All hope was lost and is now revived in me again.
Joshua returned today with beans, salt pork, flour, coffee and powder, shot and lead. We are living with abundance. I told him about Koxoenis. He is very eager to meet him. I asked if he had seen Kavanaugh. Joshua said no. One of the men said Kavanaugh headed north to Oregon.
Koxoenis came back today. I was pleased to see him. He stood at the edge of the meadow until we waved an invitation for him to come to us. I think he is shy. Joshua made signs that he was welcome to share our supper. He ate sparingly of our bread and would not accept even a small portion of the venison he brought to us. When we finished, he motioned for us to follow him. He did not go more than a hundred feet from our fire when he used a digging stick he was carrying to pull up some plants. He gave them to me and made signs that the roots and leaves are good to eat. With a shy smile, he ran off into the woods again.
All this time we were so hungry and food was growing within reach.
Lord, I am having Terrible Trouble with Joshua. He is Intent on Doing Something! He keeps talking about looking for Koxoenis or going to Sutter’s Fort or down to Monterey. He wants to go his own way whatever way that might be. He is not the boy I know him to be and he is not the man I think he can become. He is one huge pain in my heart and gut.
It has gotten me thinking how much Trouble I have been to You.
I am Truly Sorry, Lord.
I remember how full of Wrath You were at those Israelites You brought out of Egypt. They kept whining and fussing and complaining like Joshua does now. And like I was doing before the Day of the Bear. I remember too how You wanted to wipe all those Israelites off the face of the earth, but Moses begged You not to.
Well, Lord, I know just how You feel because I wanted to wipe Joshua off the face of the earth today. He made me so mad I was shaking with it. I said things I should not have said. But maybe that was better than what I wanted to do. Lord, if I had had a cane I would have beat him with it. He was none too happy with me either.
How can you love someone so much and still get so mad you want to kill them? I saved his life fourteen years ago. And today I was in the mood to take it.
Joshua is not much help to us, Jesus. He would rather be at Koxoenis village learning their ways than staying here and helping us in ours.
Would You please Do Something with him, Jesus?
I give him to You cause if I don’t, I swear that boy won’t live to spring.
Koxoenis came back today. He was curious about the wagon. I wonder what kind of house he lives in. I showed him inside our poor makeshift abode. Then I offered him fish stew, bread, and coffee. I said to the children it would be interesting seeing where and how he lived. Joshua said he will go with him and find out. I said if Koxoenis welcomed him, he was free to do so. Joshua made sign language with him and they went off together. They have been gone all day, but I have no fear my son will come to harm. You sent Koxoenis to us and he has proven to be a kind and generous friend. I think Joshua will have much of interest to tell us when he returns.
Joshua said Koxoenis lives in a village several miles southwest of us. He said the others were frightened when they got there and spoke harshly to Koxoenis for bringing him. I suppose there is good reason. When I think of the way the poor Indians were treated at Sutter’s Fort, I shudder. Sutter fed them in troughs like animals and used them like slaves.
Joshua said Koxoenis has a wife and two small children who run naked wherever they please. He said his house is made of bark, bound tules, and mud and is weather tight and warm inside. His wife cooks a mush made of acorns in a basket by stirring hot stones! The chief has a great store of food stuffs and gives generously to the people.
Koxoenis showed Joshua other foods that grow around us. Joshua said he will teach Hank, Matthew, and Beth how to find these plants come daylight.
Joshua and Hank have been digging all day. Joshua said Koxoenis’s people dig down two feet and build the dome house over the pit. He can build this house in a few days while it will take weeks of effort to build a cabin. Our duck cover is torn and leaking. We need shelter from the cold California rain.
Joshua has made a pole frame work over the pit and is covering it with tiers of bark and tules. He has the boys and Beth mixing mud. Thankfully, we have had two days of easier weather. The clouds lie over the ground like a blanket.
We are now living in a hut like Koxoenis and his people. I wonder what Aunt Martha would think of me living like a savage. I must admit living in this hut is far better than living in our wagon. We moved in as the rains started again, and we are dry and warm.
Thank You, Lord, for putting a roof over our heads again.
Chapter 22
The children reported everything to Sierra whether she wanted to hear or not. “Dad rented some furniture,” Clanton said after his first visit. “He’s got a new couch and a couple of swivel rockers. He bought a whole wall setup with a big-screen television and stereo, and you should see his computers!”
Carolyn was more impressed with the white rats he’d purchased for her and kept at his place. “They’re so cute, Mom. I call them Peaches and Cream. They’re both males, so we won’t have any babies.”
“Well, that’s nice.”
“And he has an aquarium. Just a little one for some pretty goldfish.”
Lures.
Clanton and Carolyn began spending more and more time with Alex. They’d come home from school, scarf down snacks, rattle off some news, whiz through their homework, and take off for his condo. She began wishing she’d said no. She missed the sound of their voices, even the strident ones when they were fighting. Sometimes she resented how eager they were to be with him, and then she was always struck with guilt afterward. Sometimes she found herself aching with loneliness.
Is it a sin, Lord? You’re supposed to be enough. I love You. I do. Help me to accept these changes and not be so jealous and needy. Help me to know in my heart You are sufficient. Help me rest in You.
Choir helped. On those evenings, she and the children walked to church together and then went out to a family café afterward for a late dessert. Sunday was the one precious day a week, for she had the children all to herself. They went to church early and didn’t get home until almost one in the afternoon. After a late lunch, she walked back to church with them so they could take part in the youth activities and she could attend the evening Bible study.
Gradually, she felt less alone. She used the time the children were away to study and finish all the little projects she’d laid out for herself but never had time to do. She turned on the radio and listened to a Christian station that played contemporary rock, free to sing along without anyone listening to her but the Lord.
Christmas drew closer. Rather than be elated, she was depressed. All her shopping was done, the packages wrapped and hidden in her bedroom closet and under the bed. The children knew better than to go poking around in her room after Thanksgiving. She’d begun addressing Christmas cards the first week of December and had started her letters. She always wrote to everyone. It was the one time a year when she could catch up on all the news from friends and family.
Ron called again. “You sound a little down.”
“I’m writing Christmas letters, and I get a little depressed every time I have to write, ‘Mom died of cancer, and Alex and I got a divorce’ over and over again. Just the sort of glad tidings friends like to read at Christmastime.”
“Would a proposition help cheer you up?”
Her mouth twitched. “That depends.”
“Strictly honorable, I assure you. I’m having a Christmas fund-raiser at the Hyatt Regency, and I’m in desperate need of a pretty hostess.”
“To serve drinks and appetizers?”
“No. To stand beside me and greet guests, the kind of guests who have lots and lots of money and love giving it to good causes like Los Angeles Outreach.”
“Are any movie stars going to be there?” she said, teasing.
r /> “A few.”
“You’re kidding!”
“I take it you might be interested.”
She feigned hesitation. “Well, I don’t know. Is Hugh Jackman attending?”
“No.”
“Then I don’t—”
“I’m begging.”
She laughed. “I’d love to help out and you know it. How dressed up do I have to get?”
“Very. I’ll be in a tux.”
Ron gave her the details. He would pick her up early. The fund-raiser included a full-course dinner and dancing. “It’ll go until the wee hours,” he warned her.
Clanton was just going out the door when she hung up the telephone. “Honey, would you tell your dad I need to talk to him? It’s important.”
The telephone rang a few minutes later. “What’s up?” Alex said.
“Can the children spend the night with you on December 21?”
“Spend the night? Where are you going to be?”
“At a fund-raiser with Ron. He said it’ll be late before I get home.”
“I haven’t got any extra beds.”
He sounded so cold. “Maybe I can borrow a couple of sleeping bags.” Maybe he had made other plans, plans she didn’t want to hear about. “Never mind, Alex. I should’ve thought it through before asking you. Carolyn’s been wanting to spend the night with Susan, and Clanton can always go to—”
“I’ll stay with them over there,” he said firmly. “We’ll do something fun for the evening, and I’ll wait at your place until you get back.”
“It’s going to be very late, Alex.”
“You’ve got a comfortable sofa.”
“Are you sure?” He sounded less than pleased about the whole thing.
“Yeah, I’m sure.”
Taking a deep breath, Sierra called Audra and told her she’d been invited to a formal fund-raiser and was going to be acting as hostess. “I need to find a dress.”
“How much can you spend?”
“Don’t even think about Rodeo Drive.”
“What size are you?” When Sierra told her, she said, “Great. You can borrow one of my gowns. When can you come over?”
By the time Sierra got there, Audra had already picked out the dress she thought Sierra should wear. After seeing the others, Sierra had to admit she liked it the best. It was a deep-red velvet that fit her perfectly. “I bought it for a Christmas party four years ago and never wore it,” Audra said, admiring it on Sierra. “My feet are a little bigger than yours, but I know just where you can get some satin pumps and have them dyed to match,” she said while snapping on a gorgeous necklace that glittered like diamonds.
“These aren’t real, are they?” Sierra said, fingering it.
“Zirconia. Stop sweating.” She handed her matching pierced earrings and then helped her snap on the bracelet. Stepping back, she looked her over. “Perfect. It looks better on you than it did on me.” She went back into her closet and came out with a fur coat.
“Not on your life!” Sierra said, backing up. “Absolutely not, Audra. If I damaged it or it got lost, I’d kill myself.”
“I thought you were going to say something about all the little animals that lost their lives to make it.”
“Well, that, too,” Sierra said, making a quick calculation. It would take a lot of cute little minks to make that coat.
“That’s what I told Steve, but men just don’t think about those things when they’re trying to show the world how successful they are.” She carried it back into the closet. “I wear it to the opera once in a while just so he won’t get upset about it. No one harangues me there. Oh, good! I knew I bought something to go with that dress.” She came back out with a red velvet, satin-lined cape. She draped it over Sierra’s shoulders and took a step back. “Take a look at yourself.”
Sierra did, and her mouth dropped open. She looked like someone else, someone who’d stepped out of a fairy tale. “I remember feeling this delight as a little girl up in the attic dressing in grown-up clothes with my best friend.” Laughing, she looked at Audra in the mirror. “What do you think?”
“I think you look fantastic. Does Alex know you’re going to this affair with Ron Peirozo?”
“He’s babysitting.”
Alex came early on the night of the fund-raiser. She’d told him Ron was picking her up at five, and he arrived an hour early.
“Mom, Daddy’s here.”
“Ask him if he’d like a soda, honey. I’ll be out in a little while.”
Nervous and excited, she had already bathed and was fixing her hair in a loose French braid. She put on a little makeup, then dabbed on Shalimar before she stepped into her dress. Slipping into the red satin shoes, she put on the jewelry. She was ready half an hour before Ron was expected.
“Mom, you look so pretty!” Carolyn said as she came into the living room.
Sierra smiled, gratified that at least one person in the room noticed the change in her. Alex just stared at her. He didn’t say anything. What had she been hoping? That his mouth would fall open and his tongue loll out? She put the red cape carefully over the back of a chair.
“Where’s Clanton?” she said as she laid her gloves and a red, beaded purse Audra had found on top of the cape.
“Brady’s,” Carolyn said. He was a friend Clanton had met at church who happened to live in the complex. “He said he’d be home in a few minutes. He’s borrowing a video game. Are those diamonds, Mom?”
“No, honey. I wouldn’t put my toe out the door if they were.”
Carolyn looked at her father. “Don’t you think she looks pretty, Daddy?”
Blushing, Sierra avoided Alex’s eyes.
“Sí, tu mamá es muy hermosa,” he said softly.
Her heart tripped as she looked at him. She looked into his eyes and saw he meant every word.
Carolyn picked up her backpack and headed for her room. Sierra turned, tensing. “Where are you going, honey?”
Carolyn glanced at her dad. “I’ve got some homework to do.”
“Tonight?”
“Just for a while. Daddy’s taking Clanton and me to Magic Mountain. I guess I should take a bath, too.”
Sierra looked back at Alex and saw the sad smile touch his mouth. “She was watching The Parent Trap a few days ago.”
She put her hand over her stomach. “Great,” she said dully.
He noticed the gesture. “Are you nervous?”
“A little.” Less about going out with Ron than she was seeing that look in Alex’s eyes. She let out her breath and came around the chair to sit down. The hatch-cover table was between them. She liked having something between them.
Alex’s eyes narrowed slightly. “How well do you like this guy?”
This guy? “Ron’s one of my best friends.”
“How does he feel about you?”
She blushed. “Why are you asking?”
“You quit working for him. I’m curious why.”
She almost told him it was none of his business. Considering his own behavior, he had a lot of nerve to ask any questions. Instead, she curbed her anger and decided to be honest. “I left because I knew if I stayed, I could end up in an affair with him.”
Alex’s eyes darkened, not with anger, but with pain. “The way I did.”
“I don’t want to talk about the whys and wherefores of you and Elizabeth, Alex.”
“Neither do I. I want to talk about you.”
“What about me?”
“You look . . . radiant,” he said heavily. “Are you in love with this guy?”
There it was again, that tone. Was he baiting her? “I was in love with you, Alex,” she said before she thought better of it. She paused, drawing in a steadying breath. This situation was impossible! “I don’t think I’ll ever feel like that again about anyone. And if I did, I think I’d run as fast as I could to get away from it.”
“The way you ran from Peirozo.”
She could feel the prick of tears and fou
ght them. “Are you deliberately trying to spoil my evening, Alex? I like Ron. He’s kind and fun. I’m looking forward to this evening. I’ve never been to anything like this. I just want to enjoy myself. Don’t you think I have that right?”
“Don’t cry,” Alex said softly. “I wasn’t asking to ruin your evening, Sierra.”
“Why are you asking?”
“Because I don’t want to see you hurt.”
She gave a bleak laugh. She had never heard such a flimsy excuse in her life. Especially from him. “You hurt me, Alex. Ron doesn’t have that kind of power over me.”
He leaned toward her, eyes intent, searching. “Don’t go out with him tonight.”
Looking into those dark depths, she remembered everything from the past. She knew why he warned her. When they were young and deeply in love, when her emotions had crested over some crisis, real or imagined, Alex had been the one to catch the wave and ride the passion.
“I’m not your concern anymore, Alex. I haven’t been for eight months.” Why should those words bring that wounded worried look into his eyes? She felt compelled to set his mind at ease and gave him a tender smile. “Someone told me to grow up. I have.”
The doorbell rang.
A muscle jerked in his cheek and he stood up. “I’ll tell him you’re not feeling well.”
She stood as well. “No, you won’t.” Truth have it, she wasn’t, but she had no intention of leaving Ron high and dry. This fund-raiser was far too important to him and his work. “I feel fine, Alex.”
“You’re pale.” He turned his head sharply as the door was unlocked. “What’d you do? Give him a key?”
“Hey, Mom!” Clanton said, barging in. “Aren’t you going to let Ron in?” He stared at her. “Wow!”
“You can say that again,” Ron said from right behind him. He didn’t even notice Alex. He couldn’t have been more open in his admiration, which went a long way to bolstering her spirits. Clanton brushed past her in his hurry to dump his soccer gear in his bedroom.