I’d heard the power come back on sometime around five. It sounded almost as if there were a downpour outside as the snow melted and rolled off the roof in torrents. The snow never lasted long here, for which I was grateful. I hated the snow, except when it involved Alex.
I heard the phone ring but let Alex answer it. He had started to stir about a half hour ago but he remained painfully quiet and aloof. Even though it was unbearable to think what it might mean, I could not put any blame on him.
He had a right to think about what I had told him and to make his own decisions as to what to do with that information.
Unable to take just sitting there and torturing myself with thoughts and possibilities any longer, I decided to go check on Sal. I walked out the lower door that led from my apartment, trying to be careful to not cross paths with Alex by accident. I didn’t feel ready to face him yet.
When I let myself into Sal’s house I was glad to find it was warm. In my panic last night I had not even considered Sal’s need for heat. I was grateful her heater had kicked back on with no problems.
Everything was quiet in the house, though still in disorganized chaos as it had been the night before. After a quick search I found her sleeping soundly in her bed, still dressed in the clothes she had worn the night before.
Knowing full well I was simply avoiding going back, I set to cleaning up after the mess she had made. I had only gotten about halfway through when the house cleaner showed up and feeling stupid, I knew there was no need for me to be there and left.
I came back in through my door, trying to close it very quietly behind me. I jumped violently when Alex suddenly strolled out of my bedroom.
“There you are,” he said with that half grin. “I was looking for you.”
I stood with my back pressed against the door, feeling a strange need to keep some distance between us. My heart pounded in my chest and I hoped and prayed he could not hear it.
“You want to come upstairs for a minute?” he asked, his voice cautious.
Here we go, I thought to myself. Get ready to pack.
Despite the panic that was rising in my blood and the sharp ringing that sounded in my ears, I nodded my head and followed him silently up the stairs. I noted he had cleaned up the bedding from last night and had moved the couches back to their normal place. I took a hesitant and terrified seat on one of them.
Alex walked casually to the dining room table and started to shuffle through some papers.
“I got a call yesterday and then again this morning. I guess there are some discrepancies with my grandparents will and I need to go meet with a few lawyers in California.
My flight leaves tonight, the last one out. I’m not really sure how long I’ll be gone but I would guess about a week or so.” It took me a moment before I could make my brain process what he had just said. He wasn’t making me leave.
He was leaving. I wanted to protest, to tell him he didn’t need to make excuses. This was his home now; I would leave if he didn’t want me around anymore. But I sat frozen and unable to say anything. I could feel that brick of ice forming around my heart again.
He shoved all the papers in his hand into a folder and then into a backpack. I then noticed the suitcase at his feet.
A heavy stone settled itself into the pit of my stomach.
He was leaving.
Knowing I only had about a minute or so before a meltdown was going to consume me, I stood and was about to go.
“Wait, Jessica,” he said and I was surprised at the strain and eagerness in his voice. I turned slowly back toward him, hoping my eyes hadn’t turned red yet. “I want to leave my truck here for you, just in case the weather decides to go ballistic on us again. If you or Sal need to get out sometime I want to make sure you can. I was wondering if I could take your car down to the airport?” It took me a moment before I fully understood his request. If he was leaving me his truck and taking my car then surely he wasn’t leaving permanently.
“You’ll bring it back in a week?” I asked stupidly but wanting him to give me some kind of reassurance.
“Of course I’ll bring it back,” he said with a little chuckle. “Your GTO may be a cool old muscle car but I’ve grown kind of attached to that truck since I got it. I’m going to want it back.”
I couldn’t help it as a slightly relieved chuckle escaped my lips. “Ya, I guess that would be fine.” That dazzling smile spread across his face. “Okay, good. Come on.”
Feeling a little dazed and a bit like my head was spinning, I followed him out to the garage. I realized then that I had never seen what kind of vehicle Alex drove.
When we had gone shopping before we had taken my car.
The shiny black truck before me was a little more than intimidating. I didn’t know too much about cars but I could tell it had a lift on it with monstrous tires attached to it. And it looked brand new.
“You expect me to drive that?” the intimidation was obvious in my voice.
“It’s not any harder than your car is to drive. And this is an automatic so it should be even easier,” Alex said as he gestured for me to join him. Hesitantly I did.
“Call it a little indulgence,” he said with a grin as he opened the driver’s door. “I’ve always wanted a truck like this but never had the money so when a lot of it was suddenly dumped on me, I couldn’t resist.” The smile on his face looked like it was almost painful. “Hop in.” I hesitantly accepted the hand he held out to help me and mounted the enormous beast. The interior smelled strongly of the new car scent and leather.
“It’s a diesel so should you have to put gas in it, please, please remember that,” I could see the terror on his face at that possibility. “You shouldn’t have to put anything in it though. It’s full right now. Just push that if you need the four-wheel drive,” he said, pointing to a button on the dash.
“Trust me,” I said as I held my hands up. “If there is a need for four-wheel I will not be going out.” He just chuckled and nodded his head. “Really, it’s not that hard to drive. You just have to remember you’re a lot bigger than you would be in the GTO.”
“Don’t think I could forget that,” I said as I slipped out and closed the door.
“Anything I should know about your car? Tricks or secrets?”
“It runs great. Don’t try anything too wild in it. As long as you know how to drive a stick you should be ok.” Alex rolled his eyes. “I know how to drive a stick.” We both laughed for a moment as we headed back inside.
We passed the afternoon quietly but with much less tension than the morning had brought. I had found myself back in the apartment when Alex popped his head in.
“Well, I’d better head down to the airport now,” he said as he walked through the door.
I nodded my head, a bit unsure of what to say. He looked at me expectantly and after a moment I realized what he must have been waiting for. I grabbed my purse off the card table and dug my keys out. Slipping the one for my car off, I tossed it to him. He caught it easily with a grin. He tucked it in his pocket and when he pulled his hand back out a piece of paper was clutched in it.
“This is my cell phone number,” he said as he handed it to me, along with a set of keys. I hoped I wasn’t imagining that his hand lingered on mine for just a moment longer than necessary. “Call me if you need anything.”
“It would be hard for you to do anything for me when you’re fourteen hundred miles away,” I said with a chuckle.
That half grin spread on his face. “Ya, I guess you’re right. Still,” he said as he took both my hands in his. My heart suddenly started hammering. “You can call me anytime.”
How could those piercing blue eyes strike such terror and longing in my heart at the same time? It was a confusing and complex emotion.
His eyes never broke from mine as he slowly raised one of my hands in his and gently pressed his lips to my knuckles.
“Take care of yourself,” he whispered as he lowered it and let go.
“I will,” my voice was barely audible.
That half smile played in the corner of his lips before he tucked a stray lock of hair behind my ear. And a moment later he had walked out the door.
CHAPTER TEN
I was bound and determined that I was not going to sit around and obsess over Alex or the fact that he was going to be gone for a week. I wasn’t that pathetic, or at least I was going to pretend I wasn’t.
But a week had never looked so long.
I had a new issue to consider to keep me distracted, thankfully, but very unthankfully. Something else had changed about my whole angel’s experience. This was the third thing that had differed from the normal experiences I had. I couldn’t even begin to theorize about what this might mean. I shuttered to consider that things might continue to change further.
This last trial was a new kind of nightmare. The leader of the condemned had seen my face, looked straight into my eyes. If there had ever been some kind of comfort the nightmares provided it was that thin sack that protected my true identity. That had been ripped away. What would this change? I had no disillusioned thoughts that it might make the nightmares stop. I had well settled myself that it was something I was just going to have to deal with the rest of my existence. But how would it effect the trials? At least one of the council knew the person beneath the bag was not the name they were judging.
As terrifying as it had all been, I could not help but remember the strange emotions that spread through me as I stared into those black eyes. I had been so captivated by them. It had been as if I physically could not have looked away, had not the mob pulled me over the edge.
And for the first time, I could not remember the name I had stood trial for.
I reminded myself as I walked through the glass doors that I wasn’t going to continue to be a hermit. If I wanted a shot at a normal life I was going to have to crawl out of my shell and interact with people. Normal people.
Relief washed over me as I saw there were only five other people in the room. It was best to start off slow and work my way out of the lonely hole I had dug for myself.
I remembered seeing the flyer for a new yoga class that was starting up when I was in town last. I had given it next to no thought at the time but it seemed the perfect way to ease my way back into normal society. I could be around people but not have any pressure to have to talk as we would all be focusing on relaxing and building flexibility.
Dressing for the class had taken some careful consideration. I knew the normal attire that was to be worn to practice yoga but the small strappy tops wouldn’t do in covering my scars. Instead I had opted for a tee-shirt until I could find something that would work better. I knew it was going to drive me crazy but I had little choice but to leave most of my mane of hair down and loose. I would just have to deal with it being in my face.
Most everyone stood around, not meeting each other in the eye, experiencing that first awkwardness that came with this type of thing. There were four women, two of which seemed to have come together, and one man who was as thin as a twig.
A woman walked in from a side room and I couldn’t help but marvel at the way in which she moved. She seemed to glide over the floor rather than walk and she held a certain air about herself that said she knew exactly who she was and knew exactly the direction she wanted her life to be moving.
Her facial features were strong and sure. Her hair was a nearly white color of blonde and hung in perfectly styled-looking curls down to the middle of her back. She couldn’t have been more than a few years older than me.
“Good morning,” she said cheerily as she observed us all. “My name is Emily Lewis. I’m so glad all of you came today.”
She asked for our names and we each gave them in turn. I knew it was going to take me a few more classes before I was going to remember any of the other student’s names.
It took me longer than I would have hoped to figure out the breathing techniques she taught us. Each of the poses was indeed a challenge to keep up the endurance to hold them. Flexibility wasn’t ever an issue, I was abnormally so. But by the end of the class I was surprised at how relaxed I felt and the energy that refreshed me.
“Jessica,” I stopped as I had turned for the door when I heard Emily call my name when the class was over.
She walked up to me with a bright smile on her face.
“I wanted to ask you. Have you ever done yoga before?” I shook my head.
“You’re a natural at it. Quite flexible, I must say. I think once you can get the breathing down it won’t be long before you’ll be a master.”
I felt myself blush slightly at her compliments.
“Thanks,” I managed. “I’m glad I came today.” Emily only nodded before she walked away to put the mats back in their bins.
I smiled as I walked out the door, knowing that what I said was indeed the truth. I was glad I had made the decision to come today.
As I left the building, I now confronted a new uncertainty. I had been quite proud of myself that I had made it safely into town without causing a wreck in Alex’s monster of a vehicle. As I had driven, I realized it was in fact a fairly normal sized truck but I had certainly never had to maneuver something so big. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to pick up the challenge again. But having no choice but to drive the thing again, I carefully made my way further into town and pulled into to the parking lot of the mall.
Making the decision to be around other people made me realize just how pathetic my wardrobe had gotten. And I was becoming embarrassingly aware of how sad my excuse for pajamas was. If Alex really did come back I didn’t want to be caught in my old threadbare ones again. And besides that, I realized I was starting to dress like a sixty-year-old hermit.
I spent longer than I had meant to at the mall, taking way more care in picking a few new items of clothing than I cared to admit to myself. It felt good to spoil myself a bit though. I didn’t do it often.
After picking a few things up from the grocery store Sal and I were in need of, I started the drive home. Even though the snow had been slightly inconvenient it had been beautiful to look at. Snow wasn’t common in western Washington so it was nice to see it, as long as it didn’t stay long. But with the rise in temperature it had melted and left the world looking water logged and mushy. With the temperature remaining low and the sad absence of the sun, everything was just cold and damp.
I was tempted to pull straight into Sal’s driveway so I could unload everything I had gotten for her easily but an enormous moving truck was blocking the way. Several men scurried in and out of it and into the house next to Sal’s.
Strange, I hadn’t noticed it was for sale.
Very, very carefully I eased the truck into the garage.
It took me longer than it should have to unload my things. I had spent more than I should have but somehow could not feel completely guilty about it.
With Sal’s three bags in hand, I took the ninety-one steps to her house, silently cursing at my returned habit of counting.
For once, I did not have to look for her as I entered.
She stood at the window next to the front door, her hands twisting into nervous knots as she stared anxiously at the men as they worked.
“Is everything okay?” I asked her as I set the bags on the counter. I should have realized a change like this would set her on edge.
“Where did Henry go?” Her voice came out as a whispered hiss.
It took me a moment to remember Henry was Sal’s other neighbor. He was a quiet man who seemed incredibly shy but would always smile and wave.
“I guess he sold the house,” I said as I glanced out the window. Five of them were carrying a baby grand piano into the house. “I never saw a for sale sign though. Did you?”
“Why would Henry leave?” she said as she started to bounce on the balls of her feet. “Where did he go?”
“I don’t know,” I sighed as I put the last of the food away. I wiped my hands on my stretch yoga pant
s before walking over to where Sal fidgeted.
I placed my hands cautiously on her shoulders, so as not to upset her further. “I’m sure Henry’s fine, Sal.
Remember, his wife passed away last year. Maybe he just needed a change.”
She was still anxious but this seemed to placate her for the moment as she followed me to the couch. I cleared a stack of worn looking books from it to make room for her to sit down.
“Do you think Alex would come over tonight?” Sal asked as I stacked the books back on the shelf.
“Alex had to go away for a little while,” I called over my shoulder, remembering that I had not told her yet. “He said he would be back in a week or so.”
“Oh,” I heard her whisper. “Alex is a nice boy.” Even though it sounded terrible, it delighted me to hear her sound sad at this news. Sal didn’t trust many people, especially men. She had let Alex get behind her defenses so easily I was still in slight shock over it.
“I’m going to come back over tonight and make you dinner,” I said as I walked back toward the door. “Would that be alright with you?”
The wheels were easy to see as they turned in Sal’s head and she considered this. I generally preferred to be by myself in the evenings and had never offered to make her dinner before. But I needed to be around people more, even if the only person I had for company was slightly crazy.
“That would be fine,” she answered finally. “I could help you.”
I nodded my head even though I doubted the kind of help Sal might be able to offer. “I’ll come over at five-thirty then.”
I sat with my arms wrapped around my knees, perched on the upper deck, rocking back and forth slightly. Even though it was only seven it had already been dark for almost two hours. A low mist had settled itself over the tops of the trees and it was slowly descending upon the tops of the houses. The towering evergreens that encircled the lake swayed in the slight breeze, tracing patterns in the silver mist, the moon invisible behind it. I loved the smell of the night here, like the earth was alive, like if you listened hard enough it might tell you it’s secrets.