a young bear; all your sorrows arebefore you; if you give a blow for every hard name you receive, yourfate in the service may be foreseen: if weak you will be pounded to amummy--if strong, you will be hated. A quarrelsome disposition willmake you enemies in every rank you may attain; you will be watched witha jealous eye, well knowing, as we all do, that the same spirit ofinsolence and overbearing which you show in the cockpit, will follow youto the quarter-deck, and rise with you in the service. This advice isfor your own good; not that I interfere in these things, as everybodyand everything finds its level in a man-of-war; I only wish you to drawa line between resistance against oppression, which I admire andrespect, and a litigious, uncompromising disposition, which I despise.Now wash your face and go on board. Try by all means to conciliate therest of your mess-mates, for first impressions are everything, and relyon it, Murphy's report will not be in your favour."
This advice was very good, but had the disadvantage of coming too latefor that occasion by at least half an hour. The fracas was owing to thecaptain's mismanagement, and the manners and customs of the navy at thebeginning of the nineteenth century. The conversation at the tables ofthe higher ranks of the service in those days, unless ladies werepresent, was generally such as a boy could not listen to without injuryto his better feelings. I was therefore "hinted off;" but with duerespect to my captain, who is still living, I should have been sent onboard of my ship and cautioned against the bad habits of the natives ofNorth Corner and Barbican; and if I could not be admitted to themysterious conversation of a captain's table, I should have been told ina clear and decided manner to depart, without the needless puzzle of aninnuendo which I did not and could not understand.
I returned on board about eight o'clock, where Murphy had gone beforeme, and prepared a reception far from agreeable. Instead of beingwelcomed to my berth, I was received with coldness, and I returned tothe quarter-deck, where I walked till I was weary, and then leanedagainst a gun. From this temporary alleviation, I was roused by a voiceof thunder, "Lean off that gun." I started up, touched my hat, andcontinued my solitary walk, looking now and then at the secondlieutenant, who had thus gruffly addressed me. I felt a dejection ofspirits, a sense of destitution and misery, which I cannot describe. Ihad done no wrong, yet I was suffering as if I had committed a crime. Ihad been aggrieved, and had vindicated myself as well as I could. Ithought I was among devils, and not men; my thoughts turned homeward. Iremembered my poor mother in her agony of grief on the sofa; and myunfeeling heart then found that it needed the soothings of affection. Icould have wept, but I knew not where to go; for I could not be seen tocry on board of ship. My pride began to be humbled. I felt the miseryof dependence, although not wanting pecuniary resources; and would havegiven up all my prospects to have been once more seated quietly at home.
The first lieutenant came on board soon after, and I heard him relatingmy adventure to the second lieutenant. The tide now evidently turned inmy favour. I was invited down to the gun-room; and having givensatisfactory answers to all the questions put to me, Flyblock was sentfor, and I was once more placed under his protection. The patronage ofthe first lieutenant, I flattered myself, would have ensured me at leastcommon civility for a short time.
I had now more leisure to contemplate my new residence and newassociates, who, having returned from the duty of the dockyard, were allassembled in the berth, seated round the table on the lockers, whichpaid "the double debt" of seats and receptacles; but in order to obtaina sitting, it was requisite either to climb over the backs of thecompany, or submit to "high pressure" from the last comer. Such closecontact, even with our best friends, is never desirable; but in warmweather, in a close, confined air, with a manifest scarcity of cleanlinen, it became particularly inconvenient. The population here veryfar exceeded the limits usually allotted to human beings in anysituation of life except in a slave-ship. The midshipmen, of whom therewere eight full grown, and four youngsters, were without either jacketsor waistcoats; some of them had their shirt-sleev
es rolled up, either toprevent the reception or to conceal the absorption of dirt in the regionof the wristbands. The repast on the table consisted of a can or largeblack-jack of small beer, and a japan bread-basket, full of sea-biscuit.To compensate for this simple fare, and at the same time to cool theclose atmosphere of the berth, the table was covered with a large greencloth with a yellow border, and many yellow spots withal, where thecolour had been discharged by slops of vinegar, hot tea, etcetera,etcetera; a sack of potatoes stood in one corner, and the shelves allround, and close over our heads, were stuffed with plates, glasses,quadrants, knives and forks, loaves of sugar, dirty stockings andshirts, and still fouler table-cloths, small tooth-combs, and dittolarge, clothes brushes and shoe brushes, cocked-hats, dirks, Germanflutes, mahogany writing-desks, a plate of salt butter, and some two orthree pairs of naval half-boots. A single candle served to makedarkness visible, and the stench had nearly overpowered me.
The reception I met with tended in no way to relieve these horribleimpressions. A black man, with no other dress than a dirty check shirtand trousers, not smelling of amber, stood within the door, ready toobey all and any one of the commands with which he was loaded. Thesmell of the towel he held in his hand to wipe the plates and glasseswith, completed my discomfiture; and I fell sick upon the seat nearestat me. Recovering from this, without the aid of any "ministeringangel," I contracted the pupils of my eyes, and ventured to look aroundme. The first who met my gaze, was my recent foe; he bore the marks ofcontention by having his eye bound up with brown paper and a dirty silkpocket-handkerchief; the other was quickly turned on me; and, with asavage and brutal countenance, he swore and denounced the severestvengeance on me for what I had done. In this, he was joined by anotherill-looking fellow, with large whiskers.
I shall not repeat the elegant philippics with which I was greeted.Suffice it to say that I found all the big ones against me, and thelittle ones neuter; the caterer, supposing I had received suitableadmonition for my future guidance, and that I was completely bound overto keep the peace, turned all the youngsters out of the berth. "As foryou, Mr Fistycuff," said he, addressing himself to me, "you may walkoff with the rest of the gang, so make yourself scarce, like theHighlander's breeches."
The boys all obeyed the command in silence, and I was not sorry tofollow them. As I went out he added, "So, Mr Rumbusticus, you can obeyorders, I see, and it is well for you; for I had a biscuit ready to shyat your head." This affront, after all I had suffered, I was forced topocket; but I could not understand what the admiral could mean, when hesaid that people went to sea "to learn manners."
I soon made acquaintance with the younger set of my mess-mates, and weretreated to the forecastle as the only part of the ship suitable to thenature of the conversation we intended to hold. After one hour'sdeliberation, and notwithstanding it was the first night I had ever beenon board a ship, I was unanimously elected leader of this little band.I became the William Tell of the party, as having been the first toresist the tyranny of the oldsters, and especially of the tyrant Murphy.I was let into all the secrets of the mess in which the youngsters wereplaced by the captain to be instructed and kept in order. Alas! whatinstruction did we get but blasphemy? What order were we kept in,except that of paying our mess, and being forbidden to partake of thosearticles which our money had purchased? My blood boiled when theyrelated all they had suffered, and I vowed I would sooner die thansubmit to such treatment.
The hour of bed-time arrived. I was instructed how to get into myhammock, and laughed at for tumbling out on the opposite side. I wasforced to submit to this pride of conscious superiority of theseurchins, who could only boast of a few month's more practical experiencethan myself, and who, therefore, called me a greenhorn. But all thiswas done in good-nature; and, after a few hearty laughs from mycompanions, I gained the centre of my suspended bed, and was very soonin a sound sleep. This was only allowed to last till about four o'clockin the morning, when down came the head of my hammock, and I fell to thedeck with my feet still hanging in the air, like poor Sally, when shecaught the crab. Stunned and stupefied by the fall, bewildered by theviolent concussion and the novelty of all around me, I continued in astate of somnambulism, and it was some minutes before I could recollectmyself.
The marine sentinel at the gun-room door, seeing what had happened, andalso espying the person to whom I was indebted for this favour, verykindly came to my assistance. He knotted my lanyard, and restored myhammock to its place; but he could not persuade me to confide myselfagain to such treacherous bedposts, for I thought the rope had broken;and so strongly did the fear of another tumble possess my mind, that Itook a blanket, and lay down on a chest at some little distance, keepinga sleepless eye directed to the scene of my late disaster.
This was fortunate; for not many minutes had elapsed, when Murphy, whohad been relieved from the middle-watch, came below, and seeing myhammock again hanging up, and supposing me in it, took out his knife andcut it down. "So then," said I to myself, "it was you, was it, whoinvaded my slumbers, and nearly dashed my brains out, and have now madethe second attempt." I vowed to Heaven that I would have revenge; and Iacquitted myself of that vow. Like the North American savage, crouchinglest he should see me, I waited patiently till he had got into hishammock, and was in a sound sleep. I then gently pushed a shot-caseunder the head of his hammock, and placed the corner of it so as toreceive his head; for had it split his skull I should not have cared, soexasperated was I, and so bent on revenge. Subtile and silent, I thencut his lanyard: he fell, and his head coming in contact with the edgeof the shot-case, he gave a deep groan, and there he lay. I instantlyretreated to my chest and blanket, where I pretended to snore, while thesentinel, who, fortunately for me, had seen Murphy cut me down the firsttime, came with his lanthorn, and seeing him apparently dead, removedthe shot-case out of the way, and then ran to the sergeant of marines,desiring him to bring the surgeon's assistant.
While the sergeant was gone, he whispered softly to me, "Lie still; Isaw the whole of it, and if you are found out, it may go hard with you."Murphy, it appeared, had few friends in the ship; all rejoiced at hisaccident. I laid very quietly in my blanket while the surgeon'sassistant dressed the wound; and, after a considerable time, succeededin restoring the patient to his senses: he was, however, confined afortnight to his bed. I was either not suspected, or, if I was, it wasknown that I was not the aggressor. The secret was well kept. I gavethe marine a guinea, and took him into my service as _valet de place_.
And now, reader, in justice to myself, allow me to make a few remarks.They may serve as a palliative, to a certain degree, for thatunprincipled career which the following pages will expose. The passionsof pride and revenge, implanted in our fallen natures, and which, if noteradicated in the course of my education, ought, at least, to have laindormant as long as possible, were, through the injudicious conduct ofthose to whom I had been entrusted, called into action and full activityat a very early age. The moral seeds sown by my parents, which mighthave germinated and produced fruit, were not watered or attended to;weeds had usurped their place, and were occupying the ground whichshould have supported them; and at this period, when the most assiduouscultivation was necessary to procure a return, into what a situation wasI thrown? In a ship crowded with three hundred men, each of them, ornearly so, cohabiting with an unfortunate female, in the lowest state ofdegradation; where oaths and blasphemy interlarded every sentence; wherereligion was wholly neglected, and the only honour paid to the Almightywas a clean shirt on a Sunday; where implicit obedience to the will ofan officer was considered of more importance than the observance of theDecalogue; and the Commandments of God were in a manner abrogated by theArticles of War--for the first might be broken with impunity, and evenwith applause, while the most severe punishment awaited any infractionof the latter.
So much for the ship in the aggregate; let us now survey themidshipmen's berth. Here we found the same language and the samemanners, with scarcely one
shade more of refinement. Their onlypursuits, when on shore, were intoxication and worse debauchery, to begloried in and boasted of when they returned on board. My captain saidthat everything found its level in a man of war. True; but in amidshipman's berth it was the level of a savage, where corporal strengthwas the _sine qua non_, and decided whether you were to act the part ofa tyrant or a slave. The discipline of public schools, bad anddemoralising as it is, was light, compared to the tyranny of amidshipman's berth in 1803.
A mistaken notion has long prevailed, that boys derive advantages fromsuffering under the tyranny of their oppressors at schools; and weconstantly hear the praises of public schools and midshipmen's berths onthis very account--namely, "that boys are taught to find their level."I do not mean to deny but that the higher orders improve by collisionwith their inferiors, and that a young aristocrat is often brought tohis senses by receiving a sound thrashing from the son of a tradesman.But he that is brought up a slave, will be a tyrant when he has thepower; the worst of our passions are nourished to inflict the same evilon others which we boast of having suffered ourselves. The courage anddaring spirit of a noble-minded boy is rather broken down by ill-usagewhich he has not the power to resist, or, surmounting all this, heproudly imbibes a dogged spirit of sullen resistance and implacablerevenge; which become the bane of his future life.
The latter was my fate; and let not my readers be surprised or shocked,if, in the course of these adventures; I should display some of thefruits of that fatal seed, so early and so profusely sown in my bosom.If, on my first coming into the ship, I shrank back with horror at thesound of blasphemy and obscenity--if I shut my eyes to the promiscuousintercourse of the sexes, it was not so long. By insensible degrees, Ibecame familiarised by vice, and callous to its approach. In a fewmonths I had become nearly as corrupt as others. I might indeed haveresisted longer; but though the fortress of virtue could have held outagainst open violence, it could not withstand the undermining ofridicule. My young companions, who, as I have observed, had onlypreceded me six months in the service, were already grown old indepravity; they laughed at my squeamishness, called me, "milksop" and"boarding-school miss," and soon made me as bad as themselves. We hadnot quite attained the age of perpetration, but we were fully preparedto meet it when it came.
I had not been two days on board, when the youngsters proposed a walkinto the main top. I mounted the rigging with perfect confidence, for Iwas always a good climber; but I had not proceeded far, when I wasovertaken by the captain of the top and another man, who, without anyceremony or preface, seized me by each arm, and very deliberately lashedme fast in the rigging. They laughed at my remonstrance. I asked whatthey meant, and the captain of the top said very civilly, taking off hishat at the same time, "that it was the way all gemmen were sarved whenthey first went aloft; and I must pay my footing as a bit of aparkazite." I looked down to the quarter-deck for assistance, but everyone there was laughing at me and even the very little rogues ofmidshipmen who had enticed me up were enjoying the joke. Seeing thiswas the case, I only asked what was to pay. The captain of the top saida seven shilling bit would be thought handsome. This I promise to give,and was released on my own recognisances. When I reached thequarter-deck I paid the money.
Having experienced nothing but cruelty and oppression since I had beenon board, I sorely repented of coming to sea; my only solace was seeingMurphy, as he lay in his hammock, with his head bound up. This was abalm to me. "I bide my time," said I; "I will yet be revenged on all ofyou;" and so I was. I let none escape: I had them all in their turns,and glutted my thirst for revenge.
I had been three weeks on board, when the ship was reported ready forsea. I had acquired the favour of the first lieutenant by a constantattention to the little duties he gave me to perform. I had been putinto a watch, and stationed in the fore-top, and quartered at theforemast guns on the main deck. I was told by the youngsters that thefirst lieutenant was a harsh officer, and implacable when once he took adislike; his manners, however, even when under the greatest excitement,were always those of a perfect gentleman, and I continued living on goodterms with him. But with the second lieutenant I was not so fortunate.He had ordered me to take the jolly-boat and bring off a women whom hekept; I remonstrated and refused, and from that moment we never werefriends.
Murphy had also recovered from his fall, and returned to his duty; hismalice towards me increased, and I had no peace or comfort in hispresence. One day he threw a biscuit at my head, calling me at the sametime a name which reflected on the legitimacy of my birth, in languagethe most coarse and vulgar. In a moment all the admonitions which I hadreceived, and all my sufferings for impetuosity of temper, wereforgotten; the blood boiled in my veins, and trickled from my woundedforehead. Dizzy, and almost sightless with rage, I seized a brasscandlestick, the bottom of which (to keep it steady at sea) was loadedwith lead, and threw it at him with all my might; had it taken effect asI intended, that offence would have been his last. It missed his head,and struck the black servant on the shoulder; the poor man went howlingto the surgeon, in whose care he remained for many days.
Murphy started up to take instant vengeance, but was held by the otherseniors of the mess, who unanimously declared that such an offence asmine should be punished in a more solemn manner. A mock trial (withoutadverting to the provocation I had received) found me guilty ofinsubordination "to the oldsters," and setting a bad example to theyoungsters. I was sentenced to be _cobbed_ with a worsted stockingfilled with wet sand. I was held down on my face to the mess-table byfour stout midshipmen; the surgeon's assistant held my wrist, toascertain if my pulse indicated exhaustion; while Murphy, at his ownparticular request, became the executioner. Had it been any other buthim, I should have given vent to my agonising pain by screams; but likea sullen Ebo, I was resolved to endure even to death, rather thangratify him by any expression of pain. After a most severe punishment,a cold sweat and faintness alarmed the surgeon's assistant. I was thenreleased, but ordered to mess on my chest for a fortnight by myself. Assoon as I was able to stand, and had recovered my breath, I declared inthe most solemn manner, that a repetition of the offence should producethe action for which I had suffered, and I would then appeal to thecaptain for justice "and," said I, turning to Murphy, "it was I who cutdown your hammock, and had very nearly knocked out your brains. I didit in return for your cowardly attack on me; and I will do it again, ifI suffer martyrdom for it; for every act of tyranny you commit I willhave revenge. Try me now, and see if I am not as good as my word." Hegrinned, and turned pale, but dared do no more, for he was a coward. Iwas ordered to quit the berth, which I did, and as I went out one of themates observed that I was "a proper malignant devil, by God."
This violent scene produced a sort of cessation from hostilities.Murphy knew that he might expect a decanter at his head or a knife inhis side, if I was provoked; and that peace which I could not gain fromhis compassion, I obtained from his fears. The affair made a noise inthe ship. With the officers in the gun-room I lost ground, because itwas misrepresented. With the men I gained favour, because they hatedMurphy. They saw the truth, and admired me for my determinedresistance.
Sent to Coventry by the officers, I sought the society of the men. Ilearned rapidly the practical part of my duty, and profited by theuncouth criticism of these rough warriors on the defective seamanship oftheir superiors. A sort of compact was made between us: they promisedthat whenever they deserted, it should not be from my boat when on duty,and I promised to let them go and drink at public-houses as long as Icould spare them. In spite, however, of this mutual understanding, twoof them violated their faith the night before we went to sea, and leftthe boat of which I had charge; and as I had disobeyed orders in lettingthem go into a public-house, I was, on my return to the ship, dismissedfrom the quarter-deck, and ordered to do my duty in the fore-top.