He sighed. “You have to know how that sounds.”
“Yes. Like I love you.”
“Sam.”
“Yes, Justin.”
“Two minutes.”
“Ten.”
“One.”
“Five.”
“None.”
“Shhhh. It’s okay. I know you have to act a certain way but that you wish we were alone so you could hug me back and not let me go for a long time. It’s okay. I got you. I got you, Justin.”
“I don’t wish we were alone, you ridiculous cretin. In fact, this hug is over. Ryan, take this thing off me before I skewer it where it stands.”
“I’m feeling so many things right now,” I announced as Ryan somehow managed to pry me from the Prince, who gave a haughty sniff before moving toward the stage.
“You’re an idiot,” Ryan told me, but he sounded rather fond.
I shrugged. “Sometimes. But you notice how Justin didn’t shove me off right away? And he hugged me when you guys got back to the camp. My plan is working.”
“And what plan is that?” Ryan asked as he pulled my chair out for me. I couldn’t even be bothered to give him shit for it because I was ridiculously charmed.
“To wear him down until he can no longer say no to me. It’s a good plan.”
“It sounds like you’re committing a serious crime.”
“Fine line, Foxheart. You gotta learn how to walk it.”
“Hi, Sam!”
I turned to see Tiggy waving furiously at me from farther down the table.
I waved back just as hard, because when a half-giant expends that much energy in a greeting, it means you are loved. I wished we had been seated next to them, but I understood that wasn’t always going to be the case. I was, as Justin pointed out with rapturous joy, his wizard now, which meant my position was by his side. I had a job to do, and I was going to make sure Justin didn’t regret me too much.
Ryan took his seat next to me, his armor bulky and uncomfortable-looking, though he’d had years of experience with it. Terry batted his eyelashes and whispered a greeting to Ryan that was meant to be innocent but made me want to punch him in the eye, because honestly.
Justin took the stage as we turned our chairs toward him, and the music came to an end with a grating flourish. The people of Camp HaveHeart began to cheer at the sight of their Prince. It roared over us like a crashing wave, and I was surprised at the sheer ferocity of it. Even Justin looked taken aback, mouth dropping open as his subjects cheered for him, as the knights guarding the stage turned as one, curling their right hands into fists and pressing them against the left sides of their chests as they bowed.
It went on and on and on, until Justin finally raised his hands to quiet the crowd. They complied, and the knights guarding the stage turned back around, snapping to attention.
“Thank you,” Justin said, voice carrying over the feast. “I didn’t expect… that from you. I don’t know why I didn’t. I should have. You are my subjects. You’re—no. Not just my subjects. You’re my people and I’m your Prince, and I should have expected that you would care for me as much as I care for all of you.”
“We love you, Justin!” a woman screamed. “Wooo!”
Justin looked startled at that, and his face broke into a rare smile. In that moment he looked so much like his father. “Thank you,” he said, chuckling. “That’s… very nice of you to say. I, uh… I’m not very good at this. As I’m sure you can tell. My father, he—um. He’s great at this sort of thing. More than anyone I’ve ever known. He taught me everything, and if I am any sort of success, if I become even half the king he is, then know it’s because of him.”
“To the King!” another voice cried out, followed by hundreds of voices repeating it over and over again. Mugs were raised, and men and women alike wiped tears from their faces.
“To the King,” Justin echoed as the cheers died down. “To the King, because we are Verania, and King Anthony belongs to all of us. He’s… a prisoner of war now. Taken from us by a man who wants to separate us, to make us weak. That’s what this man thinks he’s done. And maybe it started out that way. We lost many things. Our homes. Our friends. Our family. Meridian City. The City of Lockes.” He glanced at Vadoma. “Mashallaha, the home of our gypsy brethren, many of whom have been enslaved by the Dark wizards who came for us in a moment of great mourning.”
The crowd was completely silent, and even though I stared straight ahead, it felt like all eyes were on me.
Justin looked down at his hands and shook his head. “I wish… I wish I had stood here on this stage long before now. I should have been the prince you needed and, instead of trying to greet you in passing, spoken to you as one. We lost much to this… man. This Dark wizard. He took Morgan of Shadows from us all.” He looked back up at the crowd, jaw tense, gaze steely. “I’m afraid of many things. I’m afraid for you. For my father. For our future. But I am not afraid of him. And I am not afraid to say his name. There is only one person to blame. One person who has brought his fury down upon us. One person who attempts to take all that you hold dear. And his name is Myrin.”
The crowd sighed as one, and gooseflesh prickled along my arms and the back of my neck.
“His name is Myrin, and he is the enemy of Verania. And the gods knew of him, knew what he was capable of. They knew what was coming, and in the end, chose one of us to rise against the dark.”
“Oh no,” I whispered. “That bastard.”
“He knows what he’s doing,” Ryan said, breath hot against my ear. “You need to trust him in this.”
“As you know, Sam of Wilds has returned to us, after… communing in the Dark Woods with the dragons of Verania.”
Communing, I mouthed furiously, and I swore I saw Justin’s lips twitch.
“Except he is no longer Sam of Wilds, apprentice to the King’s Wizard. He is now Sam of Dragons, wizard. And if I have my say, if what I hope will come to fruition, then he will serve my father as the King’s Wizard for a long time to come. And once I am called upon to take the crown, I hope he will serve me just the same.”
The crowd erupted again, and Justin stared down at me defiantly, as if daring me to speak against him.
Instead I chose to sputter. I was going to give him so much shit later.
“But we cannot be dependent upon one person,” Justin continued, “even if he has been chosen by the gods. Each of us must contribute if we’re to have any hope of returning Verania to the way it once was. And I believe we can, because I believe in all of you. So while we now have the advantage of our wizard, we must all rise against the Dark before the country we know and love becomes mired in shadow. We will take back what is ours, I promise you. I am your Prince, yes, but I am also one of you. They have taken just as much from me as they have from you. And I will not stand for it any longer.”
The crowd cheered their approval.
“He’s going to make a noble king,” I muttered.
“I think so too,” Ryan said. “And you’re not going to do so bad yourself.”
“Gee, thanks. That was heartwarming.”
“Still pissed at you. Take what you can get.”
“Oh, I’ll take it all right. And then you’re gonna get it, mark my words.”
He shivered a little.
I grinned.
“Now,” Justin said, sounding more annoyed, “before we continue, I’m told there is an… entertainer here who would like to perform a song he says he created just today.”
I frowned. Why did that sound familiar? Ryan just shrugged at my questioning look, so I turned my gaze farther down the table to see Tiggy and Gary whispering to each other. They must have felt me staring at them, because they immediately quieted and grinned at me like they knew something I didn’t.
Justin looked like he had just sucked on a rather juicy lemon when he said, “Ladies and gentleman, I give you… Zal the Magnificent.”
Those. Fucking. Assholes.
The people
of Camp HaveHeart lost their damn minds.
I started to rise from my seat, but Ryan tightened his grip on my hand. “Sit down.”
“Did you know about this?” I growled at him, trying to jerk my arm away so I could go and beat down a hornless unicorn and a half-giant.
“Absolutely,” he said, not even having the decency to look contrite. “Why do you think I kept you away all afternoon? Gary and Tiggy didn’t want to take the chance of you running into him and ruining the surprise.”
“The surprise? Do you know how long it’s taken me to get that godsdamned song out of my head? Years, Ryan. It has taken years.”
He shrugged. “I thought it was kind of nice.”
I gaped at him. “You thought ‘Cheesy Dicks and Candlesticks’ was nice?”
“If it makes you feel any better,” Lady Tina said from my left, “I hate the song too.”
“Thank you, Lady Tina,” I said. “At least someone here is in their right mind, even if it happens to be my mortal enemy.”
“You’re welcome.”
I turned slowly to stare at her. “Don’t push it.”
I heard snickering farther down the table and saw Gary and Tiggy looking inordinately pleased with themselves. Making sure they were watching, I pointed at them, then drew a finger across my neck before miming gouts of blood shooting out from my throat.
“We’re, like, six people away,” Gary said. “We can hear you just fine.”
I blinked. “Oh. Right. Sorry. Okay. So, in case you couldn’t tell what I just did, I am going to slit your throats, and all your blood is going to come out onto the ground and stuff. It’s going to be super violent and really gross, and I hate you guys so much.”
“No hate,” Tiggy said, frowning at me. “Hating is bad. Not nice.”
If you’ve ever been rebuked by a darling half-giant, then you know it feels like getting hit in the chest with all the feelings in the world. “Sorry, Tiggy,” I muttered.
“Thank you.”
“I’m still going to have my revenge.”
“Silly Sam, cheesy dicks are for everyone.”
And then Zal the Magnificent took the stage.
He didn’t look any different than when we’d stumbled into his tavern on our quest to save the Prince from the evil dragon. The bard was a tall, thin man with a goatee that wouldn’t look out of place on a villain who monologued everyone in their immediate vicinity to death. His dark hair was pulled back into a ponytail, and his clothes were dusty and travel-weary, as if he’d been on the road for a long time. But he had that same wicked smile on his face, and he carried the same oak lute he’d had in the tavern.
“You know what?” I said, starting to rise again. “This has been fun, but I think I’m going to—”
“Terry!” Gary screeched. “Now!”
“Do I have to?” he sighed.
“Yes!”
I frowned at him. “What are you going to—oh my gods, no, please don’t—”
But it was far too late, because Terry had already charged at me, spun around, and sat in my lap.
“Why,” I wheezed as the chair creaked beneath me. “Why… is your… whole family… like this?”
“This wasn’t my idea,” Terry muttered. “In fact, I absolutely refused. Then Gary reminded me about the whole horn thing, and I had no choice.”
“I have had… so many… unicorn assholes… on my person.”
“Oh please,” Gary said with a sniff. “You know what they say about a unicorn’s backside. Touch a unicorn’s ass, and the world will love you en masse.”
“No one… says that. Literally… no one.”
“I heard it before,” Tiggy said. “From Gary.”
“You guys are so embarrassing,” Terry muttered.
“You’re the one… sitting on me.”
“If it makes you feel any better, I don’t want to be.”
“Ryan… help me.”
“Nah. I’m good.”
“You… bastard.”
“Most likely.”
“Camp HaveHeart, how we doing tonight?” Zal cried.
Camp HaveHeart was apparently doing very well, if the sound they made gave any indication.
“I hope you’re enjoying your evening here. But since this is essentially a refugee camp as our homes have been taken away from us, you’re probably not having very much fun at all.”
The crowd laughed.
“He’s so right!” a voice called out. “I’m laughing, but I’m also dying a little on the inside!”
“He’s… repeating… material,” I managed to say. “Not… funny… the second time….”
“But we are truly in the presence of greatness tonight, aren’t we? I am thrilled to have been invited by the emissaries to the Prince of Verania, General Gary and Major Tiggy. Give them a hand, folks, won’t you?”
“General and Major?” Justin said, standing next to the stage. “What the hell—”
Gary stood up taller next to Tiggy, flipping his mane unnecessarily. “Thank you,” he said to the smattering of applause. “Just happy to be here. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, please. Stop. I didn’t actually mean stop. My gods, do none of you know what humble looks like? A lost cause, all of you.”
“I like pine cones,” Tiggy said, waving jovially at the crowd.
“Yes, yes, if there has ever been a more capable duo, then I’ve never met them,” Zal said. “Granted, I’ve never met any other unicorn or half-giant, so I could be completely wrong.”
“Wow, we didn’t pay you to insult us,” Gary said loudly. “Only Sam.”
“Funny, that,” Zal said. “You haven’t yet paid me at all. But! I digress. Before we move on to the main event, please enjoy this brief word from our sponsor, which helps to pay the bills since unicorns are apparently cheap as all hell.”
“Excuse you, you strange whore!”
Zal exited stage left, and that same godsdamn man who’d been with the bard the first time with the same godsdamn receding hairline walked onto the stage, looking bored as he frowned down at the dirty piece of parchment in his hands. When he spoke, his voice was as monotonous as ever. “Does your life seem as if it has lost any and all meaning? Is your plumbing backed up? Do you wake up in the middle of the night screaming because of the shadow monster on the ceiling that is about to descend and feast on your innards? If you answered yes to any of those questions, then have I got some great news for you. Dr. Troy’s Amazing Elixir for Depression, Constipation, and Defenestration. Just one sip and your life will be bright, your bowels will be tight, and you’ll be able to sleep all through the night. Dr. Troy’s Amazing Elixir for Depression, Constipation, and Defenestration. Buy it today.” He dropped his voice and spoke rapidly. “Dr. Troy is under royal decree to disclose that he is not a real doctor, has never been to medical school, and makes the elixir in his shack in the woods. It should not be consumed by children, pregnant women, or really anyone who doesn’t want to run the risk of learning what it feels like to have their insides pour to their outsides from every available orifice. It can be given to animals, but be advised that it will drive them mad and they will attack you until you are nothing but a pile of bone and gristle and regret.”
He scurried off the stage.
“I… hate… everyone,” I hissed out.
“I’m having such a wonderful time,” Gary said. “Tiggy. Oh, Tiggy. Are you having a wonderful time?”
“Eh,” Tiggy said. “Feels like unnecessary rehash.”
“I suppose,” Gary said. “But everything is so different now, you know there are going to be people who complain when things aren’t exactly like they used to be.”
“What… the hell… are you talking… about?”
Gary flipped his mane prettily. “Never you mind. Oh, look! Zal is back. What fun this is going to be!”
“Your brother weighs less than you,” I snarled.
“You bitch! Why, if I wasn’t already sitting down to hear whatever mess is going to pour fro
m the bard’s mouth, you’d be dead. You hear me, Haversford? Dead.”
“Thank you, Jerome,” Zal said, strumming his lute. “You are a beacon of beauty in a darkened world.”
Jerome curled his hand into a fist and moved it up and down quickly, rolling his eyes.
“Indeed!” Zal said. “Now, I haven’t been to the Port in ages, and I see it still smells like fishy death. Don’t ever change, you hear me? I mean, why would you when you can literally taste the thick seafood fog in the air?”
“Thank you!” someone called out in the crowd. “That’s very kind of you!”
“I know,” Zal said easily. “But I must admit I didn’t have plans to stay here. After all, when one’s country has been taken over by Dark wizards, one tends to keep on moving, especially when one is a bard, as everyone knows a bard is most likely one of the most highly sought-after individuals in the country at the moment.”
“Bards are the worst,” I ground out, sure that my face was turning blue.
“But just as soon as Jerome and I were about to pass this place right on by, who did I hear shrieking delightfully after me but my old friends Gary and Tiggy, who I met ages ago in a tiny little hamlet that somehow managed to avoid eradication by Dark wizards. But that’s only because no one actually wants to go there.”
Silence. Well, until someone coughed.
“Yeesh,” Zal said, completely unaffected. “Tough crowd. Moving on. I was told by Gary and Tiggy that our savior had returned to us after a long and arduous absence, and that is something I had to see for myself.” He grinned down at me as I flailed, trying to move Terry’s fat ass. “Sam! How lovely of you to make an appearance. Things have certainly changed since last we met. Once you were on a quest to save a prince, and now you’re tasked with saving the world. Talk about a promotion. How are you feeling tonight?”
“Like I’m being suffocated!”
“Fantastic,” he said. “We have a saying where I’m from.” He strummed his lute again. “We travel far, we travel long, stories told through ale and song.”
“Yaaaayyyy,” a man in the audience said.
“Now, we know my skills with the lute are unique,” Zal said, and I figured now was as good a time as any to let myself die. “My voice has been called melodious and on fleek. Now I shall sing you a song banned from all holy Masses. Ladies and gentlemen, the Grand Prince of Verania, I give you… ‘Dark Wizards Can Kiss Our Asses.’”