Chapter 9
Hope
I was sinking deeper and deeper into the ravaging darkness. The voices around me had now turned into whispers and sobs. I felt weaker everyday. But I was welcoming death, I craved for it.
Then the most unexpected thing happened to pull me out of the blackness I was so eagerly subsiding into. I remember hearing a distant, familiar voice in my ear. It was a voice of the past, a voice full of memories. I was not sure whose voice it was. I only was aware of whose voice I wanted it to be.
‘Emma?’ the musical voice whispered to my ear. ‘It’s Tom. If you can hear me, just squeeze my hand.’
He slid his warm hand under my cold fingers.
Tom? A whole slew of images filled my mind instantly; beautiful faces laughing, a glass of a cool drink under the relaxing plash of waves, the warmth of the summer night, an angry, warning voice on a porch, deep blue eyes. Life. Christopher. I had to respond to this request.
I put all my strength in my hand and managed to move my fingers only for a split of a second.
The Crusader sighed in my ear. Then he spoke slowly, stressing each word carefully, as if he was talking to a child.
‘You must fight this Emma. Don’t give up. We need you to come back. We need you to save Christopher. Do it for him. Not everything is lost, yet. When you are back on your feet, if you still love him, come to us, try to find us. We will be waiting for you.’
He drew his hand back, slowly, but I felt something among my fingers. Something he had left for me. I tried hard to feel it, I had to open my eyes and see. I concentrated on it, repeating to myself that I had to wake up. I had so many questions to ask him.
Voices filled the room again. But they were not so distant anymore.
‘I’ll stay with her tonight. You need to take some rest. Harry is waiting to take you to your hotel.’
Kate must have just walked into the room. If I could talk to her, make her call Tom back.
‘I wanted to say goodnight to her.’ my mother’s weary voice replied.
‘What is this? Kate, there’s something in her hand. I can’t take it from her. She’s… Oh, my god! Kate! She’s clasping it!’ she cried, her voice twisted with anxiety.
‘It’s a photograph. I…don’t believe it! Was someone here?’ Kate asked breathlessly.
‘This young doctor… I’ve never seen him before. He’s just left…’
Kate did not say anything. In a blur, behind my half open eyes, I caught a glimpse of her rushing to the corridor.
‘Emma, darling, you are awake! Oh, my God! You are back! Thank you God, thank you!’ My mother stroked my forehead, with the warmest smile on her face. She looked so beautiful! I tried to smile back but I guess I only managed a weird twist of my lips. Even the slightest movement brought about severe pain to my numb body.
She broke out in tears, pressing her face on my chest, enclosing me in her soft embrace, as if she was afraid I might slip away again.
The doctors were surprised at my remarkable speed of recovery. They said that I had to undergo long-term physiotherapy but I would be on my feet again in a few months.
‘You had us worried, sweetie.’ Kate told me the next day. ‘The doctors told us that you should have woken up a long time ago. They just couldn’t explain why you were still in …such a state. They said you just …gave up.’
She told me I had been unconscious for more than two weeks, which I had found very hard to believe.
‘And it took only a picture to wake you up.’
‘Give it to me.’ I whispered. She took the picture from the bedside table and brought it in front of my face.
It was the photograph of Christopher and me; he was leaning towards me, smiling, so unbelievably handsome. I could recall his exact words at that moment.
‘What’s on your mind?’ he had asked me before the flash of Susan’s camera interrupted us.
It was such bliss to see his face again. I had almost forgotten how beautiful he was. This was the only thing I had left from him, from my Christopher. When would I be strong enough to look for him, as Tom had asked me to do? I was determined to put all my strength into this. I felt warm tears wetting my cheeks.
‘Don’t cry Emma. Please.’ Kate pleaded.
‘I’m …okay’
‘Who was it Emma? Who gave you this? Did he come here?’
‘It …was…Tom.’
‘I see.’ She shook her head, disillusioned. ‘I will never forgive myself for leaving you that night, you know. If I had been there…’
‘It wasn’t your …fault, Kate. Don’t torture yourself. I… would have taken the… car that night… anyway.’
She did not argue that, but I could read on her face the guilt with which she, so undeservedly, faulted herself. I wondered how much Kate knew about that night. As for myself, I could recall all the facts until the accident. The doorbell, Susan’s weird expression, the shooting stars on the laptop screen, Christopher’s name disappearing, my hands clasping the wheel, speeding off…
For the next three weeks it took until the doctors gave their permission to transfer me back to London, I was making remarkable progress day by day. Flowers and stuffed animals from my friends and my tutors constantly decorated my room, making it look friendlier, less stark. I had also received so many cards and letters, that it surprised me to realize how many people had been worried about me.
Kate had insisted on staying in Greece after summer school was over to assist my mother until it was safe for me to travel.
I could not walk yet, as the most of my injuries had been at the lower part of my abdomen and on my spine, at the back of my neck. Had I fastened my seatbelt on that night, I would have suffered much less injury as the doctors said.
But the nightmare was far from over yet, as I soon had to face another blow. It was my mother the one who had to break the news to me this time.
‘Emma, honey, there is something you should know.’ she told me one night, a few days before our departure for London. I put down the book Kate had brought me and looked at her. We had become really close now. Inside the cold walls of the hospital room, I had found the warm, affectionate embrace of my mother, the one I had been missing for thirteen years.
The expression on her face had alarmed me. I knew my mum really well. This was not easy for her.
‘What’s wrong, mum?’ I asked her.
‘I don’t know how to tell you this Emma. There is no easy way. I know you still hurt, so I asked the doctors not to tell you. I wanted you to hear it from me when you would be strong enough.’
‘Now you’re scaring me mum.’ I tried to smile. My only fear was that I would be stuck in the wheel chair, unable to start over, unable to look for him.
My heat pounded. ‘Does it have to do with my…recovery? They told me that in time I will be able to…walk again, right?’
‘This is true, although it mostly depends on you, on the effort you will make to be back on your feet. And your physiotherapist says you have been amazing so far. But that is not what I want to talk to you about. You see, that night, at the crash, you were so badly hurt that the doctors had to …’ she inhaled deeply, ‘Honey, did you know that, at the time of the crash, you were …pregnant?’
No, not that, please God, no! I thought. ‘What?’ I asked her, my eyes wide in horror.
‘I’m sorry sweetheart.’ She took my hand in hers. ‘Sweetie, there have been some…complications. Your injuries were too deep.
There was too much bleeding…You may have… problems in the future.’
I blinked, considering what she was trying to say. ‘You mean I will not be able to have…children? Is that what you mean?’ I asked, my voice distorted from anguish.
‘It will not be impossible, just very difficult.’ she admitted in an unsteady voice.
‘Besides, there are so many ways to have a child today. Science has gone very far in this field. Doctor Matis will talk to you about it tomorrow, so I thought you should be p
repared.’
She stroked my face. What she saw on it made her hug me tenderly. ‘You will get over this. You have to.’ she whispered trying to comfort me, but there was nothing that could ease that new, unexpected pain.
So, I had been carrying his baby, Christopher’s baby, and I had finally lost it! After the first shock I realized I was frozen; I could not breathe, I could not cry anymore, probably because the drugs had served their purpose. I felt so empty, so totally useless. With broken spirit, I put my hand on my abdomen and felt the gauge covering the stitches of the last surgery. I tried to imagine the new life that had tried to grow, despite all the insurmountable obstacles, in my now empty womb.
‘The grandfather’s paradox.’ I whispered, with a bitter smile.
‘What are you talking about honey?’ My mother asked, alarmed.
I shook my head. It all made sense now. How could I bring to the world a baby I had with someone who did not exist, who was not even born in this world? Nature had found the way to work this out.
Strange thoughts filled my mind. How did I become pregnant in the first place? Christopher’s obsession with my safety had him insist on using protection every time we made love. It was so ironic! I felt like someone was playing a sick game with me. Like I was acting in some sort of a puppet theatre and an evil brain was pulling the strings. My initial disappointment about my possibly amputated feminism began to fade away. If I could not have Christopher’s baby, I would never want a child anyway.
‘This man you were involved with.’ my mum said, casting a glance at the photo that Kate had put in a bronze frame. ‘Daugh tried to find him, you know. But he has …disappeared.’
‘I know.’ She looked at me confused.
‘There’s a house. It’s yours. Did you buy it with the sum granted as recompense by the University?’
‘Something like that.’
‘What do you want to do with it darling?’
‘I haven’t thought about it yet.’ I did not want to talk anymore. I wanted to be alone and mourn for my lost love, my lost baby, my lost life. The absurdity of the situation had worn me out. But I could not cry, I could not even think clearly. Damn drugs! I just sat there, frozen, expressionless, suppressing a sorrow that seemed to have curled in the form of a tangle deep in my chest, blocking my breath.
‘Honey, I want you to know that I understand exactly how it feels. I have been there, you know I have.’
‘Mum, please don’t do that!’ I pleaded, as I saw the tears that had started to moist her eyes.
‘No, I need to say this. I know you’re mourning and it’s the right thing to do, for now. But try not to stay in this for too long. I’ve seen what it does and I am terrified at the thought that you may go through the madness I’ve suffered. I’ll be with you all along. I wish I had done this before, before it had gone too far.’
‘It wouldn’t have changed anything.’ I said in a sullen voice, closing my eyes, as I did not want her to read the indescribable sorrow in them.
‘What I mean is you should focus on yourself now. You’re so young, there’s a whole life out there waiting for you. You have your studies, your career, your friends, and, if he really loves you, he will come back.’
‘What if he just can’t? If he wants to but … he has to stay away?’
She looked at me, mystified. There were so many things I could not explain to her, like my sudden decision to give up my dad’s project. Then she raised her head and looked towards the
window, focusing on the darkness, as if she saw something in it that gave her the strength to go on in a stiff voice.
‘Then, you simply try to live with this. And when you are ready, you move on.’
I took the bronze framed photo in my hands. His face was smiling to me. Was he smiling now? I wondered. I had to hold on to this thought, I would have to find him, see his smile again. I knew he needed me. Time was not on my side for once more, but I could wait, I could be patient. I knew that sooner or later we would be even, time and me.
We did not say anything else that night. She stayed next to me until I was asleep.
Next morning I had the most unexpected visit. Colin’s face popped out at the opening of the door, seeming rather circumspect about coming in, probably measuring my reaction.
‘Come in Colin.’ I told him impatiently. He seemed relieved by the tone of my voice. Our last encounter still felt fresh in my memory and I guessed he felt the same. But I had thought it over, deciding it was time to settle things once and for all.
He came to sit next to me and leaned over me to kiss my cheek. I was happy to see him. Lying on this bed for so long, I had plenty of time to reconsider my relationship with certain people like Daugh, Colin, and Don. It is true that a near death experience changes your whole life perspective, so I was no longer angry with them as I could see no point in bearing a grudge against them anymore. The last two both had their reasons for not speaking favorably of my relationship with Christopher, but I could not blame them for my aspirations finally coming to grief.
‘How are you doing?’ he asked examining my face.
‘I’m much better now. You should have seen me a couple of weeks ago.’ I tried to joke.
‘I know. Your mother asked us not to come when you were still…Well, I hear you’re coming back in a few days.’
‘Yes. You shouldn’t have got into so much trouble flying here.’
‘I wanted to help your mother with this whole transfer situation. I wish I could have done more.’
‘You know my mum. She gets really lonesome when she suffers. I’m surprised she’s managed to get on with Kate for so long.’ He looked pleased at my remark, without hiding his dislike for Kate.
He was sitting with his elbows on his knees, leaning slightly forward, his fingers tangled. Suddenly, he seemed very absorbed in them.
‘You know, I really feel very bad about that night. I don’t know what got into me. I am really sorry. Will you please forgive me?’
‘I’ve already forgotten that night Colin.’ That was not exactly true, I had only forgotten the part that involved him.
‘Emma, I know I’ve treated you badly. I’ve done things I’m not proud of. The thought that something… might have happened to you… before I had the chance to apologize…just…drove me crazy. Please, let me be your friend again. I’m not asking for anything more…if that’s what you want.’
I sighed, but part of me was quite relieved, thinking that I should make things clear between us.
‘Colin, you are my friend. You are an important part of my life but…that’s just about that.’ His face stiffened at my last words. He glanced at the photo on my bedside table.
‘So, Tony says you broke up with that guy.’ He waited for my reaction but I did not say anything, so he went on. ‘Said, he left?’
So he was not going to drop this.
‘Yeah, he had to leave.’ This was not a lie, just not the whole truth.
‘Any chance of… relapsing?’ he asked in a bitter manner.
Good as my intention had been towards him, he had started to irritate me. I cast him a warning look. ‘It’s possible.’
‘Well, can I be honest, or you’ll be mad at me?’
‘Let it out.’ I replied wearily. Did we really have to get into this?
‘He was no good for you, Emma. He seemed…too serious about you.’
I looked at him, bemused. He had been well informed. ‘And you think that was bad because…?
‘It’s not necessarily bad. It’s just that you are not in that place yet, are you? I mean, you have plans, your studies, and your career. Do you think a serious relationship is what you need at this point of your life? ’ He noticed my abashed face and went on. ‘I know I’ve made mistakes but…what you and I had was different. We were in the same place, I mean. We still are.’
‘I guess this weird mindset of yours justifies your cheating on me?’
‘I’d never do this to you again, I swear.’
>
‘I thought you said just friends.’
‘I did, only if that’s what you want.’
‘It is.’ I replied in a sullen manner. I lay back closing my eyes and inhaled deeply.
‘Are you okay?’ he asked, apparently concerned.
‘I’m just…tired.’ He stood up instantly.
‘I’ll let you rest then. Can I come tomorrow?’
‘Suit yourself.’ I said, my eyes still closed. I felt him kiss my forehead.
When I opened my eyes he was walking to the door but then the door opened and he came face to face with Kate. She glowered at him with slotted eyes and her voice was sarcastic when she said
‘That’s a surprise! What brings you here Colin?’
‘Good morning Kate.’ he said, ignoring her challenging manner.
‘Why so fast? Is there a girlfriend waiting for you downstairs or did you find the courage to come on your own?’
I pressed my lips tightly to hold back laughter, not only because it would irritate Colin but mostly because it would make my stitches ache. Colin cast her an angry look before he left.
‘Have I missed something?’ I asked her as soon as we were alone.
‘We had a nice chat on the phone the other day. What’s he doing here anyway?’
‘He wanted to apologize.’
‘Oh! That’s a first!’
‘And, he wants to help.’
‘We don’t need any help, didn’t you tell him? Here. I’ve brought you your favorite cookies. You need some extra calories.’ She put a paper box of chocolate chip cookies in front of me, the ones Christopher had offered me a few weeks ago. The image flashed in my mind for a fraction of a second.
‘You were really mellow to him. I thought you would be angry.’
‘I’ve thought it over. One of the benefits of spending too long lying on a bed is thinking too much. I feel the same about Don too.’
‘Don? Did I mention he has called many times but insisted on not bothering you?
‘I know. Mum told me. I’ll see him in London.’ What I had to tell Don could not be said over the phone.
Kate put another biscuit in her mouth before she said casually. ‘We took care of the house yesterday.’ I knew she was talking about Christopher’s house, which now belonged to me. She had it cleaned and locked up. I wondered when I would be ready to go there again, if I would ever be ready. I would probably never be able to stay there without him. The pain would be unbearable.
Harry had bought Susan’s house and he had already moved in with Bessie. He had accepted a job offer by the University of Corinth and had decided to stay in Greece. He and Bessie had offered to take care of Christopher’s house for me.
Kate had been the first to go there after that dreadful night. It turned out that Susan had followed me and had got to me first after the crash. She had called the ambulance and escorted me to hospital. She had stayed there until she was able to contact Kate and Harry. Then, she gave Kate the house keys and disappeared simply saying ‘I’m sorry.’
When Kate got to the house, a week later, everything that belonged to Christopher was gone, his clothes, his books, his Cds, his computer. That had not surprised me at all. I knew how the League worked. They would leave no clues.
I thought of the rest of the things I had to take care of before leaving. My mum and Kate had made all the necessary
arrangements for me, but there was still something I wanted to make sure of. I took my cell phone and called Yannis. A female voice answered his phone in Greek.
‘Parakalo?’
‘Good morning, Can I talk to Yannis please?’
‘Yannis?’ She sounded surprised.
‘Yes, tell him it’s Emma.’ I said, hoping she could speak English.
‘I’m sorry.’ Her voice lowered as if she was about to confide something to me.
‘ I’m afraid ...Yannis is…dead.’
I felt my body stiffen from shock. It took me a few seconds before I could speak again. ‘Did you say… dead?’
‘Yes, I’m really sorry.’
‘When did it happen?’
‘Last week.’
‘But …how?’
‘He was …stubbed by some burglars who broke into his apartment. There was a fight and… they killed him.’ she said in the same low voice.
‘Oh my God! Do they know who did it?’
‘No, not yet. I can give you Mr. Terzis. He has taken over all of Yannis’ cases.’
‘No, thank you. I’ll call some other time.’
Could it have been a coincidence? What were the chances that some burglars had killed Yannis now that I had made him risk his life without even warning him? I only hoped Christopher had nothing to do with it.
Kate was talking to me. ‘Did you know this guy?’
‘He was the civil engineer who worked for the Project.’ I replied, my distress unconcealed on my face.
‘Poor guy! I heard about his murder. It was quite a shock for the local community. Crimes like that are very rare here. Are you okay? You look pale.’
‘Kate, I need my lap top.’
‘Okay. I’ll ask your mother to bring it.’ She called my mother and an hour later I was searching the headlines of the local
newspapers on the Internet. This was another benefit of the Private Clinic my mother had decided to transfer me in order to achieve the best conditions for my recuperation.
It was not difficult to find the articles on Yannis’ murder. I shivered when I read that they had tortured him before killing him. The police had not been able to identify the murderers’ motive as nothing valuable was missing from his house, although everything was in a mess. The murderers were obviously looking for something.
I did not need to read anymore. There was no doubt that the League had decided to get rid of him. I felt responsible for his death, thinking that if I had not involved him, he would be alive now. Christopher was right. I should have taken his warnings about the Squad more seriously. But I never expected they would get to Yannis, I had no idea how much he had risked his life following my instructions. I felt sick at the idea that it could have been my name in those headlines, if Christopher had not sacrificed his life to spare mine.
The murderers were probably looking for the plans. They must have found out that The Gateway had been transferred on the map. Had they tortured him in order to make him reveal the original Point-X? Yannis was tough, but I wondered how tough he would be in front of Tex. So that meant that only two people knew the truth about The Gateway now. Susan had told me that the main condition of the settlement was that the Squad shouldn’t cause any harm to me, but would that stop them? Did that put Christopher’s life in greater danger? How could I make use of this knowledge to both our benefit?
I had to consider all possibilities. There were two main points I should focus on for the following months: getting on my feet again and taking Christopher away from the Squad’s claws. But first, I had to find a way to contact the Crusaders. It was probably one of Plato’s tests to make me search for them, to struggle in order to prove my dedication to the cause. I did not know exactly how I would achieve that, but a dim light had started to illume the dark tunnel I had to walk along.