Chapter 10
Going back
I checked the time on my watch once again. It would take another thirty minutes to arrive at Athens airport and then, in a couple of hours, I would be in Corinth for the night. I was trying not to think about having to stay in the big house by the sea, where I had spent the best moments of my life a year ago, determined to take one step each time, acting according to the plan I had devised in every detail all those months of my obligatory confinement until I was able to walk again. The next morning, with the first light of day, I would set out on my search for the Crusaders.
A year without Christopher. It hadn’t been easy. I had to fight against my physical endurance, against my own body. It was my heart versus my wounded body. I had endured all those months of physiotherapy, countless pills, too much crying, self-pity and unbearable sleepless nights in pain and despair. But I hadn’t given up. I had to get over the persistency of my spine to remain immobile, as soon as possible. Christopher was running out of time. He needed me. As the months went by, I wasn’t satisfied with the slow progress in my movements, despite the doctors’ reassurances that I had exhibited a remarkable recovery. To me, it wasn’t enough. Not enough to enable me to travel back to Greece and look for him. I had to try harder. Refusing to go to university on a wheel chair, I had taken a leave of absence ignoring my mother’s entreaties that studying would keep me distracted from my recent ordeal. I did not have time for studying. I didn’t have time for anything else but how to stand on my feet. Of course, this obsession had a cost. I had changed, become hot-tempered, remote, and edgy. Kate had stood by me all these months, aware of my fixation with going back to Greece. All Kate could do about it was to persuade me not to attempt the trip until the doctors gave me permission to do so.
And it happened. In the end of August, a year after the accident that had cost me my baby and months of frustration and despair,
the doctor finally gave me the green light, not without warning me of the possible dangers if I overdid it, though. I had taken his orders seriously. Hurting myself again, would not help Christopher.
I had managed to avoid Kate’s demands to travel to Greece together. Kate should stay away form this. She had accepted my flat refusal to explain to her the situation with Christopher, probably thinking that the reason for our separation had been another woman. I let her go along with this, as it was a much safer and less harrowing explanation. I had bought a ticket to Greece without telling Kate about it and here I was, just one more day and I would be following the tracks of the man who had marked my life so irrevocably and in so many ways.
The blond little girl next to me showed me her book and smiled. I smiled back, approvingly. The picture of the beach she was coloring had kept her busy for a while.
Her image made me think that I had never found out if the baby I’d lost in the crash had been a boy or a girl. Meaning to comfort me, my mother had pointed out how hard it would have been for me to raise a child on my own at such a young age, being still a child myself in her eyes. But I could not fall in with her view of that tragic outcome although I realized she wasn’t totally wrong. I wasn’t ready to become a mother. Besides, this trip would have been much more difficult, if not impossible to carry through, had there been a baby waiting for me back in London. Then, why did I feel so empty? Why did I wake up all those nights with the sound of a baby weeping in my dreams? Why did my eyes mist over every time I saw one? I had never really mourned for my lost child. I had tried to bury the grief deep inside me instead. My son or daughter would be five months old now. What difference would it make? Sooner or later my baby would die. How could Christopher’s child, a time-traveler’s child, survive in this world? It would have been much harder if I had seen that child, if I had become attached to him or her. Would my child have Christopher’s eyes?
That’s enough! I told myself. You have to stop thinking like this. Concentrate on finding Christopher.
Harry was waiting for me at the airport, probably notified by Kate. My dear Kate! I should know that she would not be fooled that easily. On the way to Corinth, I could not resist asking Harry about the Crusaders. I was hoping that he, as a recent recruit to the group of Confidants, would give me a lead to the Crusaders.
‘I’m sorry Emma. I’ve had no contact with them since that summer, since Christopher left. But you can count on me if you need any help. You’ve come back to find him, haven’t you?’
‘Yes.’ I nodded. It had been wishful thinking to assume it would be so easy to track the Crusaders. I would have, as it seemed, to deviate from my original plan to the second, less desirable choice.
Harry offered to put me up in his house for the night, but I refused. Standing in front of the wooden door, I felt like Christopher’s house was inviting me in. It felt so familiar, made me nostalgic, it made me feel closer to him. The night was cool. Inside, the soft breeze blowing through the open window brought back all those memories.
That night I dreamed he was lying next to me and I was sleeping in his arms. I could hear his breath; his soft voice whispering my name woke me up. It was still dawn and I was all alone in the room. A sweet grief overwhelmed me and I burst into tears, lying all by myself on the huge bed. And I cried. Eventually, I was able to cry for my lost love, my lost baby, my lost life.
When there were no more tears left to shed, I tried to pull myself together, remembering it was time to set out on my journey to him.
Checking the map on the passenger seat a couple of hours later, I estimated it would take at least another three hours to get to Monemvasia. Despite being quite busy, the street was narrow, with dangerous curves that obligated me to drive very carefully and too slowly.
Only when I saw the arresting spectacle of the long-standing fort, I finally relaxed. I parked my car at the beach and walked towards the medieval gate. It was late afternoon and I felt tired and hungry, but I chose to ignore the small restaurants and cafés, anxious about the purpose of my journey. Besides, I could not stand looking around. It tormented me to see how everything looked the same as last time I was there with Christopher and yet, how everything had changed.
I found the guesthouse much more easily than I had expected. When I saw the wooden door, I suddenly became intimidated. What would I say to Sebastian? Was there any chance he might already have known what had happened to Christopher? That it was me who had been the culprit for all his misfortunes of last year?
It was Martha who opened the door. She seemed pleasurably surprised to see me but the hint of worry flickered in her eyes for a second.
‘Emma! What a surprise! Come in sweetie. Is Christopher with you?’
‘I’m afraid he isn’t.’ I said, without trying to hide my grief caused by Martha’s predictable question.
‘Oh! Is he all right?’
I felt the strong urge to embrace the motherly figure in front of me and burst into tears, but I managed to remain composed. Yet, I knew that everything about me gave away the despair that I had been trying to suppress all those months. My uncared appearance and sloppy hair, in combination with my bewildered face, totally revealed the graveness of the situation.
‘He…I need help to find him. I need Sebastian’s help. That’s why I’m here.’ I whispered, aware of the mist that shaded my eyes. The heartbreaking morning in Christopher’s house, the long tiring journey, the fear that Sebastian might decide not to help me, had worn me out.
Martha opened her arms and hugged me.
‘Don’t cry, honey. It will be all right. Of course Sebastian will help you. He’s not here now but he’s coming tonight. You know how much he loves Christopher.’ She put her arm around my waist pushing me softly inside the room.
‘You look so tired. You need to eat something and take some rest. ’
I would like to believe that some food and a nap would solve my problems and I wished Martha had known the whole truth. If only I could share my fears with someone! The ignorant woman could never imagine what I’d been
fighting against. I tried to keep myself calm and wiped my eyes. After that emotional outburst I was feeling slightly relieved.
I accepted Martha’s offer for a meal with gratitude. We sat in the backyard under the shade of the mulberry tree where Christopher and I had dinner that night before the drink went to my head and…NO! Not now! I thought. I couldn’t, I shouldn’t break now. At least not before I found out what Sebastian’s decision would be.
Martha put me in a nice, small room that overlooked the sea. I tortured myself once more, thinking that I was exactly one floor below the room where I had shared all those passionate moments of sheer happiness with Christopher.
I was half asleep when I heard the knock on my door. I must have been in this condition for more than three hours because I could see through the open window the golden light that brightened the horizon as a huge sun slowly sank below it.
Martha’s smiling face showed up at the open door.
‘Sebastian is back. You can talk to him when you’re ready.’ Her voice sounded reassuring, but I acknowledged the double meaning in what she had said.
‘Just give me five minutes.’ I said, popping out of bed.
‘No need to hurry. He’s not going anywhere.’ Martha said and closed the door behind her.
I washed my face and took a few deep breaths before leaving my room. I found Martha in the garden, watering the big pots with fragrant gardenias.
‘He’s in the backyard.’ she shouted.
I nodded to her. I thought I was prepared to encounter Sebastian and his reaction when I would break the news to him, unless of course he had already been notified about Christopher’s decision to rejoin the Squad. One way or the other, I could foresee his fury, which would be totally justifiable in this case. I would have to put up with his anger and stick to my goal: persuade him to help me contact the Crusaders.
Sebastian was enjoying his raki in the cool evening. I felt less brave now that I gazed the back of the old, wise man in front of me. Hadn’t he heard me coming? He didn’t move an inch and when he suddenly spoke to me, I instinctively flinched back.
‘So, he finally went on with it.’
Was that a question or a statement? I couldn’t tell. I tried to find my voice.
‘Have you heard about it?’ I asked.
‘You’re here, safe and sound, so what else can that mean?’
I took a deep breath trying not to be offended by his tone, which clearly made the fact that I was still in one piece sound like an insult. I sat on the chair across him.
‘He needs help. I must find him. You see, I need you to help me find him.’
He turned his face to look at me for the first time. It was frowned, accusation was obvious on it.
‘You’ve helped him enough, don’t you think?’
His words felt like stabs right through my heart. As much as it hurt, I knew I deserved this.
‘I know how you must feel about me. And… I won’t disagree with you on this. But I just wish you could put these feelings aside for his sake.’
Sebastian looked away again indifferent, like he hadn’t heard a word I said.
‘I knew you were bad news from the first moment I saw you. Christopher could not be a boyfriend to you, not without risking his life. And you …To expose him to them like that!’ He looked at me with fierce eyes.
‘He’s a soldier, for God’s sake! Not a silly lover boy!’
He poured more raki in his glass and emptied it hastily, trying to calm himself down with the strong, homemade drink.
Thinking this would be my only chance, I started telling him about that summer, about my visit to Plato’s yacht, Tex’s ambush, the decision at the Board Hearing, the crash, Tom’s visit and his challenge to make me find the strength to fight for my life and look for Christopher if I still loved him, the whole year it took me to walk again and my commitment to my love for Christopher.
Sebastian listened to me in silence. His face rigid, absolutely expressionless, was looking away from me. When I finished, an awful silence spread between us. Then he spoke in a deep, stern voice.
‘He’s more than a friend to me. Christopher has saved my life, you know. Mine and my men’s lives. He wasn’t ordered to save them. His mission was to save a General and me. But he did fight next to me when we were ambushed. He had seen the future, so he knew the outcome of the battle. Still, he risked his life to warn me and wouldn’t leave without me. He persuaded me to follow him, but he fought on my side the whole time. I would not leave unless he took my men too. And he did it. He saved them. All of them. I wasn’t aware of the danger I’d put him in. He never told me. He had balked at his orders for my sake. The League’s orders. Back then I didn’t know what that meant, what the implications could be. But when I found out, I swore to repay him.’
He turned to me, really slowly. ‘ You are his death. I wish you had never met him.’
It wasn’t just what he had said, but how he said it. Each word carried so much cruelty, more than I could take. I tried to say
something but I couldn’t find the right words. My eyes filled with tears as I looked down in retreat. Everything was lost.
Sebastian wasn’t going to change his mind, I was sure about that. I would have to come up with another plan. Yet, I knew this was the only plan left.
Sebastian was walking by himself in the garden. He had a good life here with Martha. He was happy. He had his wife, his house, his flowers. What else did he need to be happy? He sighed. Martha had always known his sore spot. She knew the exact words to say to him. And he hated it when she was so angry with him.
‘Are you proud of yourself now?’ Martha’s voice had said scornfully.
‘She’s done enough harm to him. You know nothing.’ Sebastian had answered stubbornly.
Martha had sat on Emma’s chair. ‘I know all I need to understand what you’ve done. She’s in love, you old fool! And she’s desperate. Didn’t you notice how happy she made Christopher when he was with her? Because he’s a soldier, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t have the right to find love. You found love too late! Remember what you told me that night after our first kiss? “Why did we lose so many years, Martha? I wish I had found you sooner.” Those were your exact words. How can you decide that for Christopher? I thought you loved him like a son. Will you carry the blame for their misery? I hope you can live with this.’
I was lying on my bed, my eyes fixed on the ceiling. My mind was frantically working overtime, looking for a new plan. I had thought of numerous ways to provoke the League’s reaction but none of them protected Christopher and me from the Squad. There I was, alone and miserable, unable to hold on to my commitment to Christopher. And the clock was ticking. Time, that cruel, baleful monster, was not on my side, once again. I was really sick of fighting against the ticking of the clock. The silver alarm clock on my bedside table was mocking me, with its constant chuckle, tick, tick, tick. I took it in my hand, glaring at with slotted eyes before I threw it at the wall. It left a small mark on it, but still the noise kept on. I picked it up, took the batteries out of it and made it stop.
The knock on my door startled me. Martha wanted to invite me to dinner but I refused kindly. I could not face Sebastian again and I was certain he felt exactly the same. I had outgone my limits of endurance and I had already decided to set off first thing in the morning.
I woke up with the dreadful feeling that I wasn’t alone in the room. In the dim light of dawn, I was able to make out the shape of a man standing at the open door.
‘Get ready. We’re leaving in ten minutes. I’ll be waiting for you downstairs.’ Sebastian told me abruptly, before disappearing in the corridor. I blinked as I tried to comprehend his words. My mind was still half asleep. Then I popped out of bed to dress in a hurry. I didn’t have time to think what had made him change his mind, although I assumed Martha had been involved. I put on my khakis and a white T-shirt, dropped everything else in my backpack, and rushed downstairs. Still drowsy from the abrupt
awakening, I walked to the yard. If only I could have a cup of coffee! But it would be too much to ask Sebastian to wait for that.
‘Emma, wait!’ Martha shouted behind me. She looked so small in her nightdress. ‘I’ve made coffee and sandwiches.’ she said breathlessly and gave me a thermos and a packet of sandwiches wrapped in aluminum.
‘God bless you Martha. Thank you ...for everything.’ I smiled to my only ally so far.
‘He’s not bad, just ...you know, he’s trying to do the right thing. He’ll do anything in his power to help Christopher but don’t make him wait or he’ll give you a hard time.’
‘Give Christopher my kisses when you see him!’ Martha shouted as I started running after Sebastian.
I found Sebastian at the gate and walked with him in silence on the roadway that took us to the coast.
‘Where are we going?’ I asked him as soon as we were in his car, determined to break the silence.
‘To the outskirts of Athens. It’s a long journey. Perhaps you should get some sleep.’
Was it my idea or was his manner more caring today? I was impressed by his unexpected change of heart. Yet, looking at his frowned face I realized that his expression didn’t mach his voice, so he must have been trying hard to behave himself. He probably felt no remorse for his behavior the previous night. Is it because of me that he is constantly in a bad mood or is he predisposed to being moody? I wondered, determined to let him have it his way. It shouldn’t be like this. We had something in common; we both cared deeply about Christopher, so why couldn’t we just get on? Of course this would happen if Sebastian didn’t hold me responsible for bringing about Christopher’s predicament and I couldn’t argue that. Right now, in his car, I could guess Sebastian’s thoughts, since they could as well have been mine had I been in his shoes. He was probably wondering whether his decision to help me did even more harm to Christopher. I closed my eyes. I had to believe that this would not happen.