When he didn’t say anything, she looked back at him and found him staring at her canopy bed. She felt the heat come up into her cheeks when he looked up at her again.
“What happened to ours?”
“I sold it.”
Had he winced, or was she just imagining it? He looked around the room. “I guess it wouldn’t’ve fit in here anyway.” His glance halted abruptly on the old armoire she’d refinished. He’d moved it into the garage when Bruce Davies had redone the house, intending to take it to the dump. He’d left before he had the chance.
Something flickered across his face as he looked up at her again, his eyes barely grazing hers. “I need to talk to you,” he said grimly and went out.
She shut her eyes for a minute and then gathered her brushes, balanced her easel, and went down the ladder. She put everything down on the drop cloth and went into the bathroom to wash her hands. Glancing up into the mirror, she saw tendrils of sandy-blonde hair curling in all directions. A smudge of green was across one cheek, some brown on her nose. Picking up the soap and washcloth, she scrubbed her face. That done, she debated changing into clean clothes and dismissed the idea. Raking her hands back through her hair, she French-braided it quickly.
When she came into the living room, she found Alex looking at Mary Kathryn’s quilt, which she’d mounted on the wall. Audra had taken her to a museum a few weeks ago, and she’d seen a quilt mounted in the same way. Liking the effect, she’d promptly come home, purchased material to make a sleeve, and bought a wooden drapery rod. Audra had been impressed when she saw what Sierra had done. Even better, they’d spent the better part of an hour talking about the quilt.
“It belonged to Mary Kathryn McMurray,” she said to Alex. “She was a relative of mine who came across the plains by wagon train. She settled in Sonoma County in 1848. That’s her trunk at the end of the couch.” It served as a side table. She winced, realizing the old brass lamps Alex hated so much sat on top of it. Naturally, she had to draw his attention to it.
He didn’t say a word. The condo rang with silence. Frowning, she realized what was wrong. “Where are the children?”
“I asked them to make themselves scarce for a little while. Clanton said he’d play billiards at the clubhouse, and Carolyn said you wouldn’t mind if she went to Susan’s.”
She was immediately filled with trepidation. Why would he send the children off unless he was going to say something to her he knew she wouldn’t like? What could he want?
Oh, God, the children!
“Don’t look at me like that, Sierra.”
“Like what?”
“Like a deer caught in headlights. I’m not planning to run over you.”
She turned away and went into the kitchen. “Would you like some coffee?” Her mind was racing. She didn’t even notice if he answered yes or no. She wished she had read the divorce papers over more carefully. What had they said about custody of the children?
“I’m not living with Elizabeth anymore.”
“Audra told me.” She fumbled in the cabinet for coffee and filters.
“Audra? I didn’t think you even spoke to her anymore.”
“We get together for lunch every few weeks.”
“Since when?” he said in surprise.
She measured coffee. “Since I took her to lunch and apologized.”
Alex came over and sat on a stool on the other side of the breakfast counter. She could feel him looking at her. Like a bug under glass. She poured water into the coffeemaker, refusing to look back at him.
“What do you and Audra talk about?” he said carefully.
“We don’t talk about you, Alex. That was one of the first ground rules I laid down.” She shrugged. “She broke it last week.”
“Did she tell you what happened?”
“She said Elizabeth quit and went back East.”
“I moved out after the little altercation with Clanton.”
“Can we talk about something else, please?” she said, uncomfortable. She didn’t want to hear about his love affair with Elizabeth Longford. She didn’t want to hear about his broken heart. She didn’t want to hear about how difficult things were for him. She wanted him to get to the point and leave so she could breathe normally again.
“I want to spend more time with my children.”
Here it comes, she thought.
“You’re shaking,” he said softly.
“I’m not giving you custody, Alex. Whatever it said in those papers I signed and gave you, I’m not—”
He lifted his hands. “Relax. I’m not asking for that. I wouldn’t. They’re happy with you. I just want . . .” His voice trailed off, and he uttered a soft curse, dragging his hands back through his hair. He looked at her again, and she noticed the lines around his eyes and mouth, the unveiled pain in his eyes. “I just want a chance to be a part of their lives again. A couple of hours on Friday with Carolyn and a few on Saturday with Clanton isn’t enough.”
She almost reminded him that was more than he’d spent with them before he left her and moved in with Elizabeth.
Lord, keep me silent. Make my words sweet. Help me see his side of things more clearly and with more compassion than I have in the past. Give me Your eyes, Father.
Alex searched her face when she said nothing. Turning her back on him, she took two mugs down from the cupboard and filled them with coffee. She didn’t invite him back into the living room. She liked having the breakfast bar between them.
“Thanks,” he said flatly and put his hands around the mug as though to warm them. She couldn’t remember ever seeing him nervous before.
“You can see the children whenever you want, Alex. As long as you don’t prevent them from continuing what they’re doing.”
“Such as?” he said, eyes narrowed slightly.
“They both go to church youth group on Wednesday nights.”
“Which church?”
The issue of religion had never been important to either of them. Now, it was of tantamount importance to her. “The church where we were playing baseball.”
He thought about it for a minute, troubled. “Mama said you went to Mass with my father.”
“The children went to catechism in Windsor.”
“I know. Are they still going?”
O God, help me. I don’t want to start a war with Alex, but I want my children to have a personal relationship with You. I don’t want them to have to go through a priest or be bound by guilt or penitence.
“No,” she said, clasping her own mug between both hands as he had done. “We’re happy in this church, Alex.”
“You don’t think God’s in a Catholic church?”
She felt the weight of Madrid family tradition behind his question. These were his children.
“I think God is wherever He chooses to be, Alex. Catholic or Protestant, it doesn’t matter. When I sit with your father and mother, I know they love the Lord as much as I do. They’ve loved Him longer and harder. But this church is where I found my way home, Alex. It’s where the children are learning the meaning of Christ’s love. These people aren’t just friends. They’re like family. Dennis especially. I’d be dead and Clanton still wouldn’t be speaking to you if not for him.”
He frowned heavily, eyes fixed on her. “What do you mean, dead?”
She smiled, shaking her head at the memory. “Let’s just say I was driving a little fast one day when Dennis pulled me over. He’s a highway patrolman. He gave me my first and, I hope, last speeding ticket.”
He looked at her, his eyes intent, searching. “I’m sorry, Sierra.”
She knew he meant he was sorry about everything. “Don’t be. It’s the best thing that ever happened to me.” If she hadn’t hit rock bottom, would she have ever seen how much she needed the Lord? Would she ever have been soft fertile soil for the seeds that had been scattered throughout her life by a dozen different people? Would she have ever understood Jesus’ love for her?
Alex got up a
nd left the breakfast bar. She watched him move around the living room. He paused before the quilt again and rubbed the back of his neck. He had always done that when he was past exhaustion or depressed about something. In their earlier years, she’d rubbed his back and told him how she loved him. Often, they ended up in bed together, forgetting everything but the pleasure they found in one another.
Her skin grew warm, remembering.
It was better not to think about those times.
“How would you feel if I leased a condo in this complex?”
Her heart stopped. “I beg your pardon?” she said weakly.
Alex turned around and looked at her. “I said, how would you feel if I leased a condo in this complex?”
She recognized that look. Double-barreled, point-blank determination. “You want to live in a condo?” She couldn’t believe he would even suggest it. He wouldn’t even marry her until he had found them a small house to rent. “I don’t want to share walls with someone else,” he’d declared. She would have lived in a shack as long as she could be with him.
His eyes never left her as he said, “There’s a condo available for lease. I wanted to talk it over with you before I signed the papers.”
“You always swore you wouldn’t live in an apartment or condo.”
Alex looked around the living room. “It’s bigger than I expected, and I haven’t heard any noise while I’ve been in here today.”
“My neighbors are working.” Not that they made all that much noise when they were home.
“Then you object.”
“I didn’t say that. I—” She closed her mouth, deciding she’d better think before she went further. She felt a hint of panic stir. It hurt every time she saw him. Was she going to have to see him every day? And what if he found some other woman to move in with him? Or he started dating any one of a dozen attractive single women living in the complex? Or . . .
A hundred painful possibilities leaped into her mind, sending shards of pain through her. What if . . . what if . . . what if . . . ?
Alex sat down on the stool again and clasped his hands loosely on the breakfast counter. “I want to share the responsibility of the children with you again. I could keep them when you wanted to go out.”
“Out?” As in dating? Was he hoping to marry her off? Ron would be delighted to know that.
“Clanton said you wanted to take a college class but didn’t want to leave them home alone any more than you have to already with work. If I was living within a few doors of you, you could leave the children with me.”
“It was an afternoon class, Alex. I was working.”
“You don’t have to work.”
“Yes, I do.”
His eyes darkened. “Not if you’d start accepting the money I’ve been sending you, instead of doing whatever you’ve been doing with the checks.”
“Live on alimony, you mean? No, thank you. Every time you send me a check like that, I’m going to tear it up and flush it down the toilet!”
“Why do you have to be so pigheaded stubborn?”
“Look who’s talking.” She tried to calm down. “Alex, I’ve seen what living on alimony does to other women. Some of them can’t get along without it. Or they feel they deserve more and more. Cost-of-living increases. Petty vengeance. You want me hanging around your neck like a millstone for the rest of your life? Alimony is as bad as welfare, and I want some self-respect out of this whole mess. I may not be living in the fancy neighborhood we used to, but I’m making it on my own. I’m happy here, and I’m paying my own bills.”
“I should be paying for your support. We’ve been married thirteen years.”
“We were married, and you can consider the debt forgiven.”
He started to say something and stopped. Letting out his breath, he raked his hand back through his hair. “Look, I know it’s because of what I said to you that day I called after seeing the house in the real estate section. I hurt you. Dios, don’t you think I know it?”
“Maybe it was that in the beginning,” she said frankly, “but not anymore.” Covering her face, she took a breath and released it slowly, trying to rein in her emotions. She lowered her hands to her lap and looked him in the eye. “You mention money, Alex, and I see red. It was one of the buttons you used to push all the time.”
“I have a few buttons of my own,” he said, eyes hot. “One of them is the fact you won’t accept any kind of help from me. You used to lean on me, Sierra.”
“Yes, I did. And look where that got us,” she said, feeling the prick of tears. She swallowed and pressed her lips together, trying to think of words gentle enough, yet strong enough, to explain her position. “You’ve been very generous with the child support, Alex, and I’m thankful. Let’s just leave it at that.”
“Do you use any of it?” he said bitterly.
Heat filled her. Was he accusing her of misusing their money? “I put it in their savings accounts,” she said, hurt and angry. “Some of it I use for clothes. I have records of every cent you’ve ever given them.”
“No doubt, but what about that private school? Why aren’t they going anymore?”
“Because they hated it! Because Clanton was suspended twice, and Carolyn was on the verge of ulcers trying to get straight A’s.”
“Why didn’t you tell me what was going on?”
“And if I had? What would you have done?”
“Tried to help!”
She searched his eyes, wondering if he really would have.
“What did you think I’d do, Sierra?”
She bit her lip and said nothing. She’d been so convinced he would accuse her of being a rotten mother, the same way he’d accused her of being a rotten wife. She’d been afraid to tell him, ashamed she couldn’t fix things on her own.
“Talk to me, Sierra.”
“It doesn’t matter now. You were busy at the time.”
Color came into his face and a look of bleakness. “I’m not busy now. I’m going to be working a lot less at the office. I’ve already talked my plans over with Steve. He’s putting up the money for the equipment. It’s already ordered. All I need is a place to put it.”
Why hadn’t he made the same arrangements a year ago? It might have saved their marriage.
She caught the direction of her thinking and halted. If she condemned him, she’d have to condemn herself. Everybody has twenty-twenty hindsight. She could see her own mistakes with heart-wrenching clarity.
“I’ll make it easy, Sierra. A simple yes or no. Yes: I sign the lease. No: I don’t.”
She wanted to say no. She wanted to avoid more pain. She wanted to avoid seeing him with other women. She wanted to avoid seeing him at all. She knew that was impossible. And if she said no, how would the children feel when they found out? Angry? Betrayed? They loved him. They wanted to see their father as often as possible. How could she be selfish and deny them that right? Besides, they needed him.
“I haven’t said anything to the children,” he said quietly, “and I won’t if your answer is no.”
She was touched by his sensitivity. It was one of the things that had made her fall in love with him in the first place, that and his male machismo, as her father once termed it.
“Go ahead and sign the lease.”
His dark eyes took on a familiar glow before he looked away. “Can I use your telephone?”
She frowned slightly, uneasy. “It’s over there.”
Pulling a business card from his shirt pocket, he wasted no time punching the number. “Roberta Folse, please. Roberta? Alex Madrid. The answer is yes. How soon can you take care of the details? Good.” He glanced at his watch. “I’ll meet you there in about thirty minutes.” He dropped the receiver lightly into its cradle.
Turning his head, he smiled at her. Her stomach dropped the same way it had the first time he’d looked at her. “Gracias,” he said. “Las cosas serán más fáciles.”
She forced a smile in return, thinking how wrong he was. Thi
ngs would not be easier. At least, not for her.
“I’ll give the children a call later this evening. In the meantime, you can tell them I’ll be moving into one-sixteen early Wednesday morning.”
When he left, she groaned aloud and buried her head in her arms. “Oh, Lord, it’s going to be a hundred times worse than I thought.”
Alex would be only three doors away.
I never expected You to send a heathen to answer my prayer.
But I reckon You do things however You please.
An Indian came to the edge of our meadow today. Beth saw him first and thought he was a mighty strange looking deer. Well, I saw he was not a deer at all, but a man dressed up in skins and a deerhead mask. He had a bow and arrows and stood watching us intently. Hank was all for getting the gun, but I said we would wait to see what he would do. Besides, what good is a gun with no ammunition.
I remembered what Kavanaugh told us about the land belonging to the Indians and how we should give back something for the privilege of traveling through. Well, we are going nowhere, Lord. So I wondered what that Indian was thinking while he stood there looking at us. I wondered if he was angry that we settled in his pretty valley without asking first. So I told the children to stay by the wagon while I went to see if I could make peace with him. I know a few signs from having watched Kavanaugh.
I could not offer the Indian a bite of food to eat as we have no food for ourselves. The Indian was of small stature, muscular, and has dark eyes and hair. I could not guess his age. He did not know what I was waving about, so I offered him the only thing of real value I own—the pretty cross necklace Aunt Martha gave me when I left Galena. He was well pleased by the gift but did not know how to work the clasp. I helped him. He disappeared into the woods and I thought that was the end of it. It was not.
He came back again later carrying a small deer, fresh killed. He laid it at my feet and made it clear it was a gift. I wept as I thanked him. Before he left us, he made his name known to me. Koxoenis. From his gestures and pantomime, I think it means Bringer of Meat.
I am weeping again. I am so undeserving and yet You have provided food for me and my family. We will not starve after all. The children are at this moment asleep with full stomachs for the first time in many, many days, and I have You to thank. You sent Koxoenis.